The Vulnerability of Being A Woman

When I was growing up in the suburbs of North York, things like gender and the repercussions of being born female did not dominate my mind. Kathleen Wynn had not yet implemented her radical sex-ed curriculum and the only times gender was discussed was when it was in relation to physical health. I lived my life with a type of rose-colored glasses approach that made me believe that I can be friends with males and it can be cool. I can walk around Bathurst and Finch at 11 pm with my headphones on blast listening to Aqua without so much as a bat of my mascara painted lash and the fact that I was a female put me in so less danger physically, mentally or emotionally than if I was born male. Silly girl I was. 

Going forward 15 years later and I am singing a different tune. Why? Because being friends with a guy usually meant that sometime in our friendship he’d sit me down, I’d take a breath (knowing what's to come) and hear him utter, “You know I like more than a friend right?” The next 10 minutes would involve me explaining to him that the fact that I bought him a drink the other night was just me being a generous friend. That time I threw him a birthday party; again just me being a good “bro” (if I didn’t have tits and a vagina). The next day he'd be upset and something along the lines of, "I can't be friends with someone who lead me on" would be waiting for me in my inbox. After a few of these I realized that because of my gender I could never just be another bro.

After having several of such encounters in my life I couldn’t close my eyes anymore to what was so blatantly in front of me. My gender and the fact that I was born female would never allow me to inherent the effects of certain situations as a male would. I couldn’t be touchy feeling with a male I saw as my little/big brother without him thinking I wanted him. I couldn’t have a really friendly conversation with a male friend online without someone deciphering it as flirty and I definitely could not walk up to a guy wearing a GNR tee and wanna blab about Chinese Democracy without him claiming, “Karina just totally hit on me.” You can say I’m reaching but its happened too many times for it all just to be coincidence. 

I can no longer close my eyes and continue to sing the tune of, “I can do anything a man does.” I can’t and I’ve accepted that. I can also no longer close my eyes to the fact that because I was born female I am at risk every single day of my life to violence by a male. If you think I am exaggerating you obviously do not take public transit and or spend much time in crowded downtown places or are a woman. I do and I see women constantly being intimidated, called derogatory names, sometimes shoved and on a really busy day, a combination of all those things. I see some of them yell back or somehow position their bodies to look as though they are gonna make his day but we both know they wont. How can they? How can a 5’6 woman (even a fit one) go up against an average sized male? Sure I love the idea of tit for tat and women serving up a slice of never-disrespect-a-woman-again-Joe but how realistic is that? It’s not. Most everyday acts of physical mistreatment (it can be a simple fling of an arm in a busy walkway that can actually hurt if you have a much smaller, delicate arm) that women are faced with everyday of their lives goes unnoticed (not everyone is a writer and taking mental notes on everything that they see around them), unreported and above all, accepted and normalized as, "Listen, missy, this is Toronto. You are bound to get a little roughed up if you don't move fast enough." 

It is in those situations (where there is no polite, “Oh I’m so sorry miss, didn’t see you there; hope that didn’t hurt.”) that women are reminded that even if they are wronged there isn’t much they can do about it. You can yell back at him, “Hey, watch it, buddy!” (as I do) but even then sexism goes against you and you are left to look like the crazy one. The one overreacting over a simple brush of the hand. Ask any woman who has ever experienced "a simple brush of the hand" from a man how it felt. Some might even surprise you and tell you they noticed a small bruise the next day. That's what happens when somebody 2 times bigger than you brushes their hand heavily on your shoulder as you are walking out onto the busy street.

Don’t think the suppression of women only happens in crowded, urban spaces though. One needs to look at the intriguing yet dangerous world of the Internet to see the double standard that exists between the sexes. Aside from my own patriarchal thread bashing experience (read:  http://theocdmind.blogspot.ca/2015/10/online-mob-mentality-bandwagon-hating.html I’ve witnessed many posts and statuses that I think crossed the line. Don’t get me wrong, I can take and deliver a sexist, no ill will meaning joke like any bro but many I’ve seen oozed outright hatred and a sort of disregard for women that have made me want to call their mother and say, "Bang up job, madam." When I'd fantasize about doing that I had to remind myself that itself is sexist. 

