Advice Is Overrated, Trust Only Yourself

I’m not sure what to make of people who are overly confident and dismiss any negative comments about themselves or something they have created. At one hand I gravitate towards them because I love the magnetic vibrance (the not so subtle aroma of “I’m the shit” can be intoxicating) that surrounds them. On another hand I often wonder, how can growth and progression occur if somebody is not open to hear unfavorable feedback?
         
I pose this question because I’m not sure which of the two I should be when I get negative feedback from a piece I had written. Why do people assume that others actually want to hear negative feedback from something they spent a whole Sunday writing? Where does it say that all opinions are welcome and should not only be heard but defended? I remember somebody once telling me how if one had written a piece they truly stood behind then defending it should come easily and with enthusiasm. Upon hearing that I remembered some business advice I heard once on television from Sara Blakely (CEO and founder of the multi-million dollar women’s undergarment company, Spanx). She discussed how she did not let a single person in her life know about her business venture until it was literally on the shelves ready to be bought. An odd decision, wouldn’t you say? I would assume the woman would ask every man and woman she knew for their opinion on the look of the garment, the sizing, and colors but she didn’t. When asked why she had done that she talked about the direct correlation between opinions (which will most likely be negative and filled with changes you ought to do versus praise) and your own insecurity and belief in the product. When you think about this approach, it all makes sense. How many times have you suggested a somewhat unusual or far out there idea to a friend or family member and been given the eye roll? How many times after that have you thought to yourself, “Yeah it was a stupid idea anyways”, and thrown that whole action of going forth with it aside? What I am trying to say here is that we many times allow the chirping of negative feedback (no doubt meant to be helpful) derail us from making our own dreams come true. Give yourself permission to think that you are brilliant and allow very few selected people to give you feedback. Above all though, stop looking for validation in the form of feedback outside of yourself. I find that the comments we allow to enter our creative zone help in laying out the foundational groundwork for which your product (whatever it is) is produced. If the product is built on your (and only your) belief that “Yes, it is great. Yes, I know people will want to listen, read or buy this”,  then how can it possibly fail? If it is built on doubt and hesitation (a result of endless feedback) then yes chances are it will fail. 

So where is all this coming from? See, I live with the pessimistic belief that people will want to break you down before they will want to build you up (I've seen it too many times in my life to think otherwise). So before you offer anything that is not a positive, ask yourself- where is it coming from? I for one always catch myself when I want to say anything ill of a local musician. Why you ask? Well, quite frankly, I am not in a band, I don’t play an instrument and so why would I add my two cents on something I myself cannot do? Every naysayer and unintentional ego crusher should only comment on things they themselves can do better. Don’t like a song a band just wrote? Write a better one. Don’t agree and think a blog post is rubbish? Start your own and put me to shame. Don’t like a piece of clothing someone made themselves? You better start sewing before you open your mouth critiquing how poorly of a job she did.             

Me writing this is not me sticking my middle finger to constructive criticism but rather its me saying that we live in a world where we are encouraged to get opinions and ask how others feel about something you produced and created. Just think about all the energy and time, the precious, precious energy and time that one wastes, excuse me, spends, getting feedback and then defending their work. Think about all the time you spend defending a piece of work that actually could have been spent making a new piece of music, writing, clothing, etc. The point is, once you invest that hour and your energy defending whatever it is you do, it is then that that hour and energy can never be reclaimed back and for what? To oppose somebody who probably rolls their eyes more than they can actually do with their hands and brain? I wonder if Van Gogh or Michael Foucault ever wanted feedback on their work? Why isn’t it enough for the person writing, creating or producing it to like it? It is in my book.  

