Confessions of an Ex-Groupie Wannabe/Current Music Fanatic

Growing up a Guns N' Roses and 80s metal obsessed teenager in the suburbs of North York was hard. Not because there were no concert venues nearby or that my beloved Queen West was a somewhat trek away, but because nobody I knew listened to the same music I did. Simply put, metalheads didn’t go to Northview and the closest I got to some were Ryan and Jason who listened to Limp Bizkit and the Chinese kid who humored me and allowed me to go on and on about how Chinese Democracy was going to come out one day (Oh, and it did). Yeah, life was hard but what made it just a little bit easier was the belief and the dream that I would grow up, become of legal age and spend every weekend at concert venues I wasn’t allowed to go ten feet near. Hitting up shows at the Opera House, being a regular at the Kathedral, that was gonna be me. Another fantasy was exploring romantic waters with musicians. I don’t mean to sound cliché but when I was younger, if you had long hair, tattoos, were carrying a guitar case and had a “fuck off, world" vibe to you, I wanted to know you. Everyone has a type and tattooed musicians were mine. As a teenager I’d watch the dynamic between Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour in November Rain or Don’t Cry and wanted that. Same goes with Tawny Kitaen and David Coverdale. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to get my very own rock star and if he wanted to make a video with me dancing and posing on the hood of a Jaguar, hey, I wouldn’t stop him. Backstage passes, me doing bad things to tattooed bodies and Jager shots, yes folks, these are the priorities and dreams of a teenage girl. It was all going to be so beautiful. I’d escape the suburbs of North York and my life would be the real life version of Almost Famous (minus of course the time Kate Hudson’s character takes a bottle of pills and tries to kill herself when her musician lover goes back to his wife).

At around 19-20, when a lot of my friends were choosing their first year programs at university and I was planning my big escape (somewhere hot and tattooed musician plentiful) I asked myself, “Do I really wanna become that girl right now? Maybe I should try out the whole university thing first? Hey, I can always be a part-time groupie.” And so I did just that. I enrolled in a 4 year Political Science B.A. program at York University and my groupie dreams were put on the shelf, next to my collection of Rolling Stone and Spin magazines and my very own copy of Pamela Des Barres' "I'm With The Band." I did first year and second year and during third year my groupie dream still had not subsided. As someone who doesn’t believe in suppressing any urge, I decided that I needed to live out my groupie dream once and for all. Luckily for me a friend of mine had his own promotion company and coincidentally was looking for a ticket girl. It’s like it was meant to be, I thought and it kinda was. I remember the first ever concert I decided I was gonna go home with the lead singer of the headline band. I was surprised how easy it all was. He introduced himself to me, he flirted with me and when he dedicated the last song to me I thought, “This is your chance, ol' girl”. To make a long story short, we ended up in the hotel room he was staying at with the rest of his band mates in the next suite and everything was going as my teenage self had planned. There was just one problem, there was a jolt of hesitation running through me that I desperately tried to suppress as he kept on kissing me. Is this really what I want? How come this doesn’t feel right? I just met the guy. If my mother could see me now. All these thoughts went through my head over and over and like a somewhat shock to my body, it was then I realized, I could never be a groupie. Why? Looks alone and a talent to play music was not enough for me. Simple as that. 

With such an epiphany came a whole new outlook and a series of questions I still sometimes do not have the answers to. The first one is no doubt, why are women so attracted to musicians in the first place? For me it’s the mutual love of music. I live for music, whether it’s buying CDs/tapes (yes, I still collect tapes), copping a concert tee or shelling out a week's pay for a live experience. Personally, I get the shakes if I don't see live music for two weeks. So of course the moment I meet a musician I think there is a potential bond over our mutual love for music. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't. 

Def Leppard, Molson Amphitheatre, 2011

I also have this other theory that women will be in a room of 4 guys, 3 of them are ready to date her and the one guy who is kinda, sorta interested will be the one she’ll be pinning for. In other words, the aura of the unavailable, too busy for you, “You expect me to remember Valentines? Sweetheart, I only remember gig days”, musician is kinda irresistible to most girls. Maybe deep inside every girl wants to tame somebody; wants to be the one who made him “settle down”. Hey, if Aunt Becky was successful with mullet sportin', rock club playing Uncle Jesse then why can’t I?