Sexism is so inherently wired that we like to place blame on mothers (not fathers) for how children grow up. Ever watch one of those old school movies that are on Saturday nights? If there is ever a parent and teacher interview and little junior had been bad, almost always the mother gets a scolding too. The father is usually seen shaking his head in disapproval of the both of them. Sorta like, "Shame, shame, wife and son. What am I gonna do with the both of yous?" Fascinating ain't it?

Speaking of online sexism, a few weeks ago I had someone on my friend’s list post a viral video of a woman politely rejecting a male’s request for a date with the caption “Bitch.” I had a lot to do that morning but I couldn’t bite my tongue and calmly expressed to former Facebook friend how a) a woman is allowed to reject anyone, anytime, all day, every day and b) what did she do that made him categorize her as a “bitch.” His absurd remarks went on about how women play with guys and that is what makes them bitches (I think I’m quoting him actually). My heart broke just a little when he replied with that. Not because this was possibly going to be somebody’s father one day but that I live in a world full of millions of men who think they are entitled to women’s minds, bodies and above all, their time (our most precious resource, sir) for the simple fact that they are seemingly nice men just looking to chat you up. Sorry bruh, I never got that memo. You know that one that said that just because you are engaging with me I need to engage back and if I don't I am somehow an evil bitch. 

How fascinating would it be if the tables were reversed and women were allowed to put the label "asshole" on every man crush who shot them down. Instead they are encouraged to take rejection with grace and a sort of unemotional response that doesn't let things be weird. Heaven forbid they get weird? Doesn’t seem very fair to judge women for not being interested, now does it?

The day all men (and women) recognize that everything is a personal decision and whether to engage in something as simple as a conversation is also a decision that I have full right to terminate at any point in time, it is then that the patriarchal entitlement that suffocates women of all ages and races can be lessened.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a woman (almost) every single day of my life but the older I get the more I see the discrimination, the silencing and stigmatization of the woman (it gets even worse if you an overly expressive one like me). Next time you are out walking somewhere really busy, be mindful of who you may (accidentally) fling with your arm. If it is a woman, apologize and don’t act tough, for she already knows you in control at that moment.

How Your Over-Conscious, Over-Thinking Self is Not Allowing You To Lead the Life You Want

You know who had it right all along? Nike. No, I’m not talking about the fact that they had celebrity endorsement deals before it was a thing (can you imagine rocking a Yeezus sneaker in 1994?) or that they brought every kid growing up in BNS a little bit of the capitalist dream every time our allowance, Hanukkah and birthday money hit the triple digits. I’m talking about the emphasis of just going for it or as the infamous saying went, “Just Do It”

If I can climb into a time machine and tell 24 year-old me anything it would be that exact phrase, “(Bitch) Just Do It”. Don’t think. Certainly don’t analyze and for the love of Yeezus (2^nd reference of the day) don’t spend weeks weighing your options (until it wasn’t even an option and the opportunity passed) but just act. Now before you label this as rash advice promoting careless and urge-oriented decision making, I’m here to tell you its not. Rather, it’s a less thinking, more doing mantra that sees dreams materialize into tangible things you can create, produce and maybe even tag on Facebook.  

It’s great to have goals (actually I highly recommend you start having them like now) but something horrible happens as you sit on a dream; looking at it, admiring it, breathing it in but not actually digesting it? With enough time it rots. Yes, even the most bound to ripe dream will rot. Not because it was a bad dream or because you didn’t have the heart, the drive or the brains to make it happen but rather it rotted for the simple fact that you left it on the shelf too long. Neglected coupled with the inaction of not doing anything allowed it to decay and what was once shiny and new became stale and redundant.

That’s the interesting thing about human beings. We are so instant gratification seeking that we are actually hesitant about doing anything that will not produce results within the week or month. I wonder how many Zuckerbergs there were until one actually took the time, had the patience and laid out the steps to see a plan out? I’m guessing a few.

