I’ve met a lot of people in my life. All were different. Some, like me grew up in the suburbs of North York while others had never ventured out of the safe haven that is Scarborough. Some had energies that I gravitated towards instantly and felt at home with by the first drink we had together. Others I met, tried to forge friendships with but instead both of us started resembling two stubborn children trying to put together a puzzle piece in a picture that it wasn’t meant to fit in. We just couldn’t and thus went our separate ways, usually politely and gracefully. When we didn’t it was often because the puzzle piece at one point fit perfectly but eventually the picture still came undone. Shattered puzzle pieces around us, leaving politely and gracefully was no longer an option. Without getting sidetracked, yes, I’ve met a lot of people in my life and they all had one thing in common: they all spoke of being lonely and felt a sense of isolation from those around them. If only I had a beer ticket for every person I heard say the words, "I don't think I was born in the right time. I just don't feel right in the current world."
Some were the obvious choices; the ones I saw at concerts usually by themselves (bobbing their heads thoughtfully and carefully as to not look bored but we both knew they were); those that scratched their heads when they were encouraged to actually approach the girl they creeped online and the ones who talked openly and honestly about feeling out of place. They knew they weren’t really a part of the social world but were merely observers looking in; surrounded by a very busy world they felt had forgot them altogether.They didn't view themselves as participants, merely observers looking in (bobbing heads and all).
Then there were the ones who were not as transparent; social creatures you saw out and about doing what they did best. Like a pack of pretty pigeons they mingled on Queen West, took selfies everywhere and anywhere and did an online check-in before they were handed out menus. Creep their Facebook on any given Sunday and you will pics galore of them club hopping on Friday and various plates they tried at restos on Saturday. They were the people you hit unfollow to because their party pictures made you feel like going out when you knew you couldn’t. They were the ones responsible for the increasing epidemic categorized as deactivating your Facebook. And yet on a rare occasion they would reveal something personal and surprising. A secret insecurity festered inside them. A loneliness consumed them and even within a big group, mingling and being their pretty pigeon selves, they felt alone. They needed the place to loud and dark; only then were they able to silence the little voice that still told them that nobody really liked.
It’s quite ironic when you think of it; feeling alone and yet never physically being alone. Think about it, when was the last time you were left alone for a good 20 minutes at work? When didn't someone come barging in asking to borrow something? We are constantly
surrounded by people and yet the belief that you are alone is still as prevalent as always and that's because you are alone. We all
are.
If you think this post will be a step by step guide on how to overcome
loneliness, save yourself some time and look elsewhere. What I have come to
realize is that loneliness is an inherent part of being human. You will always
be lonely. You might feel lonely after you come home from a packed show at the Opera House. You
will feel sometimes feel lonely laying next to a good partner and you might just find yourself getting ready to raise a glass
to wish your best friend a happy birthday, stopping for a moment, looking around a crowded room with familiar faces and feeling
entirely alone. Who are these people? Do I truly know any of them? Just some of things you might ask yourself.
The beauty however is that the disconnection we feel is
the common denominator that connects us. To be human is to belong to the inclusion
of feeling lonely. Why am I shedding light
on the seemingly defeating idea that we are all lonely? For starters, most of us feel as if there
is something inherently wrong with us in that we feel lonely. Why can't I be like those mingling pretty pigeons on Queen West, you will ask yourself. The jokes on you though because they are just as lonely are you are because to be human
is to be lonely. To be honest is to be lonely and to accept that one will never feel entirely and thoroughly connected to anything or anyone.
The second reason for this post is to debunk the myth that being more social results in feeling less lonely. Sometimes the opposite effect will occur and you will feel more disconnected and out of place as you get busier and more social. Besides, the more people you meet the more your character and values are challenged. This will sting if you are not as strong as you think you are (most of us aren’t), being social will lose the allure it had when you first starting hitting going to ever Facebook event you were invited to.
In your quest to meet people and be social, one of the most heartbreaking realizations will be that there are those that will go out of their way to make you feel more lonely. Why? Because they haven't come to terms with their own loneliness and act out due to it. Rather than have it be a commonality between the both of you, their own lack of consciousness towards such feelings might even make you a target and as a result you will withdraw and sink deeper into your loneliness. A vicious cycle continued by those who do not see that our loneliness connects us, rather than divides us.
To accept one’s loneliness is not to admit defeat or somehow
decide to bow out from living within the world but rather it is to accept that
we are all connected by the feeling of disconnection. The idea that we are
alone exists because we are. Embrace it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ravish in it and let the idea
that you truly only have yourself give you strength. The idea that you only
have yourself is not a pessimistic one because it does not mean that there
aren’t strong connections to be formed, true love to be discovered and
heartfelt conversations to be had because the truth is there is. There is all
of that but you will still feel alone.
So what does one do with this knowledge that we all feel
disconnected from each other? If recent events have not worked as a catalyst to
increase the use of kindness to towards each other then I hope your own feeling
of loneliness will. Having an open heart and treating people with more care and
consideration might come easier when you accept the idea that the disconnection
you feel from the world, from your peers and from your own self, is the
same burden that your enemies feel as well. Let your own pain and
feelings of being forgotten drive you to create different experiences for
others. It is so easy to just get lost in the loneliness and forget that it is
the one thing that connects us all.
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