How Blind Forgiveness Diminishes Your Self Worth

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a complicated relationship with my brother. So complicated that for his 30^th birthday my mom made me wish him a happy birthday. “He is turning 30, Karina. Please don’t break my heart.” She said this while I was mid sentence with, “I really don’t want to...” I did end up wishing him a happy birthday. Birthday card and birthday money sealed in an envelope I gave to him because well, I didn’t want to be a bad daughter or a bad sister. For I had spent the majority of my life being told the importance of being a good daughter and sister. The next 2 birthdays not even my own mother could convince me to wish my only brother a happy birthday (if you know me you also know my mother is literally the only person on the planet who can make me do anything). My brother accusing me of being “ingenuine” for a good portion of my life made me authentically not wish him a happy birthday for the past two years. Why? I didn’t care to. My authentic self wanted to honour the fact that I really did not want. Believe me, me divulging the fact that I did not wish my only brother a happy birthday for the past two years is not done with a huge grin on my face but I do however, say this with conviction and a backbone.

We live in a very paradoxical world. People are encouraged to forgive and forget. If you hold resentment for something done to you in the past you are seen as less then. Anger and bitterness are low frequency emotions, they say, that need to be wiped out immediately. And though I love the premise of turning the other cheek and being the bigger person that welcomes those who have wronged me with open arms, I ask, how does such an action embody self-love? Secondly, what does forgiving those who hurt when you aren’t truly ready to, do to your identity and most importantly, self worth? As somebody who grew up in a household where forgiveness was to be given the moment an apology was presented, the concept of not allowing certain people back into my life is a new one for me. One that at times makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty even but in the same breath, it also makes me feel powerful and as if I am truly living my most authentic life.

A lot of my new age, hippie type friends have talked extensively to me about forgiveness and its impact on the chakras. For those not familiar, chakras are 7 centers of spiritual power in the human body. Forgiveness relates to the heart chakra and when that is out of balance, they say, your whole life is. I’ve struggled with this concept because who wants to be out of balance? Certainly not me. Personally, I want my heart chakra to be in a state of abundance, juicy, red beaming love and everything else positive that represents the heart emoticon we use when we send out a loving text. And with that I have been told and made to believe that living in a state of unforgiveness creates blocks in that heart chakra. I understand the concept behind such a belief but my question is, what chakra blocks develop when you continuously allow another human being to mistreat you? What personality defects does one have once they get into the routine of accepting every apology that comes their way? I can only speak for myself but the action of not forgiving somebody and through that action standing up for yourself and boldly expressing that certain hurtful words and actions will not only be tolerated, but will also result in my absence, creates a deeper sense of self worth. Not only do I feel a higher self of self worth when I pushback an apology I am not ready to accept but it is then that I feel that I am truly protecting myself from future pain. Some say to protect is to love and thus to live in a state where you protect yourself from bad energy and intentions is the ultimate definition of self-love.

As mentioned, I have had many debates and conversations (or should I say conversations that morphed into debates) regarding this topic and the words accountability and self-governance and responsibility have many times left my lips. I do not discredit the importance that forgiveness has on mental health but we as a society should also not discredit PTSD and the effects of living with such entail. If you are one of the lucky few who has never experienced PTSD please do not underestimate its potency and its ability to be triggered (no matter how much positive self talk you are doing in the process) every time you are in the same room with someone who has hurt you. I am not over dramatizing when I write this for I know too well how it feels to be told to forgive when the truth is, you don’t want to because you cannot risk feeling that sort of pain ever again. For you have learned to love yourself more than you did when you forgave and in a way re-welcomed such behaviour to enter and reenter your life.When a person asks you for forgiveness or worse yet, when you are bullied into forgiving somebody who has wronged you because it is the right thing to do, you are going backwards in personal development. When you continuously meet somebody half way and accept an apology you are not convinced to the core is a genuine one you are going backwards in personal growth. When you have heard an apology more than four times for an action that continues to upset you, it is time to truly come to terms that the person on the other end of the apology does not hold your happiness as a priority. Furthermore, do not ever rush to enter a situation you are not comfortable in. Only you know when you are ready because these are your feelings and ultimately, this is your life. Nobody else's.

This piece is not about holding grudges because if there is one thing I agree with that my hippie friends preach is that yes indeed living in a space of perpetual grudges and voodoo dolls is not a healthy life. If you wake up angry and immediately reaching for your phone to cyber stalk those that hurt you then yes, maybe you should rethink this whole forgiveness thing. Far be it for me to tell grown adults on how to live their lives. I instead live my life by the infamous Jay-Z lyrics, “Either love me or leave me alone.” To me those words are the definition of self-love. Self-love is welcoming only those that make you happier, healthier and most of all, bring you to that childlike state of optimism and giddiness. How can you say you truly love yourself if you are around somebody who decreases your frequency and makes you feel less than. We don’t even need to unpack why or under what circumstance somebody makes you feel less than. You know it when it happens. To me self-love is not allowing that feeling to be part of your reality. Call me naive and childlike but I truly believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. That’s the answer. We are here to enjoy ourselves and to feel good. Welcoming and rewelcoming  those that hurt you under what I would like to call blind forgiveness decreases your self worth and your self-love. Putting up with those that don’t make you feel good (you know when you don’t feel good around somebody) is a dangerous game because at what point does it become a habit. At what point do you get so used to this negative feeling that you think you don’t deserve the other option? At what point do start believing that taking abuse in any form is your way of saving or being a compassionate person to somebody who needs you? At what point do you silence others preaching forgiveness but have not lived a moment in your trauma?

