Friend Drifters and the Self-Absorption of Constant Withdrawal and Space, Part 2

Now that we have identified the individuals who come and go into our lives as they see fit, the term I endearingly refer to as the friend drifter, let’s discuss how to go about approaching such people and maybe even beating them at their own game. Recently, a video caught my attention that was centered on the topic of what to do if people are being distant with you (such as not returning texts, phone calls and of course that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when there is some sort of underlying, cant-put-my-finger-on-it tension between you and someone you know). If you are a regular reader you know that I dedicated an entire post (titled: New Years Resolutions, Mine Tend To Be The Same) on how we should allow ourselves to feel comfortable with letting things be and leaving situations undefined and unresolved when you yourself have tried repeatedly to mend things. The video, much like my post, urged people to back off at the first feeling that you are being avoided; however, unlike my post it encouraged people to be understanding that others may be going through some heavy personal issues that may not even involve you and thus their distance is not a representation of their feelings toward you. In theory, that is a very reasonable point and I too have been guilty (mostly in my younger years) of withdrawing and purposefully excluding myself from friends who I really liked but did not want to be around due to my own personal issues. I get it, sometimes you just need a good break from everything and everyone for your well-being and sanity. Been there, done that, more times than I count. However, when the tables are turned and it is I who is being avoided and told “I have other issues to deal with”, I realize how self-absorbed and even a bit selfish that makes one comes across. Now before you label me as a (insert synonym for needy and demanding here) let me explain where I am coming from. As I get older I appreciate that much more the people I have in my life but saying you appreciate someone is not enough, you must actually show it. Distancing yourself (due to your own troubles) from someone and making them feel as if they had done something wrong is not showing appreciation but rather is the opposite of that. If you've read past posts then you know how much emphasis I put on communication and letting people know where they stand with you because at the end of the day, if somebody is feeling that you are distancing themselves because of something they have done when in reality they have not, you owe it to them to let that be known. We are in the age of constant communication through texting and emails but when faced with a straightforward question of, “What’s wrong, I feel distance between us. Is everything alright?” we go mum.

Also, the video urged for people to “try back” later on in a few months and see if their “distant friend” has come around and you two can pretend as if the “break” never happened. Sounds pretty nice, no? Just let time heal wounds and you two can pick up where you left off. Again, in theory, the logic behind this way of thinking is very reasonable but there is something about a friend who walks in and out of your life as they please that really does not sit well with me. Am I alone in this? I see the beauty of giving someone space however it makes me question who is in the driver’s seat of that particular friendship. If you are only communicating when they have the time, energy and desire to, then I cannot help but feel as if that friendship is centered around the other person’s time. To me a friendship, a real friendship, is when both people are accommodating to each other. A friendship is when you are not in the mood to reply but you see a friend is reaching out and you meet them half way due to the fact that you value this person as a friend. Just ignoring somebody who is trying or better yet coming back to them when you have dealt with your own issues is not being a friend. Yes, we must take care of our minds and make ourselves priority number one, but one can still be a friend while doing that. Why is it one or the other?

How I hope this post has inspired you? Well, that’s a three-fold answer. Firstly, I hope you realize that chasing people (even with good intent) is not the way to go. Don’t keep trying with people who are not showing you the same commitment and care but rather live by the tried and true mantra of “treat others as they do you.” In this case, if they don’t want to communicate and you are the only one doing all the work, well, why are you?

Secondly, spend less time on trying with people who don't show you the same care but rather use that precious time and energy on more important things such as developing new hobbies and interests, work, your family, and friends who actually appreciate you. And in the occurrences that they come back 8 months later and you are no longer interested, well, that’s the risk they took by withdrawing.

Lastly, if you are reading this and have rolled your eyes more than once than maybe you are the person who likes to withdraw, cut off all communication and see nothing wrong with it because you categorize it as taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. Are you a friend drifter, my dear reader? I will not argue with you that taking care of your well-being and putting that as priority numero uno is the pathway to obtaining emotional and mental health but you have to understand, those that keep reaching out to you are not doing it to be a nuisance, but rather do it because they genuinely miss and care for you. As mentioned, real friendship is meeting somebody half way and sometimes doing things you do not necessarily want to or have the time to. Responding and opening up a line of communication with someone who is clearly trying with you is how friendships are sustained and people feel acknowledged and respected versus ignored.

