Friendships, Conflict and the Strength of Proverbial Bridges.

A tiffy with a co-worker (nothing serious) ended with an epiphany (most days should). When it was all said and done and we exchanged our, “Hope you are not mad at me”, “Oh no, hope you are not mad at me”, I realized something. We have uncomfortable sit downs with those we actually care about. Think about it, when something goes unresolved it leaves little holes of resentment that eventually ruin blankets of friendships; however, those we truly want to keep around we confront things about. In other words, unconsciously we do not want those pockets of unresolved issues to grow larger and more tattered. In regards to my co-worker, I feel I can express myself to her (and her to me) because at the heart of it, I actually really like this person and therefore I feel I can be honest and expressive. Think about it, aren’t your most closest friendships filled with friendly teasing and at times heated debates? Of course they are. It is those we want to keep at an arm's distance and don’t really want to get to know that we smile and nod even though our hearts and brains want to act otherwise. Why cause conflict with someone you don’t care about, right? Not worth the energy, right? It is those we truly like and want resolution and understanding with that we come (above all, take the time and spend energy on) and say, “Hey, that thing the other day rubbed me the wrong way. Lets talk”. Why do that with somebody who you don’t care about? You wont. Not only will you not burn that bridge but above all, there is no bridge to burn. Its all just one big illusionary bridge. Its not really there and above all if you ever step on it, you fall right through. Much like the friendship, there is no real foundation to it.

With that said, the whole proverbial concept of burning bridges is an underrated one and let me tell you why. It's not that I like having conflict with those in my life but rather I like to know exactly how strong a bridge I have with someone is and no test was ever as revealing as your first real argument . Sometimes testing proverbial bridges (however unpleasant) is a necessary action to determine who you have a strong foundation with; which bridges are truly solid enough to run through. Or, who will throw you a life jacket (ego and frustration aside) if others bridges you thought were real turn out to be illusions and you find yourself swimming in unfriendly waters. 

On that note, can immensely strong bridges (see: true friendships) ever truly be burnt and left with no trace? I don't think so. They might get tattered a bit but only illusionary bridges ever disappear. See, I rather have a few select, strong sturdy ones that will be able to hold me and all the shit I may have to cross with one day than look around and see bridge after bridge but know deep inside that if I ever do cross any of them I will fall right through.

Next time someone comes to you with something unplesasant and you get all, “Why is this conversation happening?” take a minute and try to remember my words: we fight, resolve conflict and keep trying with only those we truly want to keep around.  Those who have not said one ill word to you or have never expressed any form of disappointment probably don’t care enough to do so.

Shit New Agers Say

Anyone who knows me knows that I am all about the positive life but not if it means glossing over situations with rainbows and clichés that do not apply to the real world. The following are phrases I hear on the daily. Someone please, make it stop!

“Time is an illusion.”

It is? So you are saying I can show up to work 30 minutes late or make a friend wait for an hour and there will be absolutely no repercussions? Amazing, what an easy going life I have been depriving myself of! To those new to the blog (welcome, dear friend) this is me being sarcastic. See, I have a problem with thinking that there is an infinite amount of time to do whatever you like. Some of the most successful people I know set specific timelines and mental due dates with goals they want to achieve. Living your life with no concrete deadlines is easier (wont argue there) but how productive can you be? Lets get something straight; you don’t have an infinite amount of time. Even if you are a believer in reincarnation and think you will come back over and over to do the things you really want to, shouldn't you still make this lifetime count? Shouldn’t you still view time (your time) as precious? One of the worst things is to assume that you will have more time and more chances to do everything you ever wanted. Time is not an illusion. Rather, it is very real.

“Don’t have expectations.”

If you are a past reader then you know that I devoted a whole post  to how I think expectations get a bad rep. What’s so wrong with having standards that you and those around need to live up to? What's so demanding about having an expected way of how you want to be treated? The truth is, we all have expectations (whether we want to admit it or not); however, what you expect from others should also be expected from yourself. Expecting to be treated with respect and kindness, I’m guilty of that one. Maybe you should be too.

“Give Everyone the Benefit of the Doubt.”

In theory, this mantra sounds really nice. Believe and trust all. Never mind gut feelings, reputations and little things your subconscious picks up and transmits to your conscious, right? Wrong. Trust is earned, not given on a silver platter to everyone and anyone we meet. Same goes for yourself. Want to be trusted and liked? Make sure your actions and words correlate.

