Is the truest love and the most sincere friendship when you are young? The seemingly misfortune of growing up and the shaming of the emotional.

One of the oddest things I had felt in a long time was sitting in the same proximity as someone I used to share meals with, share laughs with and at one time, shared my heart with and not say more than one word. A friendly hello and not utter anything more for the reminder of the train ride from Davisville to Lawrence. Awkward glances in the midst of the both of us looking busy (her on her phone, me going over my daily planner) but nothing more. Not a single word or glance after the initial hello. My pride does not want me to admit this but since we are all friends here I will: I came home that night and I cried. I cried because there I sat on a crowded train four feet away (it felt like miles) from someone I once talked about moving to Vancouver with and now we were strangers. I cried because I thought of all the people in my life I had known, shared my life with and drifted apart from. I cried because it became abundantly clear, now more than ever, that I would never be okay with saying goodbye to people but above all, I cried because in that moment I felt like I would forever be the person feeling the most, over-thinking the most and ultimately, hurting the most.

Did my former friend come home and think of me and get sad as well? Did our awkward run-in spark her own blog post? I doubt it. If you are a regular reader then you know that I have a hard time saying goodbye to people. Not because I can’t but because I never truly want to. The way I have always seen it, once someone is in your hurt, aren’t they always? Once you care about someone, don’t you always? Once someone touches your heart, then shouldn’t they always? Is that too idealistic? Does that not hold people accountable for their misuse of you? Maybe but to me real friendship, real love is ongoing; for better or for worse, through the thick and thickest. Isn’t that the real definition of loyalty? To not give up on a person even when you want to, even when you should?

Of course there are certain situations that require you to walk away from somebody for your emotional or physical safety but the kind of world where two former good girlfriends can sit in a public place, a few feet away from each other, and not engage in conversation is not the kind of world I want to live in. Above all, it’s not the kind of world I think I can live in. How can someone like me live in a poker face encouraged society when I am the embodiment of heart on my sleeve?

Though I sat on that train looking busy I did want to engage in conversation. I did want to give her a hug and ask her what was new in her life. I did want to ask how we got to this place to begin with. How did we go from two girlfriends out on the town on College St. to strangers on a train? How did we go from nibbling and sharing from each other's pasta dishes to this? Neither of us approached the other so maybe I am not such a bad poker player after all. We just sat there, quietly, silently; politely minding our own business.

On that note, one of the biggest contrasts I have witnessed as I get older is the way people deal with drifting apart and fall outs. Admit it, when you were younger fights were more viscous but that is because you loved deeper and cared more. To be close friends when you were young meant you went to bat for each other any chance you got. Quietly drifting apart or being passive aggressive seldom happened. As you got older, one’s tactics for letting go or de-friending became less aggressive; quieter but also harsher.  I couldn’t imagine being a teenager, seeing a former friend on the train and the both of us acting like we were strangers. There would be no poker faces, only hurt hearts and possible tears.

I’m not sure if this is regression or spiritual evolution of the human self to be more diplomatic and less emotional. Maybe a little of both but the way I have always seen it, the most emotional person is the most honest person. What has happened that we have all become less emotional and thus less honest? I wasn’t emotionally open on that train ride and thus I wasn’t honest. I wasn’t honest with her or myself because the truth is I did want to reach out and reconnect but the overwhelming demand from the world to be less emotionally transparent stopped me. That little thing called pride was also a factor. “She wants to talk to me, let her approach me” I thought to myself.

On that note, why do we usually back off or suggest somebody to “relax, calm down” or shut them down on the spot when they are about to erupt with emotion? Is it because we keep our own emotions bottled up? Are our own emotions  so beneath the surface, drowning gasping for air, suffocated by the world or not appreciated altogether, that we cant deal with others (however explosive they might be)?

Ask anybody who is a former recovering overly emotional or expressive person and they will tell you of all the times they were told they were too much emotion, not often diplomacy, too often heart, rarely logic. Perhaps you hear that enough and you withdraw altogether. That faucet you had that leaked raw emotion got torn out. In its place a superficial closet to store shiny things was built.

What has happened to the children and young adults who spoke so freely and honestly? Have they been punished for being too verbal and grew up to be guarded and non-expressive adults? When you think of the kind of head games and demands that people put on relationships and friendships, I often wonder where the purity and innocence of their former selves has left them? Is the inexperienced heart and the young love the purest one there is? Is the crying adult in the corner of the bar (as off-putting as it is) the realest one of them all? Is the person who expresses themselves as sincerely as possible and reaches out first (even when they shouldn’t) the most evolved out of all of us? 

Maybe that is the reason there are so many single and disconnected adults in the world. Perhaps they keep comparing every romantic potential they had to the one they had when they were young? Comparing mundane dates discussing work to the sweaty palms and heart raising lunches at McDonalds.  Maybe it’s rare to see two girlfriends who have been by each other’s side for over 10 years because as adults we stop striving for friendships and relationships that are thoroughly transparent. Those where we feel we can express ourselves to the fullest; however raw. 

Or maybe that is just a part of growing up and becoming a full- fledged adult and I need to accept that once and for all. That being thoroughly honest with your emotions is not appreciated nor is it welcomed. That’s what the world has shown me and thus I sat on that train looking busy, going through my planner, not being my emotional and honest self.

