The Art of Breaking-up With Someone Not Like an Asshole

Whether you are on the one cultivating the break-up or the poor sap on the receiving end of a cold dish they didn’t order called, “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” ("No sir, you can't send it back and order something else), I hate to point out the obvious but break-ups are not fun (like 8 hours of listening to the Crash Test Dummies not fun). First, there’s the possibility that this person you once called every night to say goodnight may not want to continue to just be your friend and will leave your life permanently. You’ll call them on their birthday, hoping that enough time has passed by and you two can at least be friendly but they won’t want to talk to you because to them you are still the same person who wanted to no longer sleep with them. Will you ever find another person who got every single Seinfeld reference you ever made? Maybe not but if you are going to break-up anyways here’s how to do it gracefully and kindly.

1. Don’t do anything that resembles cheating before you officially go your separate ways and a conversation had taken place.

The truth is, most people start emotionally detaching themselves from a relationship they are no longer happy in long before the break-up talk is had. As harmless and justified as online flirting (aka non physical cheating) seems while you are with someone you do not wish to be with anymore, it is not harmless nor is it a cool thing to do to your soon to be ex. For your own karma and sense of integrity, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you while still together, no matter how unhappy you are. It’s easy to seek the fun and ease you once had with your partner in the beginning but look for that after you officially break-up and go your separate ways. Pursue and/or be pursued when the other person knows that you two are officially done. It’s easier that way for everyone involved and if you really want to show that you are a person of quality, do not have someone lined up right after. Show yourself that you can be single and can mourn the end of a relationship in a way that is respectful to your ex, even if it you who is doing the breaking up. You just said goodbye to someone you spent 8 months with and though you know its the best decision long term, it will hurt and so let it hurt. Feel the pain, remember the good times and take some time to truly understand who you are and what you need.

2. Writing your thoughts out in an email or text is fine as a prelude but some face-to-face interaction should come as well.

We invite each other to our birthdays via Facebook, we express affection through emoticons we put in text and so why cant one start the break-up conversation via text or email as well? Now before you label every person who sent a break-up text as cold-hearted and/or cowardly, try to understand where they are coming from. Writing everything concisely and accurately in email or text allows one to express themselves clearly and firmly. You also give the other person a private moment to collect their thoughts, maybe shed a few tears and curse your name in vain without you being there (for both of your sake). After the email or text, you should see each other (granted they want to see you) and have an honest face-to-face conversation with the person already prepared and knowing your intentions.

Too many times I have heard people derail a break-up conversation because the other person got too emotional or somehow manipulated them to stay. With written words it is easier to convey and stay firm in what you are expressing. The truth is, you want out and chances are they probably already know it.

3. Make sure the first person you tell that the break-up is on the horizon is the actual person you want to break up with. 

It’s good to have friends that you are open with but I have always found it astounding how people talk more about their relationship problems with others than they do with their own partners. Do not tell your group of friends (or worse, mutual friends) that you two are headed for the end. Yes, its tempting to want to seek sympathy and get other people's opinion but give your ex and the relationship the privacy it deserves. Nothing is worse than seeing a mutual friend and them revealing all the problems you had with your ex they never revealed to you. The only people who should be involved in a break-up conversation are the two people who shared a bed together. Everybody else becomes this uninvited third wheel that makes everything awkward.Ever had a third person lay in your bed, believe me, its awkward.

4. Be gentle, patient and if your own strength allows, even a bit selfless.

I view break-ups in a very “what is meant for me is solely for me and will come for me” laissez-faire, new-age kinda way (you just rolled your eyes, I know). Simply put, I have the ability and emotional growth to still stay friends or at the very least be friendly with an ex (even if the poor bastard dumped me) but others may not and you need to accept that. Be kind when they throw something viscous your way and try to understand that their anger is just undealt pain and rejection. Be patient and know that they may not want to talk to you in a few days or in some cases a few decades. Be selfless in that you may need to curb the urge to reach out to them when you miss them because not talking to you is the best thing for them right now. Having someone you cared about leave you hurts. Respect and sympathize that their own growth, stability and mental health means that you two may never hang out again, no matter how well your intentions are.

5. Walk away with no regrets.

I’m not sure about all of you but I have never rejected someone I didn’t want back again at some point in time but I refuse to focus on the seemingly missed opportunity and instead choose to focus on the fact that something made me turn a corner in my relationship. Something made me doubt this person’s ability to love me and treat me the way I feel I needed to be. Something made me imagine my life without them and images of my life with them brought me worry. Something made me think that this wasn’t it for me and thus I let go. Trust your own instincts, silly premonitions (they aren't so silly after all, are they?) and believe that you know who can make you happy and who cannot.

If you are the one being broken up with, I feel for you. If you are the one doing the breaking up, I feel for you as well. We all deserve to be happy with someone who brings out the best in us. Break up with someone and take breaking up in a way that shows that you have integrity. Allow yourself to feel the pain but remember that the definition of real love is when you wish happiness for that person even if you are not part of the equation. Anything less than that just makes you an asshole, bro.