To me self worth and self-love means putting yourself and your mental health first. Always. And that is how I have been living the last few years. Sure, I have had moments of weakness and forgave or turned a blind eye to somebody not provoking my highest self but in the end I have always corrected it. For my goal in life is to surround myself with only those that bring out my inner child who is happy, optimistic and not waiting to be hurt; for that is my favorite state to be in. And I don't care how many people will call me unforgiving due to wanting to live in this manner.

Do I miss wishing my brother a happy birthday? Of course I do. Do I miss quoting Seinfeld with the only person who would understand every inside joke related to that show? Without a doubt. Do I miss having verbal arguments with him where we both bring up 30+ years of you did this, I did this. Not one bit. Not even a tiny bit. I am happier and more peaceful not knowing him. I say this not caring how shocking this may sound to my mother. Until somebody has shown you, truly shown you, that they have done the work and changed for the better, do not welcome that person back into your life. Why? Because you love yourself more than that. To not put yourself in situations where those who have hurt you can hurt you again is the definition of self-love. At least it is to me. For I am too precious to my own self to be hurt. We are all too precious to our own selves to be hurt. And let me say this again for the person who is intimidated into providing forgiveness and really is not ready to. You are too precious to be within the same space of those who have hurt you and have not done the work to improve themselves to not have it happen again.

I still have hope for my brother and I. I mean look how adorable we were as children. I have hope that one day I will forgive him. Scratch that, I have hope that one day he will deliver to me a sincere apology that I can take as fact. For now, my self-love is too high to be manipulated into a conversation that isn't a full fledged desire to make a wrong right. My self-love is too high to have anybody in my life who does not see the precious, wonderful girl in front of them. And my mother cant change my mind on this one. Not even on his birthday.

How To Handle a Breakup With Grace

Breaking up is hard to do, we all know that. Whether you are the one breaking up or the one being broken up, it is one of the hardest things we deal with when it comes to dating and relationships. There are so many ways one can respond. We can turn into a crying mess and beg for reconsideration and pity on our poor, bleeding hearts. Some cut off that person cold turkey and never look back. Others start dating and filling that void with another person. As someone who has handled breakups in every way imaginable I think I can offer insight on how to make the best out of an unpleasant situation. I've done the research brah, trust me on this one.

Do Not talk Shit About the Other Person

Whether you are the one doing the leaving or the one being left, our first instinct is to talk about it with others. And though many times our friends and family (God bless them) mean well they can make you enter a slippery slope of verbal diarrhoea regarding your ex. It’s a tempting offer to go on a crusade letting people know to be aware of this masked heartbreaker but doing such will never work out for anybody. Firstly, your ex will probably hear about this and it will cause a fight. Secondly, if you ever get back together you will both look like idiots and lastly, no good can come from it. It will just put you in a tailspin of drama, gossip and pain. You’re better than that.

If Need Be Cut Them Off
When I was growing up I was a big advocate for being friends with an ex and though that is a great concept in theory I have yet seen it work out for anybody. Friends wish each other well and have fun together, how can you possibly do those things with someone who just told you they don’t want you. You can suppress the bitterness and act as your higher self but being friends with an ex usually leads to jealousy, insecurity and further prolonging of the “getting over it" period. Or if you are the one doing the leaving, 3 am texts of proclamations of love will only confuse and may make you go back. You left them for a reason, never forget that. And if you stay awake at night worrying that maybe they need you for something or maybe they got into an accident and you are their emergency contact, don’t worry, they are a big boy/ girl, they can handle their own life.

Do Not Get in a Relationship With Someone Right Away

Remember that part that I said that I have dealt with breakups in every imaginable way possible? Well, many times I have ended one relationship and quickly got into a new one. I’ve always seen it as, “It’s not my fault there’s a lineup of possible suitors so why should I be alone?” And as cocky as that is, that is a fair point but  I don’t think anything real can happen when you jump from one bed to the next. Sure, you can meet somebody and have something real fairly quickly but make sure its not 2 weeks apart. Also, we sometimes misunderstand loneliness for feelings. Do you really want this person or do you just need to be wanted by anybody.

Understand That If Somebody Doesn’t Want to Be With You or You With Them, There Is a Reason

I’ve mentioned earlier how I have dealt with breakups every way imaginable. When I was in my late teens and through most of my 20s I handled breakups like a drug addict deals with going clean. I cried, I was in denial and I suffered physically and emotionally due to this heartache. To me being broken up with as the worst thing to have happened. I have called exs crying, begging them to take me back and even once showed up to one guy's house, convinced that if they saw the state I was in he would want me again (how can anyone deny a crying puppy eyed girl). Let's just say I was asked to politely leave and with tears in my eyes, I did. None of that ever worked for me and all it did was make the ex take a further step back from me and understandingly so. Nobody wants a crying mess begging for their love. And when I have been on the receiving end of tears I too thought, "Yikes!" It is only in the last few years that I realize that breakups are a God sent in a way. Gifts from the universe. Whispers from a higher being that says, “You deserve better.” I can honestly sit here and tell you that every breakup I ever had, no matter how heartbreaking, no matter how surprising and no matter how much I may miss them till this day, every single one was for the best. Every man who has ever left me did me a service. Every man I ever left with hindsight I am so glad I did because there and better and richer love was waiting for me on the other side. If only I knew that then.

