Ice Queen mode is in effect
Cool, stoic, unfazed
Flick of a button and a big heart has finally burst.
Too big for its frame, too big for the world.
Exploded, bleed out.
(Please excuse the blood on the walls)
Still looking for the girl you once knew? 
I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.
Moved out a couple weeks ago, didn’t take anything either.
I’ll tell her you called though. 

Intuition, Interpreting Intent and Other Survival Skills We Forgot About.

Do you know why most human beings fail at interactions, have more frenemies than real friends on their Facebook or are just floating through life not exactly knowing what the hell is going? Have you ever asked why some people view themselves as CEOs of their lives and others barely hold the entry position and dream of quitting? I've always believed that what sets apart those that are always in a jam, are always in the midst of a breakup or falling out or are routinely writing their next melodramatic Facebook post (have you ever noticed that most start off with, "I really don't like sharing my personal life here but..." is lack of intuition for the latter group.

In other words, we have not taken the time to master the art of being intuitive. We are whizes at texting while exporting that excel sheet you have been working on for the last hour for your boss (while simultaneously liking your friend's penguin kissing vid on Facebook). We are pros at deciding and voicing our opinion at which actor we think should have played Batman and lastly we have become experts in deciphering things that are pretty obvious and are right there in front of our eyes. For example, that person who snubbed and didn't even look your way as you gave them your famous smiley, "Hey doll!" Yeah they don't like you. But what about when things are not as transparent? What about those that are happy to see you but you constantly get bad vibes off? (Question: are vibes still a thing? Answer: Yes)

Speaking of which, I have always found myself attracted to the hotheads. Not because I feel they get my fiery, European "Everything is a big deal, people!" side but because I've always felt that if shit was ever gonna go down, they'd be the first to tell me. A hothead will look at you and probably tell you, "Okay, I'm gonna go off on you right now and this is why." The non-hot heads will play coy, pretend everything is good, routinely admit, "It's all good" (insert fake smiley emoticon) but deep inside you know it isn't. And yet that little voice that says it isn't we often silence. 

We have become so dependent on sheer actions that we silence whatever motherboard inside is trying to send the following message, "Stop, what you are seeing in front of you is not reality. Please act accordingly." We have become so focused on the physical and the tangible that we forgot that things are seldom as they appear. The tangible and the physical does not always represent the truth.   

Transcribing peoples' intent (not what they say or do but what they really want to say and do) is, in my opinion, the most important survival tactic that one can develop. What do people really mean? What do they really want from you? Are they actually happy to see you do well? Who actually smiles when you post something terrific that has just happened to you? Who actually suppresses that human inborn characteristic to feel bitterness and who tries to curb their natural urge to be competitive but is actually happy that you are happy?

We have forgotten to pay attention to not only the actions but what they didn't say; what they didn't do and take that all into account when deciding how to go about interacting with them. Honing your intuitive skills will allow you to notice the small things they didn't want you to notice; they didn't want you to see. Seeing through the facade, the many "likes", what lies beneath the vale, is how one will decrease their pain and make time for those that truly wish them the best. 

If you think that I am advocating for one to solely listen to what feels good, you are wrong. Being intuitive and listening to your heart are two different things. Sometimes the heart leads you to places that you do not belong in. The heart may put you in arms that are not meant to hold you and the heart may put you in situations that bruise your intuition and make you second guess yourself. Intuition, unlike the heart, is a mix of emotion and brain; its rooted in the balance of what feels right and what is right. If it were a parent, unlike the heart that loves you unconditionally and cant punish you when you cut curfew and act out, intuition sees all (the good, the bad and the anticipated actions to come) and decides the course of action using that criteria. Unlike the heart, that will make you stay when your brain has a thousand reasons to leave, intuition just inherently knows that it must leave. 

Being intuitive and seeing true intent is not something that WikiHow can teach you (pictures wont help either) but rather is inside every one of us at all times. The longer you spent your life silencing that little voice (it turned out to be not so little after all), the longer it will take for it to start speaking up again and helping you on your journey. Imagine if you were a kid sitting in the classroom (front row mind you) and you knew the answers to the questions but were silenced and told you were wrong every time you wanted to give your response. With that said, be patient if it takes some time for it to speak up again but it will. How can it not? It is there to be heard. Your intuitive voice is wiser than you will ever be. It sees more than you are ever able to and is there to guide us through life and make sure that the ones by your side are the ones that belong there and the places you are you are meant to be in at that point in time. 

Bonnie + Clyde

Real love is forever...
It does not hurt, it does not break, it does not retaliate.
If anything it loves harder and stronger than yesterday.