The Inclusion of Loneliness and the Importance of Kindness

I’ve met a lot of people in my life. All were different. Some, like me grew up in the suburbs of North York while others had never ventured out of the safe haven that is Scarborough. Some had energies that I gravitated towards instantly and felt at home with by the first drink we had together. Others I met, tried to forge friendships with but instead both of us started resembling two stubborn children trying to put together a puzzle piece in a picture that it wasn’t meant to fit in. We just couldn’t and thus went our separate ways, usually politely and gracefully. When we didn’t it was often because the puzzle piece at one point fit perfectly but eventually the picture still came undone. Shattered puzzle pieces around us, leaving politely and gracefully was no longer an option. Without getting sidetracked, yes, I’ve met a lot of people in my life and they all had one thing in common: they all spoke of being lonely and felt a sense of isolation from those around them. If only I had a beer ticket for every person I heard say the words, "I don't think I was born in the right time. I just don't feel right in the current world." 

Some were the obvious choices; the ones I saw at concerts usually by themselves (bobbing their heads thoughtfully and carefully as to not look bored but we both knew they were); those that scratched their heads when they were encouraged to actually approach the girl they creeped online and the ones who talked openly and honestly about feeling out of place. They knew they weren’t really a part of the social world but were merely observers looking in; surrounded by a very busy world they felt had forgot them altogether.They didn't view themselves as participants, merely observers looking in (bobbing heads and all).

Then there were the ones who were not as transparent; social creatures you saw out and about doing what they did best.  Like a pack of pretty pigeons they mingled on Queen West, took selfies everywhere and anywhere and did an online check-in before they were handed out menus. Creep their Facebook on any given Sunday and you will pics galore of them club hopping on Friday and various plates they tried at restos on Saturday. They were the people you hit unfollow to because their party pictures made you feel like going out when you knew you couldn’t. They were the ones responsible for the increasing epidemic categorized as deactivating your Facebook. And yet on a rare occasion they would reveal something personal and surprising. A secret insecurity festered inside them. A loneliness consumed them and even within a big group, mingling and being their pretty pigeon selves, they felt alone. They needed the place to loud and dark; only then were they able to silence the little voice that still told them that nobody really liked.

It’s quite ironic when you think of it; feeling alone and yet never physically being alone. Think about it, when was the last time you were left alone for a good 20 minutes at work? When didn't someone come barging in asking to borrow something? We are constantly surrounded by people and yet the belief that you are alone is still as prevalent as always and that's because you are alone. We all are. 

If you think this post will be a step by step guide on how to overcome loneliness, save yourself some time and look elsewhere. What I have come to realize is that loneliness is an inherent part of being human. You will always be lonely. You might feel lonely after you come home from a packed show at the Opera House. You will feel sometimes feel lonely laying next to a good partner and you might just find yourself getting ready to raise a glass to wish your best friend a happy birthday, stopping for a moment, looking around a crowded room with familiar faces and feeling entirely alone. Who are these people? Do I truly know any of them? Just some of things you might ask yourself.

The beauty however is that the disconnection we feel is the common denominator that connects us. To be human is to belong to the inclusion of feeling lonely. Why am I shedding light on the seemingly defeating idea that we are all lonely? For starters, most of us feel as if there is something inherently wrong with us in that we feel lonely. Why can't I be like those mingling pretty pigeons on Queen West, you will ask yourself. The jokes on you though because they are just as lonely are you are because to be human is to be lonely. To be honest is to be lonely and to accept that one will never feel entirely and thoroughly connected to anything or anyone. 

The second reason for this post is to debunk the myth that being more social results in feeling less lonely. Sometimes the opposite effect will occur and you will feel more disconnected and out of place as you get busier and more social. Besides, the more people you meet the more your character and values are challenged. This will sting if you are not as strong as you think you are (most of us aren’t), being social will lose the allure it had when you first starting hitting going to ever Facebook event you were invited to. 

In your quest to meet people and be social, one of the most heartbreaking realizations will be that there are those that will go out of their way to make you feel more lonely. Why? Because they haven't come to terms with their own loneliness and act out due to it. Rather than have it be a commonality between the both of you, their own lack of consciousness towards such feelings might even make you a target and as a result you will withdraw and sink deeper into your loneliness. A vicious cycle continued by those who do not see that our loneliness connects us, rather than divides us.

To accept one’s loneliness is not to admit defeat or somehow decide to bow out from living within the world but rather it is to accept that we are all connected by the feeling of disconnection. The idea that we are alone exists because we are. Embrace it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ravish in it and let the idea that you truly only have yourself give you strength. The idea that you only have yourself is not a pessimistic one because it does not mean that there aren’t strong connections to be formed, true love to be discovered and heartfelt conversations to be had because the truth is there is. There is all of that but you will still feel alone.

So what does one do with this knowledge that we all feel disconnected from each other? If recent events have not worked as a catalyst to increase the use of kindness to towards each other then I hope your own feeling of loneliness will. Having an open heart and treating people with more care and consideration might come easier when you accept the idea that the disconnection you feel from the world, from your peers and from your own self, is the same burden that your enemies feel as well. Let your own pain and feelings of being forgotten drive you to create different experiences for others. It is so easy to just get lost in the loneliness and forget that it is the one thing that connects us all.