Everyone Will Hurt You But I’m Still an Optimist

You get to a certain age and a part of you just expects for romantic interest X or friend Y to hurt you. Just like that 3rd loop on a fast roller coaster that you know is coming but still feel jittery altogether when it happens. Or if they do not, one becomes baffled as to why they have not yet and like clock work, sooner or later they do. Sometimes the pain will come softly and in small increments and other times it will pour over you like a wild Toronto thunder storm that shuts down the TTC and leaves people scrambling and asking, “Why me?” Why me, indeed, I still ask when hurt by somebody unexpectedly. I mean, at my age I should know better but I’m still surprised when it does happen.

If you are a closet mush ball like me (like every Cancer- hard shell, all mush inside) you value friendships and relationships and still want to open up like this heart has never felt pain. When someone says, “You can trust me” I actually want to believe them. No matter how much of my 30 + years on this dark planet makes me think otherwise. Why is that? Why do I still want to trust utterly and fully when human beings are (pardon my French) walking and talking fucks-ups that mean well but usually don’t do well? Why do I still want to allow people in when I know that human beings love to hit the “mess things up button” when everything is nice? Maybe we are all just programmed to be self-destructive and it should come as no surprise when one of us acts out. Maybe it should come as a surprise when we don’t act out.

Or maybe I still give human beings the benefit of the doubt because I have met the cold, standoffish prototype and it is a lonely, bitter life they live. They’ll shrug and say they do not care but if you get to know them better you’ll see that all that anger and loneliness is really just pain and mistrust. They are quick to be judged by outsiders but I know where they are coming from. Though I may seem like their anti-thesis, in a way I am them and so are you. And so is every single person who has ever trusted utterly and fully and been treated unfairly. You think to yourself, why did this come my way? I didn’t deserve this. I deserved better. 

On that note, at what point does one say, “I’m done” or rather at what point does one still keep trying even when logic tells you, don’t trust this person. How many times is enough? If you are like me and want to believe, no, scratch that, need to believe, that the world can be a nice place, you keep giving chances till you find yourself sitting on a Megabus, crying while coming back from what should have been a fantastic ending to a fantastic trip. It is then that you scavenger around your bag for paper, borrow a working pen from the Italian guy a row behind you and you write a blog entry such as this. And in the midst of the long drive you ask yourself, can human beings ever be fully trusted? I don’t mean the fake, say hi when I see you, lets do a few shots trust, but the real and sincere trust that leads to a lifetime bond. Is it even smart to trust another person anymore?

My ex-boyfriend wouldn’t skip a beat to answer that question and give one of his famous, “Human beings should not be trusted. They don’t know what to do with such power” speeches. Truth be told, such a speech from him would often trigger and be the start of a lengthy monologue by yours truly that would try to erase every, do-not-trust-humans-theory he’d throw my way. Maybe I used to try to silence him and throw out words like jaded and crazy because somewhere really, really deep inside I knew he was right. Give human beings too much friendship, too much of your inner child; reveal too much of your vulnerable self and with enough time they will trample all over them. Or maybe I am scared to believe that I live in a world that only looks pink because I am wearing rose-colored Ray Bans. Or maybe I long for someone who will wear rose-colored glasses with me and give me a weird look when I try to take mine off. Not somebody who wants to pry them off me. 

It must be stated however that not all pain that human beings give is intentional and as in this particular case, might even be met with a plethora of apologies and genuine feelings of guilt but that doesn’t change that you just cried and your inner child was once again reminded that they must grow up or continue to trust fully and utterly and coincidentally continue to feel pain, as children often.

A lot to think about on my way back to Toronto. My inner child wants to continue to trust, fully and utterly but like all children, one has to grow up one day. Maybe those cold, standoffish types have it all right and it is I who has it backwards but still my closet mush ball self wants to trust, fully and utterly. Maybe I will experience more pain than my anti-thesis but at least I am still trying and trusting; trusting and trying. 

Or maybe human beings are the last thing from perfect and we are not meant to be trusted for the simple fact that we are not perfect. Or maybe we are just that, human beings; complex, fucked-up and deep inside all just little children never fully grown. All just trying our darnest in a world that will bring out our worst selves more often than our best selves. And that is what I will remind myself when I am hurt. That nobody is perfect, not even I. Especially not even I. 

As I am getting to the end of writing this entry and someone just reminded me that I am half way to Toronto and am just about to pass through Kingston, I am looking at the person who hurt me and I feel somewhat better. I know with enough time I can forgive. Why? Because I still want to see the best in people, even if we still are all walking, talking fuck-ups. Even so, that does not mean that within us does not exist a lifelong inner child that longs to forgive when they just cried their eyes out and in the same breath, just as much, wants to be forgiven when they have made a mess. It also helps to know I got someone on my side in Kingston. Maybe they’ll hurt me one day and I’ll write a part deux to this post. Or maybe I have met someone who will nurture my inner child the way others did not know how to. That way, I can keep wearing my rose-colored glasses and continue to believe that I can indeed trust, fully and utterly. Besides, I look good in rose-colored Ray Bans.

