This may go without saying but just so we are clear, I do not think my "12 Golden Rules" should be set in stone nor do I think every point can be applied to every situation. I am simply sharing what I have experienced, seen what has worked, what hasn't, etc. This piece is meant to be a foundational starting tool for attracting the right person as well as navigating the unpredictable world of dating in the modern world. The truth is, there are so many factors that go into the makeup of a good pair. Some say destiny and timing also play a role (to what degree is purely your choice to decide) but those two things you can’t control so I suggest working on those you can. With that said, I present to you, Part Deux.
7. Learn from every romantic entity that enters your life but know who you want your partner to be and be strong enough to realize when you are with somebody who simply isn’t him/her.
I’ve spent time with many guys who I knew I wouldn’t end up
with and thus didn’t. It’s absolutely cool to have a few Mr./Ms. Right Now(s)
in your dating repertoire but don’t you dare think Mr/Ms. Right Now can
substitute Mr./Ms. Right because he/she can’t (though they may be somebody’s else’s
Mr/Ms. Right). It’s funny how we get comfortable with people, time passes and
before we know it we just spent 4 (tumultuous) years with somebody we knew
wasn’t right for us from the get to. Isn’t it interesting how human beings will
suppress their own gut feelings and inherent instincts just to have a warm body
to lay next to at night?
Realize that some people you are meant to know, like, love
and above all, learn from but eventually are meant to move on from. Do not stay
too long in situations that aren’t meant to be long term. You don’t want to
pass by Mr./Ms. Right because you were at home fighting with Mr./Ms. Right Now,
do you? I don’t want you to either.
8. Remember that like attracts like.
I am in no way suggesting that both people have to listen to
the same music or frequent the same concert venues in order to be happy. If
anything opposite tastes in those arenas can enrich and bring growth to the
both of you. Personally I like conversations that go something like, “Oh my
God, you’ve never heard of the Dead 60s? No, I haven’t. Do you listen to
Kendrick Lamar?”, but there is no way two people who have entirely different
lifestyles and priorities will stay together. You also have to be on the same
page when it comes to the big stuff. Not only does like attract like but like
stays with like.
I also don’t understand (and forgive me for using a superficial
numeric code) how average 6s think they deserve to be with got-it-going-on 10s?
At least strive for an 8, sweetheart. Wanna a 10? Become a 10. Want a boss,
baby girl? Gotta be a boss. Nuff said.
9. Pursue.
I have too many guy friends (and girlfriends) who I know for a fact want a certain person but will do nothing about it but interestingly enough will also continue to post the same cryptic Facebook status about being alone. You want somebody? Let it be known. I’m not advocating for grand gestures (though some people like that) but a simple invitation for a drink, a meal or a concert is you being proactive in wanting to see them and get to know them better but it is also harmless enough where its not entirely known that you are full on interested (as you may or may not be yet). Don’t forget that admiring from the across the bar or liking every Facebook picture they have is not you pursuing. That’s just you admiring from across the bar and hitting the Like button.
But I’m also not putting all the pressure on the guys. Women
need to be a little more vocal as well. Though I personally think the guy
should initiate the first date or one on one hangout or whatever the kids call
it these days, however I am not above making it known that I do want to be asked out and that I would like to spend time with him one on
one. Whenever I hesitate towards somebody I keep thinking back to my April post
about Missed Connections (my second most popular piece, thank you dear readers)
and I ask myself, what’s the worse that can happen? Rejection? Meh, been there,
done that, still here.
Bottom line, if you don’t pursue, initiate and be honest
with people about how you feel you will look back on your life and regret all
the people who you possibly could have had something with. Trust me on this
one.
10. If you are nervous and hesitant about meeting new people, please know, the other person on the date, in the club/bar is too; they just hide it better and are probably just more drunk than you are.
If you walk into a date or a social gathering with the
attitude of, I’m not entirely hideous, I know how to hold a conversation, I’m
fun, then what is there to be afraid of? Please know that the majority of those
who frequent online dating websites, know every speed dating shindig in the
city and are regulars on the club scene are looking for the exact same thing
you are: somebody to meet, somebody to spend time with, somebody to have fun
with and somebody to possibly have something meaningful with. As author and
anthropologist Helen Fisher once said: “Millions of years ago we evolved 3
basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love, and an attachment to a long term
partner. These circuits are deeply embedded in the human brain and they are
going to survive as long as our species survives on what Shakespeare called his
mortal coil.”
