4 Friends to Distance Yourself From To Get Your Mind, Body & Health to the Next Level

When I was growing up, my mom’s favourite thing to say to me was (insert Russian lady accent here) “Karina, tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” Like clockwork, I’d roll my eyes and answer (insert little girl Russian accent here), “Okay, mom.” while every fiber of my being had to contain myself from yelling, “You are wrong!” Instead I would just always nod my head and smile. I refused to believe that there was such a thing as, guilty by association. How could there be? Aren't we all individuals with our own quirks and characteristics? Also, I didn't believe that someone else's bad habits can become my bad habits just because I spent considerable time with them. That's crazy talk, I thought.

For instance, I considered myself entirely different from my teenage best girlfriends (never mind that any given day you could see us all rockin’ the same Le Chateau flairs in midnight blue). What my mom preached to me was complete nonsense I thought. Just because I was dating a guy who dabbled in a little coco here and there, didn’t mean I went near it. That went without saying, right? Right?! Everything my mom preached made no sense until I grew up and realized that who you surround yourself with is a mirror of what you value, who you value and (shocker) how much you value yourself. Below are 4 friends who may not be allowing you to get your life to the next level.

The always heartbroken, always broke, always unhappy friend.

I’ve always been told I am a natural nurturer (damn Cancers, all caring and shit) and thus most people gravitate to open up to me. Maybe I seem like somebody who wants to hear them and once upon a time I did until I realized that it’s draining to be friends with someone you have to be a life coach too. I mean, most days I’m busy playing life coach to this ol’ girl and some days working overtime as head life coach. Don’t get me wrong, if you are a close girlfriend or guy friend and ring me up at 3 am to tell me how Boy D or Girl P broke your heart, 99% chance I’ll spend the rest of the night consoling you and telling you how hot you are and that they didn’t deserve you in the first place. Why? Because that’s what good friends do but if this is a weekly thing, then we may have a slight problem. See, you might think I’m just reaching but some folks actually get off on being unhappy. It’s an identity they carved out for themselves and no amount of life coaching can help them because the truth is, they don’t want help, they don’t want change. They like being the always heartbroken, always broke, always unhappy soul that they claim to be. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be ringing you up every Friday like clockwork telling you the same ol’ story. Instead they’d be bettering themselves. The sad part is, if you continue to roll with this friend, it wont be long till you might end up being heartbroken, broke and ultimately, unhappy.

The always takes, seldom gives friend

I’m the kind of girl that notices when a friend buys me a drink. It’s a little thing, I know, but how could one not notice when there is a new, delicious drink in your hand (my fav double lime too) and I haven’t even opened up me new Rebecca Minkoff wristlet? Vodka crans don’t just pop up out of thin air, right? Hmm, wouldn’t it be awesome if they did though? Okay, were getting off topic. But yes I always notice when a friend treats me because the truth is, it feels nice to be treated but you know what else feels nice, to repay the favour; to make that friend feel appreciated. And I know some of you are judging and are ready to jump on this with a “Why do I need to repay a nice gesture when I didn’t ask for it in the first place?” and I understand where you are coming from however, in my friend role book, if you are a person of integrity, you have a genuine desire to treat those who treat you. This can be applied to many different scenarios. Case in point, if you are going to take, give back as well. Don't want or cannot give back, then do not accept and take, it's just that simple bro.

The “this wont work, that’s a dumb idea” friend.

If you know me personally then you know that much like myself, I love outspoken people. Loud, tell you how it is, straight, no chaser kind of folk. We need people like that in our lives to tell us when we could be hitting up Bovine just a little too often, dating a douche or douchette or just not acting right. However, there is a fine line between being that well meaning friend and the always-bringing-you-down-friend.

For instance, in the summer of 2014 while planning my milestone bday concert, I decided that I wanted to dive head first into concert promoting. I knew it would come off as a little bit of a shock to some because well, just because you are a staple in the Toronto concert scene, doesn’t mean you know a thing about promoting concerts. Luckily I did and do but not everyone felt that way. I will never forget how it felt telling one of my then close guy friends that I was going to do my first show and how excited I was. He wasn’t excited for me though. He actually told me I didn’t have what it takes to succeed in it and that I was wasting my time even trying. “But I have to at least try. That’s the kind of person I am…” I tearfully typed out to him on FB chat. He broke my heart that day. Not because of what he said but because I knew right there and then that he wasn’t a real friend. 

Appreciate those that believe in your big dreams as much as you do and most importantly, cherish those that see the hidden talents that you possess. Your real friends think you’re fuckin’ amazing and know you can do anything you put your mind to.

The secretly wants to see you fail friend.

This is quite possibly the hardest friend to cut loose. Why? Because you probably have known them for years. Hell, he or she might have slept over the night before. You may have even hit the bars together twice last week cruising for dudes/chicks. See, the painful truth is (and this is years of scientific proof speaking at you) very few people actually and sincerely want you to do well and become the biggest and brightest version of you. It gets better, 90% of those folks are your blood family that actually have a serious stake in your life as your success means they didn’t do so bad after all. Yes, this is a hard pill to swallow but its not that most people don’t want you to do well, they just don’t you to do better than they are doing. Sure jealousy is part of the human experience but if you have a friend that rarely congratulates you, secretly smiles when you fail, doesn’t come out to support you and you overall have always felt that something was off, look into that and don’t just categorize it as nonsense. Real friends have a genuine desire to see you happy, healthy and thriving.

You’re Not Okay, I’m Not Okay, We’re Not Okay and That’s Okay.

Have you ever felt really optimistic and motivated and then have it all go down the bidet the next day? Or even worse, wake up on top of the world (I like to start my day off with Rick Ross' Hustlin' when I feel such, don't judge y'all), ready to conquer and by dinner time feel like everyone and everything rejected you (forget conquering you just want to get through the day in one piece)? If you have checked yes to both of those things, congratulations, you are a flesh and blood human being with a beating heart.