To Live in the Moment or to Think of the Future? or The Rewarding and Exhausting Side-Effects of Always Wanting to do the Responsible Thing.

If you were a, did-whatever-the-hell-you-wanted-teen like I was, your life did a 180 in your 20s. Yes sir, by the time I was 22 every decision was calculated and before I did anything I asked myself, “How will this affect my life 5 years from now?” Sure, others labelled me as overly cautious and sometimes prude but I took pride and comfort that I made “smart” decisions like going to university, continuing in my program when I wanted to drop out and overall not jumping from guy to guy (no matter how fun my girlfriends made it seem). 

Once you see a life that is the product of doing whatever you want, whenever you want, you live in state of fear of experiencing the painful and at times shameful effects such a life brings. I lived my life being calculated because I knew the side effects of living carelessly because that was me as a teen. Tomorrow didn’t exist and what the world thought did not matter. All that mattered was me doing what my heart wanted. I didn’t care if I failed my grade 11 math test because I went out with my boyfriend the night before. Yes, I lived in the moment. Something you can afford to do as a teen. In my 20s though I saw myself understanding the value of living for the future. If I had a part-time job and saved a month’s pay, I felt proud that I did that. If all my friends were going to a show and I stayed home, I felt in control of my life that I had the will power to just stay at home and be fine with that decision. If a guy I was into wanted to go out but I knew I had to stay home and study for my 3^rd year Geo-Politics mid term, I felt empowered to say, “No thank you, busy.” Yes, things like that made me feel good because it meant that I was in the drivers seat of the vehicle that was my life. Not my heart or my desire to do what felt good dictated my life but rather I dictated my life. I lived in such a way for the majority of my 20s and though I felt incredibly empowered I also felt a lot older than I was. Believe it or not, I was actually disturbed that at my then 25 years of age I had never experimented with any interesting "candy." This is what people my age do, I thought. They are wild, they experiment, they do things without thinking. “Try it Karina” I urged myself. Though the idea of being a carefree 20 something felt seductive, my mind would always go back to teen me. I’d sit in my room and I’d remember how it felt to not start university when all my friends did because I was still catching up on my high school credits. I’d remember how it felt to not be able to go away on that girl’s trip I wanted to because my life was not organized. But above all, I never forgot how it felt to feel like I was ways and years away from having the life I truly wanted. 

It is those thoughts that still till this day make me feel guilty about going out twice in a row. It is due to those exact thoughts that I became a promoter. How does one enjoy live music but still feel productive at one? You become a promoter of course where being at live shows is part of the gig. It is also due to a fear of living with the side effects of a carefree life that I don’t pursue certain romantic interests or better yet, cut them short (usually unexpectedly and when the guy thinks everything is great). The way I have always seen it, relationships drain your time and energy (even the good kinds) and why would you allow yourself to be drained of the two most important non-renewable resources that you have (Question: what is more important than your time and your energy? Answer: nothing). 

I have seen situations when it is all about the other person (à la teen me) and its one that I think never serves you. Most importantly, its one I never saw one benefiting anyone. You either end up broken-hearted or become part of a really stellar twosome where you find all your time and energy goes towards the other person. How can your life be amazing when you need to put in all your time and energy for your life together to be amazing? How can you do everything you need to do for own self when conceptually being in love is about being carefree, living on pure emotion and spur of the moment desires. How can one ever be successful if one lives like that? How can one ever care about getting ahead when under the trance of being in love? It is that exact fear of morphing into the carefree, lovesick girl I was as a teen that has made me put a halt on certain romances. I have seen the side effects of being that girl and believe me folks, its scary. It’s scary to know that your happiness lies in the hands of another person. To me the idea that someone has the ability to affect my mood and productivity levels is troubling. But that’s the life of someone in love, is it not? Bound to be affected by that person (mind, body and spirit) whether you like it or not. 

The idea of being vulnerable doesn’t jive with a control freak like me and vulnerable Karina isn’t merely as productive as control freak Karina. To be in love with another human being however is to be vulnerable every moment of your life, is it not? But at times I still wonder, did I lose out on getting close to certain people because I thought carefree and head in the clouds/in love Karina would screw up the carefully organized and nice life I have going for me at the moment? Maybe. Have I experienced less in life because I am more careful than the average girl to jump head first into something? Have I taken myself out of pleasurable and fulfilling scenarios because I fear that love will put me off track of my life plan that involves taking over the world? Okay, that was a joke, I don’t actually want to take over the world but I do very much want to be successful and though I still categorize myself as a hopeless romantic, maybe nowadays I think success is more important than love. Or maybe I no longer believe in love and so why not at least strive for something I can hold in my hand versus merely just in my head?

