How to Survive the Holidays with Estranged Friends and Family/8 Ways to Deal with Conflict.

In a perfect world, somebody hurts us and apologizes for it or at the very least acknowledges our discomfort. In a perfect world our families would be the people who have been there for us the most and hurt us the least. Neither scenarios are the reality for many of us; dare I say most of us. In a perfect world conflict between two human beings would be minimal and we would use our time and energy on things that make our lives bigger and better; on things that are actually productive and useful to the world and others. Nevertheless, conflict with people close to us is something that we have all struggled with.  Throughout the year we may not notice the distance between certain people as much because we keep ourselves busy but during the holidays a sense of sadness can rush in and overcome you when you see your friends posting festive group photos while you are reposting a Grumpy Cat Santa meme. This is a step by step guide, a self talk if you will on how to survive the holidays and above all, how to be able to be around those who you have had conflict with. 

1. Reach out first and get dialogue going even when it is you who is owed the apology first.

If it is not yet evident from my past blogs, I’m a big advocate on talking things out. I’ve never understood people who delete and/or block on Facebook and break down communication altogether. The way I have always seen it, the faster we talk the faster we can possibly solve this or at the very least agree to a truce. What is the point of letting things build up over time? There isn’t any. The faster two people talk, the faster things can be resolved.

“Why do I have to be the one that steps up and reaches out?” you say. I hear you and your ego loud and clear, but think of it this way, some people will never be the first to reach out, even when they know deep down they ought to. Be the bigger person and lead by example. Communication is truly the best way to resolve things or at the very least can make you walk away from a situation knowing that you tried.

With that said, invite your estranged family members and even the friends who may have had conflict with to your New Years party and any other celebration you throw in the future.  Show the world and naysayers that you are above it all. Shock your "enemies" by showing them that you will not be part of the drama. Besides, letting things drag out and escalate is so 2014. 

2. Don’t sweep things under the rug.

Modern society is a living and breathing oxymoron if there ever was one. We encourage people to speak their mind but we also shame those that do it unapologetically. There are many times in my life I have heard the words “confrontational” and “shit disturber” towards those who were merely stating how they feel when something occurs they do not like. As individuals we should be allowed to confront those who we feel wronged us. If they feel bombarded or taken back- that’s their problem and should never be a reason to stay quiet. Besides, if your delivery is polite but stern they will hopefully see that you are not berating them but having a conversation, that’s it!

If you can, try to carry out communication one on one in a private atmosphere and if you can help it, refrain from letting anybody other than the person know how you feel. The whole, “he said, she said”, broken telephone thing is very real and the last thing you want is to have this person hear from various other parties that you are upset before you even confront them.

If you are about to attend a social gathering with someone you have conflict with, ask them to meet one on one beforehand to clear the air. Have you ever been to a party when you stood there talking to your friends and you could feel the tension sucking up all the positive and fun vibrations? I have and it’s not pleasant. For the sake of your host, yourself and other happy-go-lucky attendees, clear the air with someone you have conflict with that you know you will see repeatedly at various events. And if they decline you can at least acknowledge that certain things need to be ironed out and you are open to resolving it when they are. Either way, win-win.

3. Be assertive but don’t add fuel to the fire.

My first and second point discussed how important it is to communicate and state what it is that has upset you and caused conflict but it is also important to remember what critiques will undoubtedly start another argument.

I have a guy friend I have known for close to ten years and there are certain things that he has said over the last year that I have not cared for. I confronted him, we briefly discussed it and never spoke about again. Why is that certain topic off limits for him and I? Because discussing it further will only ignite the fire. Besides, we want to continue to know each other and in my mind, what has occurred is small fries on a friendship that has spanned an entire fun filled decade. I don’t ever advocate sweeping things under the rug but sometimes you just have to understand that you have said all you could and now just need to move on.

If you are still hell bent that your sister threw your favourite toy car that you asked all year for out of the balcony in a fit of rage 10 years, you are allowed to be  (she knew it was your favourite toy car!) but what use is it to bring it up now? When around those we have had conflict with it is highly important that we focus on the now or at the very least not so distant past. Going down a list of everything that has ever annoyed you will not solve anything but will leave the other person feeling as if there is no solving this. Pinpoint the top 3 things that have hurt you or rubbed you the wrong way and give them a chance to speak. No more than 3. If you have a list that has over 10 things that they have done that you have not liked (and titled just that) then you have ask yourself: is this even somebody I want to make up with? 

4. Don’t be dismissive.

There exists a very popular (new age) philosophy that I’ve never liked: “Don’t take anything personally.” Did you roll your eyes just now, I did. If you ask me, life lessons such as this one breeds a culture of zero responsibility, passivity for one’s action and dismissiveness.

Don’t get me wrong, I get the allure. To view everything as someone else’s problem is actually quite easy because you get to leave every situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

Admit that sometimes you do screw up and sometimes it truly is you and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?” the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way and enjoy the holidays with one less person hating you.

