Confessions of an Ex-Groupie Wannabe/Current Music Fanatic

Growing up a Guns N' Roses and 80s metal obsessed teenager in the suburbs of North York was hard. Not because there were no concert venues nearby or that my beloved Queen West was a somewhat trek away, but because nobody I knew listened to the same music I did. Simply put, metalheads didn’t go to Northview and the closest I got to some were Ryan and Jason who listened to Limp Bizkit and the Chinese kid who humored me and allowed me to go on and on about how Chinese Democracy was going to come out one day (Oh, and it did). Yeah, life was hard but what made it just a little bit easier was the belief and the dream that I would grow up, become of legal age and spend every weekend at concert venues I wasn’t allowed to go ten feet near. Hitting up shows at the Opera House, being a regular at the Kathedral, that was gonna be me. Another fantasy was exploring romantic waters with musicians. I don’t mean to sound cliché but when I was younger, if you had long hair, tattoos, were carrying a guitar case and had a “fuck off, world" vibe to you, I wanted to know you. Everyone has a type and tattooed musicians were mine. As a teenager I’d watch the dynamic between Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour in November Rain or Don’t Cry and wanted that. Same goes with Tawny Kitaen and David Coverdale. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to get my very own rock star and if he wanted to make a video with me dancing and posing on the hood of a Jaguar, hey, I wouldn’t stop him. Backstage passes, me doing bad things to tattooed bodies and Jager shots, yes folks, these are the priorities and dreams of a teenage girl. It was all going to be so beautiful. I’d escape the suburbs of North York and my life would be the real life version of Almost Famous (minus of course the time Kate Hudson’s character takes a bottle of pills and tries to kill herself when her musician lover goes back to his wife).

At around 19-20, when a lot of my friends were choosing their first year programs at university and I was planning my big escape (somewhere hot and tattooed musician plentiful) I asked myself, “Do I really wanna become that girl right now? Maybe I should try out the whole university thing first? Hey, I can always be a part-time groupie.” And so I did just that. I enrolled in a 4 year Political Science B.A. program at York University and my groupie dreams were put on the shelf, next to my collection of Rolling Stone and Spin magazines and my very own copy of Pamela Des Barres' "I'm With The Band." I did first year and second year and during third year my groupie dream still had not subsided. As someone who doesn’t believe in suppressing any urge, I decided that I needed to live out my groupie dream once and for all. Luckily for me a friend of mine had his own promotion company and coincidentally was looking for a ticket girl. It’s like it was meant to be, I thought and it kinda was. I remember the first ever concert I decided I was gonna go home with the lead singer of the headline band. I was surprised how easy it all was. He introduced himself to me, he flirted with me and when he dedicated the last song to me I thought, “This is your chance, ol' girl”. To make a long story short, we ended up in the hotel room he was staying at with the rest of his band mates in the next suite and everything was going as my teenage self had planned. There was just one problem, there was a jolt of hesitation running through me that I desperately tried to suppress as he kept on kissing me. Is this really what I want? How come this doesn’t feel right? I just met the guy. If my mother could see me now. All these thoughts went through my head over and over and like a somewhat shock to my body, it was then I realized, I could never be a groupie. Why? Looks alone and a talent to play music was not enough for me. Simple as that. 

With such an epiphany came a whole new outlook and a series of questions I still sometimes do not have the answers to. The first one is no doubt, why are women so attracted to musicians in the first place? For me it’s the mutual love of music. I live for music, whether it’s buying CDs/tapes (yes, I still collect tapes), copping a concert tee or shelling out a week's pay for a live experience. Personally, I get the shakes if I don't see live music for two weeks. So of course the moment I meet a musician I think there is a potential bond over our mutual love for music. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't. 

Def Leppard, Molson Amphitheatre, 2011

I also have this other theory that women will be in a room of 4 guys, 3 of them are ready to date her and the one guy who is kinda, sorta interested will be the one she’ll be pinning for. In other words, the aura of the unavailable, too busy for you, “You expect me to remember Valentines? Sweetheart, I only remember gig days”, musician is kinda irresistible to most girls. Maybe deep inside every girl wants to tame somebody; wants to be the one who made him “settle down”. Hey, if Aunt Becky was successful with mullet sportin', rock club playing Uncle Jesse then why can’t I?