On that note, why do we have good ideas but rarely implement them. Or start experiencing a lack of confidence and start questioning, “Why me?” It is that same “Why me?” attitude has made you not reach out to that guy you have always found attractive and you think you have a spark with every time you two talk. It is that same “Why me?” attitude that has made you stay quiet when you knew that answer in your grade 12 English class. Though I belong to the “Why not me?” category of people I understand those who belong to the latter. It may be hard to believe but I am a former recovering, "Why me?" 

The "Why me?" group is made up of those individuals who think great things are meant for other people; they will take the leftovers (granted there are some left). Those whose conscious is so on and in overdrive that every mistake, every road block is so carefully orchestrated (and already coming at you if you believe in the whole, think it and it will come rule of attraction) that you already failed, in your head, sitting at home on the couch, before you even tried. Doesn’t that break your heart? 

 

Me for instance, I wanted to start my own blog but my over-conscious self (and some well meaning peeps) told me nobody would get me, it would be hard to get readers, no one would enjoy reading long essays but rather prefer short tidbits of advice they can read within 5 minutes. None of those things stopped me though they are still valid (I'm sure some still don’t get and probably never will). I went forward with a dream and sit here with 55+ blog posts. Never mind who reads them and who doesn't. Dreams are foremost for yourself. What a pity that most forget that. Had I not done this blog it would have been added to the other pile of “I wanted to but this and that happened” and that’s wasn’t fair to me.

How many life goals would you say you had over the course of the last 5 years that you gave too much time to just sit there and collect dust? Fifty percent of them? All of them? You forgot to tend to it and before you knew it the dream mummified. You tried to resurrect it, bring it back to life but just like the magic in a once stellar relationship approaching its 3 year mark, once its dead, it isn’t coming back. That’s why tending to dreams, doing anything to keep them alive, much like relationships, is so pivotal to success.

The truth is every action has pros and cons. Even getting out of your front door is risky business depends on who you ask but you still do it right? Do you actually get out of bed? Of course you do. For most of us it’s a no-brainer and so why not approach big dreams with that same ballsy attitude. You have been getting out of bed like a boss for so long you just might write a book on it (see: Russian girl gets out of bed like a boss everyday). Why do you get out of bed like a boss? Because you just do it. You don’t think about it and lo and behold, it gets done. You don’t lie there in bed thinking whether or not to get up. God damn it, you just get up. You just do it. Imagine if you pursued anything you ever wanted with the same no-brainer attitude as you did with getting out of bed?

Instead we think about our dreams and goals, weigh our options get either scared or lazy. Or put them somewhere on the proverbial back burner that we forget about altogether, or rather they lay with us in our bed, forever; never seeing the light of day.

Remember that part I was saying how I belong to the “Why Not Me?” category of persons? Well, I still think I do but that doesn’t mean I too do not have a list of things I never got to because I was scared, I procrastinated, I didn’t want to do the work at the time. Believe me, I do, however, I focus on what I can do today to see them materialize instead on dwelling that they didn’t.

My advice to you (and myself) is to not let your dreams die but rather pursue them. Afraid of failing? Yeah we all are but how cool is that one you can look back and say you were a blogger and promoter at one point in time? Or pursued being a blogger and promoter at one point in time.

Why am I so motivated you ask? Well for starters, I secretly fear death and with every birthday I realize that I have one less year to do everything I want to. Or maybe as I get older I develop more confidence and self-love to actually pursue things that serve me and not waste times on those that do not. Or maybe it’s a mixture of both. And besides, why not me (or you) indeed? 

Or maybe some of want your dreams to be like an old stuffed animal you don’t wanna let go of. You just need to hold it and see that its still there. Whether you pursue it doesn’t matter, you just want to have them to comfort you when you need it.

What I have learned, if you do not pursue a dream you let the dream fester inside you till it altogether gets swallowed by doubt. When you do not pursue a dream it become dehydrated and eventually it dies. Died from natural cause the corner will probably say but you will now better, you died because you let it die.

Untitled.

You’ll reach out one day (unlike you) and I wont reply. Very Unlike me.

You’ll reach out one day and I’ll have to pull back.

You’ll label it as coldness, I’ll categorize it as keeping my sanity.