Friend Drifters and the Self-Absorption of Constant Withdrawal and Space, Part 1

I think you will agree with me when I say that we all have various categories of people in our lives. There are friends (usually they are only a handful- and that’s if you're lucky) who you can call at a time of crisis and know that your worry, anger, etc. will be met with compassion, well-intended advice and a genuine concern for what you are going through. Then there are the acquaintances and work friends who you are friendly with but lack the kind of intimacy you share with the former group and quite frankly, that’s the way you like it. There also exists however another group of people, the ones in between; the undefined group of friends who I refer to as the friend drifters. The friend drifters come and go into our lives when they see fit but make no mistake, when they do come around, there is some hot “makeup conversation” to be had that will usually leave you breathless and deliciously sweaty with giddiness. You enjoy the moments you have with them even more because you know deep inside they will not last; as many times before they will disappear (for what will feel like, off the the face of the earth), not return your calls or emails and act like nothing happening when they ring you up 15 months later and say, “What’s up hun, been a minute, eh?” I’m not sure what to make of these kind of people to be honest. The ones I have come across I care deeply about but am I the only one who feels as if I am always stopping and starting with them? By that I mean, when in your life the bond is so strong that you feel it will last a lifetime but when they adopt their gypsy living ways and you two do not talk for months, hell, sometimes even years, you can’t help but think to yourself, did I even have a real friend to begin with? Or better yet when a birthday rolls around and you don’t hear from them or something amazing happens in your life and you reach out to tell them but never get a response, you think, do they even care? Do they even remember me?

This entry is dedicated to those exact people; the gypsy living, I-need-an-abundant-amount-of-me-time-type individuals who guilt us when we call them out on their excess need for space and withdrawal during both the ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives. When confronted they will usually urge us to be more self-sufficient and less of a nag and just let them have whatever space they need for as long as they need to. And that’s if you are lucky. Many times your calls wont even get so much as a response but when the urge to come back strikes, we are to welcome them with open arms and act as if they never ignored every email that came their way in the last 6 months. As mentioned, if you call those individuals out they will preach to you the laws of giving people space and worst of all, make you feel like a demanding, needy nag. So much so that most of us give up on the friendship altogether. Make no mistake though, its not because we want to (most times we will still care for them in spite of being ignored and forgotten) bur rather, it becomes too much of an emotional burden to hold on.

It's important to note however that both people need to put in the time and energy to keep a friendship alive. This entry is for those who receive emails and calls from people who are putting in the effort but lack doing the same in return. A scenario where both people forget each other's birthdays, anniversaries and overall are both guilty of not staying in touch is entirely different from the one I am emphasizing here. In that situation both people are equally at fault for why lack of quality time together has created distance and lack of familiarity in what was once very real and very strong.

You would think that living in an age where throwing all responsibility out the window and giving yourself “me time” is praised, I would get a little more comfortable with friend drifters but I never have. In theory, I appreciate the notion of taking time for yourself and and unlike our mothers and the generation of women before them, present day women are urged to put themselves first and if time, energy and desire allows, invest in a husband and children. In my experience however there exists a fine line between taking time for yourself and becoming a self-absorbed, what-do-I-need-right-now type individual who time and time again forgets birthdays and only checks in when they see fit.

And of course some people will turn around and say that some connections are so vibrant and embedded that two people will not talk for years but then come back and its as if both never left. That exists, I wont deny that, but in my friendship rule book (make no mistake, I have one) people who care about me must be present or at least acknowledge when important events and milestones are achieved in my own life. If you missed me telling you how I felt waking up on my 29^th birthday knowing that I am entering the last year of my twenties, the birth of a baby, or some other important event, then how are you a part of my life, my real life?

On that note, I have to ask: if you are in a friendship (or even a relationship) where someone is coming and going as they please (whenever you please), then isn’t that friendship built around convenience rather than genuine loyalty and care? Simply put, I come from a place and live with the belief that friendship and all those feelings that come along with caring about somebody, need to go hand in hand with actions that parallel such feelings. It is not enough to say that you are a good friend, one must show that they are a good friend and in my friendship rule book, acknowledging milestones, living together through crises as well as celebrating the ecstatic times and being present when it counts, is the way to do so.