Untitled.

You’ll reach out one day (unlike you) and I wont reply. Very Unlike me.

You’ll reach out one day and I’ll have to pull back.

You’ll label it as coldness, I’ll categorize it as keeping my sanity.

You’ll reach out one day and I wont answer (though I’ll want to).

You’ll label it as moved on, I’ll label it as still healing; maybe I'll always be healing.

You’ll reach out and ask to meet and a rush of (good) memories will wrap me up in the same rush that you once gave me. I’ll decline, though I will want to say yes (I will want to say yes more than you will know).

You’ll reach out one day (typical of you) and I wont reply. Very typical of me.

An Open Letter To Single Girls in Their 30s, 40s... How To Be at Peace at Being Single at 30, 40...

My mom loves to say that those who want everything seldom end up with anything or as a date once reminded, “she who asks for too much gets nothing” (he didn't get a second one, in cause you were wondering). Before you judge my sweet, old school European woman of a mother, or him, hear me out. My mom has seen me go through various relationships. Some guys she didn’t mind, one she never even wanted to meet (actually said at one point, “I never want to see him in my house”) and one in particular she loved like her own son. She actually cried when I broke up with him and though I scolded her for caring more about what she thought I wanted and who she thought I should be with versus who I actually want to be with, the truth is, when she cried, deep inside, I cried too. If only she knew that I stayed as long as I did because the thought of us together made her happy; I was happy she was happy. Her little girl was with someone who she knew would take care of her, never walk out on her if a child was involved and someone she would be proud to call a son in law.

Till this day (after one serious and a few not so serious relationships), my mom will be sitting quietly on the couch and I know, I just know, she is thinking of him and maybe even imagining how it would be if I never left. Maybe when I am getting dolled up to go to my next show she is looking at me and thinking how much more fulfilled I would be if right now I wasn’t going out but had a family to tend to. Sometimes though she is not so subtle and actually tells me, “You had a good guy but you are looking for this mystical man that you may never meet.” Yes, my heart sinks every time she says that. Not because it’s hurtful but because somewhere deep inside she may be right.

The truth is, I am selective when it comes to partners and I do want it all. Did someone say mystical man? I do want to be with someone who takes my breath away and will take my breath away everyday of our life together but so what? What is wrong with wanting that fairy tale? Why are girls who never wanted to settle (not in the slightest) branded as having princess syndrome? Why are we made to feel as if the boat has sailed and all we could do now is fantasize and dwell that we never got on it. Why are we encouraged to doubt ourselves and believe that that big fancy boat was our ticket out of this and would bring us somewhere bigger and better? Why are we made to feel that we should spend just a little of our day saturating ourselves in guilt with thoughts of the one we should have held on to but instead let go of?

The truth is, there are days where it’s hard to feel anything but guilt when thinking about a certain person who was ready to offer you love and fidelity but instead you let go of (there's an interesting correlation between that feeling and a bad day at work, bad date). Sometimes it’s hard to not feel regret when you go on dates with potential suitors who are not even half the man you left. It’s hard to not ask yourself if you made the right choice because if you didn’t then that means that what you wanted the most you had once but foolishly and carelessly let go of. It’s hard to silence the internal monologue that we single girls past 29 say to ourselves. It’s been years since I let go of the man my mom wanted to see me marry but even now I will have a day where I will miss the fact that I cant call him to ask for his stellar advice and stellar advice he always gave.

At times I am even regretful but I remind myself of one thing and one thing only- when it’s true love you feel it in your bones. When it is the real deal there is no hesitation or doubt but only the belief that this is it. Had I or you had that in our previous partners then there really would have been nothing that would have been so great that we could have imagined a life without then. I, much like you, would have stayed because something in me would have known that such a connection was too precious, too rare to let go of. But you didn’t feel that way and like myself, you let go. The fact that you left is the most poignant sign that this (for whatever reason) was not it.

I am writing this piece for every girl who has felt that way and maybe even continues to feel this way. Who followed not only her heart but also her gut; even when the mind was saying, “Stop, what are you doing?!” I am writing this for all the girls who have had to face every emotional, financial burden and life setback on their own. Be damned the people who say you don’t believe in love and marriage. If anything maybe you are like me, you hold love and marriage in such a sacred place that the thought of spending your life with someone you were not 1000% sure about is something you could not bare.

