12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 2

This may go without saying but just so we are clear, I do not think my "12 Golden Rules" should be set in stone nor do I think every point can be applied to every situation. I am simply sharing what I have experienced, seen what has worked, what hasn't, etc. This piece is meant to be a foundational starting tool for attracting the right person as well as navigating the unpredictable world of dating in the modern world. The truth is, there are so many factors that go into the makeup of a good pair. Some say destiny and timing also play a role (to what degree is purely your choice to decide) but those two things you can’t control so I suggest working on those you can. With that said, I present to you, Part Deux.

7. Learn from every romantic entity that enters your life but know who you want your partner to be and be strong enough to realize when you are with somebody who simply isn’t him/her.

I’ve spent time with many guys who I knew I wouldn’t end up with and thus didn’t. It’s absolutely cool to have a few Mr./Ms. Right Now(s) in your dating repertoire but don’t you dare think Mr/Ms. Right Now can substitute Mr./Ms. Right because he/she can’t (though they may be somebody’s else’s Mr/Ms. Right). It’s funny how we get comfortable with people, time passes and before we know it we just spent 4 (tumultuous) years with somebody we knew wasn’t right for us from the get to. Isn’t it interesting how human beings will suppress their own gut feelings and inherent instincts just to have a warm body to lay next to at night?

Realize that some people you are meant to know, like, love and above all, learn from but eventually are meant to move on from. Do not stay too long in situations that aren’t meant to be long term. You don’t want to pass by Mr./Ms. Right because you were at home fighting with Mr./Ms. Right Now, do you? I don’t want you to either.

8. Remember that like attracts like.

I am in no way suggesting that both people have to listen to the same music or frequent the same concert venues in order to be happy. If anything opposite tastes in those arenas can enrich and bring growth to the both of you. Personally I like conversations that go something like, “Oh my God, you’ve never heard of the Dead 60s? No, I haven’t. Do you listen to Kendrick Lamar?”, but there is no way two people who have entirely different lifestyles and priorities will stay together. You also have to be on the same page when it comes to the big stuff. Not only does like attract like but like stays with like.

I also don’t understand (and forgive me for using a superficial numeric code) how average 6s think they deserve to be with got-it-going-on 10s? At least strive for an 8, sweetheart. Wanna a 10? Become a 10. Want a boss, baby girl? Gotta be a boss. Nuff said.

9. Pursue.

I have too many guy friends (and girlfriends) who I know for a fact want a certain person but will do nothing about it but interestingly enough will also continue to post the same cryptic Facebook status about being alone. You want somebody? Let it be known. I’m not advocating for grand gestures (though some people like that) but a simple invitation for a drink, a meal or a concert is you being proactive in wanting to see them and get to know them better but it is also harmless enough where its not entirely known that you are full on interested (as you may or may not be yet). Don’t forget that admiring from the across the bar or liking every Facebook picture they have is not you pursuing. That’s just you admiring from across the bar and hitting the Like button.

But I’m also not putting all the pressure on the guys. Women need to be a little more vocal as well. Though I personally think the guy should initiate the first date or one on one hangout or whatever the kids call it these days, however I am not above making it known that I do want to be asked out and that I would like to spend time with him one on one. Whenever I hesitate towards somebody I keep thinking back to my April post about Missed Connections (my second most popular piece, thank you dear readers) and I ask myself, what’s the worse that can happen? Rejection? Meh, been there, done that, still here.  

Bottom line, if you don’t pursue, initiate and be honest with people about how you feel you will look back on your life and regret all the people who you possibly could have had something with. Trust me on this one.

10. If you are nervous and hesitant about meeting new people, please know, the other person on the date, in the club/bar is too; they just hide it better and are probably just more drunk than you are.

If you walk into a date or a social gathering with the attitude of, I’m not entirely hideous, I know how to hold a conversation, I’m fun, then what is there to be afraid of? Please know that the majority of those who frequent online dating websites, know every speed dating shindig in the city and are regulars on the club scene are looking for the exact same thing you are: somebody to meet, somebody to spend time with, somebody to have fun with and somebody to possibly have something meaningful with. As author and anthropologist Helen Fisher once said: “Millions of years ago we evolved 3 basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love, and an attachment to a long term partner. These circuits are deeply embedded in the human brain and they are going to survive as long as our species survives on what Shakespeare called his mortal coil.”