It’s always amazed me how things go wrong when you least expect it or should I say, feel so strong and uplifted that you can't imagine feeling anything but those things. Sure, you get to a certain age and you expect a little wrinkle here and there but it’s no fluke that life often serves us a big dose of “Let’s see how you are going to handle THIS tough guy” right before you sat down and said to yourself, “Bring it, world, I got this!” You ain’t got shit, sweetheart. It’s okay. None of us really do.

Two weeks ago I was making sure my correspondence was up to date (Facebook, Yahoo email, POF, that sort of modern girl thing) and was feeling good. Like really good. Actually, the fact that I was catching up on my correspondence was a sign that I was feeling good because who wants to answer, “How are things?” with a truthful “Awful.” There I sat at my computer writing away, feeling light and carefree, happily replying to email after email with an honest, "I'm really good" then bam, like clockwork a not so nice message was calling my name. Who sent it and why is was sent is not important in this dialogue but rather what should be investigated is how fast the light and carefree girl from an hour ago transformed into somebody who had tears in her eyes trying to tell herself she was too old to cry over spilled milk or in this case, a mean girl who have no love for ol’ Karinie.

As I sat there, hurt and confused by the message I just received, I had a thought- if I truly was that carefree and happy girl from an hour ago, then how and why would this message affect me? If my feelings were genuine, then how can anything possibly touch me? Or more importantly, if the ground on which I stand on is rock solid, how can anyone ever shake me? It was right there and then that I realized that to be human, or in my case, to be a sensitive human, meant that there is no such thing as rock solid ground. Ever. You would think such news would have upset me even more but on the contrary, it uplifted me. 

What I was feeling, a good day turned upside down is what most people experience. I was no different from them and there was no shame in feeling happy and going to sleep feeling the opposite. 

The realization that life was both a rock solid marble concrete I walk on and a big bumpy playhouse underneath was comforting. Life really is an abundance of the both the good and the bad; carefree and light and painful hard in the same breath. No going around it. That’s what makes all of us human and that's the path that is in front of us.

The fact that you can be in a metaphorical tropical climate and feel hot and want to remove a layer of clothing and then feel cold when put in a proverbial ice storm and long for that warm sweater you just took off, doesn’t mean that your thermometer is off but rather you react to both the cold and the hot. As every human should. Would you ever want to be the person that is in the heat and then the cold and says both feel the same? I don’t. Human beings are reactionary creatures and really have the ability to experience every emotion and feeling there exists when living in a world where anything can happen to them.

Or maybe the plan is to always keep you guessing. You know, never allow your head to get so big and your heart so strong from never feeling heartache that you forget what sadness does feel like and have no way of understanding (see: comforting) someone suffering. To make you have enough in your emotional bank account to feel good but not so much to that you start believing that nothing can ever touch you.

Or maybe if you are constantly on unsteady ground, always knowing that a boost of suffering and heartache can come at you any time or day then maybe you can start appreciating your happy times just a little bit more. As cliché as it may sound, the truth is, the happiest happy have suffered the most and thus actually appreciate good times like nobody else can understand. “Why are you so in this moment” they might ask and you’ll reply, “Cause I know it wont last.”

The good news is, mean girls (and mean boys), just like emotions, come and go. None of them hold on to you indefinitely. Nothing can. If you can remember that on your darkest day then there is nothing you won't get through.

Everyday we are walking on unsteady ground. Wake up with a smile on your face on Tuesday, cherish it, it may not be the same story on a Wednesday. Same goes for you who went to bed with tears in your eyes on a Friday. Cheer up, something amazing might happen to you next Saturday. Feel hurt by a certain person. Guess what, they too are going to be coming and going. Remember that part I said about nothing being able to hold on to you indefinitely? Same thing goes for those you meet, for those you hate and sadly, even those you love. Nothing and no one can hold on to you indefinitely. Find comfort that nothing lasts forever; not your popularity, not your loneliness, not your youth, your sadness, and as my favorite lyrics said to me on a very dark 1999 October day, “Not even cold November rain.”

Would Rather Have Riches Than Love/ I Walked Away from Love

Would Rather Have Riches Than Love

Would rather have riches than have love.

Would rather have a Chanel purse than a hug.
What's the point? That hug you'll give to somebody else anyways when I am away from you and another has her arms wide open.

Would rather have a vacay than a bittersweet kiss that will be held by someone else's lips that bear no resemblance to mine.

Would rather have a new pretty dress than be written a love song. 
One day after you had sung it and proclaim that it was meant for me (and only me) you'll change all the Karinas and greenish-blueish eyes to something else.
She'll never know and the song will be hers and I will sit pretty and loveless in my new pretty dress.

Would rather have riches than love.   

I Walked Away From Love  

I walked away from love because it made me complacent.
I walked away from love because that at times numbing and yet fiery longing and hunger for more left me and was replaced with warmth, empathy and compassion when I fell in love.
That hectic, wild storm that scared me and yet thrilled me became a calm body of water that provoked in me a state of stillness when I had love.
I walked away from love because it made me complacent. 

I walked away from love because when we were in bed I no longer cared if I missed a workout and if that stomach he kept kissing was utterly flat enough. That's a problem when I need my stomach to be flat.
That need to conquer the day and save the world was gone, banished as if it was never there. Only to be replaced with wanting to save him and I and only him and I. That's a problem when I need to save the world and it isn't just him and I. 

That filthy, greedy desire to make more money and show off became an afterthought that started to hold little substance. How can one ever  be full from materialist shit when one was already from just his touch?
I walked away from love because it made me complacent. 
So forgive me, my love, that I walked away from love.