Bonnie + Clyde

Real love is forever...
It does not hurt, it does not break, it does not retaliate.
If anything it loves harder and stronger than yesterday.

It may want to hurt back (if ever hurt) but it does not know how for it knows only to love.
Programmed that way and set on indefinitely.
Want to switch the button to nonchalant but never seem to be able to move it.

Even when the mind tells it to bow out, hit restart with someone else and hurt back, real love will only love...

Stronger, deeper, harder than it did before. 

It will love today,
It will love tomorrow
It will love forever...

The Immense Power of Personal Growth through Trivial Actions

 
When I was younger I used to say that love was the meaning of life. To have love, to be loved was why we are here. Nowadays as a wiser(ish) and more mature(ish) gal, I live by a slightly different mantra: growth is the meaning of life. To know more, to do more and ultimately to be more is the reason we are all here. In other words, experiencing mental and emotional growth is the most important thing in my current to-do list. I would say that I really started adapting this mantra in the last two years but I hadn’t yet fully implemented or rather seen it materialize in my physical actions as much as I did last week. What did I do that made me say, “Holy shit, I am experiencing growth.” Well, to be honest, I simply walked out of a movie midway with a half eaten bag of popcorn. Yes, trivial to you but immensely metaphorical to me. Let me explain.

I’m someone who always prided myself on staying and watching a movie in a theatre till the end; no matter how much I disliked it. I felt I owed this to the people who made it (one day Michael Bay will send me a personalized thank you note for watching Transformers 2 from start to finish), the awkward kid who served me my buttered popcorn but above all I felt I owed that to my own self. I always felt that I needed to stay until something was officially done, until the credits rolled, the house lights came on and the chatter began because that was the right thing to do. I actually would feel guilty if I ever wanted to leave before a movie finished because to me it somehow meant that I was becoming the type of person that I detested. You know, the type that walked out of situations the moment they were no longer having fun or enjoying themselves. I also used to think, “Well maybe the movie will somehow take a triumphant turn for the better and become one of my all time favourites.” Needless to say that never happened. Does it ever? Usually a movie I thought was not memorable or enjoyable in the beginning was not memorable or enjoyable till the end. 

To stay till the very end was my mantra but last week I changed that, I walked out of a movie because I simply was no longer enjoying what was projected in front of me. I was no longer stimulated or having fun and if you are no longer stimulated or having fun, what’s the point? Maybe the type of person I detested all these years (the leave when its no longer fun type) had it right all along and it was I who had it backwards? Not even the extra buttered popcorn I was gobbling on could take away my boredom. I thought to myself, “There are so many other things I could be doing right now” and that's when for the first time in my life I got up (slowly and quietly, no need to make a disturbance for those that liked watching grown women swoon and get giddy over oiled up male entertainers traveling in a frozen yogurt truck for one last hooray) and left. Yes, not even Channing Tatum could have changed my mind about staying.

I left Empress Walk that night feeling empowered and with a new approach to experiences and that is, if I am not enjoying my time somewhere, I will take myself out of it. Weird looks, judgment and a half eaten bag of popcorn be damned. Why? Because I only have one life and to spend it on activities that I am not enjoying is not how I wish to live it.

We’ve all stayed and watched movies we didn’t necessarily like (maybe it was a free movie, maybe you felt you owed it to the person you were watching it with or maybe you hated knowing that all eyes would be on you as you tiptoed down the barely lit steps) but to continually repeat the cycle of being in situations that do not feed you (mind, body and soul); to remain seated when you want to get up and run out; and to feel as if you should be at point H when you are at point B is not a life I think any of us deserve to live. 

It’s such a comforting thought to know that we have choices, is it not? You can choose who you would like spend your time with. You can choose whether you would like to see a movie solo or with a companion and you can choose whether to stay or leave anytime you want, whenever you want, wherever you are. Anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

I left a movie midway last week because I couldn’t spend another morsel of my healthy, productive and beautiful life not feeling as if I am exactly where I want to be. Growth is building, rebuilding, transforming and structuring your life in a way where you can close your eyes and are exactly where you want to be. And my apologies to the folks that actually liked Magic Mike XXL.

How to Give Yourself Closure in a Dismissive and Busy World.

