You get to a certain age and a part of you just expects for romantic interest X or friend Y to hurt you. Just like that 3rd loop on a fast roller coaster that you know is coming but still feel jittery altogether when it happens. Or if they do not, one becomes baffled as to why they have not yet and like clock work, sooner or later they do. Sometimes the pain will come softly and in small increments and other times it will pour over you like a wild Toronto thunder storm that shuts down the TTC and leaves people scrambling and asking, “Why me?” Why me, indeed, I still ask when hurt by somebody unexpectedly. I mean, at my age I should know better but I’m still surprised when it does happen.
If you are a closet mush ball like me (like every Cancer-
hard shell, all mush inside) you value friendships and relationships and still
want to open up like this heart has never felt pain. When someone says, “You
can trust me” I actually want to believe them. No matter how much of my 30 + years
on this dark planet makes me think otherwise. Why is that? Why do I still want to trust utterly and fully
when human beings are (pardon my French) walking and talking fucks-ups that
mean well but usually don’t do well? Why do I still want to allow people in
when I know that human beings love to hit the “mess things up button” when
everything is nice? Maybe we are all just programmed to be self-destructive
and it should come as no surprise when one of us acts out. Maybe it should come as a
surprise when we don’t act out.
Or maybe I still give human beings the benefit of the doubt
because I have met the cold, standoffish prototype and it is a lonely, bitter
life they live. They’ll shrug and say they do not care but if you get to know them better you’ll see that all that anger and
loneliness is really just pain and mistrust. They are quick to be judged by outsiders but I know where
they are coming from. Though I may seem like their anti-thesis, in a way I am
them and so are you. And so is every single person who has ever trusted utterly
and fully and been treated unfairly. You think to yourself, why did this come
my way? I didn’t deserve this. I deserved better.
On that note, at what point does one say, “I’m done” or
rather at what point does one still keep trying even when logic tells you, don’t trust this person. How many times is enough? If you are like me and
want to believe, no, scratch that, need to believe, that the world can be a nice
place, you keep giving chances till you find yourself sitting on a Megabus,
crying while coming back from what should have been a fantastic ending to a
fantastic trip. It is then that you scavenger around your bag for paper, borrow
a working pen from the Italian guy a row behind you and you write a blog entry
such as this. And in the midst of the long drive you ask yourself, can human beings ever be fully trusted? I don’t mean the fake, say hi when I see you, lets do a few shots trust, but
the real and sincere trust that leads to a lifetime bond. Is it even smart to
trust another person anymore?
My ex-boyfriend wouldn’t skip a beat to answer that question
and give one of his famous, “Human beings should not be trusted. They don’t know
what to do with such power” speeches. Truth be told, such a speech from him
would often trigger and be the start of a lengthy monologue by yours truly that
would try to erase every, do-not-trust-humans-theory he’d throw my way. Maybe
I used to try to silence him and throw out words like jaded and crazy because somewhere
really, really deep inside I knew he was right. Give human beings too much
friendship, too much of your inner child; reveal too much of your vulnerable
self and with enough time they will trample all over them. Or maybe I am scared
to believe that I live in a world that only looks pink because I am wearing
rose-colored Ray Bans. Or maybe I long for someone who will wear rose-colored
glasses with me and give me a weird look when I try to take mine off. Not
somebody who wants to pry them off me.
It must be stated however that not all pain that human
beings give is intentional and as in this particular case, might even be
met with a plethora of apologies and genuine feelings of guilt but that doesn’t
change that you just cried and your inner child was once again reminded that
they must grow up or continue to trust fully and utterly and coincidentally
continue to feel pain, as children often.
A lot to think about on my way back to Toronto.
My inner child wants to continue to trust, fully and utterly but like all
children, one has to grow up one day. Maybe those cold, standoffish types have
it all right and it is I who has it backwards but still my closet mush ball
self wants to trust, fully and utterly. Maybe I will experience more
pain than my anti-thesis but at least I am still trying and trusting; trusting
and trying.
Or maybe human beings are the last thing from perfect and we
are not meant to be trusted for the simple fact that we are not perfect. Or
maybe we are just that, human beings; complex, fucked-up and deep inside all
just little children never fully grown. All just trying our darnest in a world that will
bring out our worst selves more often than our best selves. And that is what I will remind myself when I am hurt. That nobody
is perfect, not even I. Especially not even I.
As I am getting to the end of writing this entry and someone
just reminded me that I am half way to Toronto
and am just about to pass through Kingston, I am looking at the person who hurt me and I feel somewhat better. I know
with enough time I can forgive. Why? Because I still want to see the best in
people, even if we still are all walking, talking fuck-ups. Even so, that does
not mean that within us does not exist a lifelong inner child that longs to
forgive when they just cried their eyes out and in the same breath, just as
much, wants to be forgiven when they have made a mess. It also helps to know I got someone on my side in Kingston.
Maybe they’ll hurt me one day and I’ll write a part deux to this post. Or maybe
I have met someone who will nurture my inner child the way others did not know
how to. That way, I can keep wearing my rose-colored glasses and continue
to believe that I can indeed trust, fully and utterly. Besides, I look good in
rose-colored Ray Bans.
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