You’ll reach out one day and I wont answer (though I’ll want to).

You’ll label it as moved on, I’ll label it as still healing; maybe I'll always be healing.

You’ll reach out and ask to meet and a rush of (good) memories will wrap me up in the same rush that you once gave me. I’ll decline, though I will want to say yes (I will want to say yes more than you will know).

You’ll reach out one day (typical of you) and I wont reply. Very typical of me.

An Open Letter To Single Girls in Their 30s, 40s... How To Be at Peace at Being Single at 30, 40...

My mom loves to say that those who want everything seldom end up with anything or as a date once reminded, “she who asks for too much gets nothing” (he didn't get a second one, in cause you were wondering). Before you judge my sweet, old school European woman of a mother, or him, hear me out. My mom has seen me go through various relationships. Some guys she didn’t mind, one she never even wanted to meet (actually said at one point, “I never want to see him in my house”) and one in particular she loved like her own son. She actually cried when I broke up with him and though I scolded her for caring more about what she thought I wanted and who she thought I should be with versus who I actually want to be with, the truth is, when she cried, deep inside, I cried too. If only she knew that I stayed as long as I did because the thought of us together made her happy; I was happy she was happy. Her little girl was with someone who she knew would take care of her, never walk out on her if a child was involved and someone she would be proud to call a son in law.

Till this day (after one serious and a few not so serious relationships), my mom will be sitting quietly on the couch and I know, I just know, she is thinking of him and maybe even imagining how it would be if I never left. Maybe when I am getting dolled up to go to my next show she is looking at me and thinking how much more fulfilled I would be if right now I wasn’t going out but had a family to tend to. Sometimes though she is not so subtle and actually tells me, “You had a good guy but you are looking for this mystical man that you may never meet.” Yes, my heart sinks every time she says that. Not because it’s hurtful but because somewhere deep inside she may be right.

The truth is, I am selective when it comes to partners and I do want it all. Did someone say mystical man? I do want to be with someone who takes my breath away and will take my breath away everyday of our life together but so what? What is wrong with wanting that fairy tale? Why are girls who never wanted to settle (not in the slightest) branded as having princess syndrome? Why are we made to feel as if the boat has sailed and all we could do now is fantasize and dwell that we never got on it. Why are we encouraged to doubt ourselves and believe that that big fancy boat was our ticket out of this and would bring us somewhere bigger and better? Why are we made to feel that we should spend just a little of our day saturating ourselves in guilt with thoughts of the one we should have held on to but instead let go of?

The truth is, there are days where it’s hard to feel anything but guilt when thinking about a certain person who was ready to offer you love and fidelity but instead you let go of (there's an interesting correlation between that feeling and a bad day at work, bad date). Sometimes it’s hard to not feel regret when you go on dates with potential suitors who are not even half the man you left. It’s hard to not ask yourself if you made the right choice because if you didn’t then that means that what you wanted the most you had once but foolishly and carelessly let go of. It’s hard to silence the internal monologue that we single girls past 29 say to ourselves. It’s been years since I let go of the man my mom wanted to see me marry but even now I will have a day where I will miss the fact that I cant call him to ask for his stellar advice and stellar advice he always gave.

At times I am even regretful but I remind myself of one thing and one thing only- when it’s true love you feel it in your bones. When it is the real deal there is no hesitation or doubt but only the belief that this is it. Had I or you had that in our previous partners then there really would have been nothing that would have been so great that we could have imagined a life without then. I, much like you, would have stayed because something in me would have known that such a connection was too precious, too rare to let go of. But you didn’t feel that way and like myself, you let go. The fact that you left is the most poignant sign that this (for whatever reason) was not it.

I am writing this piece for every girl who has felt that way and maybe even continues to feel this way. Who followed not only her heart but also her gut; even when the mind was saying, “Stop, what are you doing?!” I am writing this for all the girls who have had to face every emotional, financial burden and life setback on their own. Be damned the people who say you don’t believe in love and marriage. If anything maybe you are like me, you hold love and marriage in such a sacred place that the thought of spending your life with someone you were not 1000% sure about is something you could not bare.