And this is where my head is at at this exact moment. Whether or not to cancel Sunday’s date with someone I’m genuinely excited about so I can catch up on work, errands, show announcements, light dusting, etc. I think to myself, so what if him and I have another amazing day (and night)? So what if I walk around Kensington carelessly and aimlessly with a grin on my face while we hold hands like two stupid teenagers? How does that help me get ahead in life? Or maybe, this is one of those, damned if I do, damned if I don’t scenarios that I often find myself in. Spend the day together and feel alive and risk becoming the carefree, lovesick teenager I was or cancel the date, tell him to never speak to me again (like ever) and do all the “right” things that I know I should? Or maybe the answer is balance. I can allow myself to be happy with this person and still deal with all the responsibilities that come with being me or maybe I am an extreme person; either in love, happy and carefree or single, thriving and responsible. Either one or the other, ol’ girl. Cant have both, it seems. 

I’m not alone though, I know I belong to the increasing percentage of people who have the line, “Its not that I don’t want to have a relationship, I just want to stay focused” on repeat. Or maybe my view of what it means to be happy has changed since I was a teenager? I want to use the word progressed but maybe someone who would choose success over love is actually a product or regression. Or maybe nowadays I view self control as king and vulnerability as having the worst hand? Funny how we change as adults. Teen me would have killed for a great date with a guy who excites me. Current me kills the idea of such before it even begins.

The Rise of The Anti-Celebration Movement/Celebration Shaming

“Who throws themselves a birthday party? You’re not five Karina” he said. “I know and obviously I do” I replied, hoping to not sound annoyed but truth be told I was. I wasn’t surprised though, it wasn’t the first time (and I know it won’t be the last) that my overzealous self met its antithesis. Yes, my cheerful, “I’m going to have a birthday, its going to be awesome, please come” was met with an eye roll and categorized as being “self-indulgent” (exact word, kids). Never one to label someone simply as sour or as the infamous “hater” character (that's too easy), rather I sat and thought why throwing a birthday was deemed a social a faux-pas to some. This person was not the first to voice their thoughts that having a birthday party was not what people do these days and so begs the question: why do the majority of people not like their birthday or better yet, shame those that do? Why has forgetting your birthday and looking down on those that celebrate theirs become the new normal? Have we become the bland, anti-celebration generation?

If we have I kind of get it. We do have a lot of neat tools and gadgets at our disposal, our phones talk back to us and if you are reading this on your brand spankin’ new smart phone, chances are you got it pretty good (first world problems are a real thing, folks). So yes, I would assume it is hard for some to get excited about life’s milestones when everyday is a social circus for some. I don’t know if its because I grew up in communist Russia or never fully grew up in my heart but I’m still amazed by life and hate to sound cliché, but do think being alive is a gift (sorry I’m not sorry). If you know me personally then you know that I love to celebrate life and a day that I came into the world seems like a good thing to celebrate. I also think the day you, kind reader, came into the world should be celebrated too. All birthdays should be celebrated and so why wouldn’t someone be happy to celebrate their birthday or better yet, be happy for someone else celebrating their birthday? Besides, last time I checked, birthday parties were enjoyed by all who came, not just the host.

As someone who seldom rains on someone's parade (I have had my unflattering moments, I will be honest) I try to encourage people to do out of the box things with their lives and follow whatever big, bad dreams they might have. Why? Because life is boring when it’s the same ol’ daily grind. Yet, I wonder, why are there those that will go out of their way to knock down an idea (in this case a planned birthday party) when it really has no bearing on their own life? As mentioned before, merely labeling everyone a “hater” that doesn’t agree with your lifestyle is too simplistic and lazy in my books. Or maybe we are a generation of bells and whistles but no real motivation to actually do anything. You know the person that has over 4,000 Facebook friends but is always alone at the bar with no real social confidence. All smiles in their Facebook but genuine self-doubt and self-loathing in their hearts. Is that why we cant understand why someone would want to celebrate a birthday? Are we annoyed to see others celebrating because we have a lack thereof to celebrate in our own lives?

The worst part is, the unhappy ones are advising the moderately happy on how to live. Isn’t that screwed up? Grown adults taking advice from unhappy grown adults on how to live. In my life I have found that you get screwed up when you listen to other people. Rather, if you follow your own intuition you are always in the right. Maybe that’s why the majority of people are so unhappy. The endless well meaning chitter-chatter on how to live, whether or not to plan birthday parties and the other.

