If distance makes the heart grow fonder then on-and-off again relationships are not as crazy as they seem. Relationships such as these often stand on the premise that distance and time apart adds to it and makes it stronger than it was before. It makes sense; time apart will allow both people to grow and learn lessons they can’t or would not while together but have you ever met a really unified couple who just celebrated some kind of a milestone anniversary? I have and very few have done the whole stop and start thing. Sure some were separated due to a new (dream) job in a different city or family obligations that involved them traveling but have most broken their union by their own will over and over again? No, they haven’t and most (truly) happy couples do not have a history of being on-and-off again.
In some twisted way, people in on-and-off again
relationships have it good. Single when they want to be but at the back of
their mind know that they have a naked frozen person in their fridge ready to
be defrosted and ready to cuddle with them when the urge strikes (I’m using metaphors again, no need to be
scared). Or maybe they only like relationships during the honeymoon phase (who
doesn’t right?) and if you are currently in an on-and-off again relationship then you
know how entincing the beginning is every time you both get back together.
Maybe that’s the reason you are coming back- to keep having the honeymoon phase
over and over…and over.
My previous post outlined the reasons of why most stay in
stop-start relationships but I failed to mention one of the biggest reasons and
that which is not being ready for the “real thing” (this definition varies from
person to person). If we are truly honest with ourselves we will admit that we
seldom are ready for that great big love that will change everything. Maybe you
wanna play the field a little longer? Or maybe you are not ready to be with
that amazing person because you yourself are not yet amazing (but getting there). And
those of you saying, I’m in an on-and-off with somebody I want to end up with
but am not emotionally and mentally ready for something serious, make no mistake, I hear ya. Let me be clear though, when we meet the
real thing we cant let go, even if we wanted to. If you are saying goodbye to
somebody all the time, you are not experiencing the real thing. The real thing
wants to work on problems because it knows deep inside it doesn’t get better
than this person and thus they keep trying. The real thing doesn't know how to watch you be with other people while itself is seeing what else is out there. The real thing cannot stop; once it hits starts, its on .
Forgive me for revealing my true sappy colors (its not my fault all Cancers are born highly romantic) but isn’t love
not being able to be without each other? How can you possibly claim to love
someone when you deliberately decide to be on off mode and see what else is out
there? When you are in love with someone the thought of a break, even a
productive one, does not seem plausible. So I ask: those who continually stop
and start, do you keep coming back due to the comfort, stability, ego and
loneliness factor? How can you claim to be in love when you choose others over
that person?
From my experience, every single on-and-off tries to capture the magic they had in the beginning and almost every time they
realize they cannot. How can you when you’ve both gone off to do your own thing
with other people? Simply put, that purity you had in the beginning
disintegrates with every consecutive break-up. Besides, how can either of you
respect each other? Is it just me or is there something repelling about an
indecisive person or worse, somebody who comes back to you when nobody else is
around.
However, anybody who has ever had a similar relationship will
admit that the first few encounters of getting back together are usually pretty
special but that wears down when you have your first fight and realize that every reason that made you break up in the first place still
exists. Like a filthy little mouse you thought you got rid of, you gasp at the realization that it still lives in
your home and gets in through that itty-bitty little hole you forgot about. The cruel part is, once you plaster this one you realize there are others you never noticed. In the midst of you trying to close holes left and right while waking up to new ones, one of you will hopefully stop and say, "This isn't fun anymore."
Another interesting aspects to relationships is momentum.
Momentum is important and should never be trivialized because like all things
that have momentum, once you lose it, its sometimes gone forever. In on-and-off
again relationships momentum becomes that thing you try to recapture every time
you get back together and every time you realize, you cannot. I like to use the
analogy of someone who has always received straight A’s. There is momentum of
doing well and succeeding and that same student feels a push to keep going
(even when they didn’t study the night before). The moment they throw their
textbook out the window, fail to show up for that test and receive an F (aka
where couples part) it is then that the momentum starts slowing down. Same goes
with couples who stop-start. There is something special about never throwing in
the towel, even when you want to.
Call it co-dependency or youthful idealism its time I grew
out of but there is something incredibly romantic in believing that the sun
will not rise without that special person by your side. It is that belief and
fear of wanting to see the sun rise that will make you keep trying. How tragic
it is to part, wake up expecting to be in full nocturnal delight and instead
awaken to a brilliant yellow. “What?! It’s still there?” you say in a
bewildered voice. You parted, the sun still shined and your life kept going. The
realization that the sun will rise and your life will go on without that person
is a tragic one on some level. Hurray, you can indeed live without them and that
crippling fear of losing them leaves you. If you are not big on metaphors and are
still trying to decipher this one then let me be blunt, be with someone who
cannot live without you. The person who comes and goes as they pleases (usually
when they are single again) can indeed live without you. If they didn’t, they
wouldn’t have ever left.
Need another comparison? Think of an on-and-off again relationship as some kind of a tangible object. Would you keep a faucet that worked some days and kept you thirsty the other days? Imagine how crazy you would get if you woke up everyday not knowing if your faucet was going to work and whether you were going to shower and drink water. Would you keep it? No, you wouldn’t. You would be first in line waiting to replace this stop-start appliance demanding for one that works. Of course with time it will act up and will require your attention but bottom line, your faucet should work and allow you to have nice, fresh water you can bath in and drink water from.
What I am about to write may contradict everything I have
written thus far but as I mentioned in my previous posts my own similar
relationship lasted “a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years” and when its
all said and done, do I wish I left the second year when it was obvious this
probably wasn’t going to survive? No I don’t. I am grateful for those 4 years
because I can sit here without tears in my eyes and a heart that is healed. This kind of closure usually exists when you stay until there is not a single bit of spark left; the room is entirely dark and there's nothing left here for you. You
leave when you have learned everything you needed to and not a minute sooner.
Sometimes when you let go of something prematurely (even when deep inside you knew it was wrong) you spend much time thinking of all you may have fixed. When you stay in an on-and-off again relationship till the very bitter end you can look back and honestly say, “I did everything I could” and that itself will be helpful when you will be closing that particular chapter and opening up a new one. However, it needs to be said that time is a precious commodity; perhaps the most precious thing we have. While you are with Ms./Mr.Wrong you are denying yourself to meet Ms./Mr. Right. The universe cant give you something you claim you already have. Have I confused you even more now? Deep inside we all know who is good for us and who we stay in spite of that due to our own insecurities and fears.
If you are reading this while in an on-and-off again
relationship that you know deep inside you do not want to be in, let me disclose what it
will feel like when you fire the doctor, pull the plug and forget the
address of the hospital. You undoubtedly will feel pain but most of all you will feel fear. Yes, its over. Your Plan B for a good time is
no longer an option. Yes, you no longer have a guaranteed back up plan when you have a shitty first date. Embrace it because if this was something truly amazing, it
wouldn’t be stopping and starting. That’s the sign of something that isn't
amazing but rather mediocre at its best. Embrace the fact that once you end
something that does not work you indirectly tell the universe, “Okay, I'm ready
for something that does” and usually the universe listens. I would know. Simply put, with the
lose of a stop-start relationship you open yourself up to a better working one.
In Part 1 of this post series, I compared on and off relationships to a
raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket that keeps you warm when
you are cold but what if there is a warmer and fluffier blanket out there for
you? Cant get that one until you cut ties with the other one though. But what
if there isn’t one you say? Well, then you’ll have to learn how to be a big
girl/boy and keep yourself warm. There
is no need to ever regret the lose of something because truly if it was
working, it would be working.