Lastly, nobody is guaranteed as a life partner for the simple fact that you cant control anybody's life or destiny except your own. Some people leave those they love because they have different lifestyles and refuse to be in conflict for the majority of their lives. Other's leave those that they would spend the rest of their lives regretting they ever did. And some pass away and we must learn how to go on without them. In summary, life is meant to be enjoyed and if you find someone to enjoy it with then that is a beautiful thing but it can also be enjoyed solo- while dealing with a breakup or on the other side of the healing scope. However you go about your broken heart, do it with dignity and grace.

The Beauty and Inclusiveness of Indefinite Emptiness

A few weekends ago I had found myself flipping through Netflix options and was asking the eternal question that has plagued my generation, that being, "What do I watch?" I had noticed the just released comedy special by Dave Chappelle titled "Sticks and Stones" and since it had infiltrated my Facebook feed many claiming that it was everything from, "highly offensive", "boring", "not funny" to, "the best thing I have seen in years" I knew I needed to watch it. I'm from the school of thought that if its controversial it will spark conversation and conversation causes engagement and that is almost always a positive. In other words, if its offensive, I want to watch it. I didn't know that 30 minutes into the special I would be inspired to write this blog piece but as mentioned, that's how controversial things work- they make you think; they inspire you and as is the case here- one thought caught on to another thought and a whole discussion about something entirely unrelated was born. Funny how inspiration is similar to human connections- most are random and found where we least expect it.

As expected the comedy special was indeed funny, very funny to be accurate. I laughed out loud several times but it was also dramatically thought provoking. My Facebook friends were all right, yes it was offensive, yes it was political, yes it was at times crass but it was also thoroughly hilarious. One subject matter that really caught my attention was when Chappelle had mentioned the suicide of Anthony Bourdain. Chappelle was baffled that he would ever do such a thing and went on to say, "the man hung himself in a luxury suite France!" An unfunny moment for survivors of suicide and the families of those who lost those to it. Chappelle went on to compare Bourdain to an unsuccessful high school friend who had never even contemplated taking his own life though Chapelle had suggested that perhaps he should have judging by the state of his life. "This man was 45 and the manager of a Footlocker living in his mamas house." The audience erupted in laughter because everyone understood that Chappelle did not in fact want this man to take his own life but rather he was making the comparison how those who you would think would want to do such a thing, are the last ones to. And as was the case with Bourdain, specifically those we view as successful and living in abundance and would never think would to want to not go on. At that moment I thought to myself, what was the difference between those who live being content with lives they should not and those who suffer while living in seeming abundance? And then it hit me, it is the acceptance of the void. The acceptance of the void and full understanding that the human experience involves living with an undefined level of emptiness indefinitely. The difference between misery and contentment is how much you accept the void and understand that it is there indefinitely.

After this epiphany I turned to the person sitting next to me and started ranting. I usually sound like a crazy person to him but by the look on his face I realized tonight, it was more so. "I think the secret to surviving life is accepting the feeling of emptiness and understanding that you will have a void no matter what." He looked at me with a blank stare on his face but that did not matter because in my mind I had just discovered an invaluable lesson about life.

The moment you realize that there is not anything wrong with you because you feel a sense of emptiness is when you obtain the ability to conquer and survive the human experience they call life. The ability to sit in a room, by yourself, feel that void, give into it, taking it in fully and realizing that the emptiness and sadness that you feel is normal is the secret to surviving life. So many (myself included) feel a tremendous amount of guilt about ever having sad thoughts because as pop culture likes to remind us, "If you have a smart phone you are better off than most" and though I agree with that statement, it does not take away that we are still left to sit in a room, by yourselves, feel empty and wonder, "Whats wrong with me?" The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. I need you to read this again, nothing is wrong with you. And now for the people in the back, nothing is wrong with you.

To feel the void ans emptiness is merely to be human. To understand that this is something we all feel no matter who you are or will become is the secret to survival. I don't know the highschool friend Chappelle was referring to in his skit by I imagine he had better coping mechanism for this void than Boudain as he is still walking, talking and living.

For maybe the most simple people understand that no matter how many commas or zeros exist in your bank account, no matter how many "fuckboys" you can turn into "relationship guys" and no matter how much you gain which you think will complete you, if you understand that none of this will ever fill you emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually, then you can survive this life.

Chase all that with the belief that it will make you happier and you too might one day find yourself in a fancy French suite by yourself and the feeling of emptiness will be so vast that you wont be able to escape it. You cant escape it. Nobody can. All you can do is give into that feeling and know that every single living and breathing human being suffers from the same.

It is the human experience to search and still be empty.
It is the human experience to feel alone in a crowded room.
It is the human experience to feel that something is wrong with you because you feel empty at a time when you should feel full.
And lastly, it is the human experience to feel all this. Give into it and enjoy the shockingly amazing and the overwhelmingly empty experience it is to be human.

How to Cut Off Toxic People/ Toxic Habits From Your Life

When I was growing up, I hated the word, “toxic”, so much so that I started to believe that “toxic” was a buzzword invented by mainstream society that helped categorize anyone or anything that did not jive with you. If anything I felt the need to not label anything toxic, no matter how much it was causing me harm. “It’s all in my head,” I would tell myself whenever I was in a situation involving someone who made me wonder if in fact they were harmful to me (chances are usually, if you are questioning whether someone is harmful, they are). For some reason or another I denounced the word "toxic" and promised to only use it seldom. Years later I look back at how much toxicity I allowed myself to endure and refused to label as such.

With that said, let us break down the term “toxic” by its literal definition, that being, “something that is poisonous, or something harmful or bad.” So in simpler terms, “toxic” can be anything or anyone that causes you harm. Bottom line, if it disrupts your peace, it’s toxic. And with so many things having the ability to cause us harm maybe I was wrong about that word and it is in fact underused, rather than overused. Maybe, my failure in life was that I never labelled enough things as toxic. As that infamous meme said, sometimes I think, "I wish I told more people to f#$ck off."