So trust that you are not alone in feeling hesitant, a little scared, cautious to be vulnerable and all those other emotions that run through you when you are opening up to somebody about who you truly are. Who are we truly you ask? I like to equate it to an after hours amusement park. When the shiny and brightly colored rides and attractions that are you stop going full speed, the lights are off, the painted face clown clocks out and it’s just stillness and realness. No fast rides, no bells and whistles, just you. The right person will accept the real you, imperfect and all. And the ones who just want a flashy and neon decorated 24 hour show, tell them to go elsewhere. There's a height requirement for entering the after hours. 

11. Realize that some people are just not meant for you and will not be until they deal with their own issues.  

If you have been dating for at least 10 years then you know full well that there are many variations of people in the world. Some sparkle like diamonds but are all cubic zirconia inside and some seem like dehydrated flowers that somebody forgot about but on closer examination and given the chance, will eventually bloom brighter than any rose you have ever laid eyes on. With that said, there will be people that will grow more distant and cold the more caring and giving you’ll be. You need to realize that dating grown adults is complicated stuff, not only because adults are complicated stuff but because we are a mixture of all the good and bad experiences (some we never had a choice or whether or we wanted to experience) that came our way. Realize that some people just cannot accept love and as sad as it is, may spend their lives thinking they are unworthy of it. When you do something amazing they’ll just scratch their heads and say, “What is this? Why are they treating me so well? I’m not used to this. I’m scared, later girl.” When you encounter this kind of person two things need to happen. 1. They recognize that perhaps for the first in their life they are in a healthy situation and it is their lack of self-worth that is acting out and working against the both of you or 2. You go your separate ways, they grow and come back to you when they have learned what it is they needed to.

I believe (good) romantic relationship heal the scars we start accumulating at a very tender young but I also think we as adults should constantly work on ourselves so we don’t repel those who have our best interest at heart. Like I said, dating grown adults is complicated stuff, so be kind, be patient but don’t hesitate to let them know that their burdens are not your burdens. If you find yourself being a full-time therapist, run! You deserve somebody who has done the work, learned the lessons and can give you what you give them.

12. Stay idealistic but have both feet on the ground; don’t get jaded and believe that you deserve whatever it is that you are looking for.

Who knows for certain why some people gravitate towards each other and others count down the minute until the movie is done, they can hail a cab, join their friends at the neighborhood bar and tell them all about how they just had “the worst date of their life.” Who knows why certain people meet and can talk for hours while others look at the shrimp fettuccine they ordered as the highlight of the evening.

In terms of growing tired and feeling jaded that certain relationships have not materialized, there’s a quote I like to use (that was not meant to be applied to dating): “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” The way I see it, if you settle for somebody who has 60% of what you are looking for because you are tired of trying, going on countless dates with the meal as the highlight, pursuing and being rejected, and you give up altogether or settle, who is to say that the person for you (the one who had what you wanted) was just a chance week meeting away? Silly you though bowed out too soon and are now holding cubic zirconia when you could have had a diamond. Do not ever think that you are alone in wanting something real and amazing. Don’t settle, wait for somebody you makes the sun shine just a little brighter and he or she who makes your day better for the simple fact that they are in it. Every single person deserves that, including you.

Trust that the right person will not reject you or suddenly pull back. Trust that the relationship you are looking for will happen when it’s meant to (perhaps when you least expect it) but above all, trust that you are worthy of being with somebody who truly wants you. Until that happens though, work on yourself, date, have fun, meet people and do not allow anybody to alter what it is that you want for yourself. If you want that crazy, mad love affair with somebody, go for it. If you want to just have fun your entire life and have so many notches in your belt that it’s hard to tell if there are even spaces in between, that’s cool too. Just remember, like attracts like. 

Lastly, as they say, you may have to kiss a few frogs (though that same frog is a future prince to somebody else) and meet a few basic girls (though exceptional to those they are meant for) before you meet somebody who is a good fit for you, but so what? Maybe that happens so when we do meet somebody special we appreciate them that much more. Believe that somebody for you is out there, looking for you too and is just as eager to meet you. Just make sure you are the person you want to be when you do.

