My Partner, My iPhone and the Generation of Entitled Singles

I’ve always believed that if you are someone of quality and possess that little thing called integrity, then you will seldom find yourself single for long intervals of time. Simply put, if you are a catch there will be people in baseball mitts at the usual places and even the unsuspecting spaces where singles frequent waiting for the coach to call them over. And yet a large percentage of good folks I know remain single. Is it possible that I am wrong and that the catches are walking around the city while everyone is glued to the golf game complaining that there's nobody around? Possibly. All I know is that the majority of my friends are good people. They have jobs, they are artsy in a non-pretentious way, they are genuinely nice and yet their Facebook status continues to read, “Single.” There is nothing wrong with being single (if that is what you want) but this post is primarily for the singles that want to add “In a relationship” to their current status.

When I myself recall back to being single, I remember being torn between looking for somebody who had everything I wanted and somebody who I just liked to spend my time with (sometimes they are not the same person). I would meet somebody I liked, realize that he didn’t possess the plethora of things on my wish list, end it, move on, end up on a bad date months later and ultimately long for the connection and ease I threw away so carelessly. "Why didn't I just focus on the fact that I liked him. What did anything else have to matter?" I often would ask myself as I tried to unsuccessfully reestablish that connection that I let go (FYI most guys have a hard ever forgetting that they were not your first choice to begin with, no matter how much you express differently). Yes, after every date that lacked those infamous butterflies and ended up with me chatting on Facebook with a girlfriend, I would often ask myself: am I an entitled single? Meaning, am I so dead set on meeting somebody who looks like X and sounds like Y that I am passing by a lot of potentially good guys who I could be happy with? Should I go on Date 2 with Indie Guy even though Date 1 was a bit bland? Should I not look too closely at the fact that it was Guy X who invited me to the date and didn't flinch when the bill came?

When I hear the same people complaining about why they are single I am both surprised and am not. Surprised that in the vast and mystical world of the internet, they can not find one person they can consider being with but at the same time, lets be frank, how can one focus with so many different choices online? As somebody who has never been much for meeting someone online (you just gasped, I know), what I do remember from my limited time on online dating websites is an extensive search engine that would spit out various potential partners based on your checked off points of preference. Thought Dan’s hair was a bit too long for your taste? No worries, Steve here has the blue eyes and the short hair that you have always wanted to reproduce with. 

That damn dating search engine is a gift for our modern single in that it works as a ready to go assistant that scouts out various guys who are your type while you browse within the comfort of having your unkempt bun and wearing that gravy stained shirt you've worn all day. However, it is not without its drawback as that exact assistant (built to find your ideal match - 6’1, green eyes, brown hair) also limits all the connections that you might have had with a 5’6 dirty blond that didn’t fit the criteria. Besides, do any of us ever truly know exactly how we want our future partners to look like? Remember that scene in the Terminator where Schwarzeneggar kills a bunch of wrong Sarah Connor cause it was programmed to kill Sarah Connor. Well, that's how I view the online dating search engine. Tailored to bring you exactly what you asked for but disregarding all the other people who you might have connected with. And so much like the Terminator the search engine kills off potential romantic matches that didn't fit your prescribed criteria. 

On that note, when we long for that connection, don't we long for the feeling that person will give us? That’s why I have refrained from online dating for the most part. The interpersonal connection that two people have or do not have cannot be interpreted with a search engine or even messages or chat rooms. Besides, haven’t you ever met anybody who was so charismatic and confident that you looked beyond that they were kinda basic looking? That charm gets lost in online dating and that guy or girl who could have been the table that closed the restaurant with you just got passed up.

With so many choices online you would think that two people who are looking to not stay single would be somewhat compatible but it is the opposite. With so many choices the human dimension associated with dating gets lost. Finding somebody you like becomes this complicated process that involves left and right swipes, going to the next page and looking for somebody who you find more attractive and all while remaining single and entitled. Entitled to receive exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Nevermind that the person who didn’t fit the whole physical criteria might have had more in common with you than the 6’3 hottie. So why are you searching solely for that 6’3 hottie and complaining about being single? Why be surprised that you are single if you view dating much like a boss goes through interviews (“Nope.” “Not a good fit.” “Dream on.”) Except you are not looking for a job, you are looking for that special connection with another human being. I am writing this piece not to urge current singles to throw away the wish list but to rather focus on the people you are meeting and to truly see the person that is awkwardly sitting across from you at the table.Or at the very least be open to the person who does not fit your ideal physical type.

People are not black and white dichotomies that can be understood or even figured out within a few encounters. Rather, human beings are like complex paintings that vary depending on which angle you are viewing them from. If you are looking at a person from only one angle and not liking them in a romantic sense then perhaps you should view them from a different angle altogether. Maybe you are single because you are looking at the paintings as one big whole versus seeing that each one is different; each one was (though similar) has an entirely different story to tell.