Why Do We Allow Toxicity In Our Lives 
It seems like a no-brainier, if something hurts you, you would think that you would not have it in your life. I often think of my favorite quote from George Orwell’s 1984 where he states, “To hang on from day to day and from week to week, spinning out a present that had no future, seemed an unconquerable instinct, just as one’s lungs will always draw the next breath so long as there is air available.” In other words, we as a human race are all programmed to survive, no matter the obstacles ahead. I would like to take it even further and state that, we as people are programmed to be instinctively happy or search for happiness. And so begs the question, why would we ever be around anything or anyone that would cause us loss of that happiness? Why do we stay in toxic situations and repeatedly engage with toxic people? Answer to that is below.

We Don’t Feel It Is Toxic 
Up until a few short years ago, I never used the word “toxic” because I believed it was a buzz word created to unjustly label anything one may not like. I detested when Id hear person X say that person Y was “toxic”. It is only when I lost touch with some people and felt better about it that I realized that there was such a thing as toxic people and toxic relationships. To put it in symbolic terms, imagine if one ate a very high carb, high fat breakfast every morning and went about their day as they always do. Now, introduce a diet that is filled with nutrients and vitamins and you would certainly feel different throughout the day but one would have to give up the former to know that the latter was better for them. With not giving up the unhealthy breakfast, one thinks they can snack on bacon everyday and still fit in their favorite jeans. Right? I view toxic relationships and toxic situations very similarly. Many times we don’t know that we are in bad situations or that we are being mistreated and consequently we mistreat ourselves. When you come home after a date with a certain someone, ask yourself, how do I feel post-date or romantic weekend? Do you feel energized and fulfilled or do you feel emotionally drained and lacking? After you see a group of friends, do you come home feeling good about yourself and that you belong to a group or community that truly cares and loves you or do you come home feeling like you should not have said this or that? Do you question who you are and if you are likable when hanging out with friend X?  Categorizing people in our lives as either toxic or not is a very difficult thing because there are so many components to be considered. What I advise anyone to really look at when deciding who is toxic or not is pure feeling while with that person. If you are nervous and on guard with a close friend then maybe there is lingering resentment that has now evolved into a toxic relationship. If you get ready for date night and are routinely doing a mental checklist of what not to say so there is no argument, then perhaps there are toxic elements of that relationship that need to be addressed. 

The same can be applied for habits. There are many people that have toxic eating habits and everyday make the choice to put toxins in their body. Being overweight, not having the same energy level as you used to and overall not looking as you would like are the side effects of having a toxic eating pattern. Rarely do people with those habits ever look in the mirror and say, "Everyday I choose to not love myself enough to give myself proper nutrients." No, nobody says that. Most people say, "I love food" or "It's cheat day everyday for me." All toxic habits, be it in food eating patterns or who you interact with are all excused by the simple fact that the person does not feel that they are allowing for toxicity to enter their life. In other words, we rarely know when our habits or people are being toxic. 

We Don’t think We Deserve Better 
There are many relationships, both romantic and platonic that we know are not right but we continue to stay and have no plan of ever leaving. Sounds crazy, right? Yes, there are people getting ready to meet up with partners that put them down. You go out with friends that routinely and most times unknowingly go out of their way to  make you feel bad about who you are. You would think we would recognize how we feel and start planning an escape/goodbye plan? But no that is not usually the case. The reality is that toxicity runs rampant in our lives. Some people do it knowingly. Such is the case with smoker's who have an endless supply of medical research to prove that every time they light up, they are causing harm to their body. Other toxicity is harder to spot. It comes in the form of people who claim they care and they mean well but are not good for your spiritual and mental growth. I'm not a psychiatrist but I believe most people have self-loathing tendencies that convince them they don't deserve better. That partner that puts them down, they read this behaviour as "They are teaching me to be better." Why is current you not good enough just as is? Why does anyone need to teach you anything about how to act, especially if it leaves you feeling less? That's how toxic relationship work. They are sometimes so subtle that we don't notice the harm it brings. I wonder how we would all live our lives if we woke up  and thought, "I deserve better" and actually believed it. 

How to Say Goodbye/End Toxicity

If you know me in real life you know that I'm a paragraph text kind of girl. Meaning, if I don't like something I will express it thoroughly but what I've come to realize is that sometimes it's best to just walk away with no explanation. No paragraph text, just a dismissive thumbs up. That may seem cold and impersonal but I find that leaving toxic relationships cold turkey is the only way to do it. Most toxic relationships are very complex and they are usually with people we have a long history with and I find that expressing all the ways they have ever made you feel bad actually adds gasoline to the fire. See, most toxic relationships can't be fixed because if they could have been, they would have been already fixed. Let me repeat this for those that need to hear this again, if you were around people and things that uplifted you, they would be uplifting you but they are not so go elsewhere. I mean, you can take away as much sauce as you'd like and even add medium fries instead of large, but that's still a McDonald's quarter pound meal that you are ingesting. What I am trying to say is, don't ingest McDonalds and say you are all about the fit life. Same goes for toxic people. Some days you might have a good night with them but they are still toxic.

