I think you will agree with me when I say that we all have various categories of people in our lives. There are friends (usually they are only a handful- and that’s if you're lucky) who you can call at a time of crisis and know that your worry, anger, etc. will be met with compassion, well-intended advice and a genuine concern for what you are going through. Then there are the acquaintances and work friends who you are friendly with but lack the kind of intimacy you share with the former group and quite frankly, that’s the way you like it. There also exists however another group of people, the ones in between; the undefined group of friends who I refer to as the friend drifters. The friend drifters come and go into our lives when they see fit but make no mistake, when they do come around, there is some hot “makeup conversation” to be had that will usually leave you breathless and deliciously sweaty with giddiness. You enjoy the moments you have with them even more because you know deep inside they will not last; as many times before they will disappear (for what will feel like, off the the face of the earth), not return your calls or emails and act like nothing happening when they ring you up 15 months later and say, “What’s up hun, been a minute, eh?” I’m not sure what to make of these kind of people to be honest. The ones I have come across I care deeply about but am I the only one who feels as if I am always stopping and starting with them? By that I mean, when in your life the bond is so strong that you feel it will last a lifetime but when they adopt their gypsy living ways and you two do not talk for months, hell, sometimes even years, you can’t help but think to yourself, did I even have a real friend to begin with? Or better yet when a birthday rolls around and you don’t hear from them or something amazing happens in your life and you reach out to tell them but never get a response, you think, do they even care? Do they even remember me?
This entry is dedicated to those exact people; the gypsy living, I-need-an-abundant-amount-of-me-time-type individuals who guilt us when we call them out on their excess need for space and withdrawal during both the ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives. When confronted they will usually urge us to be more self-sufficient and less of a nag and just let them have whatever space they need for as long as they need to. And that’s if you are lucky. Many times your calls wont even get so much as a response but when the urge to come back strikes, we are to welcome them with open arms and act as if they never ignored every email that came their way in the last 6 months. As mentioned, if you call those individuals out they will preach to you the laws of giving people space and worst of all, make you feel like a demanding, needy nag. So much so that most of us give up on the friendship altogether. Make no mistake though, its not because we want to (most times we will still care for them in spite of being ignored and forgotten) bur rather, it becomes too much of an emotional burden to hold on.
It's important to note however that both people need to put in the time and energy to keep a friendship alive. This entry is for those who receive emails and calls from people who are putting in the effort but lack doing the same in return. A scenario where both people forget each other's birthdays, anniversaries and overall are both guilty of not staying in touch is entirely different from the one I am emphasizing here. In that situation both people are equally at fault for why lack of quality time together has created distance and lack of familiarity in what was once very real and very strong.
You would think that living in an age where throwing all responsibility out the window and giving yourself “me time” is praised, I would get a little more comfortable with friend drifters but I never have. In theory, I appreciate the notion of taking time for yourself and and unlike our mothers and the generation of women before them, present day women are urged to put themselves first and if time, energy and desire allows, invest in a husband and children. In my experience however there exists a fine line between taking time for yourself and becoming a self-absorbed, what-do-I-need-right-now type individual who time and time again forgets birthdays and only checks in when they see fit.
And of course some people will turn around and say that some connections are so vibrant and embedded that two people will not talk for years but then come back and its as if both never left. That exists, I wont deny that, but in my friendship rule book (make no mistake, I have one) people who care about me must be present or at least acknowledge when important events and milestones are achieved in my own life. If you missed me telling you how I felt waking up on my 29th birthday knowing that I am entering the last year of my twenties, the birth of a baby, or some other important event, then how are you a part of my life, my real life?
On that note, I have to ask: if you are in a friendship (or even a relationship) where someone is coming and going as they please (whenever you please), then isn’t that friendship built around convenience rather than genuine loyalty and care? Simply put, I come from a place and live with the belief that friendship and all those feelings that come along with caring about somebody, need to go hand in hand with actions that parallel such feelings. It is not enough to say that you are a good friend, one must show that they are a good friend and in my friendship rule book, acknowledging milestones, living together through crises as well as celebrating the ecstatic times and being present when it counts, is the way to do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment