The Vulnerability of Being A Woman

When I was growing up in the suburbs of North York, things like gender and the repercussions of being born female did not dominate my mind. Kathleen Wynn had not yet implemented her radical sex-ed curriculum and the only times gender was discussed was when it was in relation to physical health. I lived my life with a type of rose-colored glasses approach that made me believe that I can be friends with males and it can be cool. I can walk around Bathurst and Finch at 11 pm with my headphones on blast listening to Aqua without so much as a bat of my mascara painted lash and the fact that I was a female put me in so less danger physically, mentally or emotionally than if I was born male. Silly girl I was. 

Going forward 15 years later and I am singing a different tune. Why? Because being friends with a guy usually meant that sometime in our friendship he’d sit me down, I’d take a breath (knowing what's to come) and hear him utter, “You know I like more than a friend right?” The next 10 minutes would involve me explaining to him that the fact that I bought him a drink the other night was just me being a generous friend. That time I threw him a birthday party; again just me being a good “bro” (if I didn’t have tits and a vagina). The next day he'd be upset and something along the lines of, "I can't be friends with someone who lead me on" would be waiting for me in my inbox. After a few of these I realized that because of my gender I could never just be another bro.

After having several of such encounters in my life I couldn’t close my eyes anymore to what was so blatantly in front of me. My gender and the fact that I was born female would never allow me to inherent the effects of certain situations as a male would. I couldn’t be touchy feeling with a male I saw as my little/big brother without him thinking I wanted him. I couldn’t have a really friendly conversation with a male friend online without someone deciphering it as flirty and I definitely could not walk up to a guy wearing a GNR tee and wanna blab about Chinese Democracy without him claiming, “Karina just totally hit on me.” You can say I’m reaching but its happened too many times for it all just to be coincidence. 

I can no longer close my eyes and continue to sing the tune of, “I can do anything a man does.” I can’t and I’ve accepted that. I can also no longer close my eyes to the fact that because I was born female I am at risk every single day of my life to violence by a male. If you think I am exaggerating you obviously do not take public transit and or spend much time in crowded downtown places or are a woman. I do and I see women constantly being intimidated, called derogatory names, sometimes shoved and on a really busy day, a combination of all those things. I see some of them yell back or somehow position their bodies to look as though they are gonna make his day but we both know they wont. How can they? How can a 5’6 woman (even a fit one) go up against an average sized male? Sure I love the idea of tit for tat and women serving up a slice of never-disrespect-a-woman-again-Joe but how realistic is that? It’s not. Most everyday acts of physical mistreatment (it can be a simple fling of an arm in a busy walkway that can actually hurt if you have a much smaller, delicate arm) that women are faced with everyday of their lives goes unnoticed (not everyone is a writer and taking mental notes on everything that they see around them), unreported and above all, accepted and normalized as, "Listen, missy, this is Toronto. You are bound to get a little roughed up if you don't move fast enough." 

It is in those situations (where there is no polite, “Oh I’m so sorry miss, didn’t see you there; hope that didn’t hurt.”) that women are reminded that even if they are wronged there isn’t much they can do about it. You can yell back at him, “Hey, watch it, buddy!” (as I do) but even then sexism goes against you and you are left to look like the crazy one. The one overreacting over a simple brush of the hand. Ask any woman who has ever experienced "a simple brush of the hand" from a man how it felt. Some might even surprise you and tell you they noticed a small bruise the next day. That's what happens when somebody 2 times bigger than you brushes their hand heavily on your shoulder as you are walking out onto the busy street.

Don’t think the suppression of women only happens in crowded, urban spaces though. One needs to look at the intriguing yet dangerous world of the Internet to see the double standard that exists between the sexes. Aside from my own patriarchal thread bashing experience (read:  http://theocdmind.blogspot.ca/2015/10/online-mob-mentality-bandwagon-hating.html I’ve witnessed many posts and statuses that I think crossed the line. Don’t get me wrong, I can take and deliver a sexist, no ill will meaning joke like any bro but many I’ve seen oozed outright hatred and a sort of disregard for women that have made me want to call their mother and say, "Bang up job, madam." When I'd fantasize about doing that I had to remind myself that itself is sexist. 

Sexism is so inherently wired that we like to place blame on mothers (not fathers) for how children grow up. Ever watch one of those old school movies that are on Saturday nights? If there is ever a parent and teacher interview and little junior had been bad, almost always the mother gets a scolding too. The father is usually seen shaking his head in disapproval of the both of them. Sorta like, "Shame, shame, wife and son. What am I gonna do with the both of yous?" Fascinating ain't it?

Speaking of online sexism, a few weeks ago I had someone on my friend’s list post a viral video of a woman politely rejecting a male’s request for a date with the caption “Bitch.” I had a lot to do that morning but I couldn’t bite my tongue and calmly expressed to former Facebook friend how a) a woman is allowed to reject anyone, anytime, all day, every day and b) what did she do that made him categorize her as a “bitch.” His absurd remarks went on about how women play with guys and that is what makes them bitches (I think I’m quoting him actually). My heart broke just a little when he replied with that. Not because this was possibly going to be somebody’s father one day but that I live in a world full of millions of men who think they are entitled to women’s minds, bodies and above all, their time (our most precious resource, sir) for the simple fact that they are seemingly nice men just looking to chat you up. Sorry bruh, I never got that memo. You know that one that said that just because you are engaging with me I need to engage back and if I don't I am somehow an evil bitch. 

How fascinating would it be if the tables were reversed and women were allowed to put the label "asshole" on every man crush who shot them down. Instead they are encouraged to take rejection with grace and a sort of unemotional response that doesn't let things be weird. Heaven forbid they get weird? Doesn’t seem very fair to judge women for not being interested, now does it?

The day all men (and women) recognize that everything is a personal decision and whether to engage in something as simple as a conversation is also a decision that I have full right to terminate at any point in time, it is then that the patriarchal entitlement that suffocates women of all ages and races can be lessened.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a woman (almost) every single day of my life but the older I get the more I see the discrimination, the silencing and stigmatization of the woman (it gets even worse if you an overly expressive one like me). Next time you are out walking somewhere really busy, be mindful of who you may (accidentally) fling with your arm. If it is a woman, apologize and don’t act tough, for she already knows you in control at that moment.