As mentioned though, the initial reasons for wanting to chase musicians was a bit different. I think at the core, I gravitate towards the unusual, the unordinary; maybe even a bit dangerous but the mutual love for music has to be there. If we meet and you know more Guns N' Roses trivia than I do, babe, it’s on.

With that said, since I spent so much of my youth idolizing both rock stars and the groupies who love them, I was inherently interested with the premiere of the Ex-Wives of Rock. If you are unfamiliar with it, let me bring you up to speed. The Ex-Wives of Rock is a show centered around 4 women who were previously married to well known musicians; Bobby Brown to the late Jani Lane, Athena Lee to James Kottack, Sharise Neil to Vince Neil and Susan Dixon to Jerry Dixon. I wish I can say all the women are still happily married or at the very least thriving but that’s not the case. Bobby (the 90s Cherry Pie video vixen every wannabe groupie still idolizes) is living in a one bedroom apartment and has her upcoming memoir about how it felt being a groupie as her only source of income. Of course, the lives of these four women are not the definitive representation of how every wannabe groupie ended up. I’m sure somewhere far away there is rock star and groupie duo who just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and don't have a long history of extramarital affairs. I'm sure they exist, I just cant think of any at the moment. 

If the ghost of groupies past has taught me anything, it’s that if you are going to focus and idolize anyone, make sure it's your own self. This is not me advocating for one to be self-absorbed but rather what I’m trying to say is, you can't depend on anyone other than yourself. The only person who will always have your best interest at heart is yourself. The only person who will take you from point A to point K is yourself. Sure, if you say all the right things somebody can do that for you but you are the only person who can keep yourself there. Of course you can fall in love and be the small percentage of people who makes it but anything you have with somebody else should be built on a solid foundation of the self, first and foremost. Besides, how the hell are you going to get anything accomplished if your whole life involves either waiting for sound check to finish or partying it up in the VIP area?  Sounds like a lot of effort and time just to say, "Guess who I met/partied with?"

At the end of the day (and if you are a regular reader you know this) I say, to each their own. Wanna sleep with musicians for bragging rights? Go for it, girl, I ain't mad at ya. I just wonder where would I be if my teenage plan came into fruitation; if I actually moved God knows where and chased God knows who. Maybe I'd have some wicked stories to share but the fact is, I still have some wicked stories to share, I've seen every group that was on my teenage bucket list (yes, including Guns N' Roses), I have met many musicians and I did all this while still keeping (most) of my morals intact. 

I’ll admit it, I’m still fascinated by the whole rocknrolla lifestyle but am I willing to shell out my body to whoever is interested just to be apart of that world? No, I’m not. Am I also willing to spend hours waiting outside hotel rooms and begging roadies for a glimpse of someone? Sorry, not this wannabe groupie. If it means I only watch the whole thing from afar, well then, so be it. I actually still cringe when I see episodes of Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. Not because it’s utterly vulgar and half of the women only have their GED but because it stereotypes every single groupie as dumb and simple. It's like they are all willing to give it up just because of a person’s celebrity or music scene cred. I will never be that girl. 

Don’t get it twisted though, if there is a type, long hair, tattooed and guitar case in hand is still mine but do I think women should sleep with men for the sake of all those things? Hell to the no. To get in my leather pants, yes, long hair and tattoos helps but character will be the deciding factor. I also don’t think women should define their lives on who they have bedded and the social status of that person. I don’t care if he’s the lead singer in one band and drums in another, if there’s no connection or chemistry, what’s the point? Another notch in my belt just to say I did? Nah, so much more better things to do, books to read and blog posts to write. 

Helix, Horseshoe Tavern, 2006.

