Online Mob Mentality, Bandwagon Hating and Why We Stopped Giving a F*ck How Others Feel

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was involved in my first ever Facebook comment backlash (see: got my first ever verbal beat down like my name was Mike). Mind you I have had my share of debates on threads but this was different. It consisted of folks I've never met, a few I knew casually and even some I've raised beer glasses with that I watched "like" comments that put me down, insulted me and did it in such a hateful manner that I deleted the post altogether (yes, me doing so might be misread that they won and I lost but my sanity is more important than my pride and besides ain't nobody got time for a hateful thread when you are trying to re-elect a federal representative). It was tough, it was hurtful but above all, it was kinda disturbing.

It was disturbing to see grown adults make comment after comment about how wrong I was, how silly my comment was, how dumb I was for suggesting such a thing but it was also fascinating how they came in droves (the hatemobile was packed that day, my friends). At the rate that my Facebook was giving me alert updates you would think I would have posted a naked throwback photo but alas no, just a comment that others did not care for. You would think just one would say, "She got the point, we can stop now" but no, comment after comment came; figurative slap after slap was committed and another example of mob mentality and bandwagon hating was put next to the thousand of other examples that exist everyday. Yesterday was my day. Lucky me.

As I mentioned they came in droves and most bandwagon hating does. It's interesting how ideas get stuck and become your own and you start to express as your own even if they are not. Same thing happens with positive things too. Show me a female that Boy A thought was slightly above average looking and watch how fast he will change his mind about her when Boys B-H categorize her as "Super hot." I imagine the same thing happens with online hating. You notice a comment, think to yourself, "Hmm, what an out there comment but maybe this chick has a point." 10 people disagree with her and before you know it you are right there in the mud with the others. 

You can say I asked for it by posting a comment on a public event page seen by everyone who had access to it but did I really? Am I not allowed to make a comment that I know goes against the popular norm in a respectful manner without getting hated on? 

Before you roll your eyes let me be clear, this is not a "woe is me" piece, nor is it a "poor me" piece but rather it is a "poor we/us" piece. I hate to point out the absolute obvious but we love putting others down. And I don't mean we get off on seeing someone in an uncomfortable spot, but we genuinely have gotten in the habit of making others feel less than. Have you met your putting-others-down quota today? No, not yet? Better get to work, junior.  

Though I didn't see them, I'm sure some were salivating that I was getting a verbal beating. Strong girl who thinks she can comment as she pleases? Not on my watch, little girl! Even now I think back to some of the comments and I think, did that actually happen? For my idealistic heart I'm gonna assume it didn't. I wanna rewrite the past and I wanna imagine that somebody (even if they disagreed with me) came to my side and at the very least said, "Guys, chillax, agree to disagree." I'm gonna assume that the world is still filled with gentlemen who didn't feel comfortable bashing a girl when others were already doing that for them. I know you are out there gentlemen, even if you were silent during the thread.

Speaking of gender, perhaps our expectations of females has only changed on the surface. Maybe we still think big mouth Russian girls should know their place and not speak up when it is in regards to seemingly powerful men who have droves of people waiting to jump to their defense if she ever forgets where she stands. Or maybe we just don't like expressive people altogether? Or maybe we've become the culture of "You're wrong, I'm right," to keep us all in line. Break down every original thought we ever had so the only thing that exists is the status-quo.

A positive did come out this though, I gained a new level of empathy. Now I know how Drake feels. Hell, now I know how everyone who has ever been criticized online by strangers, by so called friends has felt. Should I not have made my comment? Perhaps. But if you are delivering in a respectful manner then shouldn't you get the same in return?

Or maybe yesterday was a social experiment; my way of identifying those who got no love for ol' Karinie. Were you liking statuses that put me down? Sorry bud but I may not be so friendly next time I see you. 

If I can give you just one takeaway from my experience it is that if you must disagree, do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel less than. If you see a group hating on one person in a way that goes beyond the subject at hand, point it out, be a hero and say something. Am I being too idealistic again? 

It's so easy to get lost in a hateful thread and hell maybe its even fun signaling someone out because you disagree with them but if 10 other people have already done the work for you why beat a dead horse when its already kicked? Why beat a horse at all?

To You, Whoever You Are: Part 2

On a day like today I wish I had already met you.
On a day like today I wonder why I haven't.
If you would see inside my heart you would see how much I want to.

On a day like today I wish our paths crossed sooner than the universe plans them to.
I wish our lives were already intertwined and came together by chance but nonetheless madly and deeply.

On a day like today I wish I could call you and you'd cheer me up, like only you could.
On a day like today I wish I had you to come home to (is it my turn to make dinner or yours?)