It may want to hurt back (if ever hurt) but it does not know how for it knows only to love.
Programmed that way and set on indefinitely.
Want to switch the button to nonchalant but never seem to be able to move it.

Even when the mind tells it to bow out, hit restart with someone else and hurt back, real love will only love...

Stronger, deeper, harder than it did before. 

It will love today,
It will love tomorrow
It will love forever...

The Immense Power of Personal Growth through Trivial Actions

 
When I was younger I used to say that love was the meaning of life. To have love, to be loved was why we are here. Nowadays as a wiser(ish) and more mature(ish) gal, I live by a slightly different mantra: growth is the meaning of life. To know more, to do more and ultimately to be more is the reason we are all here. In other words, experiencing mental and emotional growth is the most important thing in my current to-do list. I would say that I really started adapting this mantra in the last two years but I hadn’t yet fully implemented or rather seen it materialize in my physical actions as much as I did last week. What did I do that made me say, “Holy shit, I am experiencing growth.” Well, to be honest, I simply walked out of a movie midway with a half eaten bag of popcorn. Yes, trivial to you but immensely metaphorical to me. Let me explain.

I’m someone who always prided myself on staying and watching a movie in a theatre till the end; no matter how much I disliked it. I felt I owed this to the people who made it (one day Michael Bay will send me a personalized thank you note for watching Transformers 2 from start to finish), the awkward kid who served me my buttered popcorn but above all I felt I owed that to my own self. I always felt that I needed to stay until something was officially done, until the credits rolled, the house lights came on and the chatter began because that was the right thing to do. I actually would feel guilty if I ever wanted to leave before a movie finished because to me it somehow meant that I was becoming the type of person that I detested. You know, the type that walked out of situations the moment they were no longer having fun or enjoying themselves. I also used to think, “Well maybe the movie will somehow take a triumphant turn for the better and become one of my all time favourites.” Needless to say that never happened. Does it ever? Usually a movie I thought was not memorable or enjoyable in the beginning was not memorable or enjoyable till the end. 

To stay till the very end was my mantra but last week I changed that, I walked out of a movie because I simply was no longer enjoying what was projected in front of me. I was no longer stimulated or having fun and if you are no longer stimulated or having fun, what’s the point? Maybe the type of person I detested all these years (the leave when its no longer fun type) had it right all along and it was I who had it backwards? Not even the extra buttered popcorn I was gobbling on could take away my boredom. I thought to myself, “There are so many other things I could be doing right now” and that's when for the first time in my life I got up (slowly and quietly, no need to make a disturbance for those that liked watching grown women swoon and get giddy over oiled up male entertainers traveling in a frozen yogurt truck for one last hooray) and left. Yes, not even Channing Tatum could have changed my mind about staying.

I left Empress Walk that night feeling empowered and with a new approach to experiences and that is, if I am not enjoying my time somewhere, I will take myself out of it. Weird looks, judgment and a half eaten bag of popcorn be damned. Why? Because I only have one life and to spend it on activities that I am not enjoying is not how I wish to live it.

We’ve all stayed and watched movies we didn’t necessarily like (maybe it was a free movie, maybe you felt you owed it to the person you were watching it with or maybe you hated knowing that all eyes would be on you as you tiptoed down the barely lit steps) but to continually repeat the cycle of being in situations that do not feed you (mind, body and soul); to remain seated when you want to get up and run out; and to feel as if you should be at point H when you are at point B is not a life I think any of us deserve to live. 

It’s such a comforting thought to know that we have choices, is it not? You can choose who you would like spend your time with. You can choose whether you would like to see a movie solo or with a companion and you can choose whether to stay or leave anytime you want, whenever you want, wherever you are. Anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

I left a movie midway last week because I couldn’t spend another morsel of my healthy, productive and beautiful life not feeling as if I am exactly where I want to be. Growth is building, rebuilding, transforming and structuring your life in a way where you can close your eyes and are exactly where you want to be. And my apologies to the folks that actually liked Magic Mike XXL.

How to Give Yourself Closure in a Dismissive and Busy World.

If you have ever held a grudge, you know that doing so creates an electric shock barrier of sorts that makes you feel detached from those around you. The ones that do still come around risk being zapped the minute they touch you. You may not even notice when you are embroiled in Hurricane Anger but if you look back at your life and are completely honest I think you will admit that the times you were the most angriest is also the times you were the least liked. I know such is true for myself.

I’ve always compared carrying around anger similarly to wearing a really old smelly shirt that you think you look great in but everyone around walks away as soon as you enter the room. “Sorry gotta run, places to be, people to see” they will tell you even though both of you know that is a lie. And it is for that reason I have always looked at conflict resolution and heart-to-hearts as gifts of sorts that we give to each that make everyone in an unpleasant situation sleep just a little better (never mind that we also replace our old shirts with fresh ones). Have I lost you with that overly cliché last line? Hope not because at the root living with resentment and lack of closure is something I do not think anyone should live with. And yet how does one give themselves closure when the person is unwilling to talk or is not physically here to have that conversation with you.

