How Blind Forgiveness Diminishes Your Self Worth

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a complicated relationship with my brother. So complicated that for his 30^th birthday my mom made me wish him a happy birthday. “He is turning 30, Karina. Please don’t break my heart.” She said this while I was mid sentence with, “I really don’t want to...” I did end up wishing him a happy birthday. Birthday card and birthday money sealed in an envelope I gave to him because well, I didn’t want to be a bad daughter or a bad sister. For I had spent the majority of my life being told the importance of being a good daughter and sister. The next 2 birthdays not even my own mother could convince me to wish my only brother a happy birthday (if you know me you also know my mother is literally the only person on the planet who can make me do anything). My brother accusing me of being “ingenuine” for a good portion of my life made me authentically not wish him a happy birthday for the past two years. Why? I didn’t care to. My authentic self wanted to honour the fact that I really did not want. Believe me, me divulging the fact that I did not wish my only brother a happy birthday for the past two years is not done with a huge grin on my face but I do however, say this with conviction and a backbone.

We live in a very paradoxical world. People are encouraged to forgive and forget. If you hold resentment for something done to you in the past you are seen as less then. Anger and bitterness are low frequency emotions, they say, that need to be wiped out immediately. And though I love the premise of turning the other cheek and being the bigger person that welcomes those who have wronged me with open arms, I ask, how does such an action embody self-love? Secondly, what does forgiving those who hurt when you aren’t truly ready to, do to your identity and most importantly, self worth? As somebody who grew up in a household where forgiveness was to be given the moment an apology was presented, the concept of not allowing certain people back into my life is a new one for me. One that at times makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty even but in the same breath, it also makes me feel powerful and as if I am truly living my most authentic life.

A lot of my new age, hippie type friends have talked extensively to me about forgiveness and its impact on the chakras. For those not familiar, chakras are 7 centers of spiritual power in the human body. Forgiveness relates to the heart chakra and when that is out of balance, they say, your whole life is. I’ve struggled with this concept because who wants to be out of balance? Certainly not me. Personally, I want my heart chakra to be in a state of abundance, juicy, red beaming love and everything else positive that represents the heart emoticon we use when we send out a loving text. And with that I have been told and made to believe that living in a state of unforgiveness creates blocks in that heart chakra. I understand the concept behind such a belief but my question is, what chakra blocks develop when you continuously allow another human being to mistreat you? What personality defects does one have once they get into the routine of accepting every apology that comes their way? I can only speak for myself but the action of not forgiving somebody and through that action standing up for yourself and boldly expressing that certain hurtful words and actions will not only be tolerated, but will also result in my absence, creates a deeper sense of self worth. Not only do I feel a higher self of self worth when I pushback an apology I am not ready to accept but it is then that I feel that I am truly protecting myself from future pain. Some say to protect is to love and thus to live in a state where you protect yourself from bad energy and intentions is the ultimate definition of self-love.

As mentioned, I have had many debates and conversations (or should I say conversations that morphed into debates) regarding this topic and the words accountability and self-governance and responsibility have many times left my lips. I do not discredit the importance that forgiveness has on mental health but we as a society should also not discredit PTSD and the effects of living with such entail. If you are one of the lucky few who has never experienced PTSD please do not underestimate its potency and its ability to be triggered (no matter how much positive self talk you are doing in the process) every time you are in the same room with someone who has hurt you. I am not over dramatizing when I write this for I know too well how it feels to be told to forgive when the truth is, you don’t want to because you cannot risk feeling that sort of pain ever again. For you have learned to love yourself more than you did when you forgave and in a way re-welcomed such behaviour to enter and reenter your life.When a person asks you for forgiveness or worse yet, when you are bullied into forgiving somebody who has wronged you because it is the right thing to do, you are going backwards in personal development. When you continuously meet somebody half way and accept an apology you are not convinced to the core is a genuine one you are going backwards in personal growth. When you have heard an apology more than four times for an action that continues to upset you, it is time to truly come to terms that the person on the other end of the apology does not hold your happiness as a priority. Furthermore, do not ever rush to enter a situation you are not comfortable in. Only you know when you are ready because these are your feelings and ultimately, this is your life. Nobody else's.

This piece is not about holding grudges because if there is one thing I agree with that my hippie friends preach is that yes indeed living in a space of perpetual grudges and voodoo dolls is not a healthy life. If you wake up angry and immediately reaching for your phone to cyber stalk those that hurt you then yes, maybe you should rethink this whole forgiveness thing. Far be it for me to tell grown adults on how to live their lives. I instead live my life by the infamous Jay-Z lyrics, “Either love me or leave me alone.” To me those words are the definition of self-love. Self-love is welcoming only those that make you happier, healthier and most of all, bring you to that childlike state of optimism and giddiness. How can you say you truly love yourself if you are around somebody who decreases your frequency and makes you feel less than. We don’t even need to unpack why or under what circumstance somebody makes you feel less than. You know it when it happens. To me self-love is not allowing that feeling to be part of your reality. Call me naive and childlike but I truly believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. That’s the answer. We are here to enjoy ourselves and to feel good. Welcoming and rewelcoming  those that hurt you under what I would like to call blind forgiveness decreases your self worth and your self-love. Putting up with those that don’t make you feel good (you know when you don’t feel good around somebody) is a dangerous game because at what point does it become a habit. At what point do you get so used to this negative feeling that you think you don’t deserve the other option? At what point do start believing that taking abuse in any form is your way of saving or being a compassionate person to somebody who needs you? At what point do you silence others preaching forgiveness but have not lived a moment in your trauma?

To me self worth and self-love means putting yourself and your mental health first. Always. And that is how I have been living the last few years. Sure, I have had moments of weakness and forgave or turned a blind eye to somebody not provoking my highest self but in the end I have always corrected it. For my goal in life is to surround myself with only those that bring out my inner child who is happy, optimistic and not waiting to be hurt; for that is my favorite state to be in. And I don't care how many people will call me unforgiving due to wanting to live in this manner.

Do I miss wishing my brother a happy birthday? Of course I do. Do I miss quoting Seinfeld with the only person who would understand every inside joke related to that show? Without a doubt. Do I miss having verbal arguments with him where we both bring up 30+ years of you did this, I did this. Not one bit. Not even a tiny bit. I am happier and more peaceful not knowing him. I say this not caring how shocking this may sound to my mother. Until somebody has shown you, truly shown you, that they have done the work and changed for the better, do not welcome that person back into your life. Why? Because you love yourself more than that. To not put yourself in situations where those who have hurt you can hurt you again is the definition of self-love. At least it is to me. For I am too precious to my own self to be hurt. We are all too precious to our own selves to be hurt. And let me say this again for the person who is intimidated into providing forgiveness and really is not ready to. You are too precious to be within the same space of those who have hurt you and have not done the work to improve themselves to not have it happen again.

I still have hope for my brother and I. I mean look how adorable we were as children. I have hope that one day I will forgive him. Scratch that, I have hope that one day he will deliver to me a sincere apology that I can take as fact. For now, my self-love is too high to be manipulated into a conversation that isn't a full fledged desire to make a wrong right. My self-love is too high to have anybody in my life who does not see the precious, wonderful girl in front of them. And my mother cant change my mind on this one. Not even on his birthday.