As mentioned though, the initial reasons for wanting to chase musicians was a bit different. I think at the core, I gravitate towards the unusual, the unordinary; maybe even a bit dangerous but the mutual love for music has to be there. If we meet and you know more Guns N' Roses trivia than I do, babe, it’s on.

With that said, since I spent so much of my youth idolizing both rock stars and the groupies who love them, I was inherently interested with the premiere of the Ex-Wives of Rock. If you are unfamiliar with it, let me bring you up to speed. The Ex-Wives of Rock is a show centered around 4 women who were previously married to well known musicians; Bobby Brown to the late Jani Lane, Athena Lee to James Kottack, Sharise Neil to Vince Neil and Susan Dixon to Jerry Dixon. I wish I can say all the women are still happily married or at the very least thriving but that’s not the case. Bobby (the 90s Cherry Pie video vixen every wannabe groupie still idolizes) is living in a one bedroom apartment and has her upcoming memoir about how it felt being a groupie as her only source of income. Of course, the lives of these four women are not the definitive representation of how every wannabe groupie ended up. I’m sure somewhere far away there is rock star and groupie duo who just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and don't have a long history of extramarital affairs. I'm sure they exist, I just cant think of any at the moment. 

If the ghost of groupies past has taught me anything, it’s that if you are going to focus and idolize anyone, make sure it's your own self. This is not me advocating for one to be self-absorbed but rather what I’m trying to say is, you can't depend on anyone other than yourself. The only person who will always have your best interest at heart is yourself. The only person who will take you from point A to point K is yourself. Sure, if you say all the right things somebody can do that for you but you are the only person who can keep yourself there. Of course you can fall in love and be the small percentage of people who makes it but anything you have with somebody else should be built on a solid foundation of the self, first and foremost. Besides, how the hell are you going to get anything accomplished if your whole life involves either waiting for sound check to finish or partying it up in the VIP area?  Sounds like a lot of effort and time just to say, "Guess who I met/partied with?"

At the end of the day (and if you are a regular reader you know this) I say, to each their own. Wanna sleep with musicians for bragging rights? Go for it, girl, I ain't mad at ya. I just wonder where would I be if my teenage plan came into fruitation; if I actually moved God knows where and chased God knows who. Maybe I'd have some wicked stories to share but the fact is, I still have some wicked stories to share, I've seen every group that was on my teenage bucket list (yes, including Guns N' Roses), I have met many musicians and I did all this while still keeping (most) of my morals intact. 

I’ll admit it, I’m still fascinated by the whole rocknrolla lifestyle but am I willing to shell out my body to whoever is interested just to be apart of that world? No, I’m not. Am I also willing to spend hours waiting outside hotel rooms and begging roadies for a glimpse of someone? Sorry, not this wannabe groupie. If it means I only watch the whole thing from afar, well then, so be it. I actually still cringe when I see episodes of Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. Not because it’s utterly vulgar and half of the women only have their GED but because it stereotypes every single groupie as dumb and simple. It's like they are all willing to give it up just because of a person’s celebrity or music scene cred. I will never be that girl. 

Don’t get it twisted though, if there is a type, long hair, tattooed and guitar case in hand is still mine but do I think women should sleep with men for the sake of all those things? Hell to the no. To get in my leather pants, yes, long hair and tattoos helps but character will be the deciding factor. I also don’t think women should define their lives on who they have bedded and the social status of that person. I don’t care if he’s the lead singer in one band and drums in another, if there’s no connection or chemistry, what’s the point? Another notch in my belt just to say I did? Nah, so much more better things to do, books to read and blog posts to write. 

Helix, Horseshoe Tavern, 2006.

What I am advocating is being your own rock star and focusing foremost on yourself and getting your life to the next level. What are your dreams in this whole boy crazy, rock star chasing tsunami? Where do you wanna be in 5, 10, 15 years? Why are you riding someone else’s coattails when your very own chariot awaits? Those are the questions I wanna ask but refrain when I see a new crop of 19 year old groupies on the scene. Maybe they are how I was, in love with the music, intoxicated by the whole vibe of the Toronto music/concert scene and all those other things that make most of us happily hand over our last $20 for a live show. Maybe they think if they get a piece of the lead singer then they’ll be that much closer to everything. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. For those wondering if this is an anti-groupie, pro-celibacy or neofeminist piece. Please, know, it’s none of those things. It’s a simple, do you, girl, piece. The world is your oyster, you are the rock star and home band of your life and everyone you meet is simply a visiting opening act.