If this was not toxic for you, it would have invoked other feelings in you. You would not be reading this and thinking of a particular person and wondering if they are toxic. Chances are they are toxic if you are considering they are.
You Cant Turn Toxic Into Joy
It is very rare to turn a toxic relationship nontoxic. I mean, the goal is to be around those that uplift you and add to your spiritual growth, not be around those that didn't hurt you today so I guess you guys are good now. It's not just toxic relationships that we must rid ourselves of but also habits that hurt our bodies and drain our spirit in the long term. Drug use and alcoholism are two activities that are often masked under the veil of, "I'm just having a good time" but the truth of the matter is that both vices cause harm to one self. I urge everyone reading this to love themselves enough and take away the toxicity in their lives. If you love yourself and I mean TRULY love yourself, then you would want to live a life that is filled with healthy habits and people that bring you positive feelings. That is the ultimate depiction of self-love and self-care.
So many people convince themselves that certain people are not toxic because they do have positive traits overall and that's a valid point but I for one want to be around people that make me happy almost always. I'm told that is unrealistic and idealistic. But I say, it is that way of thinking that has excused toxic behaviour. Life is short, we have heard that our whole lives and you know what, that cliche saying is true, it truly is. We must rid our lives of toxins and anything that keeps us up late at night. We must love ourselves so much that we only tolerate people and things that truly make us happy and give us an abundance of peace. Should that not be the goal for us all?

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You

Get them the fuck out of your life ASAP.

Show them the door without a fuckin explanation because you don’t really owe them one. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. You owe that person happiness and peace.

Fuck anybody who is in your life but doesn’t truly wish you the best. In fact they wish you harm. They might be at your shows. They might even be at your birthday party.

Fuck the users who just want something from you.

Fuck the haters who talk shit but have never so much as shared a meal or a conversation with you. Get the fuck out of my space and don’t smile when you see me.

Fuck the jealous who secretly envy and hate that they’ll never be you. Ask them if they envy you, they’ll never admit it. Fuck them the most. They are the most dangerous. They secretly smile when things go wrong in your life. Never to your face though. Fuck them.

Fuck anybody who you opened up about your trauma and they turned around and did the same thing.

Fuck anybody who you showed you trusted and they turned around and fucked you over.

Fuck anybody who tells you little jabs here and there that make you feel less than. You’ll turn around and you’ll say, "'That hurt, why did you say that?''' and they’ll turn around and say, ''Don’t be so sensitive.'' Fuck them. The next time you are having taking food porn pics or a selfie and somebody makes a little jab tell them to go fuck themselves and to mind their own business.

Fuck anybody who doesn’t think you are fuckin amazing exactly as you are.

Fuck anybody who makes you feel that you are not living your life the right way or call you dumb because your life is different than theirs.

Live at home and you have a friend that makes you feel bad that you do. Tell them to go fuck themselves.

Working at a job just to get by and somebody criticizes you and makes you feel less than, tell them to go fuck themselves.

Not married and no kids and somebody has the audacity to tell you you are living your life wrong, tell them to go fuck themselves twice. Once is not enough for this type of person.

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You.

The Death of Relationship Girl

When I was a teenager I had this weird thing I wouldn’t share with anyone. My dirty little secret was that I routinely would buy bride magazines. I’d tell the neighbourhood 7/11 cashier guy who knew me since I was a kid to “Please put it in a bag, sir”, so no one would see what I had just spent my weekly allowance on pages upon pages filled with models dressed to the nines getting paid to look in love. I would get home, lock my bedroom door, all excited with my little hands turning the pages, my mouth salivating at the images of a beautiful girl in white holding flowers with her groom by her side.  I’d hide an issue of Today’s Bride under my mattress much like a 13 year old boy would his Playboy. I always thought that if I told anyone how much I enjoyed flipping through the pages that showcased images of wedding dresses and tips on décor no one would get it. I believed that if I was thoroughly transparent and told the world that I was a teenage girl who spent her days dreaming of being a bride, I'd be judged. I wasn’t wrong though, I would be judged and whenever I uttered this fascination to others, sure enough, they judged. Most of my teenage girlfriends were clubbing and starting to have sex while I sat at home reading bride magazines. Among my circle of friends it wasn’t cool to be the “relationship girl”. I learned as I got older, its never cool to be that girl. It’s still not cool to be that girl.

As I got older, the dream, fantasy and idealization of myself one day meeting that special guy, deciding to commit my life to him and becoming a bride intensified. It intensified when I really clicked with a guy I liked and when I got into my first real serious relationship, I no longer suppressed the desire to talk about my hidden desires. When I celebrated my 4^th year anniversary with my then boyfriend I thought how great it would be to hold that bride magazine in my hands and plan a wedding. Spoiler alert, we broke up not making it to our 5 year anniversary.

If you are predicting for this blog piece to be about a girl who so badly wanted to get married but just couldn’t find the right guy, sorry to burst your bubble but this is not that kind of piece. Rather, almost every boyfriend I have ever had has wanted to marry me. Not in a joking kinda way a semi drink/overly tipsy boyfriend says, “Sure I will marry” while he is pushing you on a swing at a deserted park in the suburbs of North York at 3 am (though that has happened as well). Rather I have looked many times into a man’s eyes and could see the sincerity of him wanting to spend his life with me (even if it was just for that moment).