12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 1.

I don’t want to toot my own horn but among certain friends, I’m kinda known as the relationship whisperer. Is it because I am an endless vessel of wacky ideas and theories that nobody asked for? Maybe. Is it because I have a hard time keeping my two cents in my wallet? If you are a regular reader you know this self-proclaimed overly expressive girl can’t keep her mouth shut (perish the thought!), but what has really earned me my rep as the “relationship advice go to girl” is the amount of experience I have in them. Long term, short term, flings, amazing first dates where we never see each other again (I swear this happens), undefined get-togethers where I am not sure if he is really, really into me or is royally turned off by me; you name it (date wise), I’ve had em’. More importantly though, you name him (type wise), I’ve met him. Yup, I’ve seen a lot in my day. With that said, though there is an undeniable amount of similar dating lists online perhaps mine will bring something new to the mix. Here’s hoping.

1. Brace yourself for bipolar dating, aka. the cycle of the hot and cold dater. 

Bipolar dating occurs when you meet somebody who seems really into you right off the bat. You appreciate the attention this person is giving you (as most human beings will) but right when you start reciprocating or just as well, keep acting as you did when they first got into you, bam, they pull away faster than you can say, “Fuckin’ Capricorns, you’re all the same!” You need to understand that nobody is immune to having this done to them and coincidentally nobody is immune to being interested on a Tuesday, being turned off by something that was casually said or done on a Friday and fully checking out on a Saturday. As frustrating as this may be, this will happen. Maybe you two will be in the midst of a simple chat session, communication breakdown occurs, they say something that you are bothered by (what is trivial to them may be a deal breaker for you), a wire in your brain crosses, and you never look back. You are Scarlett O’Hara, gone with the wind, never to return again. Though another case of bipolar dating to you, “I’m glad I got to see this side of her before I really committed”, to him.

If you have done this it doesn’t mean you are a bad person and if you had this done to you then it is equally as important to remember that they too are not a bad person. Chances are, they weren’t that interested to begin with because real feelings do not change overnight but make no mistake, they are allowed to change. Simply put, people are allowed to change their mind, their feelings, their partners, etc. Besides, until the both of you are official you don’t owe each other anything and thus are both free to be turned on and off as you see fit. Yes, its frustrating and even hurtful when it is done by somebody you actually thought you had a connection with but its common so brace yourself kiddo, until you find somebody who will accept you as you truly are and will want to be with you regardless of minor hiccups for what you may say or do, you are seated in a ride that goes up and down and no doubt passes through hot and cold waters. So buckle up and wear layers, it’s about to get messy.

2. Learn to handle rejection gracefully.

This may go without saying but rejection happens to everyone. No, it does. The truth is, gorgeous and successful women get rejected. Guys who are walking and talking prizes that have all their shit together sometimes don’t get a second date. And so why should you be any different?

Secondly, the more times you get rejected the better you will be at dealing with it. At 14 rejection usually invokes tears, howls, diabolical screams and understandingly so. Why? Well, you simply don’t know any better. However, the older you get the better you get at this whole rejection thing. The better you are at handling showing up at a restaurant all dolled up, thinking you are going to order the pasta al pesto, have a magical evening that may or may not end with you on your back but instead are met with a lukewarm embrace and are told its over. Done diddly over, just like that. As mentioned, 14 year old you would lose her shit but 29 year old you excuses herself, goes to the ladies rooms, looks in the mirror, wipes a few tears and says, “You’ve been here before, ol’ girl, you got through it and by God you’ll get through it again”, comes back with reapplied mascara and finishes her pasta al pesto.

