The Crush

I walk into a concert hall and don’t even look your way,
“She doesn’t give a fuck,” I’m sure you say.

Little do you know that I came just to see you and act all casual like I don’t want it to be me and you.

As much as I try to fight it, you keep entering my mind.

Same goes with my day dreams and dirty bedtime rhymes.

Its like you are camped out in my subconscious and you got the fire going all day.
I wanna stay there with you, hot and tempted by all that you have to say.

I want you, there's no other way to say this.
I wish I didn’t have to lay my heart out on this piece of juvenile tidbit. 

There's so many things about you that get to me.
Your tattoos,

Your smile,
Your attitude and of course,
Your bad boy style.

Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not just the superficial.
Don’t label me as just another fan girl whistle.

There's something about you that makes me think there is not another you but no tattoos and a B.A. just isn’t what you are used to.
That’s okay, I don’t mind, I’ve always had a thing for opposites.
Why?

Similar has just never blown my mind.

You think I’m a good girl and I am but don’t think I don't have what you need in this T.O. land.

Want somebody to hold you, I’ll be that girl.

You’ll play your new song for me and I’ll read you my next blog.
And then well do some lines and all will be good. 

Hand in hand, walking like we should.

I don’t easily like someone, that’s why this is so rare but it’s
also exciting because I think of all that can be there.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
A bad girl at heart.

Come on, corrupt me with your leather and all that dark.

5 Myths Surrounding Suicide Most People Won’t Talk About

1. You were weak. 

Not to get too graphic but if you look at some of the ways that certain people have bowed out, the last thing you can call them is weak. To make a decision and to go full force with it is not weak by my standards. If anything, that is one determined S.O.B. However, if we are going to be assigning characteristics then the common two among those prone to suicide are hypersensitivity and people pleasing.

I’ve always said, if you are someone with an above average sensitivity level, you are both cursed and blessed. Blessed in that you love harder than most, laugh louder than the average and feel happiness on a level others very seldom can comprehend. The cursed part is that you also feel pain on a level others cannot comprehend and will spend energy, tears and time on situations that most wouldn’t give a second thought to.

And there lies the second characteristic of those who are suicide prone; most are people-pleasers. If you are somebody who always puts themselves first then things such as guilt, regret and empathy are not always emotions one feels easily because to you, it's all about you. People who are suicide prone are many times thinking about somebody else’s needs, someone else’s request, what another asked them to do (heaven forbid they say no to someone) and most times it gets to the point where they will neglect their own feelings and needs. They have been helping to finish somebody’s else’s full plate for so long that they neglected their own as it was growing bigger and bigger. The result: clean plate and a full belly for everybody else and full plate and an empty stomach for them. 

Anybody who takes their own life is not weak. There is only so much food one can eat off a plate in one sitting by themselves. Do not get to the point where you are so overwhelmed that you just want to throw the whole thing away. There are new plates (stronger and imported ones), there are better food choices and there is always time to finish a meal. Never forget that.

It is strength to allow yourself to feel all the pain that is inside you. It is strength to realize that you are at the end of your rope. It is strength to be 150% honest with yourself. However, it is the ultimate sign of strength to do something about it.

2. You suffered from depression or mental illness.

If you have ever spoken to a friend or a professional about thoughts of suicide then you know full well that it is usually met with two questions: have you tried this (insert name of generic happy pill)? Have you been to that clinic? Though I do believe that many people who are suicidal are clinically depressed and may have an actual chemical imbalance, it does not however do anybody justice when every single person who has had thoughts of suicide gets lumped into an umbrella category of “depressed” and having mental issues.

Yes, in some ways this diagnosis can help an individual get through their struggle but in many ways they can also harm them. Such labels stigmatize the individual, take away all personal identity and defines them as belonging to some society disapproved group that further puts them in a position of being less then. If you are having a bad day and you think that you may not be able to get through the next one, it does not necessarily mean that you are depressed or that some wire in your brain is off. It can simply mean that you have perhaps taken on more than you can chew and need to release all the anxiety, frustration and feelings of failure that you have accumulated. To be sad does not mean that you are depressed. It means that you are a human being who reacts to things. It would be weird if you didn’t. 

3. You only cared about yourself.

It is normal to first feel sadness and then complete anger for the person who purposely both ended their life and caused you pain as a result of it. “He/she didn’t care about anybody but his or her own self!” plays like a broken record when someone loses somebody to the choice of suicide (and make no mistake, it is a choice) but the truth is, anybody who has ever taken their own life did care about those around them. They cared a lot. So much so that their own perceived failure in the eyes of those they both loved and respected was unbearable. They did care about you and it was their assumed unworthiness in your own eyes that they couldn’t come to terms with. Little did they know though that them just staying alive (living and breathing) was all that we wanted from them. 

4. You were anti-social and an introvert.

I don’t think it needs to be said that those we never thought would, did. I always say, don’t worry so much about the person with the most melodramatic Facebook status, worry about the person who always seems happy. People who are prone to suicide lead very private yet social lives; always worried about burdening others with their own pain and thus keep most of it to themselves. They go out a lot, they date, they mingle. They play the part of social butterflies but little do you know that lone wolf tendencies are inherently them.

Not a single person is immune to pain so severe that they think it will never leave them. Sometimes the people we should be the most worried about are the ones we often are not.

5. You wanted to die.

The biggest misconception about somebody who takes their own life is that they wanted to die. I know what you are thinking, if they didn’t want to die they wouldn’t have killed themselves. Yes, from a logical point of view death is the ultimate relief where there is no rewind button but if you have ever talked to anybody who has survived their own suicide attempt, most will tell you that they never wanted to bow out completely. They just wanted to hit the pause button, start over and undo all their mistakes. Maybe have some relief from a devastating break-up, consecutive failure and on some level, a break from their own self.