A part of me wishes that wasn’t so and I could walk around feeling sorry for myself that no man has wanted to spend his life with me. That way I could go to dinner parties, be asked why I'm not married and I could smile and in a stand up comedian type of tone reply with, “What can I do, never got asked, can’t make a man. haha” If that was the case there wouldn’t be anything to feel badly about because I could simply label my dating history as being unlucky but that’s not the case. The reality is that I have met a lot of great guys who have wanted to give me everything I say I would like and I have gone out of my way to either sabotage the relationship or feel like this just wasn’t it for me and walked away altogether (bride magazine in hand of course). Yes, I belong(ed) to the increasing number of single women who live their lives proudly declaring, "Never met the right guy" when asked why I wasn't married. I never gave a lot of thought to the idea that maybe the problem was me. I never gave such a hypothesis a thought until a few months where I found myself experiencing yet another breakup. This one felt different and started what could be described as the start of an existential crisis because for the first time in my life I had a man say, “Karina, maybe the problem is you." I had nothing to say as a response (a seldom occurrence in my life) and it is then that I entertained an idea I never had before- what if I am not a relationship person nor someone who genuinely wants to get married? What if I have been living my life and practicing the ideals that I know my overly Conservative Russian mother would approve? What if I fear how society looks at women who couldn’t care less about getting married? What if I am simply not a relationship girl?

I always say as a human being you are made up of who you want to be and who you truly there. Maybe I am like that A student who got into every university but deep inside just wants to go backpacking through Europe? Maybe the desire to always be moving, planning, booking shows has killed relationship girl or maybe I was never one to begin with.  Maybe my life is not complimentary to being in a relationship- no matter how much I tell myself I still want it.

Another question that needs to be explored is whether one needs to be one or the other. In my past I have always felt like one needed to be clear where they stand. Are you a "fuckboy" or marriage material? Are you a relationship person or are you not? These were all questions I thought were crucial to defining oneself and so being raised very traditional, I gave myself the title of relationship girl because in my head that’s what quality women do; they define themselves as relationship girls and the rest are promiscuous. Mind you I realize today that that is a pretty black and white way of thinking but if you were raised the way I was, you had to choose one or the other but my question is, is it possible to be both?

Is it possible to be the kind of girl that believes in finding a life partner and creating a life together as well as being the kind of girl that loves her me time and doesn’t like the idea of sharing a space with a partner? As someone who genuinely loves spending time by herself the idea of moving into a space and seeing that person everyday of my life scares the loner in me. Being possessive with my time is nothing new for me and as an adult I find myself breaking plans to get quality time with my own self. Sometimes I take myself out to a nice dinner, a lovely stroll by the harbour and it never comes from a place of I should but rather is an inherent need for silence and clarity that one rarely finds with another person. And so that fear that someone would take me away from that clarity and peace is largely why I have never agreed to take that big step with anybody. Or maybe I just never met anyone who made me feel like I would be able to keep independent Karina- even when married.

Another aspect to be explored through this reflective time is how does my life look like when single versus a relationship. Though I will admit that emotionally I am happier in one (who doesn't love a goodnight chat before bed) but my productivity levels are down right sad when I am someone's girlfriends. I pride myself on being a driven woman with a boat load of various projects on the go and being in a relationship (for the simple practical aspect of investing time in it) I fear I will lose that. If truly happy with somebody I fear that one day I will wake up and find that I had just spent a whole weekend being trapped in a room that has left me deliciously delirious but hyper unorganized and with a stupid grin on my face. To some women that would be quite alright but to me that’s when I start being complacent and is also the start of having my clarity hindered. 

I also hate losing and I fear investing my time in something that wont work. Every relationship is a gamble and in the end might leave you in the minus. And so if I have made it my mission the last couple years to solely invest in myself and that way I will never lose or be in the minus.

Or maybe I am too proud to ever let anyone in fully and utterly because to be in a relationship is to be in a permanent state of vulnerability. Not ever sure if today will be the day you get a text on a beautiful sunny, August mid day saying, “Call me, we gotta talk” and that beautiful August day is no longer beautiful nor sunny. Maybe I have told myself that nobody could ever take away a beautiful sunny day except myself. The main thing I dislike about relationships is the uncertainty of it all. Never truly knowing whats around the corner and a control freak, perfectionist like me doesn’t do well with uncertainty. And it is then that I start to think that perhaps my problem is not that I am no longer relationship girl but rather, maybe I never was. It is then that I come to the realization that perhaps I have always loved the idea of white gowns, 3 tiered cakes and guys in tuxedos.

Or is it just full blown fear of being hurt that has never allowed me to full invest and utterly let go? In a way my independence has become my proverbial parachute. I jump out of a plane holding someone's hand and if he ever lets go (people rarely do not let go) I push a button my parachute saves me life. No guard up, no independence means I board a plane with someone and I do not have a parachute. What happens if he decides to let go? Or maybe its not that complicated and I am not married because I have just never truly met the man for me. I have never met the man I think I can jump out of a plane with no parachute in sight and still feel like he wont let me go.  

Or maybe the right approach is to be neither relationship girl or non-relationship girl but rather to just go with the flow. Who knows whats right but what I do know that I have to stop being unhappy when single and running the opposite way when presented with something that could potentially be something real. I also have to stop depicting my life as if I have not met men who were ready to marry me. Ive rewrote their story in my head and made it seem like they were the problem. No, I am the problem. The fact that I am torn between teenage and adult me is the problem but of course the fact that I am doing all this self reflection is a good sign. I am a big believer in the law of attraction. For instance, when can say the fact that I have never married is because I have not yet experienced true happiness while single and thus I have not attracted a man I could be utterly happy with for the long haul. And as I always say, if you find yourself always attracting x when you want y, you have to change the formula; bedmass that shit and try a different equation because obviously E does not always equal Mc2.