As someone who had lost their father at a young age I’ve had many conversations with my dad through me imagining he was here with me listening to me or even through the action of a letter I pretended he would read one day. Though it may sound strange- writing a letter for a dead man, it never felt strange. After every one-on-one conversation with my father I felt lighter and though I knew he was not there in the physical to hear what I needed him to hear, I always walked away feeling better.

It is that kind of dialogue that does not necessarily need the existence of the other person that I would like to suggest to those who are looking for closure and not receiving it.

I want you to lock yourself in a room, pretend the other person is there and say everything you need them to hear. It is important to note that the “response” is not what matters because in this case there will not be a response of sorts (though sometimes I do imagine what my father would say to me in return) and that’s okay because closure is for yourself. Closure, at the root, is about you, not the other person and so one does not necessarily need them in order to get it.

If anything, you may appreciate the action of having a “pretend” conversation where you express everything you need.

1. Time constraints is not an issue.

I don’t know about you but I am sort of infamous for going on and on (I blame my stellar verbal skills) and at times I have been told “Ok, I get it, you can stop now” and though I understand where they are coming from, I still feel I have more to say to them; more of what I need them to hear from me in order to move in. In a situation where you pretend the other person is with you, there is no risk or being cut off as the conversation exists for as long as you need it too. You are there to talk as long as you’d like without fear of being told to stop talking.

2. Living or dead, you still get to say how you feel.

One of the many unfortunate things about having someone die is the living person going on with their life knowing that they would never again have a face to face and say the things they wanted to. That is completely false. As I mentioned I have conversations with my father all the time and though you might think that it does no good to talk to a dead man, let me tell you, that it does. Relationships and bonds transcend the physical and so just because someone is not here in the physical why should you pretend they are not here at all? If you have someone in your life that you feel you owe an apology to that is no longer here, take some time, pretend they are with you and tell them everything you need to. It will help, trust me on that one.

3. No one will interrupt or confuse you.

Have you ever had the perfect speech in your head and then have it all go to hell because the other person brought up something completely unrelated or somehow used manipulation tactics? In a conversation involving only yourself there is no risk of being interrupted, getting the subject derailed or having your mind go blank after hearing something that triggers an emotional reaction and everything that you prepared to say is now overshadowed by either confusion or anger. Lack of closure also occurs when a conversation had taken place but you talked about something unrelated or you felt as if everything you brought up was met with resistance and more questions.

The misleading aspect regarding closure is that you need at least two people to make it happen. That is not true as closure can be found in writing letters to someone who may or may not receive them and continuing to have conversations even when the other person is not there physically.

So tonight, sit that person down metaphorically and express everything you need to. It may take some getting used to but believe me the action of hearing words out loud that have been in your head and heart for perhaps years is a tremendous feeling. The actual verbal expression of things you need to say is what will give you closure. Never mind that the person is not there to actually hear them because closure is first and foremost for yourself.  Besides, you said your peace, you put the words out in the universe and so why is that not enough?

Sometimes closure is realizing that there is no resolution, no happy ending that mends a friendship or relationship but that itself is closure. We all have people in our past and present who owe us apologies, who coincidentally we may also owe apologies to and that is why conversations- even with our own selves- are so important. All the power you need to feel different is within you. Never mind those who hurt us for no good reason and never even came back to see the damage they caused. You are your own personal paramedics.

If you have ever taken anything away from my writing I hope it is that you must always say how you feel and in this case even if the other person is nowhere to be found. Closure takes an investment in precious time, energy and emotion as you are forced to hear the other person to the fullest. Sometimes we are not given any of those things but that does not mean we cannot give ourselves the gift of closure. And what a gift it is. 

Untitled

Want that feeling back.
You know that one you have once and never forget and continue to long for.

You know that one that makes you forget about to do lists and errands.
The one that makes you stay in bed all day on a work day and feel zero guilt. 

That feeling that rivals every other one.
The one you gave me...

You said, "lightning does not strike twice" but it has to.
That feeling, I need it...