We need to let go of the stereotypes that surround both who have attempted and survived it and those who were successful. Not everyone was suffering from depression and if you ask me, I believe that if given a second chance, most wouldn't go through with it. If given a second chance... 

What a pity that we don’t live in a world where you can take a month off from work (without getting penalized) to get your head together and get your emotional and mental self back on track. What a shame that we rarely have friendships so transparent that we can bear our hearts and darkest thoughts without the slightest fear of being judged or having it repeated elsewhere. How sad that most often than not, we have partners who do not take us exactly as we are; most partners want the cheerful and uplifted version of ourselves (hair and makeup better be on point too) and grow irritated when they are given the opposite. Maybe if we did most people wouldn’t feel so alone and see solvable problems (as most are) as not.

How I Survived a Milestone Birthday and Lived to Write About It

New agers call it a solar return, teenagers call it getting old and if you are somewhere between the ages of 24 to 28, chances are you can't even talk about it without breaking into a cold sweat. Yes, the milestone birthday. Whether you are turning 25, 30 or 50, this is a step by step thought process of how I survived mine and you can too.

My most prized possessions: my journals

I took the time and reflected.

Everyone has their own preference for reflection. For me walking has always been a great tool for decluttering my mind while journaling has worked as an extraction of the other noise, worry and concern that gets left behind.  Where am I now? Where am I going? What makes me happy? Where do I not want to be in 5 years? Spend some time and physically write out whatever comes to mind in relation to these questions. Not all of them you will have the answers to but knowing yourself inside out is not the end goal or what reflection is about. Formulating a somewhat level of consciousness, however, is. Documenting your thoughts, physically releasing ideas you don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else and formulating questions is a very useful tool to remembering not only how you felt but how far you have come. The best thing though- there's virtually no wrong way to do this. Lock yourself up in a space, get a piece of paper or open up Microsoft Office and write down whatever it is that is on your mind. You'll be glad you did. I always am.

I measured success by my own standards.

How I determine whether or not I am living life “to the fullest” is by asking myself, “Did I do more, see more, form more friendships than I did the previous year?” If the answer is a resounding yes then all is well. The trick is to keep going forward, doing more than you did before and to just keep moving. Even on your most darkest days, remember, left foot, right foot. Whatever you do, do not just stand in one place.

I reevaluated my friendships.

My rule for party friends is very simple: everyone and their grumpy cat is invited. My criteria for close friends is: if you don’t make me better (and by better I mean: adding wisdom, fun and that little something unexplainable you feel when you know you met special someone), then I’m not sure why we are hanging out and having dinner together? The way I see it, time is the most precious thing in the world. It’s our non-renewable resource and once it’s gone, its gone. Invest your time, energy and patience into those who truly make you happy. Everyone else, smile, be friendly, send a friend request but know that not everyone is meant to be in your inner circle.

I stopped creeping.

Social media has changed the way we communicate but it also changed the way we perceive ourselves in relation to others. With an influx of images and words in your news feed coming at you faster than you can say “Must be nice to go on vacation 4 times a year,” social media has widened the gap between the “I have this” and “you have this” category. However, before a milestone birthday (and anytime really) its important to remember that things are not always as they appear to be. There’s no point in taking a few shots and drowning yourself in Wiser’s after seeing that the goofy kid from your elementary class just launched his third business. There’s no use in feeling less than because certain people are in different (see: seemingly better) phases of their life than you are. Let others perceived success be your driving force, not the reason you say, “I’ll never get to that level, why even bother?” Enter this new decade with admiration for others but also with all the belief in your own self and your capabilities.

I got out of my comfort zone and took on new projects.

We are endlessly referring to this so called comfort zone but what exactly is this place that has gotten such a bad rep? Wikipedia defines the comfort zone as a, “behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.” I however have a different definition for it. If you are feeling zero fear and anxiety (be in a job, a relationship, etc) then you sir/madam, are in the comfort zone. Your life should be filled with butterflies, end of story. I want to enter this new decade feeling both fear and excitement but having the latter trump the former.Who's with me?

There are also a few projects that I always wanted to do but didn’t. Why? Because they seemed too out there and that’s why now, this new decade, is the perfect time to see them through. Soft cushy corners, a bed you know so well and cabinets that house all your favorites be damned, life is too short to live in the proverbial comfort zone. Throw yourself into a new room, close the door and don’t come out till you are comfortable with new furniture and ultimately a stronger version of you.

I planned something exciting for my birthday.

If you are a really busy person then you appreciate whatever down time you have. If your day is filled with to-do lists and things that absolutely need to get done then your mind seldom wanders and that is exactly why I did not spend any considerable time leading up to my birthday feeling anything but excitement. I was too busy to be worried or to feel sorry for myself because I had to plan a birthday concert for me and my friends. Where will we rent the PA system for the bands? Will Ammo make a guest appearance? What do grown adults want to get in a loot bag? These are the questions that ran through my head leading up to the big day, not fear and anxiety.  

Birthday at the Izakaya House; June 2014

 

Birthday Invite

The way I see it, if you have something amazing to look forward to then your birthday does not mark you turning some kind of society disapproved number but rather involves celebrations, cake and your nearest and dearest. Trust me, planning a birthday concert, picnic and anything else which involves celebrations will keep your mind off any negative. It will also make you focus more on the exciting upcoming new phase in your life and most importantly all the festivities that will involve that big day. May you have a blast. I did.