What I am advocating is being your own rock star and focusing foremost on yourself and getting your life to the next level. What are your dreams in this whole boy crazy, rock star chasing tsunami? Where do you wanna be in 5, 10, 15 years? Why are you riding someone else’s coattails when your very own chariot awaits? Those are the questions I wanna ask but refrain when I see a new crop of 19 year old groupies on the scene. Maybe they are how I was, in love with the music, intoxicated by the whole vibe of the Toronto music/concert scene and all those other things that make most of us happily hand over our last $20 for a live show. Maybe they think if they get a piece of the lead singer then they’ll be that much closer to everything. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. For those wondering if this is an anti-groupie, pro-celibacy or neofeminist piece. Please, know, it’s none of those things. It’s a simple, do you, girl, piece. The world is your oyster, you are the rock star and home band of your life and everyone you meet is simply a visiting opening act.

Facebook Etiquette, Trolling and Top 10 Ways We Can Make The Book Read Worthy Again.

Ever had a day of reminiscing about your old junior high school days because of a “throwback thursday” picture you last saw floating around on ICQ in 1999? I have. Ever got told about a show you would have never known about had you not used Facebook? Been there, done that. Ever had your day completely turned around by a really gushy comment on how photogenic you looked in your new profile pic? Great feeling, ain’t it? With that said, I will be the first one to admit that Facebook has more benefits than disadvantages and (if used thoughtfully) will cause more smiles than frowns but if that is true why are an increasing amount of people deactivating their account and never looking back? Do these people belong to the anti-social group that does not get off on “likes”? Do they seriously not want their friends to know (with photographic proof of course) the amazing meal they just finished at Morton’s? What’s the deal because if Facebook is all that it's cracked up to be then why are people putting down The Book and burning their library card altogether? I cannot speak for everyone but the majority of people I have talked to have logged off because certain experiences have left such a bitter taste in their mouth that they left their meal midway, paid their bill, wrote a bad review on Yelp and never ever looked back. The conversations I had with people on why they left all share a common theme and that is a lack of thoughtfulness among Facebook users. I get it, you can’t actually see me when you insult me and so there is a certain level of chutzpah to you that goes out the window once you are face to face with me. With that said, I present to you my 10 ways that Facebook can be improved.

1. Respect other people’s privacy.

I’ve always found it quite amazing how concerned Facebook users are about their own privacy but are completely oblivious (or just don’t care) when it comes to other people’s. Spotting a girl with a really low cut dress who has been blessed with ample assets and making a comment to one of your friends about it is fine. I mean seriously, why do you think she wore it, so you boys can talk about her among each other. Taking a picture of her with “greattits” as the hashtag? Not so much. Respect the fact that some people may not want their face or body plastered on the internet. If you get your panties in a bunch over the thought of your party pictures appearing somewhere other than where you intended to post them, well then shouldn’t you have that same passion and respect for other people’s privacy?

2. Self- promote intelligently. 

Do not feel bad about promoting your band, your new cookbook or your growing vintage clothing store on Etsy but do it in a way where you leave people wanting more. Think of a great first date. You are encouraged to open up but shouldn’t you do it in a way where they are left wanting more? You are allowed, repeat you are allowed to promote your band, your song and your blog because shameless self promotion and advertisement is why we are all here but make sure it is done without the bombardment of constant messages and requests for “likes”.   

3. Treat commenting on statuses, pictures and event invites as if you are visiting someone’s home.

Facebook never did have a word limit for commenting on statuses and the result is a desire to write long comments that may or may not come off as lectures. I know the action itself is tempting but like someone once told me, commenting on something is much like visiting somebody’s home. Be respectful, courteous and above all, do not overstay your welcome. Also, be mindful of whose home you are visiting. Not taking your shoes off and walking around with a beer in your hand is cool at your buddy’s house but would you do that when visiting your parents?

4. Don’t be a "Wall Nagger". 

There are people who for some reason or other do not use private messages and will post every video and comment directly on your Wall. Please don’t do that. Also, just because you see when mutual friends post on each other people's wall, that doesn’t mean that is your invitation to chime in. Be mindful when two people are having a conversation on a Wall. Just because you see it doesn’t mean your 2 cents are needed.  Also, don’t assume you know the nature of the relationship of two people. If you see someone commenting on someone’s wall with something you find as derogatory, perhaps it's done intentionally because there is a hilarious back story. Some people have a sarcastic banter that defines their friendship, respect that. If it’s not addressed to you personally it’s not for you.