On a day like today I wanna run, not walk, to where you are.
If only I could hit "soulmate" on the GPS (if only).

On a day like today I wish I was stronger but the thought that I need you to be stronger comforts me.
On a day like today I wish I had your arms to hide in, your words to sooth me and your heart to heal mine.

On a day like today, when my thoughts creep into dark rooms I thought I locked up, I try to be optimistic because somewhere out there you need me as much as I need you. 

On a day like today the dream of you runs through my mind like a river- abundant and heavy.
On a day like today thoughts of you keep me sane.

On a day like today I wish I had already met you. 

Ice Queen mode is in effect
Cool, stoic, unfazed
Flick of a button and a big heart has finally burst.
Too big for its frame, too big for the world.
Exploded, bleed out.
(Please excuse the blood on the walls)
Still looking for the girl you once knew? 
I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.
Moved out a couple weeks ago, didn’t take anything either.
I’ll tell her you called though. 

Intuition, Interpreting Intent and Other Survival Skills We Forgot About.

Do you know why most human beings fail at interactions, have more frenemies than real friends on their Facebook or are just floating through life not exactly knowing what the hell is going? Have you ever asked why some people view themselves as CEOs of their lives and others barely hold the entry position and dream of quitting? I've always believed that what sets apart those that are always in a jam, are always in the midst of a breakup or falling out or are routinely writing their next melodramatic Facebook post (have you ever noticed that most start off with, "I really don't like sharing my personal life here but..." is lack of intuition for the latter group.

In other words, we have not taken the time to master the art of being intuitive. We are whizes at texting while exporting that excel sheet you have been working on for the last hour for your boss (while simultaneously liking your friend's penguin kissing vid on Facebook). We are pros at deciding and voicing our opinion at which actor we think should have played Batman and lastly we have become experts in deciphering things that are pretty obvious and are right there in front of our eyes. For example, that person who snubbed and didn't even look your way as you gave them your famous smiley, "Hey doll!" Yeah they don't like you. But what about when things are not as transparent? What about those that are happy to see you but you constantly get bad vibes off? (Question: are vibes still a thing? Answer: Yes)

Speaking of which, I have always found myself attracted to the hotheads. Not because I feel they get my fiery, European "Everything is a big deal, people!" side but because I've always felt that if shit was ever gonna go down, they'd be the first to tell me. A hothead will look at you and probably tell you, "Okay, I'm gonna go off on you right now and this is why." The non-hot heads will play coy, pretend everything is good, routinely admit, "It's all good" (insert fake smiley emoticon) but deep inside you know it isn't. And yet that little voice that says it isn't we often silence. 

We have become so dependent on sheer actions that we silence whatever motherboard inside is trying to send the following message, "Stop, what you are seeing in front of you is not reality. Please act accordingly." We have become so focused on the physical and the tangible that we forgot that things are seldom as they appear. The tangible and the physical does not always represent the truth.   

Transcribing peoples' intent (not what they say or do but what they really want to say and do) is, in my opinion, the most important survival tactic that one can develop. What do people really mean? What do they really want from you? Are they actually happy to see you do well? Who actually smiles when you post something terrific that has just happened to you? Who actually suppresses that human inborn characteristic to feel bitterness and who tries to curb their natural urge to be competitive but is actually happy that you are happy?

We have forgotten to pay attention to not only the actions but what they didn't say; what they didn't do and take that all into account when deciding how to go about interacting with them. Honing your intuitive skills will allow you to notice the small things they didn't want you to notice; they didn't want you to see. Seeing through the facade, the many "likes", what lies beneath the vale, is how one will decrease their pain and make time for those that truly wish them the best. 

If you think that I am advocating for one to solely listen to what feels good, you are wrong. Being intuitive and listening to your heart are two different things. Sometimes the heart leads you to places that you do not belong in. The heart may put you in arms that are not meant to hold you and the heart may put you in situations that bruise your intuition and make you second guess yourself. Intuition, unlike the heart, is a mix of emotion and brain; its rooted in the balance of what feels right and what is right. If it were a parent, unlike the heart that loves you unconditionally and cant punish you when you cut curfew and act out, intuition sees all (the good, the bad and the anticipated actions to come) and decides the course of action using that criteria. Unlike the heart, that will make you stay when your brain has a thousand reasons to leave, intuition just inherently knows that it must leave. 