With that said, the first step in this journey of self reflection is becoming single and seeing how I truly feel not being anyone's partner. I will allow myself to go on dates but I will not allow myself to think of the future. I will sit at dinner across a table from a man and I will not imagine how he'd look in a tux because the truth is, I do not know if I even want that. My life is not about whether or not I am someone’s wife or girlfriend, but rather do *I* truly want to be anyone's wife or girlfriend? Who is Karina really and can she reach ultimate happiness on her own? These are the answers that I will try to answer while sculpting away and trying to reach the ultimate me. During this time I hope to say goodbye to the insecurity and tremendous fear of not meeting “the one” (whatever that means) and step into the ultimate me; the woman who is complete whether in a relationship or not. That way, maybe then ultimate me, can meet my ultimate mate. Am I the ultimate me right now? Not yet and I’m okay with the idea that I may never fully be but I would like to get to a point where I can be utterly and immensely happy with sharing myself with another human being and feel that same immense joy and pleasure while single. I feel optimistic that that can be done.

My whole life up until this point I’ve rolled my eyes when I would hear women tell me that they didn’t like labels. The idea that categorizing what human beings are to each other puts pressure on the relationship that might eventually lead them to ruin is something that I once found bogus. To just be a man's undefined indefinitely seemed insane to me because in my mind becoming a wife and mother was a woman's destiny and now I see that carving out a life plentiful of achievements and projects is a woman's destiny. Actually its every human being’s destiny. Or maybe the secret is having both.

I thought it was a backwards way of thinking when I'd ask my friends, "So are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?" and they'd reply with, "Not sure." At this point in my life I can admit that maybe I have had it backwards all these years. Maybe I have caused unnecessary pressure and unpleasantness in my life that could have been avoided if only I had stopped categorizing myself as either relationship or non-relationship girl. Maybe I am both and neither at the same time. Maybe one does not look for love but it simply comes to you when you become a walking talking dose of love. Maybe to get love you must become love. Maybe to be human is to be a mix of relationship person and the one that is always chasing their own dreams. I know I am because if I am brutally honest with myself and do not give power to the heartbreak, disappointment, and everything else that one carries with them after you have spent over 17 years dating, I can honestly say I love the idea of being my own person but I hope one day I will meet someone who inspires me to go into my neighbourhood On The Run and buy a brides magazine. And if that does not happen, I will still be okay.

The Overwhelming and Unexplainable Longing for Heartbreak and the Privilege of Pain and Change

A picture I took while on a walk on a freezing day- by choice, of course.

Have you ever met someone and secretly thought to yourself, “They have it all.” Not in a negative jealous sort of way that human beings are prone to feeling but in the matter-of-fact- kind of way when you meet someone who so evidently has their proverbial "shit together." To compare yourself to others is a human trait, we all do it. I for instance secretly admire couples who found each other early in life and have a house and a closet full of beautiful memories by the time they are 40. I know, I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone but if you are honest with yourself, admit it, you do it too.

But it’s not just stable couples that I look upon with admiration. I admire anyone who does good things with their life. Those who make things happen, those who strive to be better and those that welcome change. You will understand the irony and complexity of everything I just stated but now let's continue. In April 2016 I met someone I still consider a close friend. It's a long and comical story involving me thinking he was my Uber driver but I will spare you the details. He was my age, lived in a beautiful Lakeshore condo, made almost 6 figures and from the outside you could say, he had a life that was worthy of admiration. Fast forward to today and this exact friend is living with a friend and is unemployed. I wish I could tell you that something tragic had happened to him that derailed his life but nothing of that sort occurred. He is a perfect example of what plagues us all, that being the desire to ruin ourselves and crank our lives down to, “hurting” when its currently set to, “doing good.” Simply put, human beings do not like being happy and give them enough time feeling safe, and dare I say, comfortable and they will go out of their way to take everything that is positive and turn it into devastation. Just like my friend who can now only reminiscence of his former life of stability and prosperity.

I for one am in no position to cast judgment as I myself am not too different. If you have known me for 10+ years you’d probably say, “This is the happiest you have ever been” and I would smile, shrug and reply with, “Yeah” but secretly there exists a longing for a life that is the complete opposite of the one I lead today. Like so many other people before me who have demons, who know how it feels to be metaphorically trapped in dark rooms you thought you closed and threw away the key. Truth me told, sometimes I miss my old life of being unhappy and it is in those moments I understand the decisions my friend the Uber driver made.

You see, there exists a curiosity of wandering back on the dark path that lead you to those exact same rooms, because after all, you visited them so many times. No need to leave bread crumbs because you know the way back perfectly. What’s even more astounding is the longing for those dark rooms when you are in nice, spacious ones with lots of sunlight and fresh cut flowers. Who would choose dark over light, you may ask? Someone who is very familiar with the dark. Or perhaps being in a dark room one can dream of a bright fresh one and once within the light room, perhaps that dark room didn’t look so bad after all. The dream of light will always make dark more appealing. Maybe that’s why some people go to therapy for 10 years. There is a sense of comfort in being unhappy, always trying to find yourself and ultimately your unhappiness becomes the security blanket that becomes the one constant in your life. When sadness is a constant, you actually start to miss it when it starts evaporating. There are times I miss the comfort and above all, the familiarity that existed with being sad.

Going back to admiring stable couples, one would think that that which they admire they would want for themselves but that is not always the case. The truth is, I have gone out of my way to sabotage things in my life that I seemingly wanted. I did just that not too long ago. Let me take you back to early June and a certain birthday was approaching. I’m one of those, I want a kiss at the end of the night of my birthday party, kinda girls. Basically, my birthday is like New Years for other people- wanting to lock lips at the end of the night with a special someone. Unlike other past birthdays, this past June like never before I felt a sense of sadness that I wouldn’t have a kiss and a hug to look forward to on my special day *cue violin*.  So like me to hatch my eggs before they are ready and to play the “woa is me” card prematurely, he came.