The Art of Breaking-up With Someone Not Like an Asshole

Whether you are on the one cultivating the break-up or the poor sap on the receiving end of a cold dish they didn’t order called, “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” ("No sir, you can't send it back and order something else), I hate to point out the obvious but break-ups are not fun (like 8 hours of listening to the Crash Test Dummies not fun). First, there’s the possibility that this person you once called every night to say goodnight may not want to continue to just be your friend and will leave your life permanently. You’ll call them on their birthday, hoping that enough time has passed by and you two can at least be friendly but they won’t want to talk to you because to them you are still the same person who wanted to no longer sleep with them. Will you ever find another person who got every single Seinfeld reference you ever made? Maybe not but if you are going to break-up anyways here’s how to do it gracefully and kindly.

1. Don’t do anything that resembles cheating before you officially go your separate ways and a conversation had taken place.

The truth is, most people start emotionally detaching themselves from a relationship they are no longer happy in long before the break-up talk is had. As harmless and justified as online flirting (aka non physical cheating) seems while you are with someone you do not wish to be with anymore, it is not harmless nor is it a cool thing to do to your soon to be ex. For your own karma and sense of integrity, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you while still together, no matter how unhappy you are. It’s easy to seek the fun and ease you once had with your partner in the beginning but look for that after you officially break-up and go your separate ways. Pursue and/or be pursued when the other person knows that you two are officially done. It’s easier that way for everyone involved and if you really want to show that you are a person of quality, do not have someone lined up right after. Show yourself that you can be single and can mourn the end of a relationship in a way that is respectful to your ex, even if it you who is doing the breaking up. You just said goodbye to someone you spent 8 months with and though you know its the best decision long term, it will hurt and so let it hurt. Feel the pain, remember the good times and take some time to truly understand who you are and what you need.

2. Writing your thoughts out in an email or text is fine as a prelude but some face-to-face interaction should come as well.

We invite each other to our birthdays via Facebook, we express affection through emoticons we put in text and so why cant one start the break-up conversation via text or email as well? Now before you label every person who sent a break-up text as cold-hearted and/or cowardly, try to understand where they are coming from. Writing everything concisely and accurately in email or text allows one to express themselves clearly and firmly. You also give the other person a private moment to collect their thoughts, maybe shed a few tears and curse your name in vain without you being there (for both of your sake). After the email or text, you should see each other (granted they want to see you) and have an honest face-to-face conversation with the person already prepared and knowing your intentions.

Too many times I have heard people derail a break-up conversation because the other person got too emotional or somehow manipulated them to stay. With written words it is easier to convey and stay firm in what you are expressing. The truth is, you want out and chances are they probably already know it.

3. Make sure the first person you tell that the break-up is on the horizon is the actual person you want to break up with. 

It’s good to have friends that you are open with but I have always found it astounding how people talk more about their relationship problems with others than they do with their own partners. Do not tell your group of friends (or worse, mutual friends) that you two are headed for the end. Yes, its tempting to want to seek sympathy and get other people's opinion but give your ex and the relationship the privacy it deserves. Nothing is worse than seeing a mutual friend and them revealing all the problems you had with your ex they never revealed to you. The only people who should be involved in a break-up conversation are the two people who shared a bed together. Everybody else becomes this uninvited third wheel that makes everything awkward.Ever had a third person lay in your bed, believe me, its awkward.

4. Be gentle, patient and if your own strength allows, even a bit selfless.

I view break-ups in a very “what is meant for me is solely for me and will come for me” laissez-faire, new-age kinda way (you just rolled your eyes, I know). Simply put, I have the ability and emotional growth to still stay friends or at the very least be friendly with an ex (even if the poor bastard dumped me) but others may not and you need to accept that. Be kind when they throw something viscous your way and try to understand that their anger is just undealt pain and rejection. Be patient and know that they may not want to talk to you in a few days or in some cases a few decades. Be selfless in that you may need to curb the urge to reach out to them when you miss them because not talking to you is the best thing for them right now. Having someone you cared about leave you hurts. Respect and sympathize that their own growth, stability and mental health means that you two may never hang out again, no matter how well your intentions are.

5. Walk away with no regrets.

I’m not sure about all of you but I have never rejected someone I didn’t want back again at some point in time but I refuse to focus on the seemingly missed opportunity and instead choose to focus on the fact that something made me turn a corner in my relationship. Something made me doubt this person’s ability to love me and treat me the way I feel I needed to be. Something made me imagine my life without them and images of my life with them brought me worry. Something made me think that this wasn’t it for me and thus I let go. Trust your own instincts, silly premonitions (they aren't so silly after all, are they?) and believe that you know who can make you happy and who cannot.

If you are the one being broken up with, I feel for you. If you are the one doing the breaking up, I feel for you as well. We all deserve to be happy with someone who brings out the best in us. Break up with someone and take breaking up in a way that shows that you have integrity. Allow yourself to feel the pain but remember that the definition of real love is when you wish happiness for that person even if you are not part of the equation. Anything less than that just makes you an asshole, bro.