Though I continue to lurk the streets with an ancient phone that was known as the Motorola Razr (still working the same as the day I got it on a cold winter night in 07') I am not anti-technology. If anything I find it amazing that my aunt in Russia can ask me why I am not married on the phone and while skyping with me online. But what if our seemingly progressive, Sparksnotes, overwhelming availability in technology, clothing, fast food and what to do on a Friday night has bred a generation of overly entitled beings; fixated on receiving what they want, whenever they want; never happy with the now and are ready to upgrade at a moments notice. We are the society of the privileged who have transferred the fast food “I want what I want, when I want it” mentality to when we are choosing partners.

The same can be said with the frequency we upgrade our electronic carry on bibles also known as our cellphones. Have we also transferred the bigger, better, faster phone upgrade system to human beings? Do you shut someone down at the first moment of them running low on battery? Are you walking around with an iPhone 6 Plus (which you lined up all night to get by the way) but are now dreaming of the iPhone 7? 

If you accept the belief that every single person comes with their own luggage of unpleasantries and has a laundry list of shit they need to work on then you just might find somebody. If you accept the idea that you may just be happier with Motorola Razr then you may find somebody. If you continue to be the person looking for a very specific type then you are not allowing your own dating life to flow; for her or him to come to you naturally. When you accept the idea that your strongest connection may come with somebody who you least suspected, everything might then change. If you are looking for somebody who will never be needy, jealous, is always in a good mood and looks exactly the way they do in their Instagram, then you might just be alone forever. You and your iPhone going through Tinder while a real human being is eyeing you from across the bar. 

The truth is every girl and guy is kinda a hassle, will irritate you and make you second guess whether you should be with them. The beauty however is finding somebody you have a connection with in spite of that. Human beings are not like your phones- they are not always available, sometimes they are slow (even when fully charged) and sometimes they are not shiny and new (much like your phone on the first day you took it out of the box) but rather have markings of wear and tear. Some are even cracked from previous misuse. If you are chasing perfection and feeling entitled to it or worse are always have your settings set on upgrade then you might not allow yourself from ever having anything real and something that exists outside of the screen.

Is the truest love and the most sincere friendship when you are young? The seemingly misfortune of growing up and the shaming of the emotional.

One of the oddest things I had felt in a long time was sitting in the same proximity as someone I used to share meals with, share laughs with and at one time, shared my heart with and not say more than one word. A friendly hello and not utter anything more for the reminder of the train ride from Davisville to Lawrence. Awkward glances in the midst of the both of us looking busy (her on her phone, me going over my daily planner) but nothing more. Not a single word or glance after the initial hello. My pride does not want me to admit this but since we are all friends here I will: I came home that night and I cried. I cried because there I sat on a crowded train four feet away (it felt like miles) from someone I once talked about moving to Vancouver with and now we were strangers. I cried because I thought of all the people in my life I had known, shared my life with and drifted apart from. I cried because it became abundantly clear, now more than ever, that I would never be okay with saying goodbye to people but above all, I cried because in that moment I felt like I would forever be the person feeling the most, over-thinking the most and ultimately, hurting the most.

Did my former friend come home and think of me and get sad as well? Did our awkward run-in spark her own blog post? I doubt it. If you are a regular reader then you know that I have a hard time saying goodbye to people. Not because I can’t but because I never truly want to. The way I have always seen it, once someone is in your hurt, aren’t they always? Once you care about someone, don’t you always? Once someone touches your heart, then shouldn’t they always? Is that too idealistic? Does that not hold people accountable for their misuse of you? Maybe but to me real friendship, real love is ongoing; for better or for worse, through the thick and thickest. Isn’t that the real definition of loyalty? To not give up on a person even when you want to, even when you should?

Of course there are certain situations that require you to walk away from somebody for your emotional or physical safety but the kind of world where two former good girlfriends can sit in a public place, a few feet away from each other, and not engage in conversation is not the kind of world I want to live in. Above all, it’s not the kind of world I think I can live in. How can someone like me live in a poker face encouraged society when I am the embodiment of heart on my sleeve?

Though I sat on that train looking busy I did want to engage in conversation. I did want to give her a hug and ask her what was new in her life. I did want to ask how we got to this place to begin with. How did we go from two girlfriends out on the town on College St. to strangers on a train? How did we go from nibbling and sharing from each other's pasta dishes to this? Neither of us approached the other so maybe I am not such a bad poker player after all. We just sat there, quietly, silently; politely minding our own business.

On that note, one of the biggest contrasts I have witnessed as I get older is the way people deal with drifting apart and fall outs. Admit it, when you were younger fights were more viscous but that is because you loved deeper and cared more. To be close friends when you were young meant you went to bat for each other any chance you got. Quietly drifting apart or being passive aggressive seldom happened. As you got older, one’s tactics for letting go or de-friending became less aggressive; quieter but also harsher.  I couldn’t imagine being a teenager, seeing a former friend on the train and the both of us acting like we were strangers. There would be no poker faces, only hurt hearts and possible tears.

