How to Love Yourself Authentically and Sincerely

You might think that writing a piece on how to love yourself is redundant or better yet, unnecessary in a world that puts so much emphasis on self-fulfillment and pleasure. The irony however is that even with so much emphasis on the self, today’s grown adults seldom know how to love themselves. I mean truly themselves and as a result most don't know how to love others. I’m not talking about a quest rooted in ego and self-absorption but rather authentic care and sincere love for one self.

True self-love is rarely advertised as the world does not encourage us to love ourselves authentically and sincerely but rather promotes a superficial kind of love that starts hot and heavy in the summer and dies bitterly and alone in the dead of winter; a one night stand kind of love. Hot and heavy but no real substance. All show and tell but when the chips are down, you are lost. You know that kind of fake love, where you are friendly and go through all the motions of love but cant think of one thing you honestly like about her or him. Secretly you cringe when you see them hit going on events you are at but will both be nothing but hugs and smiles when the two of you finally do meet (yay frenemies unite). That is the kind of superficial, unauthentic self-love that the world encourages for ourselves. No wonder so many seemingly confident people crash and burn the moment their life starts to unravel and it is revealed (sometimes even they are surprised) that they never had any authentic self-love to begin with.

Below are 6 ways that you can practice authentic self-love:

Put Yourself First and Feel Free to Say “No Thank You” With Ease.

When I was growing up, if I wasn’t working on my own projects and essays, I was working on my little brother’s. I have so many memories of me as a tween, staying up till 1 am all messy hair and my little hands all tired from writing and/or drawing while my brother was fast asleep on his second dream. As far as I could remember my mom always told me that good sisters help their brothers whenever they can and it is that exact mantra that drove me to stay up and do grade 8 homework (again) when I really wanted to sleep. Years later I noticed I adapted that same philosophy over to friends and relationships. I found myself helping and being there for those that I felt drained me of my time and energy but whenever I wanted to pull back I'd hear myself say a revisionist version of my mom’s mantra, “A good girl/friends help others.” I continued to spend my time and energy on those that I felt needed me because as my mom’s advice with my brother, I too believed that to be a good friend or girlfriend, you had to put the other person first. Never mind what I needed, these people had bigger fish to fry, so I thought. In other words, whatever time and energy I had leftover from solving other people's problems I could unapologetically put towards mine.

It has taken years to undo this way of thinking and nowadays if I do not care to go somewhere or really do not care to speak to someone, I will not think twice as to say, “Busy at the moment, catch you another time.” I am no longer frantically looking for WiFi so I can reply to an email or message instantly (heaven forbid I reply the next day) but rather I conduct myself in a way where I am not in uncomfortable situations to please others. I have learned that I need to please myself first. That’s true self-love. To identify what you need and get it. That is way more important than having others identify what they need and ask you for it. Authentic self-love will always put your needs first.

You might say that this approach to friends and relationships is a a bit selfish and is a form of character regression rather than a progression because truth be told, I agree that the world is a better place when we help each other but in my life I have learned that the most helpful and giving people are also the most hurt. Think about it, if you are constantly giving and spending time on others, what time and energy is there left for you? What time and energy do you have to heal your own scars and wounds if you are bandaging up others?  The way I see it, putting others before yourself is like bleeding from an open wound but using a cloth to wipe the sweat of a friend that just ran 10 KM instead of using it to hold pressure on the wound. That’s what lack of self-love looks like. Constantly bleeding but worrying how others are feeling.

Eat Right and Take Care of Your Body

Feel free to judge me but I’ve never met an overweight person I believed when they told me they loved themselves. Same went for ultra skinny minnies who lived on salad and grilled chicken once a day. To love yourself authentically and sincerely is to nourish your body and truly listen to it when it is hungry and when it is full. It is to feed it colourful veggies and fruits and indulge in chocolate cake when the mood strikes. To love yourself is to feed yourself but also have the love of oneself to say, “I don’t need that 3^rd slice of cake.”

To love yourself authentically and sincerely is to listen to your body and slow down when it is telling you to do so. In the same breath, when it is telling you it feels like running for no good reason except that it needs to, listen to it. Did I ever tell y’all the time I ran from Queen and Palmerston to Queen and Ossington with weird glances all around me. If anybody would have asked me why I was running I would have replied, “My body felt like running and I love it so I listened.” Nobody ever asked though- pity. 

Tune out the B.S.

When you have authentic and sincere self-love the opinions of others don't hurt as much. When you lack self-love pleasing every walking talking person that enters your life will be your priority. You wont even care about the person per say but their unflattering opinion of you will work as a mirror of sorts to who you think you are. When you have self-love the only mirror you know to be true is the one you hold.  