Lastly, there is something that I have really taken notice of in the last few years and that is the fact that something amazing happens when you get rejected, remain cool as a cucumber and say, “Okay, I understand.” No, one after the other text messages, repeated phone calls demanding explanations about what happened, what could have gone so wrong; how dare they no longer prefer your exclusive company?  None of that. Just a simple, “I understand” and be done with it. Not only will the person doing the rejecting be taken back by the lack of your enraged full on ego (remember, cool as a cucumber),  but I’m willing to bet 3 shots of Gran Patron that you will leave them thinking, “Am I wrong about this? How can I not be with someone so cool, so collected and above all, so unshacken by me?!” Hey, it always worked on me. Just ask the last guy I uttered the words “I’m not sure we are compatible” to. He stayed calm, collected and didn’t lose his shit in the slightest and do you know what he got?  He got a very flirty (and may I add regretful) Karina messaging him a week later asking, “So how are you ;)”. Too bad the poor bastard couldn’t get past the fact that my moment of doubt and expression of “rejection” was just that, a moment. Oh well, can’t win em all. Neither can you. Rejection happens, deal with it.

3. Talk on the phone, make time to actually see each other (No, Skype doesn’t count).  

Don’t rely on social media as your only form of communication and while you are at it, squeeze in a phone call here and there. Flirty texts can be fun but they are also cliché, redundant and impersonal. I sometimes even think, how do I know I am actually talking to so and so and not just a robot set on conversational flirting? The way I see it, if we can’t have an exciting conversation on the phone for at least 15 minutes, were not meant to be more than just friends. I know, I know, I’m actually asking for communication without emoticons and abbreviations. It’s official, I’ve seriously gone mad. ;) LOL

Also, some people are exciting texters and online chat companions but are (hate to say it) dull and coy in person. Don’t you wanna know who you are really going to be with?

4. Compatibility is not black and white.

I was always of the belief that some people just “click” or have a natural compatibility for each other but the older I get the more I think maybe there is no such thing as natural chemistry or an “effortless conversation”. Maybe the level of compatibility is only determined by how hard one tries to understand/get to know another person and work with them rather then against them. Meet somebody who may have never heard of your favourite band or has never read your favourite author? Don’t write them off right there and then or deem them as “incompatible” with you. Give it a chance, you’d be surprised who might be a good match.

5. You get what you give.

I’ve always said, we are the society of entitlement. We want our partners to be this and that and to have everything from lists A-K but we sometimes neglect to have expectations as to what we are willing to offer them; where is that long list of what you are going bring to the table. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards or refusing to take the hand of anybody who asks but the way I see it, if you want amazing, then you will need to put in the work.

Some people think that if they want the cow, they can not only get the milk for free but they can order it online, have it delivered when it suits them, have somebody else feed it and take care of it and they wont have to lift a finger. That’s not how you get a cow, people! You gotta get up, you gotta get dressed, you gotta travel (you may even have to pay the highway fee) and you will need to get on that farm and choose the cow you want. What I’m trying to say is, if you want something substantial you will need to put in the work. Did I lose you at the word “work”? Hope not. I’m not saying its going feel like a chore but in the dating world you’ll actually have to try and put your best foot forward.

On that note, some girls want to be treated like princesses and to that I say, get it girl, but if that is what you think you deserve then you my dear need to treat him like a prince. Simply put, you get what you give. Don’t expect the moon and stars but only give the bare minimum. It’s probably not going to happen (unless you meet somebody who doesn’t care how they are treated and in that case run) and it’s just not fair. Amazing relationships happen when both people give 100%. Complacent, see ya when I see ya, look elsewhere relationships give each other 60% at best. Decide which one you want to have. 

6. Get off the “It’s not me, it’s them” train and actually be honest as to why you may be single. 

One of my least favourite traits in a person is dismissiveness. Rather than filing every “bad date” or “failed relationship” as “that chick was just crazy” or “that guy will never be happy with anyone,” ask yourself: how come I repeatedly attract the same “wrong” person and have the same lacklustre date? Sometimes it really is you and sometimes it’s not; highly important to distinguish if it’s the former or the latter. If you have been single for a good couple years ask yourself, why am I? Warning you though, this may hurt a bit as self reflection sometimes does but the good news is, it’s entirely worth it. Bettering yourself (mind, body and soul) will not only do wonders for other areas of your life but most importantly, it will not repel the right person when they do come along.