I am writing this for every girl who believes that we all have just one love of our life. I am writing this for every girl who wants her soulmate in a world of “Mr. Right-Nows.” The girls who never gave up on the dream and continue to dream. The girls who are brave enough and strong enough to stand alone because they cant bare the thought of standing next to someone they are not sure about.

The truth is, life is too short to settle, even a little bit. The thing with settling is, when you start settling with partners then what is to say you will not start to settle in every other aspect of your life as well? Think about it, even at 40, 50, 60, one is always too young to be with someone just because they are afraid being alone. Even though truth be told, we are all afraid of being alone. It’s not all Sex and the City bar hopping and second round of cosmos with your best gals. In fact, sometimes being single at a certain age is downright difficult. And then there are days where you know deep inside you are on the right path, being lead to the right person.

Below are a few pointers that help me continue to be a happy(ish) single girl in my 30s.

Let Go of Guilt and Regret:

If you are a regular reader than you know that I live by a very simple relationship mantra, “If it was working it would have worked.” In other words, focus on the fact that something was missing in your past relationships and pride yourself in being strong enough to realize that. Feelings of guilt, regret and shame will only leave you doubtful of every move you ever make. Trust that you did the right thing.

Do Not Be Ruled By Loneliness:

Whenever one of my girlfriends loses her shit over a guy I always like to look her in the eye and ask one and only one question: do you think this was the love of your life? If there is even a morsel of doubt to that answer then I know that all her tears and longing are the ego’s way of dealing with rejection. We humans hate rejection (even when it is enforced by someone we did not want). Doesn’t that blow your mind? Most of the time we lose our shit when a relationship ends not because we are experiencing heartache but because we are hurt that person X no longer wants our exclusive company. Don’t let your ego fool you and do not be ruled by loneliness. If it will make you reach out for people who you are not suited for and will bring you a lot of perceived heartache that really is just the ego not wanting to be alone.

Do Not Focus on Happy Couples Online

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, so if you are the type of person to feel less than because your ex-best friend just posted her wedding pictures, please stop. Number one, you are doing yourself a disservice and secondly you may be idealizing what may not exist. Maybe one day that relationship you idealized will be ending while you will be posting your own fairy tale wedding while they will be idealizing you. Case in point, we all have our own journey. Focus on yours.

Believe in Destiny, Love and Above all, Yourself.

Sometimes my friends are shocked how fast I bounce back from a failed romance but the truth is, if you believe in destiny and hold on to the idea that the right person will come at the right (or wrong but nonetheless come) time then there really is not much to get hurt about. If this was it then it would have been it but it wasn’t so therefore it isn’t. Never stop listening to that voice inside you. The one leading you to where you are meant to be and ultimately guiding you to the right person (no matter how much a well meaning mother tells you otherwise).

If you truly want Bonnie and Clyde (minus the deaths) then do not settle for Ike and Tina. If you want Ashton, then wait for Ashton and do not spend years with Macaulay. If you are looking for take-my-breath-away then why settle for just steady breathing?

Online Mob Mentality, Bandwagon Hating and Why We Stopped Giving a F*ck How Others Feel

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was involved in my first ever Facebook comment backlash (see: got my first ever verbal beat down like my name was Mike). Mind you I have had my share of debates on threads but this was different. It consisted of folks I've never met, a few I knew casually and even some I've raised beer glasses with that I watched "like" comments that put me down, insulted me and did it in such a hateful manner that I deleted the post altogether (yes, me doing so might be misread that they won and I lost but my sanity is more important than my pride and besides ain't nobody got time for a hateful thread when you are trying to re-elect a federal representative). It was tough, it was hurtful but above all, it was kinda disturbing.

It was disturbing to see grown adults make comment after comment about how wrong I was, how silly my comment was, how dumb I was for suggesting such a thing but it was also fascinating how they came in droves (the hatemobile was packed that day, my friends). At the rate that my Facebook was giving me alert updates you would think I would have posted a naked throwback photo but alas no, just a comment that others did not care for. You would think just one would say, "She got the point, we can stop now" but no, comment after comment came; figurative slap after slap was committed and another example of mob mentality and bandwagon hating was put next to the thousand of other examples that exist everyday. Yesterday was my day. Lucky me.