I got rid of things I no longer needed or that which held no value in my present.

Remember that part about re-evaluating your friendships and letting go of those that no longer add to your life? Well, it also applies to tangible goods you are holding on to. You don’t want to take off into this new exciting decade with bags of junk from your past, do you? I didn’t. I wanted to start my new decade feeling light and not being weighed down with things that I probably don’t even need. Besides, everything you really need is within you; all that extra stuff is just stuff.

A former high school dropout gets her Honours B.A.;York University

I focused on what I already achieved.

When thinking about all we have not yet done we sometimes forget to give ourselves a big pat on the back for all that we already have done. Make no mistake kiddo, it was you who woke up early to go to your 8:30 am (insert name of class or tutorial you dreaded the most in college or university); it was you who calmed yourself down and took the responsible route when you wanted to clock out or to tell your boss to take a hike; it was you who flyered up Queen West for your first gig at the Bovine; it was you who has spent, energy and maybe even a few tears to get yourself to where you are now. So be proud of yourself and all that you have done already.

I became grateful for who and what I had. 

If you are reading this somewhere warm and on your personal computer or smartphone then chances are, you are a lot better off than other people in the world. The truth is, the sun is still shining and whatever you went through you survived. How do I know you survived? Well, you are still here; living, breathing and getting up in the morning. Be grateful that you are. I am.

I stopped being afraid of failure and realized that there really is no time like the present.

There’s a quote I heard once that really resonated with me: “hesitation will kill more dreams than failure ever will.” Have a big dream that you think is too out there? Go for it anyways! Afraid to approach your crush? Send them a Facebook message inviting them to go somewhere. Want to launch a new business but think you are not mentally or financially prepared? Guess what, you may never be! In other words if you are waiting to do something when you are 100% mentally, emotionally and financially ready to, then I hate to break it to you but that day may never come. If you regularly put things on the back burner, I have a feeling I will meet you five years from now and you will say the exact same thing, “I just need one more year.” Don’t be that person. Realize that there is no such thing as 100% ready for anything. This should be a comforting thought though, not a scary one because ultimately it means that even though you feel hesitant and not up to par, you should still go forward.

I allowed myself to feel all the worry, anxiety and fear I was feeling.

If you know me personally then you know that I’m a big advocate for allowing oneself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Want to get angry, get angry. Want to be so excited that most people think you are on something? Jump off the walls, ol’ girl! Whatever you do, don’t keep it all inside. Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling but remember that nothing gets accomplishment if you are continually in a space of frustration or even worse, regularly beating yourself up. If anything, doing that will leave you so proverbially tattered and bruised that you may not have any energy leftover to actually do anything to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and self loathing. Remember, you are always allowed to feel whatever it is you are feeling but make sure there's a purpose to it.


I stopped being hard on myself and realized that I did the best I could.

I've always felt that having high expectations (mostly for myself) was my achilles' heel. Admirable in that mediocre results never cut it (moi, average?) but in many ways it is that same drive for amazing that has caused me disappointment. When I say I stopped being hard on myself I mean that I gave myself a break. Not to say that I gave myself a hall pass to stop being productive but rather I started thinking of how to go about getting the things I really want.  Dwelling does nothing but set your focus backwards.

The truth is, we’ve all been through difficult times that we may still be healing from. You are only human and chances are you did the best you could for that time with what you had.

All in all, it may not be easy welcoming a milestone birthday but the trick is to pick yourself up from the pool of, shoulda, coulda, woulda and enter this new decade on a foundation of: I should, I could and I will. Imagine your ideas, dreams and aspirations as a flower. As long as you are listening to them and seeing them blossom versus forgetting to water them altogether then you are doing alright.  This is a new ride for you, so take your “Ugh” and turn it into “Hell yeah! Lets do dis”  and you will.

Remember, the best is yet to come. Actually, scratch that, the best is right now. May we all have many more milestone bdays to celebrate!

12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 2

This may go without saying but just so we are clear, I do not think my "12 Golden Rules" should be set in stone nor do I think every point can be applied to every situation. I am simply sharing what I have experienced, seen what has worked, what hasn't, etc. This piece is meant to be a foundational starting tool for attracting the right person as well as navigating the unpredictable world of dating in the modern world. The truth is, there are so many factors that go into the makeup of a good pair. Some say destiny and timing also play a role (to what degree is purely your choice to decide) but those two things you can’t control so I suggest working on those you can. With that said, I present to you, Part Deux.

7. Learn from every romantic entity that enters your life but know who you want your partner to be and be strong enough to realize when you are with somebody who simply isn’t him/her.

I’ve spent time with many guys who I knew I wouldn’t end up with and thus didn’t. It’s absolutely cool to have a few Mr./Ms. Right Now(s) in your dating repertoire but don’t you dare think Mr/Ms. Right Now can substitute Mr./Ms. Right because he/she can’t (though they may be somebody’s else’s Mr/Ms. Right). It’s funny how we get comfortable with people, time passes and before we know it we just spent 4 (tumultuous) years with somebody we knew wasn’t right for us from the get to. Isn’t it interesting how human beings will suppress their own gut feelings and inherent instincts just to have a warm body to lay next to at night?

Realize that some people you are meant to know, like, love and above all, learn from but eventually are meant to move on from. Do not stay too long in situations that aren’t meant to be long term. You don’t want to pass by Mr./Ms. Right because you were at home fighting with Mr./Ms. Right Now, do you? I don’t want you to either.

