The Art of Breaking-up With Someone Not Like an Asshole

Whether you are on the one cultivating the break-up or the poor sap on the receiving end of a cold dish they didn’t order called, “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” ("No sir, you can't send it back and order something else), I hate to point out the obvious but break-ups are not fun (like 8 hours of listening to the Crash Test Dummies not fun). First, there’s the possibility that this person you once called every night to say goodnight may not want to continue to just be your friend and will leave your life permanently. You’ll call them on their birthday, hoping that enough time has passed by and you two can at least be friendly but they won’t want to talk to you because to them you are still the same person who wanted to no longer sleep with them. Will you ever find another person who got every single Seinfeld reference you ever made? Maybe not but if you are going to break-up anyways here’s how to do it gracefully and kindly.

1. Don’t do anything that resembles cheating before you officially go your separate ways and a conversation had taken place.

The truth is, most people start emotionally detaching themselves from a relationship they are no longer happy in long before the break-up talk is had. As harmless and justified as online flirting (aka non physical cheating) seems while you are with someone you do not wish to be with anymore, it is not harmless nor is it a cool thing to do to your soon to be ex. For your own karma and sense of integrity, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you while still together, no matter how unhappy you are. It’s easy to seek the fun and ease you once had with your partner in the beginning but look for that after you officially break-up and go your separate ways. Pursue and/or be pursued when the other person knows that you two are officially done. It’s easier that way for everyone involved and if you really want to show that you are a person of quality, do not have someone lined up right after. Show yourself that you can be single and can mourn the end of a relationship in a way that is respectful to your ex, even if it you who is doing the breaking up. You just said goodbye to someone you spent 8 months with and though you know its the best decision long term, it will hurt and so let it hurt. Feel the pain, remember the good times and take some time to truly understand who you are and what you need.

2. Writing your thoughts out in an email or text is fine as a prelude but some face-to-face interaction should come as well.

We invite each other to our birthdays via Facebook, we express affection through emoticons we put in text and so why cant one start the break-up conversation via text or email as well? Now before you label every person who sent a break-up text as cold-hearted and/or cowardly, try to understand where they are coming from. Writing everything concisely and accurately in email or text allows one to express themselves clearly and firmly. You also give the other person a private moment to collect their thoughts, maybe shed a few tears and curse your name in vain without you being there (for both of your sake). After the email or text, you should see each other (granted they want to see you) and have an honest face-to-face conversation with the person already prepared and knowing your intentions.

Too many times I have heard people derail a break-up conversation because the other person got too emotional or somehow manipulated them to stay. With written words it is easier to convey and stay firm in what you are expressing. The truth is, you want out and chances are they probably already know it.

3. Make sure the first person you tell that the break-up is on the horizon is the actual person you want to break up with. 

It’s good to have friends that you are open with but I have always found it astounding how people talk more about their relationship problems with others than they do with their own partners. Do not tell your group of friends (or worse, mutual friends) that you two are headed for the end. Yes, its tempting to want to seek sympathy and get other people's opinion but give your ex and the relationship the privacy it deserves. Nothing is worse than seeing a mutual friend and them revealing all the problems you had with your ex they never revealed to you. The only people who should be involved in a break-up conversation are the two people who shared a bed together. Everybody else becomes this uninvited third wheel that makes everything awkward.Ever had a third person lay in your bed, believe me, its awkward.

4. Be gentle, patient and if your own strength allows, even a bit selfless.

I view break-ups in a very “what is meant for me is solely for me and will come for me” laissez-faire, new-age kinda way (you just rolled your eyes, I know). Simply put, I have the ability and emotional growth to still stay friends or at the very least be friendly with an ex (even if the poor bastard dumped me) but others may not and you need to accept that. Be kind when they throw something viscous your way and try to understand that their anger is just undealt pain and rejection. Be patient and know that they may not want to talk to you in a few days or in some cases a few decades. Be selfless in that you may need to curb the urge to reach out to them when you miss them because not talking to you is the best thing for them right now. Having someone you cared about leave you hurts. Respect and sympathize that their own growth, stability and mental health means that you two may never hang out again, no matter how well your intentions are.