If you have ever held a grudge, you know that doing so creates an electric shock barrier of sorts that makes you feel detached from those around you. The ones that do still come around risk being zapped the minute they touch you. You may not even notice when you are embroiled in Hurricane Anger but if you look back at your life and are completely honest I think you will admit that the times you were the most angriest is also the times you were the least liked. I know such is true for myself.

I’ve always compared carrying around anger similarly to wearing a really old smelly shirt that you think you look great in but everyone around walks away as soon as you enter the room. “Sorry gotta run, places to be, people to see” they will tell you even though both of you know that is a lie. And it is for that reason I have always looked at conflict resolution and heart-to-hearts as gifts of sorts that we give to each that make everyone in an unpleasant situation sleep just a little better (never mind that we also replace our old shirts with fresh ones). Have I lost you with that overly cliché last line? Hope not because at the root living with resentment and lack of closure is something I do not think anyone should live with. And yet how does one give themselves closure when the person is unwilling to talk or is not physically here to have that conversation with you.

As someone who had lost their father at a young age I’ve had many conversations with my dad through me imagining he was here with me listening to me or even through the action of a letter I pretended he would read one day. Though it may sound strange- writing a letter for a dead man, it never felt strange. After every one-on-one conversation with my father I felt lighter and though I knew he was not there in the physical to hear what I needed him to hear, I always walked away feeling better.

It is that kind of dialogue that does not necessarily need the existence of the other person that I would like to suggest to those who are looking for closure and not receiving it.

I want you to lock yourself in a room, pretend the other person is there and say everything you need them to hear. It is important to note that the “response” is not what matters because in this case there will not be a response of sorts (though sometimes I do imagine what my father would say to me in return) and that’s okay because closure is for yourself. Closure, at the root, is about you, not the other person and so one does not necessarily need them in order to get it.

If anything, you may appreciate the action of having a “pretend” conversation where you express everything you need.

1. Time constraints is not an issue.

I don’t know about you but I am sort of infamous for going on and on (I blame my stellar verbal skills) and at times I have been told “Ok, I get it, you can stop now” and though I understand where they are coming from, I still feel I have more to say to them; more of what I need them to hear from me in order to move in. In a situation where you pretend the other person is with you, there is no risk or being cut off as the conversation exists for as long as you need it too. You are there to talk as long as you’d like without fear of being told to stop talking.

2. Living or dead, you still get to say how you feel.

One of the many unfortunate things about having someone die is the living person going on with their life knowing that they would never again have a face to face and say the things they wanted to. That is completely false. As I mentioned I have conversations with my father all the time and though you might think that it does no good to talk to a dead man, let me tell you, that it does. Relationships and bonds transcend the physical and so just because someone is not here in the physical why should you pretend they are not here at all? If you have someone in your life that you feel you owe an apology to that is no longer here, take some time, pretend they are with you and tell them everything you need to. It will help, trust me on that one.

3. No one will interrupt or confuse you.

Have you ever had the perfect speech in your head and then have it all go to hell because the other person brought up something completely unrelated or somehow used manipulation tactics? In a conversation involving only yourself there is no risk of being interrupted, getting the subject derailed or having your mind go blank after hearing something that triggers an emotional reaction and everything that you prepared to say is now overshadowed by either confusion or anger. Lack of closure also occurs when a conversation had taken place but you talked about something unrelated or you felt as if everything you brought up was met with resistance and more questions.

The misleading aspect regarding closure is that you need at least two people to make it happen. That is not true as closure can be found in writing letters to someone who may or may not receive them and continuing to have conversations even when the other person is not there physically.

So tonight, sit that person down metaphorically and express everything you need to. It may take some getting used to but believe me the action of hearing words out loud that have been in your head and heart for perhaps years is a tremendous feeling. The actual verbal expression of things you need to say is what will give you closure. Never mind that the person is not there to actually hear them because closure is first and foremost for yourself.  Besides, you said your peace, you put the words out in the universe and so why is that not enough?