8. Remember that like attracts like.

I am in no way suggesting that both people have to listen to the same music or frequent the same concert venues in order to be happy. If anything opposite tastes in those arenas can enrich and bring growth to the both of you. Personally I like conversations that go something like, “Oh my God, you’ve never heard of the Dead 60s? No, I haven’t. Do you listen to Kendrick Lamar?”, but there is no way two people who have entirely different lifestyles and priorities will stay together. You also have to be on the same page when it comes to the big stuff. Not only does like attract like but like stays with like.

I also don’t understand (and forgive me for using a superficial numeric code) how average 6s think they deserve to be with got-it-going-on 10s? At least strive for an 8, sweetheart. Wanna a 10? Become a 10. Want a boss, baby girl? Gotta be a boss. Nuff said.

9. Pursue.

I have too many guy friends (and girlfriends) who I know for a fact want a certain person but will do nothing about it but interestingly enough will also continue to post the same cryptic Facebook status about being alone. You want somebody? Let it be known. I’m not advocating for grand gestures (though some people like that) but a simple invitation for a drink, a meal or a concert is you being proactive in wanting to see them and get to know them better but it is also harmless enough where its not entirely known that you are full on interested (as you may or may not be yet). Don’t forget that admiring from the across the bar or liking every Facebook picture they have is not you pursuing. That’s just you admiring from across the bar and hitting the Like button.

But I’m also not putting all the pressure on the guys. Women need to be a little more vocal as well. Though I personally think the guy should initiate the first date or one on one hangout or whatever the kids call it these days, however I am not above making it known that I do want to be asked out and that I would like to spend time with him one on one. Whenever I hesitate towards somebody I keep thinking back to my April post about Missed Connections (my second most popular piece, thank you dear readers) and I ask myself, what’s the worse that can happen? Rejection? Meh, been there, done that, still here.  

Bottom line, if you don’t pursue, initiate and be honest with people about how you feel you will look back on your life and regret all the people who you possibly could have had something with. Trust me on this one.

10. If you are nervous and hesitant about meeting new people, please know, the other person on the date, in the club/bar is too; they just hide it better and are probably just more drunk than you are.

If you walk into a date or a social gathering with the attitude of, I’m not entirely hideous, I know how to hold a conversation, I’m fun, then what is there to be afraid of? Please know that the majority of those who frequent online dating websites, know every speed dating shindig in the city and are regulars on the club scene are looking for the exact same thing you are: somebody to meet, somebody to spend time with, somebody to have fun with and somebody to possibly have something meaningful with. As author and anthropologist Helen Fisher once said: “Millions of years ago we evolved 3 basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love, and an attachment to a long term partner. These circuits are deeply embedded in the human brain and they are going to survive as long as our species survives on what Shakespeare called his mortal coil.”

So trust that you are not alone in feeling hesitant, a little scared, cautious to be vulnerable and all those other emotions that run through you when you are opening up to somebody about who you truly are. Who are we truly you ask? I like to equate it to an after hours amusement park. When the shiny and brightly colored rides and attractions that are you stop going full speed, the lights are off, the painted face clown clocks out and it’s just stillness and realness. No fast rides, no bells and whistles, just you. The right person will accept the real you, imperfect and all. And the ones who just want a flashy and neon decorated 24 hour show, tell them to go elsewhere. There's a height requirement for entering the after hours. 

11. Realize that some people are just not meant for you and will not be until they deal with their own issues.  

If you have been dating for at least 10 years then you know full well that there are many variations of people in the world. Some sparkle like diamonds but are all cubic zirconia inside and some seem like dehydrated flowers that somebody forgot about but on closer examination and given the chance, will eventually bloom brighter than any rose you have ever laid eyes on. With that said, there will be people that will grow more distant and cold the more caring and giving you’ll be. You need to realize that dating grown adults is complicated stuff, not only because adults are complicated stuff but because we are a mixture of all the good and bad experiences (some we never had a choice or whether or we wanted to experience) that came our way. Realize that some people just cannot accept love and as sad as it is, may spend their lives thinking they are unworthy of it. When you do something amazing they’ll just scratch their heads and say, “What is this? Why are they treating me so well? I’m not used to this. I’m scared, later girl.” When you encounter this kind of person two things need to happen. 1. They recognize that perhaps for the first in their life they are in a healthy situation and it is their lack of self-worth that is acting out and working against the both of you or 2. You go your separate ways, they grow and come back to you when they have learned what it is they needed to.

I believe (good) romantic relationship heal the scars we start accumulating at a very tender young but I also think we as adults should constantly work on ourselves so we don’t repel those who have our best interest at heart. Like I said, dating grown adults is complicated stuff, so be kind, be patient but don’t hesitate to let them know that their burdens are not your burdens. If you find yourself being a full-time therapist, run! You deserve somebody who has done the work, learned the lessons and can give you what you give them.

12. Stay idealistic but have both feet on the ground; don’t get jaded and believe that you deserve whatever it is that you are looking for.

Who knows for certain why some people gravitate towards each other and others count down the minute until the movie is done, they can hail a cab, join their friends at the neighborhood bar and tell them all about how they just had “the worst date of their life.” Who knows why certain people meet and can talk for hours while others look at the shrimp fettuccine they ordered as the highlight of the evening.