I am writing this for every girl who believes that we all have just one love of our life. I am writing this for every girl who wants her soulmate in a world of “Mr. Right-Nows.” The girls who never gave up on the dream and continue to dream. The girls who are brave enough and strong enough to stand alone because they cant bare the thought of standing next to someone they are not sure about.

The truth is, life is too short to settle, even a little bit. The thing with settling is, when you start settling with partners then what is to say you will not start to settle in every other aspect of your life as well? Think about it, even at 40, 50, 60, one is always too young to be with someone just because they are afraid being alone. Even though truth be told, we are all afraid of being alone. It’s not all Sex and the City bar hopping and second round of cosmos with your best gals. In fact, sometimes being single at a certain age is downright difficult. And then there are days where you know deep inside you are on the right path, being lead to the right person.

Below are a few pointers that help me continue to be a happy(ish) single girl in my 30s.

Let Go of Guilt and Regret:

If you are a regular reader than you know that I live by a very simple relationship mantra, “If it was working it would have worked.” In other words, focus on the fact that something was missing in your past relationships and pride yourself in being strong enough to realize that. Feelings of guilt, regret and shame will only leave you doubtful of every move you ever make. Trust that you did the right thing.

Do Not Be Ruled By Loneliness:

Whenever one of my girlfriends loses her shit over a guy I always like to look her in the eye and ask one and only one question: do you think this was the love of your life? If there is even a morsel of doubt to that answer then I know that all her tears and longing are the ego’s way of dealing with rejection. We humans hate rejection (even when it is enforced by someone we did not want). Doesn’t that blow your mind? Most of the time we lose our shit when a relationship ends not because we are experiencing heartache but because we are hurt that person X no longer wants our exclusive company. Don’t let your ego fool you and do not be ruled by loneliness. If it will make you reach out for people who you are not suited for and will bring you a lot of perceived heartache that really is just the ego not wanting to be alone.

Do Not Focus on Happy Couples Online

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, so if you are the type of person to feel less than because your ex-best friend just posted her wedding pictures, please stop. Number one, you are doing yourself a disservice and secondly you may be idealizing what may not exist. Maybe one day that relationship you idealized will be ending while you will be posting your own fairy tale wedding while they will be idealizing you. Case in point, we all have our own journey. Focus on yours.

Believe in Destiny, Love and Above all, Yourself.

Sometimes my friends are shocked how fast I bounce back from a failed romance but the truth is, if you believe in destiny and hold on to the idea that the right person will come at the right (or wrong but nonetheless come) time then there really is not much to get hurt about. If this was it then it would have been it but it wasn’t so therefore it isn’t. Never stop listening to that voice inside you. The one leading you to where you are meant to be and ultimately guiding you to the right person (no matter how much a well meaning mother tells you otherwise).

If you truly want Bonnie and Clyde (minus the deaths) then do not settle for Ike and Tina. If you want Ashton, then wait for Ashton and do not spend years with Macaulay. If you are looking for take-my-breath-away then why settle for just steady breathing?

Online Mob Mentality, Bandwagon Hating and Why We Stopped Giving a F*ck How Others Feel

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was involved in my first ever Facebook comment backlash (see: got my first ever verbal beat down like my name was Mike). Mind you I have had my share of debates on threads but this was different. It consisted of folks I've never met, a few I knew casually and even some I've raised beer glasses with that I watched "like" comments that put me down, insulted me and did it in such a hateful manner that I deleted the post altogether (yes, me doing so might be misread that they won and I lost but my sanity is more important than my pride and besides ain't nobody got time for a hateful thread when you are trying to re-elect a federal representative). It was tough, it was hurtful but above all, it was kinda disturbing.

It was disturbing to see grown adults make comment after comment about how wrong I was, how silly my comment was, how dumb I was for suggesting such a thing but it was also fascinating how they came in droves (the hatemobile was packed that day, my friends). At the rate that my Facebook was giving me alert updates you would think I would have posted a naked throwback photo but alas no, just a comment that others did not care for. You would think just one would say, "She got the point, we can stop now" but no, comment after comment came; figurative slap after slap was committed and another example of mob mentality and bandwagon hating was put next to the thousand of other examples that exist everyday. Yesterday was my day. Lucky me.