So trust that you are not alone in feeling hesitant, a
little scared, cautious to be vulnerable and all those other emotions that run through you
when you are opening up to somebody about who you truly are. Who are we truly you ask? I like to equate it to an after hours amusement park. When the shiny and brightly colored rides and attractions that are you stop going full speed, the lights are off, the painted face clown clocks out and it’s just
stillness and realness. No fast rides, no bells and whistles, just you. The
right person will accept the real you, imperfect and all. And the ones who just want a flashy and neon decorated 24 hour show, tell them to go elsewhere. There's a height requirement for entering the after hours.
11. Realize that some people are just not meant for you and
will not be until they deal with their own issues.
If you have been dating for at least 10 years then you know full
well that there are many variations of people in the world. Some sparkle like diamonds
but are all cubic zirconia inside and some seem like dehydrated flowers that
somebody forgot about but on closer examination and given the chance, will
eventually bloom brighter than any rose you have ever laid eyes on. With that
said, there will be people that will grow more distant and cold the more caring
and giving you’ll be. You need to realize that dating grown adults is
complicated stuff, not only because adults are complicated stuff but because we
are a mixture of all the good and bad experiences (some we never had a choice
or whether or we wanted to experience) that came our way. Realize that some
people just cannot accept love and as sad as it is, may spend their lives
thinking they are unworthy of it. When you do something amazing they’ll just
scratch their heads and say, “What is this? Why are they treating me so well?
I’m not used to this. I’m scared, later girl.” When you encounter this kind of
person two things need to happen. 1. They recognize that perhaps for the first
in their life they are in a healthy situation and it is their lack of self-worth
that is acting out and working against the both of you or 2. You go your
separate ways, they grow and come back to you when they have learned what it is
they needed to.
I believe (good) romantic relationship heal the scars we
start accumulating at a very tender young but I also think we as adults should
constantly work on ourselves so we don’t repel those who have our best interest
at heart. Like I said, dating grown adults is complicated stuff, so be kind, be
patient but don’t hesitate to let them know that their burdens are not your
burdens. If you find yourself being a full-time
therapist, run! You deserve somebody who has done the work, learned the lessons
and can give you what you give them.
12. Stay idealistic but have both feet on the ground; don’t get
jaded and believe that you deserve whatever it is that you are looking for.
Who knows for certain why some people gravitate towards each other
and others count down the minute until the movie is done, they can hail a cab, join
their friends at the neighborhood bar and tell them all about how they just had
“the worst date of their life.” Who knows why certain people meet and can talk
for hours while others look at the shrimp fettuccine they ordered as the
highlight of the evening.
In terms of growing tired and feeling jaded that certain relationships have not materialized, there’s a quote I like to use (that was not meant to be applied to dating): “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” The way I see it, if you settle for somebody who has 60% of what you are looking for because you are tired of trying, going on countless dates with the meal as the highlight, pursuing and being rejected, and you give up altogether or settle, who is to say that the person for you (the one who had what you wanted) was just a chance week meeting away? Silly you though bowed out too soon and are now holding cubic zirconia when you could have had a diamond. Do not ever think that you are alone in wanting something real and amazing. Don’t settle, wait for somebody you makes the sun shine just a little brighter and he or she who makes your day better for the simple fact that they are in it. Every single person deserves that, including you.
Trust that the right person will not reject you or suddenly
pull back. Trust that the relationship you are looking for will happen when it’s
meant to (perhaps when you least expect it) but above all, trust that you are
worthy of being with somebody who truly wants
you. Until that happens though, work on yourself, date, have fun,
meet people and do not allow anybody to alter what it is that you want for
yourself. If you want that crazy, mad love affair with somebody, go for it. If
you want to just have fun your entire life and have so many notches in your
belt that it’s hard to tell if there are even spaces in between, that’s cool
too. Just remember, like attracts like.
Lastly, as they say, you may have to kiss a few frogs (though that same frog is a future prince to somebody else) and meet a few basic girls (though exceptional to those they are meant for) before you meet somebody who is a good fit for you, but so what? Maybe that happens so when we do meet somebody special we appreciate them that much more. Believe that somebody for you is out there, looking for you too and is just as eager to meet you. Just make sure you are the person you want to be when you do.
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