As I mentioned they came in droves and most bandwagon hating does. It's interesting how ideas get stuck and become your own and you start to express as your own even if they are not. Same thing happens with positive things too. Show me a female that Boy A thought was slightly above average looking and watch how fast he will change his mind about her when Boys B-H categorize her as "Super hot." I imagine the same thing happens with online hating. You notice a comment, think to yourself, "Hmm, what an out there comment but maybe this chick has a point." 10 people disagree with her and before you know it you are right there in the mud with the others. 

You can say I asked for it by posting a comment on a public event page seen by everyone who had access to it but did I really? Am I not allowed to make a comment that I know goes against the popular norm in a respectful manner without getting hated on? 

Before you roll your eyes let me be clear, this is not a "woe is me" piece, nor is it a "poor me" piece but rather it is a "poor we/us" piece. I hate to point out the absolute obvious but we love putting others down. And I don't mean we get off on seeing someone in an uncomfortable spot, but we genuinely have gotten in the habit of making others feel less than. Have you met your putting-others-down quota today? No, not yet? Better get to work, junior.  

Though I didn't see them, I'm sure some were salivating that I was getting a verbal beating. Strong girl who thinks she can comment as she pleases? Not on my watch, little girl! Even now I think back to some of the comments and I think, did that actually happen? For my idealistic heart I'm gonna assume it didn't. I wanna rewrite the past and I wanna imagine that somebody (even if they disagreed with me) came to my side and at the very least said, "Guys, chillax, agree to disagree." I'm gonna assume that the world is still filled with gentlemen who didn't feel comfortable bashing a girl when others were already doing that for them. I know you are out there gentlemen, even if you were silent during the thread.

Speaking of gender, perhaps our expectations of females has only changed on the surface. Maybe we still think big mouth Russian girls should know their place and not speak up when it is in regards to seemingly powerful men who have droves of people waiting to jump to their defense if she ever forgets where she stands. Or maybe we just don't like expressive people altogether? Or maybe we've become the culture of "You're wrong, I'm right," to keep us all in line. Break down every original thought we ever had so the only thing that exists is the status-quo.

A positive did come out this though, I gained a new level of empathy. Now I know how Drake feels. Hell, now I know how everyone who has ever been criticized online by strangers, by so called friends has felt. Should I not have made my comment? Perhaps. But if you are delivering in a respectful manner then shouldn't you get the same in return?

Or maybe yesterday was a social experiment; my way of identifying those who got no love for ol' Karinie. Were you liking statuses that put me down? Sorry bud but I may not be so friendly next time I see you. 

If I can give you just one takeaway from my experience it is that if you must disagree, do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel less than. If you see a group hating on one person in a way that goes beyond the subject at hand, point it out, be a hero and say something. Am I being too idealistic again? 

It's so easy to get lost in a hateful thread and hell maybe its even fun signaling someone out because you disagree with them but if 10 other people have already done the work for you why beat a dead horse when its already kicked? Why beat a horse at all?

To You, Whoever You Are: Part 2

On a day like today I wish I had already met you.
On a day like today I wonder why I haven't.
If you would see inside my heart you would see how much I want to.

On a day like today I wish our paths crossed sooner than the universe plans them to.
I wish our lives were already intertwined and came together by chance but nonetheless madly and deeply.

On a day like today I wish I could call you and you'd cheer me up, like only you could.
On a day like today I wish I had you to come home to (is it my turn to make dinner or yours?)

On a day like today I wanna run, not walk, to where you are.
If only I could hit "soulmate" on the GPS (if only).

On a day like today I wish I was stronger but the thought that I need you to be stronger comforts me.
On a day like today I wish I had your arms to hide in, your words to sooth me and your heart to heal mine.

On a day like today, when my thoughts creep into dark rooms I thought I locked up, I try to be optimistic because somewhere out there you need me as much as I need you. 

On a day like today the dream of you runs through my mind like a river- abundant and heavy.
On a day like today thoughts of you keep me sane.

On a day like today I wish I had already met you. 

Ice Queen mode is in effect
Cool, stoic, unfazed
Flick of a button and a big heart has finally burst.
Too big for its frame, too big for the world.
Exploded, bleed out.
(Please excuse the blood on the walls)
Still looking for the girl you once knew? 
I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.
Moved out a couple weeks ago, didn’t take anything either.
I’ll tell her you called though. 

