Every New Year I make a two-fold resolution:
1. To have a bigger and better year than the previous and
2. To not wish this year for who and what I did last year.
Both resolutions stem from my desire to move on from
things and people that no longer fulfill me or are counterproductive to my
life. It’s a tough one because if you know me personally you know that I have a
hard time letting things be and moving on to the next thing. Rather, I will
stay in situations (usually more than I need to) and analyze, ponder and
brainstorm why things did not pan out the way I wanted them out. Like a mad
scientist I will write out mathematical formulations and create a number of
hypotheses for why E did not equal MC2. In other words, why did things not go
according to plan (see: my plan)? Why was there no follow up to the connection
I thought was so obvious and abundant? Why did that friendship not materialize?
Yes, to stop being that way is my New Year’s resolution.
In a way the surprise and frustration I feel when things do
not go my way is a testament to the persistence and idealism that my character
is saturated in. Even more surprising is my reaction to the end of
relationships and friendships I truly put effort in. But the kicker however,
is when I am deliberately not given closure to things I feel I am entitled to
(see: think I am entitled to). I’m not sure if it has become abundantly clear but to me communication and self-expression
is not a habit I just have (an annoying little habit some will say) but rather
it’s a way of life. To leave a situation and not say everything I need to? Um,
people actually do that? To have a fight with someone and not express exactly
how (I think) they are at fault? I’m sorry but this motherboard cannot process
such an action.
With that said, I’m not sure if it is a blessing or a curse
(or a combination of both to give my life that little extra pinch of spice) but to me
communication is like food; without it I cannot be. During an argument or a
misunderstanding with someone, communication becomes even more necessary; it becomes
like water. A must for me to not feel dizzy and confused in a dry desert of
emotions. I also like to have my life organized and my relationships
compartmentalized (metal organization as I call it). The whole idea of just
letting things be (unorganized, undefined, unsolved) actually makes me
uncomfortable.
Why am I like this you ask? Do I lack pride and measure my
worth in the amount of friends I can win over and resolve things with? Not at all. See, my thing is: the sooner two people actually talk, the
sooner the little know-it-all voices in our heads that talk for the other
person (as if they know what they are thinking) get silenced. By that I mean, too often, when communication is not given to us we
create this fictional story of what they are feeling, what they must be
thinking, and many times it is not accurate to say the least.
Needless to say it is not easy being the person trying to
fix and mend relationships (even when it is you who should be apologized and
reached out to) and so this year I am moving on from this need and adapting a more
carefree attitude towards resolution. I know that if resolution does not come to me then I am still going to be alive and well and so why act like lack thereof is some kind
of a horrible punishment bestowed upon me. If anything, maybe I need to learn and
in the process teach those who are too familiar with this need, that I am no longer going to be girl who will run
after them yelling and pleading, “I know you want to fix this as much as I do”.
This New Year my goal is to hang up my mad scientist lab coat
and no longer try to revive, fix, repair and mend situations where I am the only one trying. I am done being the only scientist working overtime in an empty lab. If a friendship
is on life support, my life will not be in disarray and I will no longer spend my
days brainstorming ways on how to fix it. I will no longer use excuses such as “Oh, maybe they don’t
know how to approach me…Maybe they don’t know what to say. Shes not very good
with words to begin with. I need to contact her, I’m sure she’s sorry.”
This New Year I am going to let people be. I am going to get comfortable with the undefined and the unresolved. If a conflict arises, let them come to me and if they never
do, well, then they never do.
Be brave and strong enough to leave relationships undefined.
Maybe not everything needs to be mended, explained, and straightened
out.
I will definitely try to remember my own words next time I
have a need to pick up a phone or log into my Facebook to resolve
something where I am the only one trying to.
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