Sometimes closure is realizing that there is no resolution, no happy ending that mends a friendship or relationship but that itself is closure. We all have people in our past and present who owe us apologies, who coincidentally we may also owe apologies to and that is why conversations- even with our own selves- are so important. All the power you need to feel different is within you. Never mind those who hurt us for no good reason and never even came back to see the damage they caused. You are your own personal paramedics.

If you have ever taken anything away from my writing I hope it is that you must always say how you feel and in this case even if the other person is nowhere to be found. Closure takes an investment in precious time, energy and emotion as you are forced to hear the other person to the fullest. Sometimes we are not given any of those things but that does not mean we cannot give ourselves the gift of closure. And what a gift it is. 

Untitled

Want that feeling back.
You know that one you have once and never forget and continue to long for.

You know that one that makes you forget about to do lists and errands.
The one that makes you stay in bed all day on a work day and feel zero guilt. 

That feeling that rivals every other one.
The one you gave me...

You said, "lightning does not strike twice" but it has to.
That feeling, I need it...

The Art of Breaking-up With Someone Not Like an Asshole

Whether you are on the one cultivating the break-up or the poor sap on the receiving end of a cold dish they didn’t order called, “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” ("No sir, you can't send it back and order something else), I hate to point out the obvious but break-ups are not fun (like 8 hours of listening to the Crash Test Dummies not fun). First, there’s the possibility that this person you once called every night to say goodnight may not want to continue to just be your friend and will leave your life permanently. You’ll call them on their birthday, hoping that enough time has passed by and you two can at least be friendly but they won’t want to talk to you because to them you are still the same person who wanted to no longer sleep with them. Will you ever find another person who got every single Seinfeld reference you ever made? Maybe not but if you are going to break-up anyways here’s how to do it gracefully and kindly.

1. Don’t do anything that resembles cheating before you officially go your separate ways and a conversation had taken place.

The truth is, most people start emotionally detaching themselves from a relationship they are no longer happy in long before the break-up talk is had. As harmless and justified as online flirting (aka non physical cheating) seems while you are with someone you do not wish to be with anymore, it is not harmless nor is it a cool thing to do to your soon to be ex. For your own karma and sense of integrity, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you while still together, no matter how unhappy you are. It’s easy to seek the fun and ease you once had with your partner in the beginning but look for that after you officially break-up and go your separate ways. Pursue and/or be pursued when the other person knows that you two are officially done. It’s easier that way for everyone involved and if you really want to show that you are a person of quality, do not have someone lined up right after. Show yourself that you can be single and can mourn the end of a relationship in a way that is respectful to your ex, even if it you who is doing the breaking up. You just said goodbye to someone you spent 8 months with and though you know its the best decision long term, it will hurt and so let it hurt. Feel the pain, remember the good times and take some time to truly understand who you are and what you need.

2. Writing your thoughts out in an email or text is fine as a prelude but some face-to-face interaction should come as well.

We invite each other to our birthdays via Facebook, we express affection through emoticons we put in text and so why cant one start the break-up conversation via text or email as well? Now before you label every person who sent a break-up text as cold-hearted and/or cowardly, try to understand where they are coming from. Writing everything concisely and accurately in email or text allows one to express themselves clearly and firmly. You also give the other person a private moment to collect their thoughts, maybe shed a few tears and curse your name in vain without you being there (for both of your sake). After the email or text, you should see each other (granted they want to see you) and have an honest face-to-face conversation with the person already prepared and knowing your intentions.

Too many times I have heard people derail a break-up conversation because the other person got too emotional or somehow manipulated them to stay. With written words it is easier to convey and stay firm in what you are expressing. The truth is, you want out and chances are they probably already know it.

3. Make sure the first person you tell that the break-up is on the horizon is the actual person you want to break up with. 

It’s good to have friends that you are open with but I have always found it astounding how people talk more about their relationship problems with others than they do with their own partners. Do not tell your group of friends (or worse, mutual friends) that you two are headed for the end. Yes, its tempting to want to seek sympathy and get other people's opinion but give your ex and the relationship the privacy it deserves. Nothing is worse than seeing a mutual friend and them revealing all the problems you had with your ex they never revealed to you. The only people who should be involved in a break-up conversation are the two people who shared a bed together. Everybody else becomes this uninvited third wheel that makes everything awkward.Ever had a third person lay in your bed, believe me, its awkward.

