How to Stay In the Friend Zone/How to Tell If You Are In It

It has come to my attention that Internet land is saturated with helpful advice and interesting tidbits on how to win over your crush, aka- get out of the supposedly dreaded “friend zone”. What is missing however is a guide on how to remain in that platonic space of dutch dinners and only getting breakfast together because one of you passed out (fully clothed of course) from a night of video games and drinking and the other didn’t have the heart to wake you up and kick you out. Feel free to also use this guide to decode whether or not someone likes you by making note if they repeatedly do the opposite of the points listed below. 

1. Keep your vocabulary friendly but formal and casual. 

As somebody who has always had a fascination with words, meanings and their symbolic expressions, I just can't help but see a drastic difference between the tone, word usage and even mannerisms between someone who is talking to somebody they are into versus a friend or an acquaintance. The latter will have a friendly tone but lack that intimate dimension. Someone who likes you (perhaps unconsciously) will say things like, “I wanna see you” or, “Let's set a date.” Somebody who only wants to be your friend wants to remain casual and nothing is more casual than referring to seeing each other as mere “hang outs”. Like somebody who is always referring to spending time with you as, "hanging out"? Time to get slightly worried.

Be mindful of also not using terms like, “us” or “we”. There is something so intimate about referring to yourself and somebody else as a “we” or an “us’. Lack thereof is an unconscious marker that they want you both to remain as two distinct bodies; “you and I” not “we”. 

2. Don’t be "touchy feely". 

In my experience, boys who I am into I want to touch and be playful with. The boys I am not attracted to I do not touch, be it their face or the granddaddy of all romantic gestures: simply holding their hand for no apparent reason except that I want to. If you ever sit at a bar and make note of the dynamics between the women and men conversing you can almost always see who is together and who is just “hanging out”. Two people who are into each other will be touching, even if their hands are just slightly brushing up against each other as they talk. When you lack that sexual chemistry there is just no longing to touch them. 

Another marker of whether or not they like you is how brief their hugs are when they see you. Are their hugs friendly but quick or do they resemble more of an embrace? When you like someone, a "hey, how are you" hug is another opportunity to touch them, be close to them and most often you will want that moment to last; maybe even take it as an opportunity to smell their hair (“Hmm, I wonder which shampoo he uses..." Okay, you can get creeped out now). So if your crush’s hug lasts no more than 3 seconds, hate to say it but you sir (or madam) are probably in the friend zone.  

3. Talk about other guys or girls you are interested in. 

Think about it, when you are interested in somebody would you ever bring up that hot blonde across the bar or make note of the lead singer? No you wouldn’t. Why? Well, for starters you wouldn’t want them to feel as if there are others pinning for your attention and most importantly, you would want them to know it is them you want, not the hot blonde or the lead singer. When you just want to be friends you openly and casually talk about other people you are interested in because hey, that’s what friends do. And the best part, nobody feels jealous or torn up by it. Want to see if a friend likes you? Just watch their facial expressions when you tell them about the girl you met and spent 2 hours talking to last night at Bovine. If she doesn't flinch and is genuinely happy for you then its time to wake up and smell the Jägermeister. You know why? Because it's friend zone time! 

4. Always hang out within a group setting. 

When you like someone you want to spend time together one-on-one. Like a girl but only see her within a group hang out? Okay, there is still hope. Like a girl but she has denied any get together where it would only be the two of you? You are in the friend zone, sorry bud. 

5. Don't follow-up.

I have left the biggest marker of whether or not you are merely a friend or a romantic potential by the rule of what I like to refer to as, “did they follow-up?” Have you asked to see each other (one-on-one) and they replied with, “I’m really busy with my blog these days”? Okay, no big deal, there is still hope. Hey, the girl's gotta blog, right? Have you asked them to see each other, they said they were busy and never followed up with “This week is not good but I’m free next Thursday”? Yeah, I think you sir have been friend-ed. Realize, someone who likes you will make the time to see you. If there is no follow-up or better yet if you are the one always initiating (and getting turned down) then maybe they are not into you, bro/girl. Actually, I’m pretty certain they are not. How do I know? Well, as someone who has a job, writes a blog and can be found lurking on Queen West on any given weekend, let me be clear that when I meet someone I like I make the time. No excuses. And I’d like to think every other living and breathing person is the same way. 

If you read this and your heart sank just a little deeper with each point, well, dear reader, my advice to you is to remain exactly where you are: in the friend zone. The truth is, somebody who sees your romantic potential, somebody who wants you makes it be known whether it is done directly or through awkward and nervous gestures. Realize that some people are meant to be only your friends and not because the universe is unfair but because usually there is somebody else better suited for you just waiting to meet you. Somebody who wont make you read blogs and decode whether they want you or not.