In terms of growing tired and feeling jaded that certain relationships have not materialized, there’s a quote I like to use (that was not meant to be applied to dating): “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” The way I see it, if you settle for somebody who has 60% of what you are looking for because you are tired of trying, going on countless dates with the meal as the highlight, pursuing and being rejected, and you give up altogether or settle, who is to say that the person for you (the one who had what you wanted) was just a chance week meeting away? Silly you though bowed out too soon and are now holding cubic zirconia when you could have had a diamond. Do not ever think that you are alone in wanting something real and amazing. Don’t settle, wait for somebody you makes the sun shine just a little brighter and he or she who makes your day better for the simple fact that they are in it. Every single person deserves that, including you.

Trust that the right person will not reject you or suddenly pull back. Trust that the relationship you are looking for will happen when it’s meant to (perhaps when you least expect it) but above all, trust that you are worthy of being with somebody who truly wants you. Until that happens though, work on yourself, date, have fun, meet people and do not allow anybody to alter what it is that you want for yourself. If you want that crazy, mad love affair with somebody, go for it. If you want to just have fun your entire life and have so many notches in your belt that it’s hard to tell if there are even spaces in between, that’s cool too. Just remember, like attracts like. 

Lastly, as they say, you may have to kiss a few frogs (though that same frog is a future prince to somebody else) and meet a few basic girls (though exceptional to those they are meant for) before you meet somebody who is a good fit for you, but so what? Maybe that happens so when we do meet somebody special we appreciate them that much more. Believe that somebody for you is out there, looking for you too and is just as eager to meet you. Just make sure you are the person you want to be when you do.

12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 1.

I don’t want to toot my own horn but among certain friends, I’m kinda known as the relationship whisperer. Is it because I am an endless vessel of wacky ideas and theories that nobody asked for? Maybe. Is it because I have a hard time keeping my two cents in my wallet? If you are a regular reader you know this self-proclaimed overly expressive girl can’t keep her mouth shut (perish the thought!), but what has really earned me my rep as the “relationship advice go to girl” is the amount of experience I have in them. Long term, short term, flings, amazing first dates where we never see each other again (I swear this happens), undefined get-togethers where I am not sure if he is really, really into me or is royally turned off by me; you name it (date wise), I’ve had em’. More importantly though, you name him (type wise), I’ve met him. Yup, I’ve seen a lot in my day. With that said, though there is an undeniable amount of similar dating lists online perhaps mine will bring something new to the mix. Here’s hoping.

1. Brace yourself for bipolar dating, aka. the cycle of the hot and cold dater. 

Bipolar dating occurs when you meet somebody who seems really into you right off the bat. You appreciate the attention this person is giving you (as most human beings will) but right when you start reciprocating or just as well, keep acting as you did when they first got into you, bam, they pull away faster than you can say, “Fuckin’ Capricorns, you’re all the same!” You need to understand that nobody is immune to having this done to them and coincidentally nobody is immune to being interested on a Tuesday, being turned off by something that was casually said or done on a Friday and fully checking out on a Saturday. As frustrating as this may be, this will happen. Maybe you two will be in the midst of a simple chat session, communication breakdown occurs, they say something that you are bothered by (what is trivial to them may be a deal breaker for you), a wire in your brain crosses, and you never look back. You are Scarlett O’Hara, gone with the wind, never to return again. Though another case of bipolar dating to you, “I’m glad I got to see this side of her before I really committed”, to him.

If you have done this it doesn’t mean you are a bad person and if you had this done to you then it is equally as important to remember that they too are not a bad person. Chances are, they weren’t that interested to begin with because real feelings do not change overnight but make no mistake, they are allowed to change. Simply put, people are allowed to change their mind, their feelings, their partners, etc. Besides, until the both of you are official you don’t owe each other anything and thus are both free to be turned on and off as you see fit. Yes, its frustrating and even hurtful when it is done by somebody you actually thought you had a connection with but its common so brace yourself kiddo, until you find somebody who will accept you as you truly are and will want to be with you regardless of minor hiccups for what you may say or do, you are seated in a ride that goes up and down and no doubt passes through hot and cold waters. So buckle up and wear layers, it’s about to get messy.

2. Learn to handle rejection gracefully.

This may go without saying but rejection happens to everyone. No, it does. The truth is, gorgeous and successful women get rejected. Guys who are walking and talking prizes that have all their shit together sometimes don’t get a second date. And so why should you be any different?

Secondly, the more times you get rejected the better you will be at dealing with it. At 14 rejection usually invokes tears, howls, diabolical screams and understandingly so. Why? Well, you simply don’t know any better. However, the older you get the better you get at this whole rejection thing. The better you are at handling showing up at a restaurant all dolled up, thinking you are going to order the pasta al pesto, have a magical evening that may or may not end with you on your back but instead are met with a lukewarm embrace and are told its over. Done diddly over, just like that. As mentioned, 14 year old you would lose her shit but 29 year old you excuses herself, goes to the ladies rooms, looks in the mirror, wipes a few tears and says, “You’ve been here before, ol’ girl, you got through it and by God you’ll get through it again”, comes back with reapplied mascara and finishes her pasta al pesto.

Lastly, there is something that I have really taken notice of in the last few years and that is the fact that something amazing happens when you get rejected, remain cool as a cucumber and say, “Okay, I understand.” No, one after the other text messages, repeated phone calls demanding explanations about what happened, what could have gone so wrong; how dare they no longer prefer your exclusive company?  None of that. Just a simple, “I understand” and be done with it. Not only will the person doing the rejecting be taken back by the lack of your enraged full on ego (remember, cool as a cucumber),  but I’m willing to bet 3 shots of Gran Patron that you will leave them thinking, “Am I wrong about this? How can I not be with someone so cool, so collected and above all, so unshacken by me?!” Hey, it always worked on me. Just ask the last guy I uttered the words “I’m not sure we are compatible” to. He stayed calm, collected and didn’t lose his shit in the slightest and do you know what he got?  He got a very flirty (and may I add regretful) Karina messaging him a week later asking, “So how are you ;)”. Too bad the poor bastard couldn’t get past the fact that my moment of doubt and expression of “rejection” was just that, a moment. Oh well, can’t win em all. Neither can you. Rejection happens, deal with it.