Intuition, Interpreting Intent and Other Survival Skills We Forgot About.

Do you know why most human beings fail at interactions, have more frenemies than real friends on their Facebook or are just floating through life not exactly knowing what the hell is going? Have you ever asked why some people view themselves as CEOs of their lives and others barely hold the entry position and dream of quitting? I've always believed that what sets apart those that are always in a jam, are always in the midst of a breakup or falling out or are routinely writing their next melodramatic Facebook post (have you ever noticed that most start off with, "I really don't like sharing my personal life here but..." is lack of intuition for the latter group.

In other words, we have not taken the time to master the art of being intuitive. We are whizes at texting while exporting that excel sheet you have been working on for the last hour for your boss (while simultaneously liking your friend's penguin kissing vid on Facebook). We are pros at deciding and voicing our opinion at which actor we think should have played Batman and lastly we have become experts in deciphering things that are pretty obvious and are right there in front of our eyes. For example, that person who snubbed and didn't even look your way as you gave them your famous smiley, "Hey doll!" Yeah they don't like you. But what about when things are not as transparent? What about those that are happy to see you but you constantly get bad vibes off? (Question: are vibes still a thing? Answer: Yes)

Speaking of which, I have always found myself attracted to the hotheads. Not because I feel they get my fiery, European "Everything is a big deal, people!" side but because I've always felt that if shit was ever gonna go down, they'd be the first to tell me. A hothead will look at you and probably tell you, "Okay, I'm gonna go off on you right now and this is why." The non-hot heads will play coy, pretend everything is good, routinely admit, "It's all good" (insert fake smiley emoticon) but deep inside you know it isn't. And yet that little voice that says it isn't we often silence. 

We have become so dependent on sheer actions that we silence whatever motherboard inside is trying to send the following message, "Stop, what you are seeing in front of you is not reality. Please act accordingly." We have become so focused on the physical and the tangible that we forgot that things are seldom as they appear. The tangible and the physical does not always represent the truth.   

Transcribing peoples' intent (not what they say or do but what they really want to say and do) is, in my opinion, the most important survival tactic that one can develop. What do people really mean? What do they really want from you? Are they actually happy to see you do well? Who actually smiles when you post something terrific that has just happened to you? Who actually suppresses that human inborn characteristic to feel bitterness and who tries to curb their natural urge to be competitive but is actually happy that you are happy?

We have forgotten to pay attention to not only the actions but what they didn't say; what they didn't do and take that all into account when deciding how to go about interacting with them. Honing your intuitive skills will allow you to notice the small things they didn't want you to notice; they didn't want you to see. Seeing through the facade, the many "likes", what lies beneath the vale, is how one will decrease their pain and make time for those that truly wish them the best. 

If you think that I am advocating for one to solely listen to what feels good, you are wrong. Being intuitive and listening to your heart are two different things. Sometimes the heart leads you to places that you do not belong in. The heart may put you in arms that are not meant to hold you and the heart may put you in situations that bruise your intuition and make you second guess yourself. Intuition, unlike the heart, is a mix of emotion and brain; its rooted in the balance of what feels right and what is right. If it were a parent, unlike the heart that loves you unconditionally and cant punish you when you cut curfew and act out, intuition sees all (the good, the bad and the anticipated actions to come) and decides the course of action using that criteria. Unlike the heart, that will make you stay when your brain has a thousand reasons to leave, intuition just inherently knows that it must leave. 

Being intuitive and seeing true intent is not something that WikiHow can teach you (pictures wont help either) but rather is inside every one of us at all times. The longer you spent your life silencing that little voice (it turned out to be not so little after all), the longer it will take for it to start speaking up again and helping you on your journey. Imagine if you were a kid sitting in the classroom (front row mind you) and you knew the answers to the questions but were silenced and told you were wrong every time you wanted to give your response. With that said, be patient if it takes some time for it to speak up again but it will. How can it not? It is there to be heard. Your intuitive voice is wiser than you will ever be. It sees more than you are ever able to and is there to guide us through life and make sure that the ones by your side are the ones that belong there and the places you are you are meant to be in at that point in time.