Crack Smoking Politicians and the Unhappy Society

Tuesday November 5^th was not a good day for Rob Ford but he wasn’t the only one who grew red-faced that afternoon while admitting that he did in fact smoke crack. I did as well seeing how I was part of the large assembly of very passionate people (by God we meant well) who engaged in pubic forums (Facebook threads count), snickered at Thursday’s new issue of NOW Magazine (see: boycotted the publication) and spent considerable time and energy engaging in dialogue with friends, strangers, hell, anybody who’d listen, all while using phrases such as, “You don’t know the whole story… maybe there really is no tape…its all those leftists trying to get him”. Yeah that was me. My desire to not want to jump on the Rob Ford bandwagon was not so much a result of being naive but rather I live my life by the mantra that when is somebody is already down, there is no use in kicking them, even if they deserve it or better yet, even if they tripped by their own stupidity and boy did he ever.            

I’m not sure who Rob Ford truly is and we probably will never know but I’m take a good guess and say that he is somebody who believed that with great responsibility will come great power and excellent health benefits and it did. I wonder if self fulfillment and peace of mind were two things he also wanted out of this job? Too bad for him that seldom do great monetary rewards also come with being happy. The first part he’ll get as mayor, the latter is a lifelong journey rooted in self reflection and restraint. And so begs another question- why are most politicians so screwed up? Hell, why are we all so screwed up? We have human beings who become mayors of the greatest countries cities in the world and yet are unfulfilled and looking outside both their marriages and what is legal to feel just a bit more alive. Or maybe we human beings are all guilty of self sabotaging our picture perfect lives because at the core we don’t want to be happy or lack the tools of how to stay happy. Maybe we truly do want our lives in chaos. Deep inside maybe he really did want to get caught. How else do you explain Ford’s neat trail of coke crumbs?

Rob Ford however is not alone as the cliche, rich kid turned politician, turned alcohol and drug fiend. There are countless stories of unhappy, dare I say miserable people who are in high profile positions making choices about your life and your future. I thought notoriety and good pay was supposed to make us happy and keep us fulfilled? Guess not. What about the average Joe or Jane who also reaches out for outside and illegal comforts? Why do we continue to live in a society where people can formulate a Facebook status on a whim but lack the how to express when they need emotional comfort and help? Who would we ask for help, anyways? With everyone’s 12 hour workdays (that’s something to marvel at nowadays) we have become the multitasking and highly busy society of bees, all working away but not really going anywhere. We as a society have stopped focusing on what is truly important and have gotten further and further away from the basics. We are overworked/stressed out and look at alcohol and drugs as an escape that only leads us deeper into the lives we do not want and further into becoming the people we never wanted to be.

This is all not to make you feel sorry for the big guy, though. We are responsible for our own self destruction, just as Ford is. We have become so obsessed with our sense of unhappiness and entitlement that we do not even see that our vices, those perks we use to balance out the mundane of everyday life, will add on to our demise. How do we combat becoming a sad statistic? For starters, how about going into careers that you are suited for. Rob Ford is no doubt pale in comparison to the Ivy league educated, diplomatic, suave politician we have seen year in and year out (think: Mitt Romney). So why is he in politics? Because most of us have grown up with the idea that high ranking positions and careers rooted in notoriety and great medical benefits will make us happy. As Ford and so many before him have shown, it wont.  Rather, if you are not somebody whose foundation and merit is strong, the pressure will get the best of you. Besides, the man is happiest coaching high-school football not arguing about taxes.

Now that the dust has settled a bit we can ask ourselves: what’s the moral of this tragic story? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck? Besides that. How about the idea that we are living in an incredibly self-centered world where ego will reign over right and wrong any day of the week. How about the notion that lost and overweight little boys who don’t deal with their issues grow up to be lost, overweight, and now humiliated mayors of first class cities. Or better yet, lets discuss how much we as a society love to see people go down in crack smoking flames? Knowing what I know now, I’m still not sure whether I would have changed my stance in mid May. In a way I like that I gave another human being every benefit of the doubt, never mind that he let me down in the end. Even now, I still refuse to take my seat on the Rob Ford hate bandwagon because I know this is just a small story of a man who lost his way set within a bigger, demented picture that is only becoming uglier as time goes by and all the tiny fragmented pieces are dissected.

I Dont Want to be Liked By Everybody and Churchill Didnt Either.