I’m not sure if this is regression or spiritual evolution of the human self to be more diplomatic and less emotional. Maybe a little of both but the way I have always seen it, the most emotional person is the most honest person. What has happened that we have all become less emotional and thus less honest? I wasn’t emotionally open on that train ride and thus I wasn’t honest. I wasn’t honest with her or myself because the truth is I did want to reach out and reconnect but the overwhelming demand from the world to be less emotionally transparent stopped me. That little thing called pride was also a factor. “She wants to talk to me, let her approach me” I thought to myself.

On that note, why do we usually back off or suggest somebody to “relax, calm down” or shut them down on the spot when they are about to erupt with emotion? Is it because we keep our own emotions bottled up? Are our own emotions  so beneath the surface, drowning gasping for air, suffocated by the world or not appreciated altogether, that we cant deal with others (however explosive they might be)?

Ask anybody who is a former recovering overly emotional or expressive person and they will tell you of all the times they were told they were too much emotion, not often diplomacy, too often heart, rarely logic. Perhaps you hear that enough and you withdraw altogether. That faucet you had that leaked raw emotion got torn out. In its place a superficial closet to store shiny things was built.

What has happened to the children and young adults who spoke so freely and honestly? Have they been punished for being too verbal and grew up to be guarded and non-expressive adults? When you think of the kind of head games and demands that people put on relationships and friendships, I often wonder where the purity and innocence of their former selves has left them? Is the inexperienced heart and the young love the purest one there is? Is the crying adult in the corner of the bar (as off-putting as it is) the realest one of them all? Is the person who expresses themselves as sincerely as possible and reaches out first (even when they shouldn’t) the most evolved out of all of us? 

Maybe that is the reason there are so many single and disconnected adults in the world. Perhaps they keep comparing every romantic potential they had to the one they had when they were young? Comparing mundane dates discussing work to the sweaty palms and heart raising lunches at McDonalds.  Maybe it’s rare to see two girlfriends who have been by each other’s side for over 10 years because as adults we stop striving for friendships and relationships that are thoroughly transparent. Those where we feel we can express ourselves to the fullest; however raw. 

Or maybe that is just a part of growing up and becoming a full- fledged adult and I need to accept that once and for all. That being thoroughly honest with your emotions is not appreciated nor is it welcomed. That’s what the world has shown me and thus I sat on that train looking busy, going through my planner, not being my emotional and honest self.

The Inclusion of Loneliness and the Importance of Kindness

I’ve met a lot of people in my life. All were different. Some, like me grew up in the suburbs of North York while others had never ventured out of the safe haven that is Scarborough. Some had energies that I gravitated towards instantly and felt at home with by the first drink we had together. Others I met, tried to forge friendships with but instead both of us started resembling two stubborn children trying to put together a puzzle piece in a picture that it wasn’t meant to fit in. We just couldn’t and thus went our separate ways, usually politely and gracefully. When we didn’t it was often because the puzzle piece at one point fit perfectly but eventually the picture still came undone. Shattered puzzle pieces around us, leaving politely and gracefully was no longer an option. Without getting sidetracked, yes, I’ve met a lot of people in my life and they all had one thing in common: they all spoke of being lonely and felt a sense of isolation from those around them. If only I had a beer ticket for every person I heard say the words, "I don't think I was born in the right time. I just don't feel right in the current world." 

Some were the obvious choices; the ones I saw at concerts usually by themselves (bobbing their heads thoughtfully and carefully as to not look bored but we both knew they were); those that scratched their heads when they were encouraged to actually approach the girl they creeped online and the ones who talked openly and honestly about feeling out of place. They knew they weren’t really a part of the social world but were merely observers looking in; surrounded by a very busy world they felt had forgot them altogether.They didn't view themselves as participants, merely observers looking in (bobbing heads and all).

Then there were the ones who were not as transparent; social creatures you saw out and about doing what they did best.  Like a pack of pretty pigeons they mingled on Queen West, took selfies everywhere and anywhere and did an online check-in before they were handed out menus. Creep their Facebook on any given Sunday and you will pics galore of them club hopping on Friday and various plates they tried at restos on Saturday. They were the people you hit unfollow to because their party pictures made you feel like going out when you knew you couldn’t. They were the ones responsible for the increasing epidemic categorized as deactivating your Facebook. And yet on a rare occasion they would reveal something personal and surprising. A secret insecurity festered inside them. A loneliness consumed them and even within a big group, mingling and being their pretty pigeon selves, they felt alone. They needed the place to loud and dark; only then were they able to silence the little voice that still told them that nobody really liked.

It’s quite ironic when you think of it; feeling alone and yet never physically being alone. Think about it, when was the last time you were left alone for a good 20 minutes at work? When didn't someone come barging in asking to borrow something? We are constantly surrounded by people and yet the belief that you are alone is still as prevalent as always and that's because you are alone. We all are. 

If you think this post will be a step by step guide on how to overcome loneliness, save yourself some time and look elsewhere. What I have come to realize is that loneliness is an inherent part of being human. You will always be lonely. You might feel lonely after you come home from a packed show at the Opera House. You will feel sometimes feel lonely laying next to a good partner and you might just find yourself getting ready to raise a glass to wish your best friend a happy birthday, stopping for a moment, looking around a crowded room with familiar faces and feeling entirely alone. Who are these people? Do I truly know any of them? Just some of things you might ask yourself.