3. Talk on the phone, make time to actually see each other (No, Skype doesn’t count).  

Don’t rely on social media as your only form of communication and while you are at it, squeeze in a phone call here and there. Flirty texts can be fun but they are also cliché, redundant and impersonal. I sometimes even think, how do I know I am actually talking to so and so and not just a robot set on conversational flirting? The way I see it, if we can’t have an exciting conversation on the phone for at least 15 minutes, were not meant to be more than just friends. I know, I know, I’m actually asking for communication without emoticons and abbreviations. It’s official, I’ve seriously gone mad. ;) LOL

Also, some people are exciting texters and online chat companions but are (hate to say it) dull and coy in person. Don’t you wanna know who you are really going to be with?

4. Compatibility is not black and white.

I was always of the belief that some people just “click” or have a natural compatibility for each other but the older I get the more I think maybe there is no such thing as natural chemistry or an “effortless conversation”. Maybe the level of compatibility is only determined by how hard one tries to understand/get to know another person and work with them rather then against them. Meet somebody who may have never heard of your favourite band or has never read your favourite author? Don’t write them off right there and then or deem them as “incompatible” with you. Give it a chance, you’d be surprised who might be a good match.

5. You get what you give.

I’ve always said, we are the society of entitlement. We want our partners to be this and that and to have everything from lists A-K but we sometimes neglect to have expectations as to what we are willing to offer them; where is that long list of what you are going bring to the table. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards or refusing to take the hand of anybody who asks but the way I see it, if you want amazing, then you will need to put in the work.

Some people think that if they want the cow, they can not only get the milk for free but they can order it online, have it delivered when it suits them, have somebody else feed it and take care of it and they wont have to lift a finger. That’s not how you get a cow, people! You gotta get up, you gotta get dressed, you gotta travel (you may even have to pay the highway fee) and you will need to get on that farm and choose the cow you want. What I’m trying to say is, if you want something substantial you will need to put in the work. Did I lose you at the word “work”? Hope not. I’m not saying its going feel like a chore but in the dating world you’ll actually have to try and put your best foot forward.

On that note, some girls want to be treated like princesses and to that I say, get it girl, but if that is what you think you deserve then you my dear need to treat him like a prince. Simply put, you get what you give. Don’t expect the moon and stars but only give the bare minimum. It’s probably not going to happen (unless you meet somebody who doesn’t care how they are treated and in that case run) and it’s just not fair. Amazing relationships happen when both people give 100%. Complacent, see ya when I see ya, look elsewhere relationships give each other 60% at best. Decide which one you want to have. 

6. Get off the “It’s not me, it’s them” train and actually be honest as to why you may be single. 

One of my least favourite traits in a person is dismissiveness. Rather than filing every “bad date” or “failed relationship” as “that chick was just crazy” or “that guy will never be happy with anyone,” ask yourself: how come I repeatedly attract the same “wrong” person and have the same lacklustre date? Sometimes it really is you and sometimes it’s not; highly important to distinguish if it’s the former or the latter. If you have been single for a good couple years ask yourself, why am I? Warning you though, this may hurt a bit as self reflection sometimes does but the good news is, it’s entirely worth it. Bettering yourself (mind, body and soul) will not only do wonders for other areas of your life but most importantly, it will not repel the right person when they do come along.

Why I Walk and You Should Too

When I tell people I walk long distances as a hobby, form of release, pleasure, etc. it is often met with confused looks. What’s even more interesting is the reply I get when I tell them the number of kilometres I do in a regular walk. “Holy shit!” is a comment I hear on the regular. Why do I walk, you ask? For starters, few things in life are as invigorating or cathartic as getting semi lost, finishing (see: crawling through) your last km of the journey, watching the sun come up in Port Credit and waiting for Sunset Grill to open so I can have 6 am pancakes and home fries and reflect on what just occurred (sometimes even I ask, "Did you really need to do that ol' girl?"). Yes, when you are a walking enthusiast, this is bless. Sheer, unadulterated bless. Without further ado, why I walk and perhaps why you should too. 

1. It clears your mind, reprograms your internal energy and balances your mood.
 
If you know me personally I think you will agree that I very seldom stay in a bad mood (although when I do its one for the books but that's a different blog post altogether). The only difference between me and somebody who is consistently in a bad mood is that I walk off my bad moods. Walking has and remains the most inexpensive, healthiest and best form of medicine/therapy I have ever found and believe me, I’ve dabbled. A drink to ease my anxiety about work. Result: Still waking up feeling unbalanced the next morning and the worst part, I am too hungover to be productive. A line to make me forget him. Result: still going to sleep thinking of him. A 4 hour walk along Lakeshore with me, myself and Woods of Ypres? Always does the trick. I'm not saying walks solve problems but do I find myself more clear-headed and ready to deal with issues after a long walk? You betcha.

2. It’s a form of exercise.
 
I’ll admit it, long-distance walking started off as a vain quest for tight glutes (one can dream) but is now something that benefits me on many levels. After a long walk my head feels undeniably less cluttered, I am refocused and I can eat a whole slice of Amico's Pizza homemade cheesecake the next day without a snippet of guilt. One should never feel guilty about eating cheesecake but be honest, how much will you enjoy that decadent and fluffy slice of heaven if you walked 25 KM the day before?

