For the last two years, advice from those who mean well has usually started off with, “You gotta let go of your expectations.” It is then followed by a short speech on how doing so will lead to a happier me in the long run. On the contrary, it is when I let go of expectations that complacency creeps in and I feel the void of no longer thirsting for something bigger, better and seemingly maybe even a bit unattainable. I want to start off by saying that somehow, somewhere those who have expectations from themselves, their lives and those around them have been pegged as demanding. Not to say that all who have expectations are not, but I on the other hand have always equated expectations with standards; also known as having an above minimum level of quality that one expects from situations. Now, doesn’t that sound healthy? To think that one is worthy and deserving of a certain level of quality. To think that one does in fact deserve to be treated and have a life that is filled with a certain (high) level of standard simply because they are.
Another reason used in the fight against expectations is the belief that those around you will feel discouraged by the belief that they are not up to par with the assumed expectations that are given to them. I entirely understand how that can be as it is never a good feeling to know that somehow you do not measure up to how others think you should or can be. That feeling of containment felt by what others expect of you can be unpleasant but in my life it has been the opposite. I have found expectations to actually be encouraging rather than discouraging. How do you figure, you ask? I can tell you that pursuing post-secondary education and doing well in it was not an option but an expectation my family had of me. While friends branded my family as “critical”, I did not see it that way. I saw the expectation of me going to university and doing well as a compliment. If my family thought I was not able of doing well, they would not expect that from me. It was me wanting to live up to those expectations that made me do well. It was the pressure of hearing, “I know you can do so well” that made me go that extra mile. It is the high expectation of me by my family that made me expect the same from myself and transcends to this day in other areas of my life.
Another example of expectations as a driving force for assumed above average intellect and ability can be seen in the workplace. Look at where you work, are the “star employees” being expected nothing of? No, they are not. Rather they are expected to be on time, produce high quality assignments, lead group projects and all because there is a certain high level of productivity that has now been associated to them due to their past work. The most laziest and unproductive worker on the other hand can come in 30 minutes late and not much will be done. Why? A lower standard has been attached to their name and reputation. Why expect blood from a stone, as they say.
The last and most popular reason for letting go of expectations is the belief that lack of them will produce a much more freer and easier life and I will not pretend to disagree with that but is easier better? Is an easier life that houses no expectations and minimum standards more rich and fulfilling? If one never expects things from themselves then one can surely never be wrong because if you didn’t expect anything from yourself, whatever you get is seen as a bonus of sorts.
Aside from all this I also find that looking at expectations as either a purely positive or negative concept is problematic. The late Michael Foucault encouraged us to not look at things from a purely singular perspective and this is most abundant in the following excerpt in his take on power and control in society:
“We must cease once and for all to describe the effects of
power in negative terms: it excludes, it represses, it censors, it abstracts,
it masks, it conceals. In fact, power produces; it produces reality; it produces
domains of objects and rituals of truth...”
Yes, expectations create a mental built-in self checklist of
sorts but they also set a certain level of self discipline and above all,
creates an atmosphere of accountability. Expectations of oneself also produces
a timeline of productivity results that has potential to take an average life
to great heights. Switching gears for a moment, I am thinking of a popular underground Toronto
band that has been planning to release their debut album for years. What do I
think is the reason for their lack of musical tangibility? My thoughts are, an
easygoing, no expectations filled attitude and an abundance of conversations
that include phrases such as “Well get it done eventually”. I can only imagine
where this motley crew of talented mid 20 year olds could be in 6 months, in a
year, if they adapted a high level of expectations in regards to making this
album a reality. Expectations (within reason of course) can work as a motivator
and above all as the antithesis to complacency. Next time someone accuses you
of having them, be happy that you do.
How about dropping your emotional attachment to expectations?
ReplyDeleteI believe placing expectations on yourself is certainly a good way of creating the blueprint of your life, but I do feel that placing those expectations on someone else could, and often does, set one up for disappointment. It's good to know what you expect from others, but the emotional investment we often make in those that don't meet our expectations is what's discouraging. A good friend once told me " You have to train people on how to treat you", and this often requires a lot of patience and time.
Dropping your expectations doesn't mean that you give up, you know deep down what you really want anyways, it isn't like we can truly fool ourselves into believing that we don't want something, but it's the idea of separating desire (which drives us) from expectations (which is our way of dictating how the outcome must occur),
If people believe the world is here to satisfy them, whenever they begin to encounter their limitations, they become unhappy again. They don’t realize that the world and by that I mean anything in the world of form, physical form, some mental forms, or emotional forms cannot give you lasting fulfillment or satisfaction or tell you who you are. They don’t realize what they are looking for is on the formless level, and they’re seeking it on the level of form and that leads to the frustration of human existence.
So the important thing to realize is the world is not here to make me happy. When you don’t demand that the situation, or place, or person should make you happy, then actually the situation, place, or person is quite satisfying.
Think of it this way. When you go to a restaurant, you EXPECT the waiter or waitresses to be civil to you and not rude, right? You EXPECT them to not overcharge you, right?
ReplyDeleteTo drop expectations altogether is in a way saying you are fine with getting a bill and paying $25 for a pasta when you ordered one for $15. Why expect to pay the same thing you ordered.
With that said, why expect people to treat you the same way you treat them? That is what I am hearing...
To say, drop the emotional attachment to expectations is fine when you are dealing with non-personal relations but that’s a hard one (and would you even want to drop your emotions) if its in relation to a partner or a very close friend. Expect kindness and respect when you yourself have shown the same is what I’m about and so is this blog. Thank you for reading, nonetheless.
wonderful post Karina. compromise and bend, never break or give up. can't wait to read more of the OCD Mind.
ReplyDelete