Two weeks before my birthday, he came. He wasn’t on a white horse with his hair blowing in the wind ready to take my hand but he was wearing a Megadeth shirt and we hit it off from the first, “What are you drinking?” I liked him. When he told me he was in a band I replied with “Cool”. When I got the sense that he was a gentleman I kept the conversation going but was starting to get suspicious and when he started telling me he was Slash in a Guns N Roses cover band, I took a sip of my gin and tonic and I knew I had to get the hell out of there. Like a switch that rang off in my head, all signs lead me to say, “Abort mission, walk away from this unicorn at once” but I stayed anyways and I allowed myself to be happy. And I was happy. We spent the night talking about the possibility of working together on a few tribute shows, how much we both loved GnR and it took every inch of my being to not utter, "Who sent you?" I liked everything he was saying and though a part of me thought, “Perfect, now my birthday can be what I wanted it to be,” that still didn’t stop me from telling him I'm not interested a few days before my birthday. Even though I was interested. The more I got to know him the more I realized I had met the man I said I always wanted to meet. I knew I had met a man that could potentially make my very happy but the hesitation and the longing to destruct was still there. It’s still there. For someone like me, when presented with a gift of a great guy and someone who I could potentially build a life with, the hesitation is always there and the desire to do something to ruin it, unfortunately, it also there. Coincidentally, show me someone I know I’d never procreate with and I feel safe and usually pursue it without hesitation.

With the days leading up to my birthday, the confusion as well as my feeling towards him grew. I sat there and asked myself, “Isn't this what you wanted, a serious guy (a GnR fanatic like myself no less) that wants a commitment? I broke it off a few days before my birthday and I sat there on my birthday (with the fun, hysteria and noise surrounding me) and I thought, “It would be nice to have him here.”

“Slash” and I are still together but I am not done fighting the part of me that says, “Get out now.” I say that even though he is everything I said I wanted and so leads me to believe that I, just like my troubled friend/Uber driver, long for heartache and go out of my way to create devastation where there isn’t any. Where there shouldn’t be any. Or maybe I feel undeserving of love and to be loved. Maybe every person on this planet not only feels that no one will ever truly love them and if they do, they feel they are somehow undeserving of that love. They tell themselves they have to leave before the other person sees the facade and wakes up and realizes that yes indeed, you are not worthy of being loved.

Or maybe, I long for heartache because to me that symbolizes downfall and after every downfall there is a rise. One cannot have rise without downfall and one must embrace the fall in order for the rise to happen. Or maybe its the idea of rebuilding that is so appealing to human beings, myself included. Tearing yourself down, destroying every ounce of both the good and bad, every morsel of the plentiful and abundant as well as the lacking and rotting and rebuilding a stronger self. I should know, I have done it many times before. Like clockwork, after every crisis and tumultuous phase I have come back a bigger, brighter and stronger self. But first one must get back to zero, one must feel pain and what stronger purifier exists for the soul than pain?

The idea of transformation, change and self-discovery are all things that need to be considered here. Someone once told me, "To stay the same is to die slowly" and I never forgot that. To me, the search for happiness is to be in constant movement of something and in the same breath to be in constant change is to never stay the same. To explore is to search for happiness. How can one want to explore and rediscover identity over and over if they are within the safe cocoon of happiness and safety. Why would one ever even want to leave the cocoon if it makes you safe and happy? Only misery forces you to move and to explore. Only in misery is there self-discovery. Only in misery is there growth and above all, only in misery is there an emergence of identity you did not know existed and a discovery of a new self. Within happiness there is a constant recycling of the old self. You stay in that cocoon, safe, warm but growing more complacent by the minute and to me complacency is the ultimate mental and spiritual death. How many are dead and don't even know it?

With that said, it can be disputed whether pain is a necessity to growth but in my world it always has been. First came pain, then came change. One couldn't have existed without the other. If one is not given the privilege of pain, then one cannot be given the ultimate privilege, that being growth and change. You see, even within the privilege of pain, with enough time, aching thoughts turn into strong beliefs and a once broken heart usually comes back stronger than before. So is it so insane that my current full heart longs to be broken so it can beat faster?

Or maybe human beings need to dream in order to live. Simple as that. What good is life if every dream is now a memory or worse/better yet, a reality? Maybe I love the idea of stable couples and fairy tale stories. Maybe I am infatuated with the concept of a white picket fence and it is the dream of having that which keeps me warm; warmer than another person ever could. You may find all this odd- to not fully pursue something, to not pursue a dream in fear of it no longer being a dream but that is the reality of so many. My Uber driver and I talk about this all the time and it is those same thoughts that make us understand each other every time one of us does something the outside world labels as self-destructive.

So many pursue their dreams, believe in them fully and even take the steps to see them come to life but stop dead in their tracks when it is evident that the dream may become a reality. Or maybe it’s not that I wake up and I long for heartbreak and pain when my current life gives me joy and success, maybe its just that I’ve lived long enough to know that nothing lasts and when the heartbreak and the failure comes, I want to be ready. And one can only be ready if they themselves never fully allow themselves to have that which they dreamed of. Or maybe it is the search and the hunt of the unattainable that gives  fire and drive. To attain all that you seek may extinguish that fire and it is within that fear that I find myself at times having an overwhelming and unexplainable longing for heartbreak. In fear of losing that fire that I long to experience the privilege of that which is to feel pain and subsequently, to experience change, over and over again.