Did you also know that the good people at Harvard Men's Health Watch correlated 30 minutes of daily brisk walking to adding several years to one's life? Walking, you just cant go wrong.

3. You get to see Toronto in a way you never have before.
 
I’m a late night walker as in my walking time of choice is 8 pm to 6 am. With that said, the feeling of walking on a typically busy street and not running into a single person nor seeing a passing car for hours is kinda indescribable and unheard of in this city during the day. Besides, discovering a new neighbourhood by foot is more interesting than by car or public transportation.

Not a soul in sight...

4. You get to know you, yourself and I.

To be completely alone with your own thoughts (Lana Del Rey on repeat singing in my headphones does not count) really puts things in perspective. When was the last time you spent a good 7 hours with no texts (sending or receiving), no Facebook but just your own thoughts, the motion of you walking and your home city as your only companion? It’s been a while? Better get to walking. 

5. Bragging rights, out of the ordinary Facebook statuses and unique sunset/sunrise pictures.
 
I don’t walk for any of those three reasons but I will not deny that they come as perks with being a walking enthusiast. Besides, why do mundane things? Why walk an average amount? Why not push yourself (body and mind) to the fullest? 

139 Lakeshore Road East, Mississauga; watching the sun come up after a 23 KM walk from Yonge and Bloor. May 2014.

 

Arriving somewhere surreal after a 25 KM walk, January 2012.

The reason I walk is because I simply cannot not walk. I need to, for my sanity, for my health and for those new pair of short shorts I bought while being delusional about an upcoming milestone birthday.

Port Credit Lighthouse, May 2014.

Above all though, if (long distance) walking as a hobby is something that is of interest to you then the time to get started, to get moving, to get walking is today. If you have rolled your eyes several times throughout this piece and still keep thinking, “Why would I walk? That’s why we have cars and public transportation, so we don’t have to walk. Sounds like a lot of wasted time”, to you I say: on some level you are right but you have not experienced exploring the city all by your lonesome, have not heard a single passing car for 2 hours, came home with aching hamstrings and couldn’t wait to do it all over again. Make no mistake though, I’m not advocating for you to start with a goal of walking 20 KM right from the get go. Years ago 5 KM was an achievement for me. Listen to your body, do what feels comfortable to you but also push yourself. If you won’t, who else will?

Confessions of an Ex-Groupie Wannabe/Current Music Fanatic

Growing up a Guns N' Roses and 80s metal obsessed teenager in the suburbs of North York was hard. Not because there were no concert venues nearby or that my beloved Queen West was a somewhat trek away, but because nobody I knew listened to the same music I did. Simply put, metalheads didn’t go to Northview and the closest I got to some were Ryan and Jason who listened to Limp Bizkit and the Chinese kid who humored me and allowed me to go on and on about how Chinese Democracy was going to come out one day (Oh, and it did). Yeah, life was hard but what made it just a little bit easier was the belief and the dream that I would grow up, become of legal age and spend every weekend at concert venues I wasn’t allowed to go ten feet near. Hitting up shows at the Opera House, being a regular at the Kathedral, that was gonna be me. Another fantasy was exploring romantic waters with musicians. I don’t mean to sound cliché but when I was younger, if you had long hair, tattoos, were carrying a guitar case and had a “fuck off, world" vibe to you, I wanted to know you. Everyone has a type and tattooed musicians were mine. As a teenager I’d watch the dynamic between Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour in November Rain or Don’t Cry and wanted that. Same goes with Tawny Kitaen and David Coverdale. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to get my very own rock star and if he wanted to make a video with me dancing and posing on the hood of a Jaguar, hey, I wouldn’t stop him. Backstage passes, me doing bad things to tattooed bodies and Jager shots, yes folks, these are the priorities and dreams of a teenage girl. It was all going to be so beautiful. I’d escape the suburbs of North York and my life would be the real life version of Almost Famous (minus of course the time Kate Hudson’s character takes a bottle of pills and tries to kill herself when her musician lover goes back to his wife).

At around 19-20, when a lot of my friends were choosing their first year programs at university and I was planning my big escape (somewhere hot and tattooed musician plentiful) I asked myself, “Do I really wanna become that girl right now? Maybe I should try out the whole university thing first? Hey, I can always be a part-time groupie.” And so I did just that. I enrolled in a 4 year Political Science B.A. program at York University and my groupie dreams were put on the shelf, next to my collection of Rolling Stone and Spin magazines and my very own copy of Pamela Des Barres' "I'm With The Band." I did first year and second year and during third year my groupie dream still had not subsided. As someone who doesn’t believe in suppressing any urge, I decided that I needed to live out my groupie dream once and for all. Luckily for me a friend of mine had his own promotion company and coincidentally was looking for a ticket girl. It’s like it was meant to be, I thought and it kinda was. I remember the first ever concert I decided I was gonna go home with the lead singer of the headline band. I was surprised how easy it all was. He introduced himself to me, he flirted with me and when he dedicated the last song to me I thought, “This is your chance, ol' girl”. To make a long story short, we ended up in the hotel room he was staying at with the rest of his band mates in the next suite and everything was going as my teenage self had planned. There was just one problem, there was a jolt of hesitation running through me that I desperately tried to suppress as he kept on kissing me. Is this really what I want? How come this doesn’t feel right? I just met the guy. If my mother could see me now. All these thoughts went through my head over and over and like a somewhat shock to my body, it was then I realized, I could never be a groupie. Why? Looks alone and a talent to play music was not enough for me. Simple as that. 

