How to Give Yourself Closure in a Dismissive and Busy World.

If you have ever held a grudge, you know that doing so creates an electric shock barrier of sorts that makes you feel detached from those around you. The ones that do still come around risk being zapped the minute they touch you. You may not even notice when you are embroiled in Hurricane Anger but if you look back at your life and are completely honest I think you will admit that the times you were the most angriest is also the times you were the least liked. I know such is true for myself.

I’ve always compared carrying around anger similarly to wearing a really old smelly shirt that you think you look great in but everyone around walks away as soon as you enter the room. “Sorry gotta run, places to be, people to see” they will tell you even though both of you know that is a lie. And it is for that reason I have always looked at conflict resolution and heart-to-hearts as gifts of sorts that we give to each that make everyone in an unpleasant situation sleep just a little better (never mind that we also replace our old shirts with fresh ones). Have I lost you with that overly cliché last line? Hope not because at the root living with resentment and lack of closure is something I do not think anyone should live with. And yet how does one give themselves closure when the person is unwilling to talk or is not physically here to have that conversation with you.

As someone who had lost their father at a young age I’ve had many conversations with my dad through me imagining he was here with me listening to me or even through the action of a letter I pretended he would read one day. Though it may sound strange- writing a letter for a dead man, it never felt strange. After every one-on-one conversation with my father I felt lighter and though I knew he was not there in the physical to hear what I needed him to hear, I always walked away feeling better.

It is that kind of dialogue that does not necessarily need the existence of the other person that I would like to suggest to those who are looking for closure and not receiving it.

I want you to lock yourself in a room, pretend the other person is there and say everything you need them to hear. It is important to note that the “response” is not what matters because in this case there will not be a response of sorts (though sometimes I do imagine what my father would say to me in return) and that’s okay because closure is for yourself. Closure, at the root, is about you, not the other person and so one does not necessarily need them in order to get it.

If anything, you may appreciate the action of having a “pretend” conversation where you express everything you need.

1. Time constraints is not an issue.

I don’t know about you but I am sort of infamous for going on and on (I blame my stellar verbal skills) and at times I have been told “Ok, I get it, you can stop now” and though I understand where they are coming from, I still feel I have more to say to them; more of what I need them to hear from me in order to move in. In a situation where you pretend the other person is with you, there is no risk or being cut off as the conversation exists for as long as you need it too. You are there to talk as long as you’d like without fear of being told to stop talking.

2. Living or dead, you still get to say how you feel.

One of the many unfortunate things about having someone die is the living person going on with their life knowing that they would never again have a face to face and say the things they wanted to. That is completely false. As I mentioned I have conversations with my father all the time and though you might think that it does no good to talk to a dead man, let me tell you, that it does. Relationships and bonds transcend the physical and so just because someone is not here in the physical why should you pretend they are not here at all? If you have someone in your life that you feel you owe an apology to that is no longer here, take some time, pretend they are with you and tell them everything you need to. It will help, trust me on that one.

3. No one will interrupt or confuse you.

Have you ever had the perfect speech in your head and then have it all go to hell because the other person brought up something completely unrelated or somehow used manipulation tactics? In a conversation involving only yourself there is no risk of being interrupted, getting the subject derailed or having your mind go blank after hearing something that triggers an emotional reaction and everything that you prepared to say is now overshadowed by either confusion or anger. Lack of closure also occurs when a conversation had taken place but you talked about something unrelated or you felt as if everything you brought up was met with resistance and more questions.

The misleading aspect regarding closure is that you need at least two people to make it happen. That is not true as closure can be found in writing letters to someone who may or may not receive them and continuing to have conversations even when the other person is not there physically.

So tonight, sit that person down metaphorically and express everything you need to. It may take some getting used to but believe me the action of hearing words out loud that have been in your head and heart for perhaps years is a tremendous feeling. The actual verbal expression of things you need to say is what will give you closure. Never mind that the person is not there to actually hear them because closure is first and foremost for yourself.  Besides, you said your peace, you put the words out in the universe and so why is that not enough?

Sometimes closure is realizing that there is no resolution, no happy ending that mends a friendship or relationship but that itself is closure. We all have people in our past and present who owe us apologies, who coincidentally we may also owe apologies to and that is why conversations- even with our own selves- are so important. All the power you need to feel different is within you. Never mind those who hurt us for no good reason and never even came back to see the damage they caused. You are your own personal paramedics.

If you have ever taken anything away from my writing I hope it is that you must always say how you feel and in this case even if the other person is nowhere to be found. Closure takes an investment in precious time, energy and emotion as you are forced to hear the other person to the fullest. Sometimes we are not given any of those things but that does not mean we cannot give ourselves the gift of closure. And what a gift it is.