4. Be gentle, patient and if your own strength allows, even a bit selfless.

I view break-ups in a very “what is meant for me is solely for me and will come for me” laissez-faire, new-age kinda way (you just rolled your eyes, I know). Simply put, I have the ability and emotional growth to still stay friends or at the very least be friendly with an ex (even if the poor bastard dumped me) but others may not and you need to accept that. Be kind when they throw something viscous your way and try to understand that their anger is just undealt pain and rejection. Be patient and know that they may not want to talk to you in a few days or in some cases a few decades. Be selfless in that you may need to curb the urge to reach out to them when you miss them because not talking to you is the best thing for them right now. Having someone you cared about leave you hurts. Respect and sympathize that their own growth, stability and mental health means that you two may never hang out again, no matter how well your intentions are.

5. Walk away with no regrets.

I’m not sure about all of you but I have never rejected someone I didn’t want back again at some point in time but I refuse to focus on the seemingly missed opportunity and instead choose to focus on the fact that something made me turn a corner in my relationship. Something made me doubt this person’s ability to love me and treat me the way I feel I needed to be. Something made me imagine my life without them and images of my life with them brought me worry. Something made me think that this wasn’t it for me and thus I let go. Trust your own instincts, silly premonitions (they aren't so silly after all, are they?) and believe that you know who can make you happy and who cannot.

If you are the one being broken up with, I feel for you. If you are the one doing the breaking up, I feel for you as well. We all deserve to be happy with someone who brings out the best in us. Break up with someone and take breaking up in a way that shows that you have integrity. Allow yourself to feel the pain but remember that the definition of real love is when you wish happiness for that person even if you are not part of the equation. Anything less than that just makes you an asshole, bro.

To Forgive and Forget in a Pain-Filled World(?)

There are a few things you can always count on when it comes to me: blogs no less than 1,000 words, my endless defense of the idea that Chinese Democracy was the best album of 2008 (I said quiet, haters!) and a heart that doesn’t bounce back as easily as I would like from pain that others have brought my way. You didn’t know the Karinmister is a very sensitive Cancer that is all mush inside and all hard shell outside? You do now. So much so that reliving through dialogue a fallout with an ex-best friend when I was 16 actually stung a bit. Confident and resilient me was transformed back to 2000 and it became clear that the pain associated with being betrayed was still real in 2015. “My god” I thought “I’ve never truly gotten over anything” and thus I ask: do we ever? Do we ever fully move on from anything traumatic that came our way? Do we ever look at the person who didn’t extend the slightest crumb of the compassion cookie the same way as we did as when we feasted with them on steak and martinis at N’awlins? Simply put, is there truly such a thing as forgive and forget?

Let’s break down the notion of forgive and forget shall we. The mantra urges us to act as a holy entity of sorts that can be misused, disregarded, thrown away, betrayed, called every name in the book and yet all will be forgotten the minute that person realizes they sinned. We will extend our arms and welcome them back into our lives because they apologized and a good person accepts an apology. Right? In theory, it’s a great mantra because it means that there is no such thing as burning bridges but rather only redemption filled lanes that oversee gardens filled with white lilies. I ask though- how practical is that because if a snake bites are you not forever hesitant of petting it again, no matter how much it claims to have changed? The forgive and forget mantra however urges you to pet the snake even though it bit you and left you bloody and bruised. And if you don’t you will be called an unforgiving snake hater whose heart does not know how to forgive and play nice with snakes. Yes, you will be the one in the wrong because you refused to pet the snake that almost bit your hand off. "Shame on you, unforgiving snake hater" some people will yell to you as you walk along Queen West. You don’t want to be that person, do you? Neither do I but I will admit it, I find it hard to pet a snake after it has bit me. Yes, that is the premise of forgive and forget. To pet a snake after is has bit you.

