My mom loves to say that those who want everything seldom
end up with anything or as a date once reminded, “she who asks for too much gets nothing” (he didn't get a second one, in cause you were wondering). Before you judge my sweet, old school European woman of a mother, or him, hear me out.
My mom has seen me go through various relationships. Some guys she didn’t mind,
one she never even wanted to meet (actually said at one point, “I never want to
see him in my house”) and one in particular she loved like her own son. She
actually cried when I broke up with him and though I scolded her for caring
more about what she thought I wanted
and who she thought I should be with
versus who I actually want to be with, the truth is, when she cried, deep
inside, I cried too. If only she knew that I stayed as long as I did because
the thought of us together made her happy; I was happy she
was happy. Her little girl was with someone who she knew would take care of
her, never walk out on her if a child was involved and someone she would be
proud to call a son in law.
Till this day (after one serious and a few not so serious
relationships), my mom will be sitting quietly on the couch and I know, I just
know, she is thinking of him and maybe even imagining how it would be if I
never left. Maybe when I am getting dolled up to go to my next show she is
looking at me and thinking how much more fulfilled I would be if right now I
wasn’t going out but had a family to tend to. Sometimes though she is not so
subtle and actually tells me, “You had a good guy but you are looking for this
mystical man that you may never meet.” Yes, my heart sinks every time she says
that. Not because it’s hurtful but because somewhere deep inside she may be
right.
The truth is, I am selective when it comes to partners and I do
want it all. Did someone say mystical man? I do want to be with someone who takes my breath away and will
take my breath away everyday of our life together but so what? What is wrong
with wanting that fairy tale? Why are girls who never wanted to settle (not in
the slightest) branded as having princess syndrome? Why are we made to feel as
if the boat has sailed and all we could do now is fantasize and dwell that
we never got on it. Why are we encouraged to doubt ourselves and believe that that big fancy boat was our ticket out of this and
would bring us somewhere bigger and better? Why are we made to feel that we
should spend just a little of our day saturating ourselves in guilt with
thoughts of the one we should have held on to but instead let go of?
The truth is, there are days where it’s hard to feel
anything but guilt when thinking about a certain person who was ready to offer
you love and fidelity but instead you let go of (there's an interesting correlation between that feeling and a bad day at work, bad date). Sometimes it’s hard to not feel regret
when you go on dates with potential suitors who are not even half the man you
left. It’s hard to not ask yourself if you made the right choice because if you
didn’t then that means that what you wanted the most you had once but foolishly
and carelessly let go of. It’s hard to silence the internal monologue that we
single girls past 29 say to ourselves. It’s been years since I let go of the
man my mom wanted to see me marry but even now I will have a day where I will
miss the fact that I cant call him to ask for his stellar advice and stellar
advice he always gave.
At times I am even regretful but I remind myself of one thing
and one thing only- when it’s true love you feel it in your bones. When it is the real deal there is no hesitation or doubt but only the belief that this is it. Had I or you had that in our
previous partners then there really would have been nothing that would have
been so great that we could have imagined a life without then. I, much like
you, would have stayed because something in me would have known that such a
connection was too precious, too rare to let go of. But you didn’t feel that
way and like myself, you let go. The fact that you left is the most poignant
sign that this (for whatever reason) was not it.
I am writing this piece for every girl who has felt that way
and maybe even continues to feel this way. Who followed not only her heart but
also her gut; even when the mind was saying, “Stop, what are you doing?!” I am
writing this for all the girls who have had to face every emotional, financial burden and life setback on their own. Be damned the people who say you don’t believe
in love and marriage. If anything maybe you are like me, you hold love and
marriage in such a sacred place that the thought of spending your life with
someone you were not 1000% sure about is something you could not bare.
I am writing this for every girl who
believes that we all have just one
love of our life. I am writing this for every girl who wants her soulmate in a world of “Mr. Right-Nows.” The girls
who never gave up on the dream and continue to dream. The girls who are brave enough and strong
enough to stand alone because they cant bare the
thought of standing next to someone they are not sure about.
The truth is, life is too short to settle, even a little bit. The thing with settling is, when you start settling with partners then what is to say you will not start to settle in every other aspect of your life as well? Think about it, even at 40, 50, 60, one is always too young to be with someone
just because they are afraid being alone. Even though truth be told, we are all
afraid of being alone. It’s not all Sex and the City bar hopping and second
round of cosmos with your best gals. In fact, sometimes being single at a
certain age is downright difficult. And then there are days where you know deep
inside you are on the right path, being lead to the right person.
Below are a few pointers that help me
continue to be a happy(ish) single girl in my 30s.
Let Go of Guilt and
Regret:
If you are a regular reader than you know that I live by a
very simple relationship mantra, “If it was working it would have worked.” In other words, focus on the fact that something was
missing in your past relationships and pride yourself in being strong enough to
realize that. Feelings of guilt, regret and shame will only leave you doubtful
of every move you ever make. Trust that you did the right thing.
Do Not Be Ruled By
Loneliness:
Whenever one of my girlfriends loses her shit over a guy I
always like to look her in the eye and ask one and only one question: do you think this was the love of
your life? If there is even a morsel of doubt to that answer then I know that all her tears and longing are the ego’s way of dealing with
rejection. We humans hate rejection (even when it is enforced by someone we did
not want). Doesn’t that blow your mind? Most of the time we lose our shit
when a relationship ends not because we are experiencing heartache but because
we are hurt that person X no longer wants our exclusive company. Don’t let your
ego fool you and do not be ruled by loneliness. If it will make you reach out
for people who you are not suited for and will bring you a lot of perceived
heartache that really is just the ego not wanting to be alone.
Do Not Focus on Happy
Couples Online
You never know what goes on behind closed
doors, so if you are the type of person to feel less than because your ex-best
friend just posted her wedding pictures, please stop. Number one, you are doing
yourself a disservice and secondly you may be idealizing what may not exist. Maybe one day that relationship you idealized will be ending while you will be
posting your own fairy tale wedding while they will be idealizing you. Case in
point, we all have our own journey. Focus on yours.
Believe in Destiny, Love
and Above all, Yourself.
Sometimes my friends are shocked how fast I bounce back from
a failed romance but the truth is, if you believe in destiny and hold on to the
idea that the right person will come at the right (or wrong but nonetheless come) time then there really is not
much to get hurt about. If this was it then it would have been it but it wasn’t
so therefore it isn’t. Never stop listening to that voice inside you. The one
leading you to where you are meant to be and ultimately guiding you to the right person (no matter how much a well meaning
mother tells you otherwise).
If you truly want Bonnie and Clyde
(minus the deaths) then do not settle for Ike and Tina. If you want Ashton,
then wait for Ashton and do not spend years with Macaulay. If you are looking
for take-my-breath-away then why settle for just steady breathing?