The beauty however is that the disconnection we feel is the common denominator that connects us. To be human is to belong to the inclusion of feeling lonely. Why am I shedding light on the seemingly defeating idea that we are all lonely? For starters, most of us feel as if there is something inherently wrong with us in that we feel lonely. Why can't I be like those mingling pretty pigeons on Queen West, you will ask yourself. The jokes on you though because they are just as lonely are you are because to be human is to be lonely. To be honest is to be lonely and to accept that one will never feel entirely and thoroughly connected to anything or anyone. 

The second reason for this post is to debunk the myth that being more social results in feeling less lonely. Sometimes the opposite effect will occur and you will feel more disconnected and out of place as you get busier and more social. Besides, the more people you meet the more your character and values are challenged. This will sting if you are not as strong as you think you are (most of us aren’t), being social will lose the allure it had when you first starting hitting going to ever Facebook event you were invited to. 

In your quest to meet people and be social, one of the most heartbreaking realizations will be that there are those that will go out of their way to make you feel more lonely. Why? Because they haven't come to terms with their own loneliness and act out due to it. Rather than have it be a commonality between the both of you, their own lack of consciousness towards such feelings might even make you a target and as a result you will withdraw and sink deeper into your loneliness. A vicious cycle continued by those who do not see that our loneliness connects us, rather than divides us.

To accept one’s loneliness is not to admit defeat or somehow decide to bow out from living within the world but rather it is to accept that we are all connected by the feeling of disconnection. The idea that we are alone exists because we are. Embrace it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ravish in it and let the idea that you truly only have yourself give you strength. The idea that you only have yourself is not a pessimistic one because it does not mean that there aren’t strong connections to be formed, true love to be discovered and heartfelt conversations to be had because the truth is there is. There is all of that but you will still feel alone.

So what does one do with this knowledge that we all feel disconnected from each other? If recent events have not worked as a catalyst to increase the use of kindness to towards each other then I hope your own feeling of loneliness will. Having an open heart and treating people with more care and consideration might come easier when you accept the idea that the disconnection you feel from the world, from your peers and from your own self, is the same burden that your enemies feel as well. Let your own pain and feelings of being forgotten drive you to create different experiences for others. It is so easy to just get lost in the loneliness and forget that it is the one thing that connects us all.

How to Survive the Holidays with Estranged Friends and Family/8 Ways to Deal with Conflict.

In a perfect world, somebody hurts us and apologizes for it or at the very least acknowledges our discomfort. In a perfect world our families would be the people who have been there for us the most and hurt us the least. Neither scenarios are the reality for many of us; dare I say most of us. In a perfect world conflict between two human beings would be minimal and we would use our time and energy on things that make our lives bigger and better; on things that are actually productive and useful to the world and others. Nevertheless, conflict with people close to us is something that we have all struggled with.  Throughout the year we may not notice the distance between certain people as much because we keep ourselves busy but during the holidays a sense of sadness can rush in and overcome you when you see your friends posting festive group photos while you are reposting a Grumpy Cat Santa meme. This is a step by step guide, a self talk if you will on how to survive the holidays and above all, how to be able to be around those who you have had conflict with. 

1. Reach out first and get dialogue going even when it is you who is owed the apology first.

If it is not yet evident from my past blogs, I’m a big advocate on talking things out. I’ve never understood people who delete and/or block on Facebook and break down communication altogether. The way I have always seen it, the faster we talk the faster we can possibly solve this or at the very least agree to a truce. What is the point of letting things build up over time? There isn’t any. The faster two people talk, the faster things can be resolved.

“Why do I have to be the one that steps up and reaches out?” you say. I hear you and your ego loud and clear, but think of it this way, some people will never be the first to reach out, even when they know deep down they ought to. Be the bigger person and lead by example. Communication is truly the best way to resolve things or at the very least can make you walk away from a situation knowing that you tried.

With that said, invite your estranged family members and even the friends who may have had conflict with to your New Years party and any other celebration you throw in the future.  Show the world and naysayers that you are above it all. Shock your "enemies" by showing them that you will not be part of the drama. Besides, letting things drag out and escalate is so 2014. 

2. Don’t sweep things under the rug.

Modern society is a living and breathing oxymoron if there ever was one. We encourage people to speak their mind but we also shame those that do it unapologetically. There are many times in my life I have heard the words “confrontational” and “shit disturber” towards those who were merely stating how they feel when something occurs they do not like. As individuals we should be allowed to confront those who we feel wronged us. If they feel bombarded or taken back- that’s their problem and should never be a reason to stay quiet. Besides, if your delivery is polite but stern they will hopefully see that you are not berating them but having a conversation, that’s it!

If you can, try to carry out communication one on one in a private atmosphere and if you can help it, refrain from letting anybody other than the person know how you feel. The whole, “he said, she said”, broken telephone thing is very real and the last thing you want is to have this person hear from various other parties that you are upset before you even confront them.

