On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why We Stay: Part 1.

If you know me personally you know that I do not give up on things easily. Blame it on my Russian and Armenian genes but passive and dismissive are words that have almost never been used to describe me. I’m a persistent girl, I’ll admit it and when things go to shit, I will spend every morsel of my being trying to undue the damage (even when I did not cause it). Brick by brick I make it a mission to put a proverbial broken unit back together if it kills me. Like I said, I don’t give up on things easily but this trait (whether I am cursed or blessed is still up for debate) has also transcended to my relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have never been one to give up on people when shown a side of somebody I did not like. In a fight or during somebody’s character relapse (you know that moment when you do or say something you do not mean and that which is not a representation of your real self) I will almost never get up, shake their hand, delete them off Facebook and be on my merry way. That’s just not me. The way I’ve always seen it, to truly accept and know somebody is to experience all of them; the good, the bad and the ugly (but of course within reason). I always knew I wasn’t a dismissive person but nothing made me realize it even more when I had my first (and hopefully last) on-and-off again relationship that lasted a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years. I say beautiful and miserable because if you have ever had an on-and-off again relationship then you know that when its good, its disgustingly blissful (call in sick 3 days in a row, the both of you haven’t seen sunlight in god knows how long kinda blissful) but when its bad you cringe at the thought of ever being in bed with them (even though subconsciously you know you will be). Simply put, in on-and-off again relationships, when it rains, it pours (buckets no less) but when it’s sunny, its fuckin’ blinding.

In an on-and-off again relationship, there are moments so precious, so surreal that you wonder how you could have spent the last 4 months or the 6 months last year or the 3 months the previous year without them. However, there are also moments so painful and so physically and mentally debilitating that your drive and lust for life become fragments of your former self. Yet, you still go back. Every year. Same time. Same place. In my on-and-off again relationship, sometimes things were so consecutive (break up, make up, break up, makeup, repeat) that the years blurred together and many moments felt like a twisted version of déjà vu. And yet why did I almost always go back? Why do we usually go back to a person that you promised all your friends that you got over and have no interest in whatsoever? In on-and-off again relationships you become a good liar, to your friends, your family but most of all, to yourself. The question remains: why do we continue to stay in them? What are the reasons responsible for us continuing to invest our time, our minds and our hearts into relationships that history has shown us are not built to last? I can’t speak for everyone but these were some of mine.

The Comfort/ “We have so much history together” Factor.

There's a certain comfort to being with an old friend that you just don’t have (yet) with a new one. The never awkward silence, how you can start every sentence with, "Oh my god, do you remember that time we..." and the closeness you feel when somebody has seen you at your worse and still likes you. Similarly, in on-and-off again relationships, though they are saturated in large amounts of unpleasantness that never truly leaves (thus why it continues to not work), within it a comfort and a history exists that can be appreciated and felt lacking when it is gone. Much like a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket, on-and-off again relationships keep you warm when you are cold. Nevermind that you leave feeling uncomfortable when it is off you.

The Stability/ “But we know each other so well”/ Factor.

In an unpredictable world such as ours, on-and-off again couples look to each other to be that stable aspect they may be lacking in other areas of their lives. When a first date with somebody goes wrong, you are the first they call. Why? They know you’ll pick up. When a new relationship fizzles out you find yourself conveniently in their neighbourhood. Why? You know they wont turn you away. But above all though, when you experience the pain and rejection associated with someone breaking up with you, they become that shoulder to cry on and eventually the lips that you will kiss. On-and-off again relationships are as unstable as they get but in a twisted way are consecutive and reliable. 

The Ego/ “I’ve already invested so much, I can’t have this fail” Factor.

I started off this piece stating how much I hate failing at things but I am not alone because every person who has ever had an on-and-off again relationship for a significant amount of time feels the same. With friends telling you you should have left months, even years ago and your family constantly rolling their eyes while blurting out, “Here we go again,” admit it, there is a part of you that wants to make this work to prove everyone wrong. You can make this work, no matter how many times you showed others the opposite, you say and a large part of not wanting to have this fail (again!) keeps you invested. The ego seldom can accept defeat, so do those to stay in on-and-off again relationships. 

The Loneliness/ “I don’t want to be alone” Factor.

