My Partner, My iPhone and the Generation of Entitled Singles

I’ve always believed that if you are someone of quality and possess that little thing called integrity, then you will seldom find yourself single for long intervals of time. Simply put, if you are a catch there will be people in baseball mitts at the usual places and even the unsuspecting spaces where singles frequent waiting for the coach to call them over. And yet a large percentage of good folks I know remain single. Is it possible that I am wrong and that the catches are walking around the city while everyone is glued to the golf game complaining that there's nobody around? Possibly. All I know is that the majority of my friends are good people. They have jobs, they are artsy in a non-pretentious way, they are genuinely nice and yet their Facebook status continues to read, “Single.” There is nothing wrong with being single (if that is what you want) but this post is primarily for the singles that want to add “In a relationship” to their current status.

When I myself recall back to being single, I remember being torn between looking for somebody who had everything I wanted and somebody who I just liked to spend my time with (sometimes they are not the same person). I would meet somebody I liked, realize that he didn’t possess the plethora of things on my wish list, end it, move on, end up on a bad date months later and ultimately long for the connection and ease I threw away so carelessly. "Why didn't I just focus on the fact that I liked him. What did anything else have to matter?" I often would ask myself as I tried to unsuccessfully reestablish that connection that I let go (FYI most guys have a hard ever forgetting that they were not your first choice to begin with, no matter how much you express differently). Yes, after every date that lacked those infamous butterflies and ended up with me chatting on Facebook with a girlfriend, I would often ask myself: am I an entitled single? Meaning, am I so dead set on meeting somebody who looks like X and sounds like Y that I am passing by a lot of potentially good guys who I could be happy with? Should I go on Date 2 with Indie Guy even though Date 1 was a bit bland? Should I not look too closely at the fact that it was Guy X who invited me to the date and didn't flinch when the bill came?

When I hear the same people complaining about why they are single I am both surprised and am not. Surprised that in the vast and mystical world of the internet, they can not find one person they can consider being with but at the same time, lets be frank, how can one focus with so many different choices online? As somebody who has never been much for meeting someone online (you just gasped, I know), what I do remember from my limited time on online dating websites is an extensive search engine that would spit out various potential partners based on your checked off points of preference. Thought Dan’s hair was a bit too long for your taste? No worries, Steve here has the blue eyes and the short hair that you have always wanted to reproduce with. 

That damn dating search engine is a gift for our modern single in that it works as a ready to go assistant that scouts out various guys who are your type while you browse within the comfort of having your unkempt bun and wearing that gravy stained shirt you've worn all day. However, it is not without its drawback as that exact assistant (built to find your ideal match - 6’1, green eyes, brown hair) also limits all the connections that you might have had with a 5’6 dirty blond that didn’t fit the criteria. Besides, do any of us ever truly know exactly how we want our future partners to look like? Remember that scene in the Terminator where Schwarzeneggar kills a bunch of wrong Sarah Connor cause it was programmed to kill Sarah Connor. Well, that's how I view the online dating search engine. Tailored to bring you exactly what you asked for but disregarding all the other people who you might have connected with. And so much like the Terminator the search engine kills off potential romantic matches that didn't fit your prescribed criteria. 

On that note, when we long for that connection, don't we long for the feeling that person will give us? That’s why I have refrained from online dating for the most part. The interpersonal connection that two people have or do not have cannot be interpreted with a search engine or even messages or chat rooms. Besides, haven’t you ever met anybody who was so charismatic and confident that you looked beyond that they were kinda basic looking? That charm gets lost in online dating and that guy or girl who could have been the table that closed the restaurant with you just got passed up.

With so many choices online you would think that two people who are looking to not stay single would be somewhat compatible but it is the opposite. With so many choices the human dimension associated with dating gets lost. Finding somebody you like becomes this complicated process that involves left and right swipes, going to the next page and looking for somebody who you find more attractive and all while remaining single and entitled. Entitled to receive exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Nevermind that the person who didn’t fit the whole physical criteria might have had more in common with you than the 6’3 hottie. So why are you searching solely for that 6’3 hottie and complaining about being single? Why be surprised that you are single if you view dating much like a boss goes through interviews (“Nope.” “Not a good fit.” “Dream on.”) Except you are not looking for a job, you are looking for that special connection with another human being. I am writing this piece not to urge current singles to throw away the wish list but to rather focus on the people you are meeting and to truly see the person that is awkwardly sitting across from you at the table.Or at the very least be open to the person who does not fit your ideal physical type.

People are not black and white dichotomies that can be understood or even figured out within a few encounters. Rather, human beings are like complex paintings that vary depending on which angle you are viewing them from. If you are looking at a person from only one angle and not liking them in a romantic sense then perhaps you should view them from a different angle altogether. Maybe you are single because you are looking at the paintings as one big whole versus seeing that each one is different; each one was (though similar) has an entirely different story to tell.

Though I continue to lurk the streets with an ancient phone that was known as the Motorola Razr (still working the same as the day I got it on a cold winter night in 07') I am not anti-technology. If anything I find it amazing that my aunt in Russia can ask me why I am not married on the phone and while skyping with me online. But what if our seemingly progressive, Sparksnotes, overwhelming availability in technology, clothing, fast food and what to do on a Friday night has bred a generation of overly entitled beings; fixated on receiving what they want, whenever they want; never happy with the now and are ready to upgrade at a moments notice. We are the society of the privileged who have transferred the fast food “I want what I want, when I want it” mentality to when we are choosing partners.

The same can be said with the frequency we upgrade our electronic carry on bibles also known as our cellphones. Have we also transferred the bigger, better, faster phone upgrade system to human beings? Do you shut someone down at the first moment of them running low on battery? Are you walking around with an iPhone 6 Plus (which you lined up all night to get by the way) but are now dreaming of the iPhone 7? 

If you accept the belief that every single person comes with their own luggage of unpleasantries and has a laundry list of shit they need to work on then you just might find somebody. If you accept the idea that you may just be happier with Motorola Razr then you may find somebody. If you continue to be the person looking for a very specific type then you are not allowing your own dating life to flow; for her or him to come to you naturally. When you accept the idea that your strongest connection may come with somebody who you least suspected, everything might then change. If you are looking for somebody who will never be needy, jealous, is always in a good mood and looks exactly the way they do in their Instagram, then you might just be alone forever. You and your iPhone going through Tinder while a real human being is eyeing you from across the bar. 

The truth is every girl and guy is kinda a hassle, will irritate you and make you second guess whether you should be with them. The beauty however is finding somebody you have a connection with in spite of that. Human beings are not like your phones- they are not always available, sometimes they are slow (even when fully charged) and sometimes they are not shiny and new (much like your phone on the first day you took it out of the box) but rather have markings of wear and tear. Some are even cracked from previous misuse. If you are chasing perfection and feeling entitled to it or worse are always have your settings set on upgrade then you might not allow yourself from ever having anything real and something that exists outside of the screen.