With such an epiphany came a whole new outlook and a series of questions I still sometimes do not have the answers to. The first one is no doubt, why are women so attracted to musicians in the first place? For me it’s the mutual love of music. I live for music, whether it’s buying CDs/tapes (yes, I still collect tapes), copping a concert tee or shelling out a week's pay for a live experience. Personally, I get the shakes if I don't see live music for two weeks. So of course the moment I meet a musician I think there is a potential bond over our mutual love for music. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't. 

Def Leppard, Molson Amphitheatre, 2011

I also have this other theory that women will be in a room of 4 guys, 3 of them are ready to date her and the one guy who is kinda, sorta interested will be the one she’ll be pinning for. In other words, the aura of the unavailable, too busy for you, “You expect me to remember Valentines? Sweetheart, I only remember gig days”, musician is kinda irresistible to most girls. Maybe deep inside every girl wants to tame somebody; wants to be the one who made him “settle down”. Hey, if Aunt Becky was successful with mullet sportin', rock club playing Uncle Jesse then why can’t I?

As mentioned though, the initial reasons for wanting to chase musicians was a bit different. I think at the core, I gravitate towards the unusual, the unordinary; maybe even a bit dangerous but the mutual love for music has to be there. If we meet and you know more Guns N' Roses trivia than I do, babe, it’s on.

With that said, since I spent so much of my youth idolizing both rock stars and the groupies who love them, I was inherently interested with the premiere of the Ex-Wives of Rock. If you are unfamiliar with it, let me bring you up to speed. The Ex-Wives of Rock is a show centered around 4 women who were previously married to well known musicians; Bobby Brown to the late Jani Lane, Athena Lee to James Kottack, Sharise Neil to Vince Neil and Susan Dixon to Jerry Dixon. I wish I can say all the women are still happily married or at the very least thriving but that’s not the case. Bobby (the 90s Cherry Pie video vixen every wannabe groupie still idolizes) is living in a one bedroom apartment and has her upcoming memoir about how it felt being a groupie as her only source of income. Of course, the lives of these four women are not the definitive representation of how every wannabe groupie ended up. I’m sure somewhere far away there is rock star and groupie duo who just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and don't have a long history of extramarital affairs. I'm sure they exist, I just cant think of any at the moment. 

If the ghost of groupies past has taught me anything, it’s that if you are going to focus and idolize anyone, make sure it's your own self. This is not me advocating for one to be self-absorbed but rather what I’m trying to say is, you can't depend on anyone other than yourself. The only person who will always have your best interest at heart is yourself. The only person who will take you from point A to point K is yourself. Sure, if you say all the right things somebody can do that for you but you are the only person who can keep yourself there. Of course you can fall in love and be the small percentage of people who makes it but anything you have with somebody else should be built on a solid foundation of the self, first and foremost. Besides, how the hell are you going to get anything accomplished if your whole life involves either waiting for sound check to finish or partying it up in the VIP area?  Sounds like a lot of effort and time just to say, "Guess who I met/partied with?"

At the end of the day (and if you are a regular reader you know this) I say, to each their own. Wanna sleep with musicians for bragging rights? Go for it, girl, I ain't mad at ya. I just wonder where would I be if my teenage plan came into fruitation; if I actually moved God knows where and chased God knows who. Maybe I'd have some wicked stories to share but the fact is, I still have some wicked stories to share, I've seen every group that was on my teenage bucket list (yes, including Guns N' Roses), I have met many musicians and I did all this while still keeping (most) of my morals intact. 

I’ll admit it, I’m still fascinated by the whole rocknrolla lifestyle but am I willing to shell out my body to whoever is interested just to be apart of that world? No, I’m not. Am I also willing to spend hours waiting outside hotel rooms and begging roadies for a glimpse of someone? Sorry, not this wannabe groupie. If it means I only watch the whole thing from afar, well then, so be it. I actually still cringe when I see episodes of Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. Not because it’s utterly vulgar and half of the women only have their GED but because it stereotypes every single groupie as dumb and simple. It's like they are all willing to give it up just because of a person’s celebrity or music scene cred. I will never be that girl. 

Don’t get it twisted though, if there is a type, long hair, tattooed and guitar case in hand is still mine but do I think women should sleep with men for the sake of all those things? Hell to the no. To get in my leather pants, yes, long hair and tattoos helps but character will be the deciding factor. I also don’t think women should define their lives on who they have bedded and the social status of that person. I don’t care if he’s the lead singer in one band and drums in another, if there’s no connection or chemistry, what’s the point? Another notch in my belt just to say I did? Nah, so much more better things to do, books to read and blog posts to write. 

Helix, Horseshoe Tavern, 2006.

What I am advocating is being your own rock star and focusing foremost on yourself and getting your life to the next level. What are your dreams in this whole boy crazy, rock star chasing tsunami? Where do you wanna be in 5, 10, 15 years? Why are you riding someone else’s coattails when your very own chariot awaits? Those are the questions I wanna ask but refrain when I see a new crop of 19 year old groupies on the scene. Maybe they are how I was, in love with the music, intoxicated by the whole vibe of the Toronto music/concert scene and all those other things that make most of us happily hand over our last $20 for a live show. Maybe they think if they get a piece of the lead singer then they’ll be that much closer to everything. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. For those wondering if this is an anti-groupie, pro-celibacy or neofeminist piece. Please, know, it’s none of those things. It’s a simple, do you, girl, piece. The world is your oyster, you are the rock star and home band of your life and everyone you meet is simply a visiting opening act.