The reality however is that sometimes a certain snake bite is so hard that we spend years trying to heal from it or pretend the bite mark is not there altogether. Chances are you tended to your bruise by yourself and did the best you could to still live in the zoo and pretend you weren’t weary of every passing snake you saw. You might have even spent a night or two weeping while asking yourself, “Why did it hurt me, I never meant it harm” while clutching your bleeding hand/heart. Then, lo and behold, the snake that bit you reaches out and expresses some sort of regret for the bite. Though you want to move on and go back to playing nice with the snake (Lord knows you two used to have a lot of snake fun together), you look down at your bruise and you are reminded that this snake has bitten you. Your thoughts run back to that time you even cried yourself to sleep, clutching your arm and thinking, “I didn’t deserve this.” Most snake bites aren’t deserved though.

When face to face with the sorry snake that sunk its teeth into you, you think how great it would be to go back and play nice with the snake. To cover up the bruise you think of how you could wear a long sleeve shirt, add a little more ointment to your regular regime and you two can go back to the way it was. The reality most times however is that though you double up on the ointment, try to make sense of what happened and ultimately try to forget the bite mark was ever there, it is there. So I ask you- how do you pretend a bruise is not there when it is? That’s what forgive and forget means to me- to pretend a bruise is not there. To be around somebody who bite you and to not acknowledge that they did. To wear a long sleeve shirt, hiding my bite mark and telling people I’m cold when I'm boiling inside.

The truth is- I am hard on those wronged me because I’m afraid of getting in the habit of always forgiving and eventually becoming immune to snake venom. An interesting thing occurs when you start allowing people to hurt you and then walk back into your life as though nothing as happened- you start accepting that that is the way it is; despicable behaviour becomes this normalized thing that you are supposed to forgive the moment that person realizes they were wrong. 

Another interesting thing that occurs when one starts settling for less, it starts accepting it deserves less. But above all, forgiving every bite that ever comes your way makes you think that it is normal to be bitten. Personally, I’m afraid not holding snakes accountable for their bites and becoming this person who parades through life, singing to the tune of forgive and forget while wearing long sleeves and all while saying, “I’m okay, I forgave you” when the truth is, I didn't and I'm not okay (not even close).

And yet I am the first to say that forgiveness is first and foremost for the person who has been hurt. For that past pain becomes this unpleasant and present burden that they continue to walk around with while everyone else (who coincidentally did not get as hurt) has moved on. There was a theory I heard once and that is that if you are truly honest with yourself then you know that you will never get over any trauma fully and wholeheartedly. Now before you say, “That’s the most pessimistic thing I have ever heard in my entire life” listen to what it says. That everything that has hurt you is in some way a part of you. Every person who has ever hurt you has changed you and so every piece of trauma is engrained in you. To escape it, to forget that hurt is to not know yourself. To forgive and forget is to not be aware of everything that you have ever felt and consequently, lived through. To ask me to forgive and forget is to ask me to forget who I am and the things that have made up my character.

I think another reason I find it hard to forgive and forget is because many times others do things I would never. I know it is brutally unfair to expect everyone to act like I would but believe me, if you know me personally then you know that going out of my way to hurt another human being is not something I would do. Make no mistake though when pushed, I will say, “Ouch, that hurt, don’t push” and when insulted I will utter, “Don’t be a rude bitch” but to throw the first blow is something that I seldom have done. And even when I somewhat retaliate because I have been struck first (I am only human, people) I still feel bad. For example, the other day I told an ex-friend that my boyfriend would bash his face in if he continued to talk shit (isn't it the most unbecoming thing when a guy becomes a gossip queen?) Though many said the threat of a face bashing was justified for the things I was called, it didn’t take away from the fact that I felt bad when made that threat. I still feel bad. For every person I have ever hurt as retaliation for being hurt I feel bad. And so I sometimes wonder: is it a gift or a curse that my heart hurts for those I have hurt? Is it a gift or a curse to be the one always trying to be my higher self and turn the other cheek even when I shouldn’t? Is it a gift or a curse to be mistreated and to not want to hurt them the same way they hurt me? I’m not sure anymore. I just know that when I hurt another human being as a retaliation for being hurt, I feel as if I am hurting my own self. But what is even more hurtful is that very few people feel the same guilt for the times they are the one dishing it out?