If we are truly honest with ourselves we can all admit that everyone wants to be with someone. The problem with those who are in on-and-off again relationships is that the thought of not having anyone to spend a weekend with is enough to run back to anyone who will have them. Human beings are social creatures who are not biologically programmed to be alone. There's no shame in wanting company but most in stop-start relationships cannot fathom being single. To them such a categorization can actually translate to being unworthy of another.

When you are in an on-and-off again relationship there is always the availability of that person. You know that there is someone out there (nevermind that you haven't talked in months) that is thinking of you too and thus mustering up the strength to go on as a single man or woman seems like a option that you do not have to choose. Why would you? Though you deleted them off your phone and Facebook, you know you have their number memorized.

The Misguidance and Misconception of Isolation: Revelations from a Former Loner: Part 2.

When I used to refer to myself as a loner it was usually done with the kind of self-righteous that would make Charlie Sheen look humble. I took pride in my all night walks to Port Credit or as my mom called them, my one woman march to no specified destination for no particular cause that will hopefully not see me end up in the bottom of Humber River one day. I boosted how I’ve dined alone on a Friday night at a busy restaurant with confused looks from couples on dates sitting across from me. I bragged how I walked in by myself (buttered popcorn in one hand, fountain drink- no ice- in the other) in a packed movie theatre on opening night. But above all, I looked down on those I never saw outside large social circles and the comfort of their so called clique. What kind of a person has never spent an entire weekend by themselves with their phone on silent? Who would want to spend their weekend on a social kick?  Nah, I was above that. Those who never experienced being alone with their thoughts, by themselves and above all, away from everyone else made me question their sanity. 

To anyone who even seemed remotely interested in my loner tendencies I described how absolutely beautiful it was to simply enjoy your own company for days on end. I was so convincing that I even made my own self believe that the clarity of quietness and stillness found in loner activities could rival any bar hop or glitz of a packed club. But above all, I carried the belief that the lone wolf was more intellectually, spiritually and emotionally evolved than the social butterfly. A bold doctrine to live by, I know, but how often do we tell ourselves things to give our own lifestyle and choices that much more validity. Alcoholics tell themselves they can have a drink, people in committed relationships with a wandering eye simply deem themselves as friendly and when we are wrong we will almost always think that we are right (hello perpetual ego, how are you?) I truly believed that choosing to sit in on a Friday night reading Michel Foucault while others were socializing over drinks made me belong to some kind of superior group of individuals. The way I saw it, to choose one’s company versus being with others was strength. Coincidentally, choosing the opposite, I believed, was weakness.

Make no mistake though, when the time called for it I still was able to turn myself on social mode with the best of them. At birthday parties I made small talk, on a first date I never had awkward silence and when a Facebook chat opportunity with my crush presented itself, I almost always knew what to say. I knew how to be a social butterfly when I needed to but a lone wolf was my inherent identity and that which I felt the most comfortable with (key word comfortable).

A couple years ago I saw a Facebook birthday party picture where many of my friends were tagged in. As I looked at a plethora of happy faces I once knew so well a sense of sadness came over me. Why did I miss this? What was I doing that night that I deemed more important than celebrating a friend’s birthday (you only get one once a year)? The most important question however came when I asked myself: was I really happy as this independent lone rider or was there more to it? There was. There usually always is.

The more self analysis I conducted the more correlations I started noticing. My loner tendencies starting coming into effect when I stated experiencing painful situations. My habit of spending weekends by myself started after I learned what a painful break-up meant, how a a bitter fail out with a good friend felt and ultimately, how hurtful it was/is to feel rejection and nonacceptance from those you want to belong to. Gasp! My loner tendencies were born out of pain and disappointment , not some mythical need for independence and insatiable need to be with myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my assumption of superiority within the identity of the loner in comparison to the social butterfly was neither accurate nor entirely honest. Perhaps I had it all wrong; maybe it is the social butterfly who is more vibrant, confident and quicker on their feet than the independent and seemingly stronger lone wolf? 

When you think about it, it is the social butterfly that has a sharper ability to adapt to different social environments, various (at times conflicting) personalities and ultimately resolve conflict. Why? They deal with such on a regular basis due to their continual experience with different personalities, various social settings and everything else that involves being in a new place with different people. The social butterfly lives in a world where they are constantly liked, not liked, judged, accepted, questioned, challenged, invited, not invited, hugged, snubbed. Simply put, the more social person faces different unpredictable elements while in a social setting, the non-social person does not. The non-social person chooses to be alone and as a result usually gravitates towards the familiar and that which they are already comfortable with. Very seldom does the lone wolf's ego push them in a situation they are not familiar with and with people who may not accept them. Its easier to do the opposite, the ego says and they follow suit.