Why I Walk and You Should Too

When I tell people I walk long distances as a hobby, form of release, pleasure, etc. it is often met with confused looks. What’s even more interesting is the reply I get when I tell them the number of kilometres I do in a regular walk. “Holy shit!” is a comment I hear on the regular. Why do I walk, you ask? For starters, few things in life are as invigorating or cathartic as getting semi lost, finishing (see: crawling through) your last km of the journey, watching the sun come up in Port Credit and waiting for Sunset Grill to open so I can have 6 am pancakes and home fries and reflect on what just occurred (sometimes even I ask, "Did you really need to do that ol' girl?"). Yes, when you are a walking enthusiast, this is bless. Sheer, unadulterated bless. Without further ado, why I walk and perhaps why you should too. 

1. It clears your mind, reprograms your internal energy and balances your mood.
 
If you know me personally I think you will agree that I very seldom stay in a bad mood (although when I do its one for the books but that's a different blog post altogether). The only difference between me and somebody who is consistently in a bad mood is that I walk off my bad moods. Walking has and remains the most inexpensive, healthiest and best form of medicine/therapy I have ever found and believe me, I’ve dabbled. A drink to ease my anxiety about work. Result: Still waking up feeling unbalanced the next morning and the worst part, I am too hungover to be productive. A line to make me forget him. Result: still going to sleep thinking of him. A 4 hour walk along Lakeshore with me, myself and Woods of Ypres? Always does the trick. I'm not saying walks solve problems but do I find myself more clear-headed and ready to deal with issues after a long walk? You betcha.

2. It’s a form of exercise.
 
I’ll admit it, long-distance walking started off as a vain quest for tight glutes (one can dream) but is now something that benefits me on many levels. After a long walk my head feels undeniably less cluttered, I am refocused and I can eat a whole slice of Amico's Pizza homemade cheesecake the next day without a snippet of guilt. One should never feel guilty about eating cheesecake but be honest, how much will you enjoy that decadent and fluffy slice of heaven if you walked 25 KM the day before?

Did you also know that the good people at Harvard Men's Health Watch correlated 30 minutes of daily brisk walking to adding several years to one's life? Walking, you just cant go wrong.

3. You get to see Toronto in a way you never have before.
 
I’m a late night walker as in my walking time of choice is 8 pm to 6 am. With that said, the feeling of walking on a typically busy street and not running into a single person nor seeing a passing car for hours is kinda indescribable and unheard of in this city during the day. Besides, discovering a new neighbourhood by foot is more interesting than by car or public transportation.

Not a soul in sight...

4. You get to know you, yourself and I.

To be completely alone with your own thoughts (Lana Del Rey on repeat singing in my headphones does not count) really puts things in perspective. When was the last time you spent a good 7 hours with no texts (sending or receiving), no Facebook but just your own thoughts, the motion of you walking and your home city as your only companion? It’s been a while? Better get to walking. 

5. Bragging rights, out of the ordinary Facebook statuses and unique sunset/sunrise pictures.
 
I don’t walk for any of those three reasons but I will not deny that they come as perks with being a walking enthusiast. Besides, why do mundane things? Why walk an average amount? Why not push yourself (body and mind) to the fullest? 

139 Lakeshore Road East, Mississauga; watching the sun come up after a 23 KM walk from Yonge and Bloor. May 2014.

 

Arriving somewhere surreal after a 25 KM walk, January 2012.

The reason I walk is because I simply cannot not walk. I need to, for my sanity, for my health and for those new pair of short shorts I bought while being delusional about an upcoming milestone birthday.

Port Credit Lighthouse, May 2014.

Above all though, if (long distance) walking as a hobby is something that is of interest to you then the time to get started, to get moving, to get walking is today. If you have rolled your eyes several times throughout this piece and still keep thinking, “Why would I walk? That’s why we have cars and public transportation, so we don’t have to walk. Sounds like a lot of wasted time”, to you I say: on some level you are right but you have not experienced exploring the city all by your lonesome, have not heard a single passing car for 2 hours, came home with aching hamstrings and couldn’t wait to do it all over again. Make no mistake though, I’m not advocating for you to start with a goal of walking 20 KM right from the get go. Years ago 5 KM was an achievement for me. Listen to your body, do what feels comfortable to you but also push yourself. If you won’t, who else will?