If you live by the idea that all anger is pain then you might understand why I have turned the other cheek more times than I should have. To anyone who has hurt me I have looked at and said “This is all pain, I will not retaliate” but I wonder if me not retaliating has brought me more resentment towards them than it would have had I retaliated and carried out even a smidge of what they dished out my way. Simply put, if you are someone in my life who had wronged me, came back and realized real fast that this is not an open arms welcome, please know one thing, I am not hate-filled nor do walk around being burdened by the pain you caused me. Rather, I am still shocked that you were able to hurt me in a way I would never hurt you. I am still shocked that you were able to disregard my feelings when I know I would never have the heart to disregard yours. I am still shocked that you were able to hit ignore every time I called to try to salvage things because I would never hit ignore on you.

Or maybe my desire to never want to get too close to the snake that bit me comes from the idea that if I get too close I will want to start petting like old times (because I truly petting) but the idea of being bit again makes the bruise that has just healed open up again. I don’t have enough ointment for tend to another bruise so step away, snake.

What I hope you take away from this piece, my dear readers, is that when you want to cause pain, when you want to use every foul name you could think of and no matter how justified you think you are (“But they did this to me, but they said this about me” I hear you say)- just don’t. Do not be the person that hurt others. Do not be the person that makes somebody else’s life a little darker. Do not be the person who has to make others wear long sleeves, no matter how justified you think you are. Not because we are all just trying to get through this crazy ride called life in one piece. Not because we are so fragile and precious but hide under very hard exteriors but because one day you may be that snake who longs to be pet by that former snake lover who pet you like nobody else could but you can’t now because you bit them too hard.

My Partner, My iPhone and the Generation of Entitled Singles

I’ve always believed that if you are someone of quality and possess that little thing called integrity, then you will seldom find yourself single for long intervals of time. Simply put, if you are a catch there will be people in baseball mitts at the usual places and even the unsuspecting spaces where singles frequent waiting for the coach to call them over. And yet a large percentage of good folks I know remain single. Is it possible that I am wrong and that the catches are walking around the city while everyone is glued to the golf game complaining that there's nobody around? Possibly. All I know is that the majority of my friends are good people. They have jobs, they are artsy in a non-pretentious way, they are genuinely nice and yet their Facebook status continues to read, “Single.” There is nothing wrong with being single (if that is what you want) but this post is primarily for the singles that want to add “In a relationship” to their current status.

When I myself recall back to being single, I remember being torn between looking for somebody who had everything I wanted and somebody who I just liked to spend my time with (sometimes they are not the same person). I would meet somebody I liked, realize that he didn’t possess the plethora of things on my wish list, end it, move on, end up on a bad date months later and ultimately long for the connection and ease I threw away so carelessly. "Why didn't I just focus on the fact that I liked him. What did anything else have to matter?" I often would ask myself as I tried to unsuccessfully reestablish that connection that I let go (FYI most guys have a hard ever forgetting that they were not your first choice to begin with, no matter how much you express differently). Yes, after every date that lacked those infamous butterflies and ended up with me chatting on Facebook with a girlfriend, I would often ask myself: am I an entitled single? Meaning, am I so dead set on meeting somebody who looks like X and sounds like Y that I am passing by a lot of potentially good guys who I could be happy with? Should I go on Date 2 with Indie Guy even though Date 1 was a bit bland? Should I not look too closely at the fact that it was Guy X who invited me to the date and didn't flinch when the bill came?

When I hear the same people complaining about why they are single I am both surprised and am not. Surprised that in the vast and mystical world of the internet, they can not find one person they can consider being with but at the same time, lets be frank, how can one focus with so many different choices online? As somebody who has never been much for meeting someone online (you just gasped, I know), what I do remember from my limited time on online dating websites is an extensive search engine that would spit out various potential partners based on your checked off points of preference. Thought Dan’s hair was a bit too long for your taste? No worries, Steve here has the blue eyes and the short hair that you have always wanted to reproduce with. 

That damn dating search engine is a gift for our modern single in that it works as a ready to go assistant that scouts out various guys who are your type while you browse within the comfort of having your unkempt bun and wearing that gravy stained shirt you've worn all day. However, it is not without its drawback as that exact assistant (built to find your ideal match - 6’1, green eyes, brown hair) also limits all the connections that you might have had with a 5’6 dirty blond that didn’t fit the criteria. Besides, do any of us ever truly know exactly how we want our future partners to look like? Remember that scene in the Terminator where Schwarzeneggar kills a bunch of wrong Sarah Connor cause it was programmed to kill Sarah Connor. Well, that's how I view the online dating search engine. Tailored to bring you exactly what you asked for but disregarding all the other people who you might have connected with. And so much like the Terminator the search engine kills off potential romantic matches that didn't fit your prescribed criteria. 