The social butterfly however actually lives in the world; ventures in it, gets embroiled in all of its beauty and ugliness, strong enough to endure all, patient enough to deal with the latter to eventually get to the former. The lone wolf spends its time in familiar places judging from afar. The social butterfly meets, it interacts, it loves, it hates and through those actions it constantly puts itself out there. The lone wolf rarely does any of that; insecure and afraid of judgment, rejection and falling face first in a crowded room. Their (fragile) ego cannot comprehend the idea that if they do fall face first in a crowded room, they will get up, laugh at themselves, order another drink and can actually go on enjoying the rest of the night along with everyone else. The lone wolf would rather sit in its proverbial and literal cannon; hidden, safe, reclusive. It remains at an arms distance from the world and those who live in it. Too hesitant (painful experience has shown it it should be) to leave the familiar place and identity it finds in this self categorization. If the loner is no longer the self described loner than who are they? To be anything else involves being outside of that identity and to search for a new one.

The non-social person does not consecutively deal with rejection and the unknown as it most often remains safe in the proverbial bubble that it has created for itself. The need for friends? What friends when I can read a book that will reiterate all that I already think? Romantic relationships? Hmm, there's a chance for rejection so I’m not sure if its worth it for me. Large discussion groups? But that means I might get questioned and heaven forbid realize that a certain ideology I hold so dear may not actually be valid.

In terms of learning and growth, in my most extreme loner phases I lived by the doctrine that I am my greatest teacher; there is nothing somebody can teach me that I cant somehow learn on my own. The truth is, to live a life where you continue to be your own sole teacher is like repeating a class you already passed but keep on taking anyways. Yes, you ace it and your ego feels fulfilled due to that but are you really learning anything new? In other words, there is only so much you can learn from your own self. Real growth is constantly and deliberately putting yourself in new situations and testing the waters of that which you like and do not like. How can you know who you are if your sole teacher and point of judgment is your own self? Throw yourself into the harsh tide of judgment and see how you do, lone wolf. If you are as strong as you think you are then you'll be fine, right? Right? 

If you are still confused as to how I see myself, let me be blunt. Yes, most of my blogs have been written in isolation but all have also been inspired by those I have met, grew to know and had experiences with. And yes, I still like my days where I can get lost in Port Credit writing away in my journal with my Motorola Razr on silent but I’ve stopped denying the fact that life’s beauty is found within company and relationships with others. You are allowed, no you are encouraged, to find pleasure within your own self but if you are constantly rejecting the opportunity to interact, meet new people and strengthen friendships, it is then that self assessment needs to become a priority. As a former loner, I can tell you that I have had some amazing days by myself but they were never as fulfilling as those I experienced with another. Some of the most important lessons you will learn through your experiences (both disgustingly painful and deliciously blissful) with others. 

In my loner days I was so impressed with my ability to go on for days without needing to talk to anyone that I failed to see all the beautiful things I was denying myself. I was not better off as a loner. I am better off around people I admire, I respect and can learn from. Even in groups where there is a lack of those things that itself can be both rewarding and critical as it makes you realize what kind of a person you do not want to be, who you do not want to be with. 

If you are reading this as a self-proclaimed lone wolf much of what I have written may have annoyed; how dare I call you unconsciously fearful of others? Where do I get off debunking your perceived assumption that the social butterfly is a fake entity that is constantly wearing a face mask at a social masquerade while the lone wolf is the truest of them all? Much like I did, deep inside you know that this need for an overwhelming “me time” is a choice you are making out of insecurity. Do not allow yourself to be misguided by isolation and romanticized by the idea of a table for one. As someone who has had enough table for ones to last a lifetime, let me state how fulfilling it is to share your heart and mind with a human being over a pesto pollo for one. Do not deny yourself the pleasure of being with others. Do not become withdrawn and when you find yourself hitting “Not Going” to a Facebook event that looks like fun for no reason whatsoever, look within yourself and deal with that which you have not yet. Life’s (best) moments are meant to be shared, not taken selfishly and cowardly only for yourself.