“Don’t judge anyone.”

I’d like to think that when someone sees me doing my best impression of one of the girls from “Rock of Love”, they don’t judge right then and there but rather they take a few minutes, talk to me, get to know me and then judge me. Judge me by my words and actions because quite honestly, what else do you have to go by? The truth is, you should judge people when you see patterns and consecutive actions. Give people chances to redeem themselves but hold them accountable for repeated mistakes. If you ever see me act up, be a pal, make me take ownership and please judge me when I fail to do so.

 “Don’t take anything personally.”

This particular mantra I hear the most. In theory I like it because once again it makes one leave a situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

If you never ever take anything personally you are also denying yourself emotional and mental growth because in order for that to occur we must first admit our mistakes and change our patterns. We do screw up and sometimes it truly is us and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?”, the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way. Sometimes it really is you.

(Unresolved) Family Drama = Future Relationship Drama

Being the wannabe sociologist that I am, I sometimes look at contrasting groups of people in my life and think to myself, “Why does group X not behave or react to things the way group Y does?” For instance, I have girlfriends who meet a guy on a Tuesday and on Wednesday will be sending me texts saying, “Karina, I’m in love”. Then there are the girlfriends who meet somebody on a Friday and on a Monday just casually let me know that they met someone nice and they are curious to see what may happen. As someone who belongs to the latter group I often ask myself: what distinguishes the “boy crazy” and the “girl crazy” individuals from the non? Well, maybe some of you will yawn or get annoyed by what I have calculated but it comes down to one main common denominator: current family relations; specifically those that are healthy versus those which are not. Almost every single “boy crazy” girl I know is either estranged from her parent(s) or has unresolved and looming resentment for her family. On the other hand, the girlfriends I have who don’t spend their nights and days getting to know boys, chasing boys and then subsequently crying over boys, have pretty strong family relationships. Is this all a weird fluke and coincidence? I doubt it. See, what I am about to say is nothing revolutionary as it has been documented in countless psychology books but so many young people refuse to see that there are reasons why they continue to live a life and attract people who don't make them happy. If you didn't grow up feeling wanted and loved, that painful burden and lack of acceptance of oneself is carried over to adult relationships. You become so thirsty for affection and acceptance that you cling to anyone who shows you interest. The non-boy crazy girls on the other hand already have people who love and support them (their family) and thus they don’t get swayed by any Plain Jane or Joe Blow. They also know how real respect and love looks, smells and feels like and when they encounter the opposite in the form of a dysfunctional relationship, they run, not walk, away. From what I have noticed the men and women who continue to stay in relationships that do not fulfill them and/or base their season's goal as getting a partner, almost all have deep rooted issues with their families. Makes perfect sense if you think about it. Their first experiences with love were rooted in anger and pain by their family and so it is no wonder that as adults they stay in situations that a) are not healthy b) are not built on respect and love and c) justify the dysfunctional family relationships they had while growing up. In a way, its all they know and as time goes by the chain of dysfunctionality becomes a stronger one to break.

I personally grew up with a mother who loved and stuck by me through the thick and thickest. She played the role of amazing mother and father all in one and so when it came time for this bright eyed girl to date, rest assure, my expectations of how I wanted to be treated were unshakeable. My mom has taught me that real care and love is being patient with someone, at times putting their needs and wants ahead of yours and it is those mantras that I carried and continue to carry with me while I navigate through dating and relationships. I already have people who love me unconditionally and will be with me through everything so baby, you gotta bring just a little more for me to be interested. In other words, the unconditional love and strong bond I have experienced with my family is the reason I am not boy crazy and am not wrapped up in anyone who shows me the slightest show of interest or care. 

How is all this relevant, you ask? Well, for starters are you boy or girl crazy? If so, how are your family relationships? Solid as a brick and yet you still get easily attached with people you encounter? Okay, let me know my theory does not apply to everyone. However, if you are in the group that has had a very painful and hard time with relationships then I suggest first mending things with the first group of people who taught you how to both receive and give love or the lack thereof of the two. If everything is good at home then why would you ever spend your time chasing and/or staying with people who do not fulfill you? You wouldn't. Your family relationships are the foundation for all your future romantic relationships. Make them as strong as you can and the rest will come.