If you are about to attend a social gathering with someone you have conflict with, ask them to meet one on one beforehand to clear the air. Have you ever been to a party when you stood there talking to your friends and you could feel the tension sucking up all the positive and fun vibrations? I have and it’s not pleasant. For the sake of your host, yourself and other happy-go-lucky attendees, clear the air with someone you have conflict with that you know you will see repeatedly at various events. And if they decline you can at least acknowledge that certain things need to be ironed out and you are open to resolving it when they are. Either way, win-win.

3. Be assertive but don’t add fuel to the fire.

My first and second point discussed how important it is to communicate and state what it is that has upset you and caused conflict but it is also important to remember what critiques will undoubtedly start another argument.

I have a guy friend I have known for close to ten years and there are certain things that he has said over the last year that I have not cared for. I confronted him, we briefly discussed it and never spoke about again. Why is that certain topic off limits for him and I? Because discussing it further will only ignite the fire. Besides, we want to continue to know each other and in my mind, what has occurred is small fries on a friendship that has spanned an entire fun filled decade. I don’t ever advocate sweeping things under the rug but sometimes you just have to understand that you have said all you could and now just need to move on.

If you are still hell bent that your sister threw your favourite toy car that you asked all year for out of the balcony in a fit of rage 10 years, you are allowed to be  (she knew it was your favourite toy car!) but what use is it to bring it up now? When around those we have had conflict with it is highly important that we focus on the now or at the very least not so distant past. Going down a list of everything that has ever annoyed you will not solve anything but will leave the other person feeling as if there is no solving this. Pinpoint the top 3 things that have hurt you or rubbed you the wrong way and give them a chance to speak. No more than 3. If you have a list that has over 10 things that they have done that you have not liked (and titled just that) then you have ask yourself: is this even somebody I want to make up with? 

4. Don’t be dismissive.

There exists a very popular (new age) philosophy that I’ve never liked: “Don’t take anything personally.” Did you roll your eyes just now, I did. If you ask me, life lessons such as this one breeds a culture of zero responsibility, passivity for one’s action and dismissiveness.

Don’t get me wrong, I get the allure. To view everything as someone else’s problem is actually quite easy because you get to leave every situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

Admit that sometimes you do screw up and sometimes it truly is you and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?” the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way and enjoy the holidays with one less person hating you.

5. Try to understand where they are coming from and be accommodating.

This point is directly tied to not being dismissive. Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes is not an easy task because a) your ego has to be left at the door b) you may see yourself as the one in the wrong when being on the other side of the table and 3) you may have to do something uncomfortable to make things right.

Personally speaking, such actions are merely small gestures that one can do to repair a friendship or rebuild family relations. What does it cost one to fix things with someone they have wronged? Not much in my book but as I have learned, such is not the case for others.

When you have hurt someone over something that you deem as trivial, recognize that the same perhaps cannot be said to the person on the receiving end. What you view as a “no big deal” remark can take somebody back to a dark place or a memory that they have tried to heal from. Besides, if you know that something you say or do will cause someone discomfort or pain then why carry it out? We are all a product of our experiences and relationships and some of us have been through things you can’t imagine so at the very least you can act as if you do.

On that note, if you are trying to repair a friendship or family ties do something small but meaningful such as allowing them to choose where they would like to meet. If you are inviting someone to a holiday party you are on shaky ground with, go out on a limb and ask them what is their favourite appetizer or dessert. Gestures such as these work as metaphorical white flags to show the person that you are open to resolving things and ultimately, still care about them.

6. Agree to still be civil and polite.

I don’t care who you are or what you did to upset me but the minute I sink to your level, I have become just as wrong as you are. Remember that part I wrote about being above things, well, still treating someone who has hurt you with some level of respect is the number one way that a) you keep your integrity in tact b) you lead by example and c) your karma is secure. Every unpleasant situation needs that one patient person who will swallow some of their ego and continue to be the adult, even when they really want to be the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone.

Whenever I want to lose my cool and get psycho bitch on those I feel deserve it I remind myself something, “If I am cool, calm and collected, I can never be wrong.” Isn’t that a comforting thought- that even you are in an ugly situation you can still escape it with class and integrity. Besides, who the hell wants to be known as the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone?

7. Give things time and space.

If you know me personally then you know that I don’t like things to be dragged out longer than they should and like my resolutions like I like my Caesars- fast. If something unpleasant occurred to me on a Saturday, best believe that on a Monday and maybe even Sunday you will get a Facebook message or a phone call letting you know that I didn’t appreciate so and so. Many times people are responsive and will admit that they were either rude or unthoughtful without meaning to be but then of course there are those who feel bombarded at the slightest trace of confrontation and will hide, block, ignore and do anything to escape being confronted. Recognize when you are dealing with somebody who will not understand you today, most likely will not get you 2 weeks from now but quite possibly might see your point a year from now.

Not everybody lives life by the mantra of mutual respect or having the ability to communicate and you have to recognize that.

