I don’t want to toot my own horn but among certain friends, I’m kinda known as the relationship whisperer. Is it because I am an endless vessel of wacky ideas and theories that nobody asked for? Maybe. Is it because I have a hard time keeping my two cents in my wallet? If you are a regular reader you know this self-proclaimed overly expressive girl can’t keep her mouth shut (perish the thought!), but what has really earned me my rep as the “relationship advice go to girl” is the amount of experience I have in them. Long term, short term, flings, amazing first dates where we never see each other again (I swear this happens), undefined get-togethers where I am not sure if he is really, really into me or is royally turned off by me; you name it (date wise), I’ve had em’. More importantly though, you name him (type wise), I’ve met him. Yup, I’ve seen a lot in my day. With that said, though there is an undeniable amount of similar dating lists online perhaps mine will bring something new to the mix. Here’s hoping.
1. Brace yourself for bipolar dating, aka. the cycle of the hot and cold dater.
Bipolar dating occurs when you meet somebody who seems really into you right off the bat. You appreciate the attention this person is giving you (as most human beings will) but right when you start reciprocating or just as well, keep acting as you did when they first got into you, bam, they pull away faster than you can say, “Fuckin’ Capricorns, you’re all the same!” You need to understand that nobody is immune to having this done to them and coincidentally nobody is immune to being interested on a Tuesday, being turned off by something that was casually said or done on a Friday and fully checking out on a Saturday. As frustrating as this may be, this will happen. Maybe you two will be in the midst of a simple chat session, communication breakdown occurs, they say something that you are bothered by (what is trivial to them may be a deal breaker for you), a wire in your brain crosses, and you never look back. You are Scarlett O’Hara, gone with the wind, never to return again. Though another case of bipolar dating to you, “I’m glad I got to see this side of her before I really committed”, to him.
If you have done this it doesn’t mean you are a bad person
and if you had this done to you then it is equally as important to remember
that they too are not a bad person. Chances are, they weren’t that interested to begin with because real
feelings do not change overnight but make no mistake, they are allowed to
change. Simply put, people are allowed to change their mind, their feelings,
their partners, etc. Besides, until the both of you are official you don’t owe
each other anything and thus are both free to be turned on and off as you
see fit. Yes, its frustrating and even hurtful when it is done by somebody you
actually thought you had a connection with but its common so brace yourself
kiddo, until you find somebody who will accept you as you truly are and will
want to be with you regardless of minor hiccups for what you may say or do, you
are seated in a ride that goes up and down and no doubt passes through hot and
cold waters. So buckle up and wear layers, it’s about to get messy.
2. Learn to handle rejection gracefully.
This may go without saying but rejection happens to everyone. No, it does. The truth is, gorgeous and successful women get rejected. Guys who are walking and talking prizes that have all their shit together sometimes don’t get a second date. And so why should you be any different?
Secondly, the more times you get rejected the better you will be at dealing with it. At 14 rejection usually invokes tears, howls, diabolical screams and understandingly so. Why? Well, you simply don’t know any better. However, the older you get the better you get at this whole rejection thing. The better you are at handling showing up at a restaurant all dolled up, thinking you are going to order the pasta al pesto, have a magical evening that may or may not end with you on your back but instead are met with a lukewarm embrace and are told its over. Done diddly over, just like that. As mentioned, 14 year old you would lose her shit but 29 year old you excuses herself, goes to the ladies rooms, looks in the mirror, wipes a few tears and says, “You’ve been here before, ol’ girl, you got through it and by God you’ll get through it again”, comes back with reapplied mascara and finishes her pasta al pesto.
Lastly, there is something that I have really taken notice of
in the last few years and that is the fact that something amazing happens when
you get rejected, remain cool as a cucumber and say, “Okay, I
understand.” No, one after the other text messages, repeated phone calls
demanding explanations about what happened, what could have gone so wrong; how
dare they no longer prefer your exclusive company? None of that. Just a simple, “I understand”
and be done with it. Not only will the person doing the rejecting be taken back
by the lack of your enraged full on ego (remember, cool as a cucumber), but I’m willing to bet 3 shots of Gran Patron
that you will leave them thinking, “Am I wrong about this? How can I not be with someone so cool, so collected
and above all, so unshacken by me?!”