In a sea of smiles that almost instantly turn into grunts when both people are no longer face to face, I sometimes wonder; how strong and real are the connections with the people we socialize with? But the bigger question is this, am I the only person who thinks they are doing something right/living an honest life when I find out that I've rubbed a few people the wrong the way? We all want to be within the circle of familiar interests and ideas that bind together strangers (that’s a given) but theres something incredibly unsettling about the person who is buddies and has nothing but smiles for everyone they have ever encountered. Have you ever come across someone who has never had a single confrontation with another? I have and I don’t envy them. Rather, I want to say to them, who are you, non-confrontational and lukewarm person? No, who are you really? Are you just a watered down version of who you truly are? Is making nicey nice with everyone that important to you?  I never did understand people who get along with everyone and have no enemies and maybe I never will. Its great if being liked is top priority but I cant help but feel that as we age and grow into the person we are meant to be, our circle of those we have a real connection with becomes smaller and tighter and consequently stronger.

I'm not liked by some. 

I've been misunderstood by a few.

I've rubbed people the wrong way and you know what, I like it like that.

"You Sold Out, Man!"

Few pictures in the music industry caused more backlash and fan resentment than the above image of the then newly short-haired boys from Metallica on their 1996 album, Load. I've never particularly liked talking about the politics of music (past and present) but last night I was reminded once again how public image and fan worship, or in this case, fan ridicule, lives on indefinitely. I’ve also never been of the theory that looks or most specifically, the length of one’s hair was the overriding factor to the credibility of the musical genre they belong to.  With the emphasis that it really should be all about the music why do we continue to want our rock stars long haired and in studded leather jackets. If it truly is all about the music then the foundation that is built on the credibility of a metalhead is never shaken because they now choose to have a crew cut.  With that in mind, last night I spent a good ten minutes being told that Metallica sold out in 1996; when they cut their hair and when Load became too “dancey” (their words). I wish it was the first time I heard this sentiment but unfortunately it was not. It was not the first time I heard someone view an individual or a group as a “sell out”. Rather, the words “sell out” and “poseur” are so entrenched in Youtube’s music video comment thread that one expects to be involved in a long discourse on it if they are bold enough to comment on a video they like. Few things are also more entertaining than witnessing people on a Facebook thread discuss who “sucks” and who “sold out”. With our frivolous categorization of who is a poseur and who is a sell-out by the length of hair and amount of riffs on an album, I gotta ask, whats next? Are were going out to count who has more glued on studs on a jacket to determine who is more badass? On that note, it always boggles my mind how fans and non-fans of a band think they are the overriding authority on who has 1. sold out 2. who is a “poseur fan” and 3. who has changed their music to appeal to a bigger demographic. Lets get one think clear- human beings are multidimensional and forever changing (and so are their musical preferences). Same goes with the musicians who make the music. If members of Sepultura woke up tomorrow and wanted to make a melodic country album, guess what? They can! Its called being a multifaceted human being and refusing to be pigeonholed into any sort of musical category.

Another fan friendly topic is who became “too mainstream”. Nowadays its as though fans get upset when “their” band gets moved to a larger venue. No, no, more people want to see them, it’s a good thing. And don’t even get me started if a self proclaimed die hard fan shows up to a show and does not approve of the demographic in attendance (usually by one's lack of black). So what if average Joe went to see Watain in his khakis and flannel shirt? Is the band no longer as heavy? Or better yet, is average Joe a poseur? Of course not! But being an ignorant purist fan has its drawbacks. Once you establish that you do not own a band or dictate the musical journey that will lead them, life will be so much better and maybe you will even get to discover new bands and sounds that you didn’t even know you liked because as much as you do not care to admit it, you too are multidimensional and non stagnant . Above all though, once fans curb the musical snobbiness that plagues the plethora of Toronto concert venues, we can actually have a music scene that is saturated in inclusion and belongingness rather than exclusion and the lowering of volume of a Euro dance song that you just happened to be in love with while wearing your studded black jacket and long beard. You can be into metal and like Euro dance, its ok metal soldier, they’ll understand. Even after you cut your hair.