5. Let exes be. 

This is a hard one because God knows we’ve all been there. It can get so tempting to creep your ex and/or their new boyfriend or girlfriend but that can really suck you into an unpleasant abyss of jealousy, bitterness and regret. You guys broke up for a reason. Remember, the more time you spend creeping their profile, the less time you are devoting to your own life. Let him or her go, seriously.

6. Don't be jealous of anyone on your friends list. 

There is this myth that your pictures and statuses are the real you and though they represent some aspects of you they are not the definitive representation of a person or their lifestyle. Remember, profile pictures (all cheerful and smiley) are not always an indication of how we truly feel in our real lives. The most social Facebook user hasn’t left her home in 2 weeks and the person with the 112 likes on their new FB profile pic doesn’t know half of the people on their list. My favourite though is the person who has clicked “attending” to 4 events over the weekend and when asked how they were they reply with, “Nah, just stayed in.” True story, folks. Things are not as they seem, never forget that.

7. Be provocative and opinionated but don’t start drama where there isn’t any.

Trolling is an interesting term because on some levels I think it is used too loosely in reference to somebody who merely expresses themselves to the fullest. Isn’t commentary the very essence of Facebook? It is but there is a fine line between being somebody who expresses themselves and somebody who comments in a way that hints that the other person is a moron. Call me over-analytical but before I post I ask myself two questions: 1. Will this be utterly offensive? and 2. How well do I know the person? If its somebody I see and party with regularly then its fine to throw in a sarcastic dig here and there because chances are we will see each Friday and laugh about it but be careful about how you comment on threads to people you do not know very well. Remember, (and I had to learn this one too) a status is not always an invitation for a debate. Sometimes it is merely an expression of how they feel and your (unintentional and well meaning) two cents are redundant. And if you are gonna debate then make sure it is done so in a way that the other person does not feel attacked. On that note, whatever happened to seeing a status that really rubs you the wrong way and messaging someone quietly and privately? No big fuss or public shaming, just politely letting them know why you (and maybe others) may have been offended by such a status.

8. Don’t openly insult people by name. 

Openly and carelessly criticizing people by name or hinting at a certain person makes you look like a passive aggressive teenager who just got ICQ and needs to tell the whole world how much they have been hurt. It wasn’t cool then and it’s certainly not cool now. Besides, ever heard of defamation of character? Well, that shit’s real. Don’t believe me just Google the words, Courtney Love, libel and Twitter and see what comes up. 

9. Curb the graphic and disturbing images you think will mean well. 

Yes, sharing graphic images of animals being slaughtered with the intent of spreading awareness for PETA is honourable but you need to understand that people have varying degrees of sensitivity and tolerance. Same goes with people who post pictures of blown up heads for some kind of PSA for “Stop the Violence”. As someone on your Facebook list, I should have a choice whether or not I want to be exposed to (real life) gore but once you publicly share that photo it slips faster into my Newsfeed than you can say, “unfollow”. 

10. Be good to each other. 

Such a simple yet complicated mantra, right? Being nice to people you don’t see regularly but know what they ate the day before. To me Facebook should be a place of enjoyment. Like one of those softly-cushioned blown up playhouses where you run into things but it doesn’t hurt when you actually collide with something; it’s just purely enjoyment. No comment should ruin someone’s day. EVER. Let Facebook be a place where people do not have anxiety about logging in but rather continue to see it as a place of enjoyment and above all, inclusion rather than exclusion. Let’s celebrate each other, not bash and annoy.

At this moment you are probably saying, “I don’t get this chick, her last post was called, The Shards of Being the Overly Expressive Girl, and now she is telling me to censor my commentary? Who are you, girl?, and my response is this: yes, I am the overly expressive girl who doesn’t believe in “swept under the rug” kind of friendships but to deliberately attack another human being with words seen on a computer screen is hardly ever justified. If somebody posts something you really find offensive, respond to them privately and discreetly. Don’t make a spectacle and get other parties involved. The truth is, a lot of people are deactivating their account because the experience of Facebook is no longer fun and is becoming saturated in anxiety and negative comments. People are getting off the wild ride that is Facebook, don’t be the reason they are.