Hey, it always worked on me. Just ask the last guy I uttered the words “I’m not
sure we are compatible” to. He stayed calm, collected and didn’t lose his shit
in the slightest and do you know what he got?
He got a very flirty (and may I add regretful) Karina messaging him a
week later asking, “So how are you ;)”. Too bad the poor bastard couldn’t get
past the fact that my moment of doubt and expression of “rejection” was just
that, a moment. Oh well, can’t win em all. Neither can you. Rejection happens, deal
with it.
3. Talk on the phone, make time to actually see each other (No,
Skype doesn’t count).
Don’t rely on social media as your only form of communication and while you are at it, squeeze in a phone call here and there. Flirty texts can be fun but they are also cliché, redundant and impersonal. I sometimes even think, how do I know I am actually talking to so and so and not just a robot set on conversational flirting? The way I see it, if we can’t have an exciting conversation on the phone for at least 15 minutes, were not meant to be more than just friends. I know, I know, I’m actually asking for communication without emoticons and abbreviations. It’s official, I’ve seriously gone mad. ;) LOL
Also, some people are exciting texters and online chat
companions but are (hate to say it) dull and coy in person. Don’t you wanna
know who you are really going to be
with?
4. Compatibility is not black and white.
I was always of the belief that some people just “click” or have a natural compatibility for each other but the older I get the more I think maybe there is no such thing as natural chemistry or an “effortless conversation”. Maybe the level of compatibility is only determined by how hard one tries to understand/get to know another person and work with them rather then against them. Meet somebody who may have never heard of your favourite band or has never read your favourite author? Don’t write them off right there and then or deem them as “incompatible” with you. Give it a chance, you’d be surprised who might be a good match.
5. You get what you give.
I’ve always said, we are the society of entitlement. We want
our partners to be this and that and to have everything from lists A-K but we sometimes
neglect to have expectations as to what we
are willing to offer them; where
is that long list of what you are
going bring to the table. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything
wrong with having high standards or refusing to take the hand of anybody who
asks but the way I see it, if you want amazing, then you will need to put in
the work.
Some people think that if they want the cow, they can not
only get the milk for free but they can order it online, have it delivered when
it suits them, have somebody else feed it and take care of it and they wont
have to lift a finger. That’s not how you get a cow, people! You gotta get up,
you gotta get dressed, you gotta travel (you may even have to pay the highway
fee) and you will need to get on that farm and choose the cow you want. What
I’m trying to say is, if you want something substantial you will need to put in
the work. Did I lose you at the word “work”? Hope not. I’m not saying its going
feel like a chore but in the dating world you’ll actually have to try and put
your best foot forward.
On that note, some girls want to be treated like princesses
and to that I say, get it girl, but if that is what you think you deserve then
you my dear need to treat him like a prince. Simply put, you get what you give.
Don’t expect the moon and stars but only give the bare minimum. It’s probably
not going to happen (unless you meet somebody who doesn’t care how they are
treated and in that case run) and it’s just not fair. Amazing relationships happen
when both people give 100%. Complacent, see ya when I see ya, look elsewhere
relationships give each other 60% at best. Decide which one you want to have.
6. Get off the “It’s not me, it’s them” train and actually be honest as to why you may be single.
One of my least favourite traits in a person is dismissiveness. Rather than filing every “bad date” or “failed relationship” as “that chick was just crazy” or “that guy will never be happy with anyone,” ask yourself: how come I repeatedly attract the same “wrong” person and have the same lacklustre date? Sometimes it really is you and sometimes it’s not; highly important to distinguish if it’s the former or the latter. If you have been single for a good couple years ask yourself, why am I? Warning you though, this may hurt a bit as self reflection sometimes does but the good news is, it’s entirely worth it. Bettering yourself (mind, body and soul) will not only do wonders for other areas of your life but most importantly, it will not repel the right person when they do come along.
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