If you are at a social gathering and it is evident that the person who you have conflict with is feeling uncomfortable being near you, then give them the space they need. As I mentioned, in a perfect world we would all have the ability to talk things out like grown adults but such is not the case but respect that nevertheless.

8. Put your own happiness and peace of mind above everything else.

Something happened to me last month that served as a lesson of sorts. I was in Ottawa with work and somebody had said something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Not wanting to escalate the situation over the steak dinner we were all enjoying (or ruin my professional relationships with others), I said nothing to defend myself. I went up to my hotel room that night and felt less than. So much so that the next day I experienced tears while holed up in my hotel room while on a long distance phone call with my boyfriend thinking whether or not I’d be allowed to take an early flight back to Toronto. After I hung up the phone I did what always makes me feel better; I went down to the hotel lounge, ordered some food and sat there quietly isolated writing in my journal. I wrote about exactly how I felt. How alone I felt, how this exciting trip was being ruined by a careless comment by a unthoughtful person. The more feelings I expressed the angrier I became at my own self. I was angry that I was allowing my trip to get ruined and my heart become heavy. I thought: how is me allowing myself to succumb to my emotions fair to my own self? It's not. Why am I allowing conflict with another ruin my trip? I shouldn't.

Every single conflict infested situation gets to the level of emotion it does because you allow it to. I allowed myself to get bent out of shape due to that comment. I made myself stay in my hotel room while others from my work were sightseeing. I denied myself pleasure at that moment, not the person who hurt me.

In a conflict situation involving estranged family members and friends one must never forget that it is their own heart that they are hurting in the end if they succumb to the ugliness. Be above that, my dear friends. Put yourself first and do not allow anyone to rob you of your own happiness.

And for those wondering what I did after I ate my soup and closed my journal: I went upstairs, changed and joined the rest of my group at that night’s holiday party and even smiled at the person who had made the remark. Not because I was now fine with what they said but because at that moment I put my own happiness and peace of mind above everything else. The truth is, we are not all meant to be close friends. Appreciate those who are and determine who is not worth a lot of your personal investment but nevertheless a minimal level of mutual respect. 

Conflict with those we are friends with, those we see regularly and those we are bond by with genetics and blood is not pleasant but it rarely needs to get to the level of ugliness we allow it to. Resolve things for your own sake and enjoyment. Hold people accountable but understand that forgiveness and conflict resolution directly affects your own happiness and peace of mind.

Thought of you today and it wasn't the same...
Went by your/our old stomping grounds and it wasn't the same.

Recreating moments I had with you with someone else and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless special. 

Allowing myself to be completely open (mind, body, heart) the way I was with you and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless comforting. 

Hearing our song, receiving good news at work, celebrating Halloween without you. 
Needless to say it isn't the same...
but nevertheless more sweet than bitter.

Life without you...
It isn't the same but still precious.

On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why Most On Should Stay Off: Part 2

If distance makes the heart grow fonder then on-and-off again relationships are not as crazy as they seem. Relationships such as these often stand on the premise that distance and time apart adds to it and makes it stronger than it was before. It makes sense; time apart will allow both people to grow and learn lessons they can’t or would not while together but have you ever met a really unified couple who just celebrated some kind of a milestone anniversary? I have and very few have done the whole stop and start thing. Sure some were separated due to a new (dream) job in a different city or family obligations that involved them traveling but have most broken their union by their own will over and over again? No, they haven’t and most (truly) happy couples do not have a history of being on-and-off again.

In some twisted way, people in on-and-off again relationships have it good. Single when they want to be but at the back of their mind know that they have a naked frozen person in their fridge ready to be defrosted and ready to cuddle with them when the urge strikes (I’m using metaphors again, no need to be scared). Or maybe they only like relationships during the honeymoon phase (who doesn’t right?) and if you are currently in an on-and-off again relationship then you know how entincing the beginning is every time you both get back together. Maybe that’s the reason you are coming back- to keep having the honeymoon phase over and over…and over.

My previous post outlined the reasons of why most stay in stop-start relationships but I failed to mention one of the biggest reasons and that which is not being ready for the “real thing” (this definition varies from person to person). If we are truly honest with ourselves we will admit that we seldom are ready for that great big love that will change everything. Maybe you wanna play the field a little longer? Or maybe you are not ready to be with that amazing person because you yourself are not yet amazing (but getting there). And those of you saying, I’m in an on-and-off with somebody I want to end up with but am not emotionally and mentally ready for something serious, make no mistake, I hear ya. Let me be clear though, when we meet the real thing we cant let go, even if we wanted to. If you are saying goodbye to somebody all the time, you are not experiencing the real thing. The real thing wants to work on problems because it knows deep inside it doesn’t get better than this person and thus they keep trying. The real thing doesn't know how to watch you be with other people while itself is seeing what else is out there. The real thing cannot stop; once it hits starts, its on .