The biggest lesson I have learned in the last 10 years (and this goes back to the first point of putting yourself first) is that I do not have an endless amount of time nor energy. The more time I spend energy on the thoughts of others, the less time I have to focus on my own dreams and aspirations. Besides, some will hate you for the simple fact that you have self-love and are doing well.

Also, keep in keep that when others have self-love the way they will criticize you will be in a way that may be a wake-up call but it wont be one that feels like they are metaphorically bashing your face in just for you to see their point. Rather, they will come to you calmly, firmly and gently. When you have self-love you will do the same.

Surround Yourself With Those that Truly Love You As You Are 

I’ve always been bothered by the quote, “Surround yourself with those that accept you as you are” because many times we grudgingly accept things we do not love. For instance the majority of us have accepted that our boss does not appreciate us, but that doesn’t solve the situation. I don’t know about you but I love to surround myself with those that not only get my craziness but admire it. The other day I had a friend tell me, “I wanna be Karina happy. I bet you walk into a supermarket smiling from ear to ear.” This is in contrast to those that tell me I am too loud and that I should use my “inside voice more”. Guess which friend I want hang out with more? The former of course and not because my ego loves being stroked but because when you are constantly around those that tell you they think you are too loud, too outspoken and not patient enough it is then that those traits that define you will be the exact same traits you will be ashamed of. You will start to believe that you are too loud, you are too outspoken and you need to work on your patience. Before you know it you become this quite, afraid to raise her voice kinda girl. You’ll hate her and miss that loud crazy chick that was authentically you.

Surround Yourself With Those That Truly Want to See You Do Well

I’ve always lived my life by the theory, “Be nice to everyone but only trust a select few” and so far it’s worked. I’ve met many people who I didn’t think wished me well and distanced myself from them even when others said I was not warranted to act that way. The truth is, wolves sometimes come in really fabulous faux- fur and its important to differentiate who will be the wolf that will want to bite you the first minute they are able to. Save yourself the heartache and allow people to prove themselves to you. Those with real self love know that trust is earned, not just given out to anybody that enters your life. Think a friend or boyfriend did something weird that questions their loyalty- ask them about it. The number one way to decrease your self-love is to surround yourself with those that secretly do not want you to do well and to make yourself believe that it’s all in your head. How do I define those that don’t want you to do well? They secretly wish they had what you had and most probably they will betray you at the first available chance. Having self-love is walking away from those kind of people.

Develop and Trust Your Own Instincts and Intuition

I had written a whole post a few months back on the importance of trusting your intuition and I still stand by it (for those curious: http://theocdmind.blogspot.ca/2015/08/intuitiveness-intent-and-other-survival.html). In my life I have noticed that I am the most spiritually awake and coincidentally have the most ability to be instinctually right when I have the most self-love.

When you love yourself authentically and sincerely, your intuition becomes your compass of who to be with and where to be at. When you lack that self-love and coincidentally start looking for it in others it is then that you start questioning your own instincts and intuition and sometimes find yourself in the wrong circles and most importantly, with the wrong people. When you start questioning your own intuition (the number one sign that your love tank is dry) that’s usually when everything gets messy. If you truly love yourself, trust your instincts and know that they are leading you to where you need to be (no matter what you hear otherwise). 

You may be reading this and have to ask yourself, how do I know I lack self-love. I think the biggest indicator where you are in the self-love scale is how to treat other people. The world is your reflection and if you're frustrated and have a disdain for others, chances are those feelings are also found in relation to how you feel in regards to your own life. Think the world is full of idiots and you are the last surviving rational person? Hmm, maybe you gotta check that self-love monitor of yours. 

4 Letter Word

The most beautiful 4 letter word, the strongest 4 letter word.

You said early on, you said carelessly.

You said it in the morning, you said it in the afternoon and you’d have it on repeat during the night.

No idea what it meant, still no idea what it means.

Got it confused with the other 4 letter word. 
Well, fuck me. I thought you knew the difference.

I looked for that 4 letter word in all the wrong places and so it should be no surprise that it found me in all the wrong places.

Wanted that 4 letter word so badly that I took whatever 4 letter word came out of your mouth. 
No name brand Coca-Cola is better than nothing, I thought. 
Should have stuck to water. 

That 4 letter word doesn’t live with you.

That 4 letter word is not in your arms.

It’s not in your kiss.

The most beautiful 4 letter word, the most strongest 4 letter word.