As I mentioned they came in droves and most bandwagon hating does. It's interesting how ideas get stuck and become your own and you start to express as your own even if they are not. Same thing happens with positive things too. Show me a female that Boy A thought was slightly above average looking and watch how fast he will change his mind about her when Boys B-H categorize her as "Super hot." I imagine the same thing happens with online hating. You notice a comment, think to yourself, "Hmm, what an out there comment but maybe this chick has a point." 10 people disagree with her and before you know it you are right there in the mud with the others. 

You can say I asked for it by posting a comment on a public event page seen by everyone who had access to it but did I really? Am I not allowed to make a comment that I know goes against the popular norm in a respectful manner without getting hated on? 

Before you roll your eyes let me be clear, this is not a "woe is me" piece, nor is it a "poor me" piece but rather it is a "poor we/us" piece. I hate to point out the absolute obvious but we love putting others down. And I don't mean we get off on seeing someone in an uncomfortable spot, but we genuinely have gotten in the habit of making others feel less than. Have you met your putting-others-down quota today? No, not yet? Better get to work, junior.  

Though I didn't see them, I'm sure some were salivating that I was getting a verbal beating. Strong girl who thinks she can comment as she pleases? Not on my watch, little girl! Even now I think back to some of the comments and I think, did that actually happen? For my idealistic heart I'm gonna assume it didn't. I wanna rewrite the past and I wanna imagine that somebody (even if they disagreed with me) came to my side and at the very least said, "Guys, chillax, agree to disagree." I'm gonna assume that the world is still filled with gentlemen who didn't feel comfortable bashing a girl when others were already doing that for them. I know you are out there gentlemen, even if you were silent during the thread.

Speaking of gender, perhaps our expectations of females has only changed on the surface. Maybe we still think big mouth Russian girls should know their place and not speak up when it is in regards to seemingly powerful men who have droves of people waiting to jump to their defense if she ever forgets where she stands. Or maybe we just don't like expressive people altogether? Or maybe we've become the culture of "You're wrong, I'm right," to keep us all in line. Break down every original thought we ever had so the only thing that exists is the status-quo.

A positive did come out this though, I gained a new level of empathy. Now I know how Drake feels. Hell, now I know how everyone who has ever been criticized online by strangers, by so called friends has felt. Should I not have made my comment? Perhaps. But if you are delivering in a respectful manner then shouldn't you get the same in return?

Or maybe yesterday was a social experiment; my way of identifying those who got no love for ol' Karinie. Were you liking statuses that put me down? Sorry bud but I may not be so friendly next time I see you. 

If I can give you just one takeaway from my experience it is that if you must disagree, do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel less than. If you see a group hating on one person in a way that goes beyond the subject at hand, point it out, be a hero and say something. Am I being too idealistic again? 

It's so easy to get lost in a hateful thread and hell maybe its even fun signaling someone out because you disagree with them but if 10 other people have already done the work for you why beat a dead horse when its already kicked? Why beat a horse at all?

To You, Whoever You Are: Part 2

On a day like today I wish I had already met you.
On a day like today I wonder why I haven't.
If you would see inside my heart you would see how much I want to.

On a day like today I wish our paths crossed sooner than the universe plans them to.
I wish our lives were already intertwined and came together by chance but nonetheless madly and deeply.

On a day like today I wish I could call you and you'd cheer me up, like only you could.
On a day like today I wish I had you to come home to (is it my turn to make dinner or yours?)

On a day like today I wanna run, not walk, to where you are.
If only I could hit "soulmate" on the GPS (if only).

On a day like today I wish I was stronger but the thought that I need you to be stronger comforts me.
On a day like today I wish I had your arms to hide in, your words to sooth me and your heart to heal mine.

On a day like today, when my thoughts creep into dark rooms I thought I locked up, I try to be optimistic because somewhere out there you need me as much as I need you. 

On a day like today the dream of you runs through my mind like a river- abundant and heavy.
On a day like today thoughts of you keep me sane.

On a day like today I wish I had already met you.