Being intuitive and seeing true intent is not something that WikiHow can teach you (pictures wont help either) but rather is inside every one of us at all times. The longer you spent your life silencing that little voice (it turned out to be not so little after all), the longer it will take for it to start speaking up again and helping you on your journey. Imagine if you were a kid sitting in the classroom (front row mind you) and you knew the answers to the questions but were silenced and told you were wrong every time you wanted to give your response. With that said, be patient if it takes some time for it to speak up again but it will. How can it not? It is there to be heard. Your intuitive voice is wiser than you will ever be. It sees more than you are ever able to and is there to guide us through life and make sure that the ones by your side are the ones that belong there and the places you are you are meant to be in at that point in time. 

Bonnie + Clyde

Real love is forever...
It does not hurt, it does not break, it does not retaliate.
If anything it loves harder and stronger than yesterday.

It may want to hurt back (if ever hurt) but it does not know how for it knows only to love.
Programmed that way and set on indefinitely.
Want to switch the button to nonchalant but never seem to be able to move it.

Even when the mind tells it to bow out, hit restart with someone else and hurt back, real love will only love...

Stronger, deeper, harder than it did before. 

It will love today,
It will love tomorrow
It will love forever...

The Immense Power of Personal Growth through Trivial Actions

 
When I was younger I used to say that love was the meaning of life. To have love, to be loved was why we are here. Nowadays as a wiser(ish) and more mature(ish) gal, I live by a slightly different mantra: growth is the meaning of life. To know more, to do more and ultimately to be more is the reason we are all here. In other words, experiencing mental and emotional growth is the most important thing in my current to-do list. I would say that I really started adapting this mantra in the last two years but I hadn’t yet fully implemented or rather seen it materialize in my physical actions as much as I did last week. What did I do that made me say, “Holy shit, I am experiencing growth.” Well, to be honest, I simply walked out of a movie midway with a half eaten bag of popcorn. Yes, trivial to you but immensely metaphorical to me. Let me explain.

I’m someone who always prided myself on staying and watching a movie in a theatre till the end; no matter how much I disliked it. I felt I owed this to the people who made it (one day Michael Bay will send me a personalized thank you note for watching Transformers 2 from start to finish), the awkward kid who served me my buttered popcorn but above all I felt I owed that to my own self. I always felt that I needed to stay until something was officially done, until the credits rolled, the house lights came on and the chatter began because that was the right thing to do. I actually would feel guilty if I ever wanted to leave before a movie finished because to me it somehow meant that I was becoming the type of person that I detested. You know, the type that walked out of situations the moment they were no longer having fun or enjoying themselves. I also used to think, “Well maybe the movie will somehow take a triumphant turn for the better and become one of my all time favourites.” Needless to say that never happened. Does it ever? Usually a movie I thought was not memorable or enjoyable in the beginning was not memorable or enjoyable till the end. 

To stay till the very end was my mantra but last week I changed that, I walked out of a movie because I simply was no longer enjoying what was projected in front of me. I was no longer stimulated or having fun and if you are no longer stimulated or having fun, what’s the point? Maybe the type of person I detested all these years (the leave when its no longer fun type) had it right all along and it was I who had it backwards? Not even the extra buttered popcorn I was gobbling on could take away my boredom. I thought to myself, “There are so many other things I could be doing right now” and that's when for the first time in my life I got up (slowly and quietly, no need to make a disturbance for those that liked watching grown women swoon and get giddy over oiled up male entertainers traveling in a frozen yogurt truck for one last hooray) and left. Yes, not even Channing Tatum could have changed my mind about staying.

I left Empress Walk that night feeling empowered and with a new approach to experiences and that is, if I am not enjoying my time somewhere, I will take myself out of it. Weird looks, judgment and a half eaten bag of popcorn be damned. Why? Because I only have one life and to spend it on activities that I am not enjoying is not how I wish to live it.

We’ve all stayed and watched movies we didn’t necessarily like (maybe it was a free movie, maybe you felt you owed it to the person you were watching it with or maybe you hated knowing that all eyes would be on you as you tiptoed down the barely lit steps) but to continually repeat the cycle of being in situations that do not feed you (mind, body and soul); to remain seated when you want to get up and run out; and to feel as if you should be at point H when you are at point B is not a life I think any of us deserve to live. 

It’s such a comforting thought to know that we have choices, is it not? You can choose who you would like spend your time with. You can choose whether you would like to see a movie solo or with a companion and you can choose whether to stay or leave anytime you want, whenever you want, wherever you are. Anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

I left a movie midway last week because I couldn’t spend another morsel of my healthy, productive and beautiful life not feeling as if I am exactly where I want to be. Growth is building, rebuilding, transforming and structuring your life in a way where you can close your eyes and are exactly where you want to be. And my apologies to the folks that actually liked Magic Mike XXL.