One of the oddest things I had felt in a long time was
sitting in the same proximity as someone I used to share meals with, share
laughs with and at one time, shared my heart with and not say more than one word. A
friendly hello and not utter anything more for the reminder of the train ride from
Davisville to Lawrence. Awkward
glances in the midst of the both of us looking busy (her on her phone, me going
over my daily planner) but nothing more. Not a single word or glance after the
initial hello. My pride does not want me to admit this but since we are all friends
here I will: I came home that night and I cried. I cried because there I sat on
a crowded train four feet away (it felt like miles) from someone I once talked
about moving to Vancouver with and
now we were strangers. I cried because I thought of all the people in my life I
had known, shared my life with and drifted apart from. I cried because it became abundantly clear,
now more than ever, that I would never be okay with saying goodbye to people
but above all, I cried because in that moment I felt like I would forever be
the person feeling the most, over-thinking the most and ultimately, hurting the
most.
Did my former friend come home and think of me and get sad
as well? Did our awkward run-in spark her own blog post? I doubt it. If you
are a regular reader then you know that I have a hard time saying goodbye to
people. Not because I can’t but because I never truly want to. The way I have
always seen it, once someone is in your hurt, aren’t they always? Once you care
about someone, don’t you always? Once someone touches your heart, then
shouldn’t they always? Is that too idealistic? Does that not hold people accountable for their misuse of you? Maybe but to me real friendship, real love
is ongoing; for better or for worse, through the thick
and thickest. Isn’t that the real definition of loyalty? To not give up on a
person even when you want to, even when you should?
Of course there are certain situations that require you to walk
away from somebody for your emotional or physical safety but the kind of world
where two former good girlfriends can sit in a public place, a few feet away from
each other, and not engage in conversation is not the kind of world I want to
live in. Above all, it’s not the kind of world I think I can live in. How can
someone like me live in a poker face encouraged society when I am the embodiment of heart
on my sleeve?
Though I sat on that train looking busy I did want to engage
in conversation. I did want to give her a hug and ask her what was new in her
life. I did want to ask how we got to this place to begin with. How did we go
from two girlfriends out on the town on College St.
to strangers on a train? How did we go from nibbling and sharing from each other's pasta dishes to this? Neither of us approached the other so maybe I am not such a bad
poker player after all. We just sat there, quietly, silently; politely minding our own business.
On that note, one of the biggest contrasts I have
witnessed as I get older is the way people deal with drifting apart and fall
outs. Admit it, when you were younger fights were more viscous but that is because you
loved deeper and cared more. To be close friends when you were young meant you
went to bat for each other any chance you got. Quietly drifting apart or being
passive aggressive seldom happened. As you got older, one’s tactics for letting go or de-friending became less aggressive; quieter but also harsher. I couldn’t imagine being a teenager, seeing a
former friend on the train and the both of us acting like we were strangers. There would be no poker faces, only hurt hearts
and possible tears.
I’m not sure if this is regression or spiritual evolution of
the human self to be more diplomatic and less emotional. Maybe a little of both but the way I have always
seen it, the most emotional person is the most honest person. What has happened
that we have all become less emotional and thus less honest? I wasn’t emotionally open on that train ride and thus I wasn’t
honest. I wasn’t honest with her or myself because the truth is I did want to reach out and
reconnect but the overwhelming demand from the world to be less emotionally transparent stopped me. That little thing called pride was also a factor. “She
wants to talk to me, let her approach me” I thought to myself.
On that note, why do we usually back off or suggest somebody to “relax, calm down” or shut them down on the spot when they are about to erupt with emotion? Is it because we keep our own emotions bottled up? Are our own emotions so beneath the surface, drowning gasping for air, suffocated by the world or not appreciated altogether, that we cant deal with others (however explosive they might be)?
Ask anybody who is a former recovering overly emotional or
expressive person and they will tell you of all the times they were told they were
too much emotion, not often diplomacy, too often heart, rarely logic. Perhaps you hear that enough and you withdraw altogether. That faucet you had that leaked raw emotion got torn out. In its place a superficial closet to store shiny things was built.
What has happened to the children and young adults who spoke
so freely and honestly? Have they been punished for being too verbal and grew
up to be guarded and non-expressive adults? When you think of the kind of head
games and demands that people put on relationships and friendships, I often wonder where
the purity and innocence of their former selves has left them? Is the inexperienced heart and the young love
the purest one there is? Is the crying adult in the corner of the bar (as off-putting as it is) the realest one of them all? Is the person who expresses
themselves as sincerely as possible and reaches out first (even when they
shouldn’t) the most evolved out of all of us?
Maybe that is the reason there are so many single and
disconnected adults in the world. Perhaps they keep comparing every romantic
potential they had to the one they had when they were young? Comparing mundane
dates discussing work to the sweaty palms and heart raising lunches at
McDonalds. Maybe it’s rare to see two
girlfriends who have been by each other’s side for over 10 years because as adults
we stop striving for friendships and relationships that are thoroughly transparent. Those where we feel we can express ourselves to the fullest; however raw.
Or maybe that is just a part of growing up and becoming a
full- fledged adult and I need to accept that once and for all. That being
thoroughly honest with your emotions is not appreciated nor is it welcomed.
That’s what the world has shown me and thus I sat on that train looking
busy, going through my planner, not being my emotional and honest self.
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