On that note, when we long for that connection, don't we long for the feeling that person will give us? That’s why I have refrained from online dating for the most part. The interpersonal connection that two people have or do not have cannot be interpreted with a search engine or even messages or chat rooms. Besides, haven’t you ever met anybody who was so charismatic and confident that you looked beyond that they were kinda basic looking? That charm gets lost in online dating and that guy or girl who could have been the table that closed the restaurant with you just got passed up.

With so many choices online you would think that two people who are looking to not stay single would be somewhat compatible but it is the opposite. With so many choices the human dimension associated with dating gets lost. Finding somebody you like becomes this complicated process that involves left and right swipes, going to the next page and looking for somebody who you find more attractive and all while remaining single and entitled. Entitled to receive exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Nevermind that the person who didn’t fit the whole physical criteria might have had more in common with you than the 6’3 hottie. So why are you searching solely for that 6’3 hottie and complaining about being single? Why be surprised that you are single if you view dating much like a boss goes through interviews (“Nope.” “Not a good fit.” “Dream on.”) Except you are not looking for a job, you are looking for that special connection with another human being. I am writing this piece not to urge current singles to throw away the wish list but to rather focus on the people you are meeting and to truly see the person that is awkwardly sitting across from you at the table.Or at the very least be open to the person who does not fit your ideal physical type.

People are not black and white dichotomies that can be understood or even figured out within a few encounters. Rather, human beings are like complex paintings that vary depending on which angle you are viewing them from. If you are looking at a person from only one angle and not liking them in a romantic sense then perhaps you should view them from a different angle altogether. Maybe you are single because you are looking at the paintings as one big whole versus seeing that each one is different; each one was (though similar) has an entirely different story to tell.

Though I continue to lurk the streets with an ancient phone that was known as the Motorola Razr (still working the same as the day I got it on a cold winter night in 07') I am not anti-technology. If anything I find it amazing that my aunt in Russia can ask me why I am not married on the phone and while skyping with me online. But what if our seemingly progressive, Sparksnotes, overwhelming availability in technology, clothing, fast food and what to do on a Friday night has bred a generation of overly entitled beings; fixated on receiving what they want, whenever they want; never happy with the now and are ready to upgrade at a moments notice. We are the society of the privileged who have transferred the fast food “I want what I want, when I want it” mentality to when we are choosing partners.

The same can be said with the frequency we upgrade our electronic carry on bibles also known as our cellphones. Have we also transferred the bigger, better, faster phone upgrade system to human beings? Do you shut someone down at the first moment of them running low on battery? Are you walking around with an iPhone 6 Plus (which you lined up all night to get by the way) but are now dreaming of the iPhone 7? 

If you accept the belief that every single person comes with their own luggage of unpleasantries and has a laundry list of shit they need to work on then you just might find somebody. If you accept the idea that you may just be happier with Motorola Razr then you may find somebody. If you continue to be the person looking for a very specific type then you are not allowing your own dating life to flow; for her or him to come to you naturally. When you accept the idea that your strongest connection may come with somebody who you least suspected, everything might then change. If you are looking for somebody who will never be needy, jealous, is always in a good mood and looks exactly the way they do in their Instagram, then you might just be alone forever. You and your iPhone going through Tinder while a real human being is eyeing you from across the bar. 

The truth is every girl and guy is kinda a hassle, will irritate you and make you second guess whether you should be with them. The beauty however is finding somebody you have a connection with in spite of that. Human beings are not like your phones- they are not always available, sometimes they are slow (even when fully charged) and sometimes they are not shiny and new (much like your phone on the first day you took it out of the box) but rather have markings of wear and tear. Some are even cracked from previous misuse. If you are chasing perfection and feeling entitled to it or worse are always have your settings set on upgrade then you might not allow yourself from ever having anything real and something that exists outside of the screen.