5. Try to understand where they are coming from and be accommodating.

This point is directly tied to not being dismissive. Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes is not an easy task because a) your ego has to be left at the door b) you may see yourself as the one in the wrong when being on the other side of the table and 3) you may have to do something uncomfortable to make things right.

Personally speaking, such actions are merely small gestures that one can do to repair a friendship or rebuild family relations. What does it cost one to fix things with someone they have wronged? Not much in my book but as I have learned, such is not the case for others.

When you have hurt someone over something that you deem as trivial, recognize that the same perhaps cannot be said to the person on the receiving end. What you view as a “no big deal” remark can take somebody back to a dark place or a memory that they have tried to heal from. Besides, if you know that something you say or do will cause someone discomfort or pain then why carry it out? We are all a product of our experiences and relationships and some of us have been through things you can’t imagine so at the very least you can act as if you do.

On that note, if you are trying to repair a friendship or family ties do something small but meaningful such as allowing them to choose where they would like to meet. If you are inviting someone to a holiday party you are on shaky ground with, go out on a limb and ask them what is their favourite appetizer or dessert. Gestures such as these work as metaphorical white flags to show the person that you are open to resolving things and ultimately, still care about them.

6. Agree to still be civil and polite.

I don’t care who you are or what you did to upset me but the minute I sink to your level, I have become just as wrong as you are. Remember that part I wrote about being above things, well, still treating someone who has hurt you with some level of respect is the number one way that a) you keep your integrity in tact b) you lead by example and c) your karma is secure. Every unpleasant situation needs that one patient person who will swallow some of their ego and continue to be the adult, even when they really want to be the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone.

Whenever I want to lose my cool and get psycho bitch on those I feel deserve it I remind myself something, “If I am cool, calm and collected, I can never be wrong.” Isn’t that a comforting thought- that even you are in an ugly situation you can still escape it with class and integrity. Besides, who the hell wants to be known as the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone?

7. Give things time and space.

If you know me personally then you know that I don’t like things to be dragged out longer than they should and like my resolutions like I like my Caesars- fast. If something unpleasant occurred to me on a Saturday, best believe that on a Monday and maybe even Sunday you will get a Facebook message or a phone call letting you know that I didn’t appreciate so and so. Many times people are responsive and will admit that they were either rude or unthoughtful without meaning to be but then of course there are those who feel bombarded at the slightest trace of confrontation and will hide, block, ignore and do anything to escape being confronted. Recognize when you are dealing with somebody who will not understand you today, most likely will not get you 2 weeks from now but quite possibly might see your point a year from now.

Not everybody lives life by the mantra of mutual respect or having the ability to communicate and you have to recognize that.

If you are at a social gathering and it is evident that the person who you have conflict with is feeling uncomfortable being near you, then give them the space they need. As I mentioned, in a perfect world we would all have the ability to talk things out like grown adults but such is not the case but respect that nevertheless.

8. Put your own happiness and peace of mind above everything else.

Something happened to me last month that served as a lesson of sorts. I was in Ottawa with work and somebody had said something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Not wanting to escalate the situation over the steak dinner we were all enjoying (or ruin my professional relationships with others), I said nothing to defend myself. I went up to my hotel room that night and felt less than. So much so that the next day I experienced tears while holed up in my hotel room while on a long distance phone call with my boyfriend thinking whether or not I’d be allowed to take an early flight back to Toronto. After I hung up the phone I did what always makes me feel better; I went down to the hotel lounge, ordered some food and sat there quietly isolated writing in my journal. I wrote about exactly how I felt. How alone I felt, how this exciting trip was being ruined by a careless comment by a unthoughtful person. The more feelings I expressed the angrier I became at my own self. I was angry that I was allowing my trip to get ruined and my heart become heavy. I thought: how is me allowing myself to succumb to my emotions fair to my own self? It's not. Why am I allowing conflict with another ruin my trip? I shouldn't.

Every single conflict infested situation gets to the level of emotion it does because you allow it to. I allowed myself to get bent out of shape due to that comment. I made myself stay in my hotel room while others from my work were sightseeing. I denied myself pleasure at that moment, not the person who hurt me.

In a conflict situation involving estranged family members and friends one must never forget that it is their own heart that they are hurting in the end if they succumb to the ugliness. Be above that, my dear friends. Put yourself first and do not allow anyone to rob you of your own happiness.

And for those wondering what I did after I ate my soup and closed my journal: I went upstairs, changed and joined the rest of my group at that night’s holiday party and even smiled at the person who had made the remark. Not because I was now fine with what they said but because at that moment I put my own happiness and peace of mind above everything else. The truth is, we are not all meant to be close friends. Appreciate those who are and determine who is not worth a lot of your personal investment but nevertheless a minimal level of mutual respect. 

Conflict with those we are friends with, those we see regularly and those we are bond by with genetics and blood is not pleasant but it rarely needs to get to the level of ugliness we allow it to. Resolve things for your own sake and enjoyment. Hold people accountable but understand that forgiveness and conflict resolution directly affects your own happiness and peace of mind.