On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why We Stay: Part 1.

If you know me personally you know that I do not give up on things easily. Blame it on my Russian and Armenian genes but passive and dismissive are words that have almost never been used to describe me. I’m a persistent girl, I’ll admit it and when things go to shit, I will spend every morsel of my being trying to undue the damage (even when I did not cause it). Brick by brick I make it a mission to put a proverbial broken unit back together if it kills me. Like I said, I don’t give up on things easily but this trait (whether I am cursed or blessed is still up for debate) has also transcended to my relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have never been one to give up on people when shown a side of somebody I did not like. In a fight or during somebody’s character relapse (you know that moment when you do or say something you do not mean and that which is not a representation of your real self) I will almost never get up, shake their hand, delete them off Facebook and be on my merry way. That’s just not me. The way I’ve always seen it, to truly accept and know somebody is to experience all of them; the good, the bad and the ugly (but of course within reason). I always knew I wasn’t a dismissive person but nothing made me realize it even more when I had my first (and hopefully last) on-and-off again relationship that lasted a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years. I say beautiful and miserable because if you have ever had an on-and-off again relationship then you know that when its good, its disgustingly blissful (call in sick 3 days in a row, the both of you haven’t seen sunlight in god knows how long kinda blissful) but when its bad you cringe at the thought of ever being in bed with them (even though subconsciously you know you will be). Simply put, in on-and-off again relationships, when it rains, it pours (buckets no less) but when it’s sunny, its fuckin’ blinding.

In an on-and-off again relationship, there are moments so precious, so surreal that you wonder how you could have spent the last 4 months or the 6 months last year or the 3 months the previous year without them. However, there are also moments so painful and so physically and mentally debilitating that your drive and lust for life become fragments of your former self. Yet, you still go back. Every year. Same time. Same place. In my on-and-off again relationship, sometimes things were so consecutive (break up, make up, break up, makeup, repeat) that the years blurred together and many moments felt like a twisted version of déjà vu. And yet why did I almost always go back? Why do we usually go back to a person that you promised all your friends that you got over and have no interest in whatsoever? In on-and-off again relationships you become a good liar, to your friends, your family but most of all, to yourself. The question remains: why do we continue to stay in them? What are the reasons responsible for us continuing to invest our time, our minds and our hearts into relationships that history has shown us are not built to last? I can’t speak for everyone but these were some of mine.

The Comfort/ “We have so much history together” Factor.

There's a certain comfort to being with an old friend that you just don’t have (yet) with a new one. The never awkward silence, how you can start every sentence with, "Oh my god, do you remember that time we..." and the closeness you feel when somebody has seen you at your worse and still likes you. Similarly, in on-and-off again relationships, though they are saturated in large amounts of unpleasantness that never truly leaves (thus why it continues to not work), within it a comfort and a history exists that can be appreciated and felt lacking when it is gone. Much like a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket, on-and-off again relationships keep you warm when you are cold. Nevermind that you leave feeling uncomfortable when it is off you.

The Stability/ “But we know each other so well”/ Factor.

In an unpredictable world such as ours, on-and-off again couples look to each other to be that stable aspect they may be lacking in other areas of their lives. When a first date with somebody goes wrong, you are the first they call. Why? They know you’ll pick up. When a new relationship fizzles out you find yourself conveniently in their neighbourhood. Why? You know they wont turn you away. But above all though, when you experience the pain and rejection associated with someone breaking up with you, they become that shoulder to cry on and eventually the lips that you will kiss. On-and-off again relationships are as unstable as they get but in a twisted way are consecutive and reliable. 

The Ego/ “I’ve already invested so much, I can’t have this fail” Factor.

I started off this piece stating how much I hate failing at things but I am not alone because every person who has ever had an on-and-off again relationship for a significant amount of time feels the same. With friends telling you you should have left months, even years ago and your family constantly rolling their eyes while blurting out, “Here we go again,” admit it, there is a part of you that wants to make this work to prove everyone wrong. You can make this work, no matter how many times you showed others the opposite, you say and a large part of not wanting to have this fail (again!) keeps you invested. The ego seldom can accept defeat, so do those to stay in on-and-off again relationships. 

The Loneliness/ “I don’t want to be alone” Factor.

If we are truly honest with ourselves we can all admit that everyone wants to be with someone. The problem with those who are in on-and-off again relationships is that the thought of not having anyone to spend a weekend with is enough to run back to anyone who will have them. Human beings are social creatures who are not biologically programmed to be alone. There's no shame in wanting company but most in stop-start relationships cannot fathom being single. To them such a categorization can actually translate to being unworthy of another.

When you are in an on-and-off again relationship there is always the availability of that person. You know that there is someone out there (nevermind that you haven't talked in months) that is thinking of you too and thus mustering up the strength to go on as a single man or woman seems like a option that you do not have to choose. Why would you? Though you deleted them off your phone and Facebook, you know you have their number memorized.