Forgive me for revealing my true sappy colors (its not my fault all Cancers are born highly romantic) but isn’t love not being able to be without each other? How can you possibly claim to love someone when you deliberately decide to be on off mode and see what else is out there? When you are in love with someone the thought of a break, even a productive one, does not seem plausible. So I ask: those who continually stop and start, do you keep coming back due to the comfort, stability, ego and loneliness factor? How can you claim to be in love when you choose others over that person?

From my experience, every single on-and-off tries to capture the magic they had in the beginning and almost every time they realize they cannot. How can you when you’ve both gone off to do your own thing with other people? Simply put, that purity you had in the beginning disintegrates with every consecutive break-up. Besides, how can either of you respect each other? Is it just me or is there something repelling about an indecisive person or worse, somebody who comes back to you when nobody else is around.

However, anybody who has ever had a similar relationship will admit that the first few encounters of getting back together are usually pretty special but that wears down when you have your first fight and realize that every reason that made you break up in the first place still exists. Like a filthy little mouse you thought you got rid of, you gasp at the realization that it still lives in your home and gets in through that itty-bitty little hole you forgot about. The cruel part is, once you plaster this one you realize there are others you never noticed. In the midst of you trying to close holes left and right while waking up to new ones, one of you will hopefully stop and say, "This isn't fun anymore."

Another interesting aspects to relationships is momentum. Momentum is important and should never be trivialized because like all things that have momentum, once you lose it, its sometimes gone forever. In on-and-off again relationships momentum becomes that thing you try to recapture every time you get back together and every time you realize, you cannot. I like to use the analogy of someone who has always received straight A’s. There is momentum of doing well and succeeding and that same student feels a push to keep going (even when they didn’t study the night before). The moment they throw their textbook out the window, fail to show up for that test and receive an F (aka where couples part) it is then that the momentum starts slowing down. Same goes with couples who stop-start. There is something special about never throwing in the towel, even when you want to.

Call it co-dependency or youthful idealism its time I grew out of but there is something incredibly romantic in believing that the sun will not rise without that special person by your side. It is that belief and fear of wanting to see the sun rise that will make you keep trying. How tragic it is to part, wake up expecting to be in full nocturnal delight and instead awaken to a brilliant yellow. “What?! It’s still there?” you say in a bewildered voice. You parted, the sun still shined and your life kept going. The realization that the sun will rise and your life will go on without that person is a tragic one on some level. Hurray, you can indeed live without them and that crippling fear of losing them leaves you. If you are not big on metaphors and are still trying to decipher this one then let me be blunt, be with someone who cannot live without you. The person who comes and goes as they pleases (usually when they are single again) can indeed live without you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have ever left. 

Need another comparison? Think of an on-and-off again relationship as some kind of a tangible object. Would you keep a faucet that worked some days and kept you thirsty the other days? Imagine how crazy you would get if you woke up everyday not knowing if your faucet was going to work and whether you were going to shower and drink water. Would you keep it? No, you wouldn’t. You would be first in line waiting to replace this stop-start appliance demanding for one that works. Of course with time it will act up and will require your attention but bottom line, your faucet should work and allow you to have nice, fresh water you can bath in and drink water from. 

What I am about to write may contradict everything I have written thus far but as I mentioned in my previous posts my own similar relationship lasted “a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years” and when its all said and done, do I wish I left the second year when it was obvious this probably wasn’t going to survive? No I don’t. I am grateful for those 4 years because I can sit here without tears in my eyes and a heart that is healed. This kind of closure usually exists when you stay until there is not a single bit of spark left; the room is entirely dark and there's nothing left here for you. You leave when you have learned everything you needed to and not a minute sooner. 

Sometimes when you let go of something prematurely (even when deep inside you knew it was wrong) you spend much time thinking of all you may have fixed. When you stay in an on-and-off again relationship till the very bitter end you can look back and honestly say, “I did everything I could” and that itself will be helpful when you will be closing that particular chapter and opening up a new one. However, it needs to be said that time is a precious commodity; perhaps the most precious thing we have. While you are with Ms./Mr.Wrong you are denying yourself to meet Ms./Mr. Right. The universe cant give you something you claim you already have. Have I confused you even more now? Deep inside we all know who is good for us and who we stay in spite of that due to our own insecurities and fears.

If you are reading this while in an on-and-off again relationship that you know deep inside you do not want to be in, let me disclose what it will feel like when you fire the doctor, pull the plug and forget the address of the hospital. You undoubtedly will feel pain but most of all you will feel fear.  Yes, its over. Your Plan B for a good time is no longer an option. Yes, you no longer have a guaranteed back up plan when you have a shitty first date. Embrace it because if this was something truly amazing, it wouldn’t be stopping and starting. That’s the sign of something that isn't amazing but rather mediocre at its best. Embrace the fact that once you end something that does not work you indirectly tell the universe, “Okay, I'm ready for something that does” and usually the universe listens. I would know. Simply put, with the lose of a stop-start relationship you open yourself up to a better working one.

In Part 1 of this post series, I compared on and off relationships to a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket that keeps you warm when you are cold but what if there is a warmer and fluffier blanket out there for you? Cant get that one until you cut ties with the other one though. But what if there isn’t one you say? Well, then you’ll have to learn how to be a big girl/boy and keep yourself warm.  There is no need to ever regret the lose of something because truly if it was working, it would be working.

