Now that we have identified the individuals who come and go into our lives as they see fit, the term I endearingly refer to as the friend drifter, let’s discuss how to go about approaching such people and maybe even beating them at their own game. Recently, a video caught my attention that was centered on the topic of what to do if people are being distant with you (such as not returning texts, phone calls and of course that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when there is some sort of underlying, cant-put-my-finger-on-it tension between you and someone you know). If you are a regular reader you know that I dedicated an entire post (titled: New Years Resolutions, Mine Tend To Be The Same) on how we should allow ourselves to feel comfortable with letting things be and leaving situations undefined and unresolved when you yourself have tried repeatedly to mend things. The video, much like my post, urged people to back off at the first feeling that you are being avoided; however, unlike my post it encouraged people to be understanding that others may be going through some heavy personal issues that may not even involve you and thus their distance is not a representation of their feelings toward you. In theory, that is a very reasonable point and I too have been guilty (mostly in my younger years) of withdrawing and purposefully excluding myself from friends who I really liked but did not want to be around due to my own personal issues. I get it, sometimes you just need a good break from everything and everyone for your well-being and sanity. Been there, done that, more times than I count. However, when the tables are turned and it is I who is being avoided and told “I have other issues to deal with”, I realize how self-absorbed and even a bit selfish that makes one comes across. Now before you label me as a (insert synonym for needy and demanding here) let me explain where I am coming from. As I get older I appreciate that much more the people I have in my life but saying you appreciate someone is not enough, you must actually show it. Distancing yourself (due to your own troubles) from someone and making them feel as if they had done something wrong is not showing appreciation but rather is the opposite of that. If you've read past posts then you know how much emphasis I put on communication and letting people know where they stand with you because at the end of the day, if somebody is feeling that you are distancing themselves because of something they have done when in reality they have not, you owe it to them to let that be known. We are in the age of constant communication through texting and emails but when faced with a straightforward question of, “What’s wrong, I feel distance between us. Is everything alright?” we go mum.
Also, the video urged for people to “try back” later on in a few months and see if their “distant friend” has come around and you two can pretend as if the “break” never happened. Sounds pretty nice, no? Just let time heal wounds and you two can pick up where you left off. Again, in theory, the logic behind this way of thinking is very reasonable but there is something about a friend who walks in and out of your life as they please that really does not sit well with me. Am I alone in this? I see the beauty of giving someone space however it makes me question who is in the driver’s seat of that particular friendship. If you are only communicating when they have the time, energy and desire to, then I cannot help but feel as if that friendship is centered around the other person’s time. To me a friendship, a real friendship, is when both people are accommodating to each other. A friendship is when you are not in the mood to reply but you see a friend is reaching out and you meet them half way due to the fact that you value this person as a friend. Just ignoring somebody who is trying or better yet coming back to them when you have dealt with your own issues is not being a friend. Yes, we must take care of our minds and make ourselves priority number one, but one can still be a friend while doing that. Why is it one or the other?
How I hope this post has inspired you? Well, that’s a three-fold answer. Firstly, I hope you realize that chasing people (even with good intent) is not the way to go. Don’t keep trying with people who are not showing you the same commitment and care but rather live by the tried and true mantra of “treat others as they do you.” In this case, if they don’t want to communicate and you are the only one doing all the work, well, why are you?
Secondly, spend less time on trying with people who don't show you the same care but rather use that precious time and energy on more important things such as developing new hobbies and interests, work, your family, and friends who actually appreciate you. And in the occurrences that they come back 8 months later and you are no longer interested, well, that’s the risk they took by withdrawing.
Lastly, if you are reading this and have rolled your eyes more than once than maybe you are the person who likes to withdraw, cut off all communication and see nothing wrong with it because you categorize it as taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. Are you a friend drifter, my dear reader? I will not argue with you that taking care of your well-being and putting that as priority numero uno is the pathway to obtaining emotional and mental health but you have to understand, those that keep reaching out to you are not doing it to be a nuisance, but rather do it because they genuinely miss and care for you. As mentioned, real friendship is meeting somebody half way and sometimes doing things you do not necessarily want to or have the time to. Responding and opening up a line of communication with someone who is clearly trying with you is how friendships are sustained and people feel acknowledged and respected versus ignored.
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