5. Walk away with no regrets.

I’m not sure about all of you but I have never rejected someone I didn’t want back again at some point in time but I refuse to focus on the seemingly missed opportunity and instead choose to focus on the fact that something made me turn a corner in my relationship. Something made me doubt this person’s ability to love me and treat me the way I feel I needed to be. Something made me imagine my life without them and images of my life with them brought me worry. Something made me think that this wasn’t it for me and thus I let go. Trust your own instincts, silly premonitions (they aren't so silly after all, are they?) and believe that you know who can make you happy and who cannot.

If you are the one being broken up with, I feel for you. If you are the one doing the breaking up, I feel for you as well. We all deserve to be happy with someone who brings out the best in us. Break up with someone and take breaking up in a way that shows that you have integrity. Allow yourself to feel the pain but remember that the definition of real love is when you wish happiness for that person even if you are not part of the equation. Anything less than that just makes you an asshole, bro.

To Forgive and Forget in a Pain-Filled World(?)

There are a few things you can always count on when it comes to me: blogs no less than 1,000 words, my endless defense of the idea that Chinese Democracy was the best album of 2008 (I said quiet, haters!) and a heart that doesn’t bounce back as easily as I would like from pain that others have brought my way. You didn’t know the Karinmister is a very sensitive Cancer that is all mush inside and all hard shell outside? You do now. So much so that reliving through dialogue a fallout with an ex-best friend when I was 16 actually stung a bit. Confident and resilient me was transformed back to 2000 and it became clear that the pain associated with being betrayed was still real in 2015. “My god” I thought “I’ve never truly gotten over anything” and thus I ask: do we ever? Do we ever fully move on from anything traumatic that came our way? Do we ever look at the person who didn’t extend the slightest crumb of the compassion cookie the same way as we did as when we feasted with them on steak and martinis at N’awlins? Simply put, is there truly such a thing as forgive and forget?

Let’s break down the notion of forgive and forget shall we. The mantra urges us to act as a holy entity of sorts that can be misused, disregarded, thrown away, betrayed, called every name in the book and yet all will be forgotten the minute that person realizes they sinned. We will extend our arms and welcome them back into our lives because they apologized and a good person accepts an apology. Right? In theory, it’s a great mantra because it means that there is no such thing as burning bridges but rather only redemption filled lanes that oversee gardens filled with white lilies. I ask though- how practical is that because if a snake bites are you not forever hesitant of petting it again, no matter how much it claims to have changed? The forgive and forget mantra however urges you to pet the snake even though it bit you and left you bloody and bruised. And if you don’t you will be called an unforgiving snake hater whose heart does not know how to forgive and play nice with snakes. Yes, you will be the one in the wrong because you refused to pet the snake that almost bit your hand off. "Shame on you, unforgiving snake hater" some people will yell to you as you walk along Queen West. You don’t want to be that person, do you? Neither do I but I will admit it, I find it hard to pet a snake after it has bit me. Yes, that is the premise of forgive and forget. To pet a snake after is has bit you.

The reality however is that sometimes a certain snake bite is so hard that we spend years trying to heal from it or pretend the bite mark is not there altogether. Chances are you tended to your bruise by yourself and did the best you could to still live in the zoo and pretend you weren’t weary of every passing snake you saw. You might have even spent a night or two weeping while asking yourself, “Why did it hurt me, I never meant it harm” while clutching your bleeding hand/heart. Then, lo and behold, the snake that bit you reaches out and expresses some sort of regret for the bite. Though you want to move on and go back to playing nice with the snake (Lord knows you two used to have a lot of snake fun together), you look down at your bruise and you are reminded that this snake has bitten you. Your thoughts run back to that time you even cried yourself to sleep, clutching your arm and thinking, “I didn’t deserve this.” Most snake bites aren’t deserved though.

When face to face with the sorry snake that sunk its teeth into you, you think how great it would be to go back and play nice with the snake. To cover up the bruise you think of how you could wear a long sleeve shirt, add a little more ointment to your regular regime and you two can go back to the way it was. The reality most times however is that though you double up on the ointment, try to make sense of what happened and ultimately try to forget the bite mark was ever there, it is there. So I ask you- how do you pretend a bruise is not there when it is? That’s what forgive and forget means to me- to pretend a bruise is not there. To be around somebody who bite you and to not acknowledge that they did. To wear a long sleeve shirt, hiding my bite mark and telling people I’m cold when I'm boiling inside.

The truth is- I am hard on those wronged me because I’m afraid of getting in the habit of always forgiving and eventually becoming immune to snake venom. An interesting thing occurs when you start allowing people to hurt you and then walk back into your life as though nothing as happened- you start accepting that that is the way it is; despicable behaviour becomes this normalized thing that you are supposed to forgive the moment that person realizes they were wrong. 

Another interesting thing that occurs when one starts settling for less, it starts accepting it deserves less. But above all, forgiving every bite that ever comes your way makes you think that it is normal to be bitten. Personally, I’m afraid not holding snakes accountable for their bites and becoming this person who parades through life, singing to the tune of forgive and forget while wearing long sleeves and all while saying, “I’m okay, I forgave you” when the truth is, I didn't and I'm not okay (not even close).

And yet I am the first to say that forgiveness is first and foremost for the person who has been hurt. For that past pain becomes this unpleasant and present burden that they continue to walk around with while everyone else (who coincidentally did not get as hurt) has moved on. There was a theory I heard once and that is that if you are truly honest with yourself then you know that you will never get over any trauma fully and wholeheartedly. Now before you say, “That’s the most pessimistic thing I have ever heard in my entire life” listen to what it says. That everything that has hurt you is in some way a part of you. Every person who has ever hurt you has changed you and so every piece of trauma is engrained in you. To escape it, to forget that hurt is to not know yourself. To forgive and forget is to not be aware of everything that you have ever felt and consequently, lived through. To ask me to forgive and forget is to ask me to forget who I am and the things that have made up my character.

I think another reason I find it hard to forgive and forget is because many times others do things I would never. I know it is brutally unfair to expect everyone to act like I would but believe me, if you know me personally then you know that going out of my way to hurt another human being is not something I would do. Make no mistake though when pushed, I will say, “Ouch, that hurt, don’t push” and when insulted I will utter, “Don’t be a rude bitch” but to throw the first blow is something that I seldom have done. And even when I somewhat retaliate because I have been struck first (I am only human, people) I still feel bad. For example, the other day I told an ex-friend that my boyfriend would bash his face in if he continued to talk shit (isn't it the most unbecoming thing when a guy becomes a gossip queen?) Though many said the threat of a face bashing was justified for the things I was called, it didn’t take away from the fact that I felt bad when made that threat. I still feel bad. For every person I have ever hurt as retaliation for being hurt I feel bad. And so I sometimes wonder: is it a gift or a curse that my heart hurts for those I have hurt? Is it a gift or a curse to be the one always trying to be my higher self and turn the other cheek even when I shouldn’t? Is it a gift or a curse to be mistreated and to not want to hurt them the same way they hurt me? I’m not sure anymore. I just know that when I hurt another human being as a retaliation for being hurt, I feel as if I am hurting my own self. But what is even more hurtful is that very few people feel the same guilt for the times they are the one dishing it out?

If you live by the idea that all anger is pain then you might understand why I have turned the other cheek more times than I should have. To anyone who has hurt me I have looked at and said “This is all pain, I will not retaliate” but I wonder if me not retaliating has brought me more resentment towards them than it would have had I retaliated and carried out even a smidge of what they dished out my way. Simply put, if you are someone in my life who had wronged me, came back and realized real fast that this is not an open arms welcome, please know one thing, I am not hate-filled nor do walk around being burdened by the pain you caused me. Rather, I am still shocked that you were able to hurt me in a way I would never hurt you. I am still shocked that you were able to disregard my feelings when I know I would never have the heart to disregard yours. I am still shocked that you were able to hit ignore every time I called to try to salvage things because I would never hit ignore on you.

Or maybe my desire to never want to get too close to the snake that bit me comes from the idea that if I get too close I will want to start petting like old times (because I truly petting) but the idea of being bit again makes the bruise that has just healed open up again. I don’t have enough ointment for tend to another bruise so step away, snake.

What I hope you take away from this piece, my dear readers, is that when you want to cause pain, when you want to use every foul name you could think of and no matter how justified you think you are (“But they did this to me, but they said this about me” I hear you say)- just don’t. Do not be the person that hurt others. Do not be the person that makes somebody else’s life a little darker. Do not be the person who has to make others wear long sleeves, no matter how justified you think you are. Not because we are all just trying to get through this crazy ride called life in one piece. Not because we are so fragile and precious but hide under very hard exteriors but because one day you may be that snake who longs to be pet by that former snake lover who pet you like nobody else could but you can’t now because you bit them too hard.