On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why We Stay: Part 1.

If you know me personally you know that I do not give up on things easily. Blame it on my Russian and Armenian genes but passive and dismissive are words that have almost never been used to describe me. I’m a persistent girl, I’ll admit it and when things go to shit, I will spend every morsel of my being trying to undue the damage (even when I did not cause it). Brick by brick I make it a mission to put a proverbial broken unit back together if it kills me. Like I said, I don’t give up on things easily but this trait (whether I am cursed or blessed is still up for debate) has also transcended to my relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have never been one to give up on people when shown a side of somebody I did not like. In a fight or during somebody’s character relapse (you know that moment when you do or say something you do not mean and that which is not a representation of your real self) I will almost never get up, shake their hand, delete them off Facebook and be on my merry way. That’s just not me. The way I’ve always seen it, to truly accept and know somebody is to experience all of them; the good, the bad and the ugly (but of course within reason). I always knew I wasn’t a dismissive person but nothing made me realize it even more when I had my first (and hopefully last) on-and-off again relationship that lasted a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years. I say beautiful and miserable because if you have ever had an on-and-off again relationship then you know that when its good, its disgustingly blissful (call in sick 3 days in a row, the both of you haven’t seen sunlight in god knows how long kinda blissful) but when its bad you cringe at the thought of ever being in bed with them (even though subconsciously you know you will be). Simply put, in on-and-off again relationships, when it rains, it pours (buckets no less) but when it’s sunny, its fuckin’ blinding.

In an on-and-off again relationship, there are moments so precious, so surreal that you wonder how you could have spent the last 4 months or the 6 months last year or the 3 months the previous year without them. However, there are also moments so painful and so physically and mentally debilitating that your drive and lust for life become fragments of your former self. Yet, you still go back. Every year. Same time. Same place. In my on-and-off again relationship, sometimes things were so consecutive (break up, make up, break up, makeup, repeat) that the years blurred together and many moments felt like a twisted version of déjà vu. And yet why did I almost always go back? Why do we usually go back to a person that you promised all your friends that you got over and have no interest in whatsoever? In on-and-off again relationships you become a good liar, to your friends, your family but most of all, to yourself. The question remains: why do we continue to stay in them? What are the reasons responsible for us continuing to invest our time, our minds and our hearts into relationships that history has shown us are not built to last? I can’t speak for everyone but these were some of mine.

The Comfort/ “We have so much history together” Factor.

There's a certain comfort to being with an old friend that you just don’t have (yet) with a new one. The never awkward silence, how you can start every sentence with, "Oh my god, do you remember that time we..." and the closeness you feel when somebody has seen you at your worse and still likes you. Similarly, in on-and-off again relationships, though they are saturated in large amounts of unpleasantness that never truly leaves (thus why it continues to not work), within it a comfort and a history exists that can be appreciated and felt lacking when it is gone. Much like a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket, on-and-off again relationships keep you warm when you are cold. Nevermind that you leave feeling uncomfortable when it is off you.

The Stability/ “But we know each other so well”/ Factor.

In an unpredictable world such as ours, on-and-off again couples look to each other to be that stable aspect they may be lacking in other areas of their lives. When a first date with somebody goes wrong, you are the first they call. Why? They know you’ll pick up. When a new relationship fizzles out you find yourself conveniently in their neighbourhood. Why? You know they wont turn you away. But above all though, when you experience the pain and rejection associated with someone breaking up with you, they become that shoulder to cry on and eventually the lips that you will kiss. On-and-off again relationships are as unstable as they get but in a twisted way are consecutive and reliable. 

The Ego/ “I’ve already invested so much, I can’t have this fail” Factor.

I started off this piece stating how much I hate failing at things but I am not alone because every person who has ever had an on-and-off again relationship for a significant amount of time feels the same. With friends telling you you should have left months, even years ago and your family constantly rolling their eyes while blurting out, “Here we go again,” admit it, there is a part of you that wants to make this work to prove everyone wrong. You can make this work, no matter how many times you showed others the opposite, you say and a large part of not wanting to have this fail (again!) keeps you invested. The ego seldom can accept defeat, so do those to stay in on-and-off again relationships. 

The Loneliness/ “I don’t want to be alone” Factor.

If we are truly honest with ourselves we can all admit that everyone wants to be with someone. The problem with those who are in on-and-off again relationships is that the thought of not having anyone to spend a weekend with is enough to run back to anyone who will have them. Human beings are social creatures who are not biologically programmed to be alone. There's no shame in wanting company but most in stop-start relationships cannot fathom being single. To them such a categorization can actually translate to being unworthy of another.

When you are in an on-and-off again relationship there is always the availability of that person. You know that there is someone out there (nevermind that you haven't talked in months) that is thinking of you too and thus mustering up the strength to go on as a single man or woman seems like a option that you do not have to choose. Why would you? Though you deleted them off your phone and Facebook, you know you have their number memorized.