Going back to throwing a birthday party being categorized as a “self-indulgent” thing, why can’t such an action be categorized as a self-love thing? Why it is so hard to comprehend that some of us genuinely look forward to another year. As a woman living in modern times I know that the popular thing to do is to stop celebrating past 25 and adopt the “I’m too old for this shit” type lifestyle but truth be told, I'm not there yet (no matter how many times I do hear my mother say, “You’re not 25 anymore, Karina”) It’s true, I’m not 25 anymore but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be excited to celebrate my 31 years on this planet. If anything, shouldn’t I be more excited that I survived all these years?

Or, if you are like me and didn’t always think you’d see past 25, then you celebrate even harder, every year that you do decide to live. This is where I let you in on a little secret about those that laugh the loudest. At one point in their lives, they cried the hardest. And this is also where I tell you that those who celebrate the most today might have felt some time ago like they would never celebrate anything ever again. But that’s changed and for me my life gets only better and bigger (knock on wood) so shouldn’t I celebrate that? Besides celebrating with my fav people (birthday or not) is what makes me happy and isn’t that what life is about, to be happy?

Or maybe I fear that when I start stop celebrating life’s special moments it is then that I stop celebrating life altogether. And there’s so much to celebrate dear friends. My philosophy in life is pretty simple, I have to enjoy my life and if I don’t then I have to change my life. I wish I can throw a celebration every weekend but alas time and monetary constraints wont allow me to do such, so let me have my day. Let me celebrate with no chitter-chatter. Let me be “self-indulgent”. Let me make a Facebook birthday event page with yours truly in a skirt too short and heels too high. Let me be me, even if you don’t understand me. Because the truth is, I will anyway.

6 Ways You Just Put Me in the “Not Interested” Category Before You Even Opened Your Mouth/ Confessions from POF Land.

If you know me personally then you know that I’m not huge on the whole dating game (you are shocked, yes I know). Not because I have stopped loving being carefree in the big city or have shelved my childhood dream of the white picket fence. On the contrary, I very much enjoy the idea of doing whatever I want, whenever I want (I think my Facebook party pics speak for themselves) and I still dream of the white picket fence. You know that one that is in the background while my spawn plays outside and I enjoy a glass of Chardonay in the brilliant sunshine and hubby is cooking steaks just the way I like them. I love the idea of all that however, I hate the idea of spending every Saturday night getting ready for a potentially meh person (I always remind myself that meh to me could be dreamboat for another and vice versa) and a potentially meh connection. I also hate the whole, "Why hasn’t he called he had a great time” that us girls tend to get. Dating overall just seems like one big ol’ headache (maybe other people are just one big ol' headache) and this city girl hates headaches.

I refuse to spend considerable time meeting folks who just don’t do it for me and would much rather do something (anything) with my time than that. That’s where Plenty of Fish comes in. Usually my profile is in the hidden section (deactivating, activating it months later seems silly) so keeping it hidden or dormant allows me to come and go as I please. Once in a blue moon though I’ll click, “Unhide Profile” and see what’s out there. I'll put on my most flattering one piece and go fishing, as the kids say. A sea of faces seemingly all eager to connect penetrate my screen and in the first 30 minutes I feel like the most attractive girl at the bar with a line-up of guys wanting to chat her up. Before I get too carried away though I always remind myself that I’m not at a bar, I’m at home in flannel pants, yesterday's shirt and have mom's famous sour cream face mask while talking to randoms that may not look like their pics and could very well be the exact opposite of who they are projecting online. It’s a discouraging thought to be spending your time with someone who may not be who they say they are but that’s small fries compared to all the things that people do that put them in the "Thank you but no thank you" category before they even open their mouths.

You Were Negative

I'm gonna start the first POF "Don't" with the most overused, cliche thing anyone can ever tell you. That being, be positive. It's a hard thing to do when the majority of us aren't feeling positive and hate everyday that doesn't start with the word Saturday and Sunday but let me ask you, would you go to a job interview expressing how much you hated your former job and how you wished they’d die for how horrible he or she (probably she, female bosses are the worse) treated you and the hours he or she made you work? Of course you wouldn’t because that kind of attitude makes you come across as bitter and a bit paranoid and nobody wants bitter (or paranoid). On that note, why do grown adults not see that such an attitude will also get them nowhere on an online dating profile? The truth is, we’ve all been hurt. Some of us to the point where tears can start streaming down our face when discussing a former relationship but it is important to remember that the person that hurt you, is not the same person behind the screen. Remember, that person that hurt you is not behind the screen and tell yourself that when you want to unload on someone you just met.  

That person you just said hi to could be the most honest person in the world so why bring that negativity into a fresh new room that you both just entered in? Because that’s what every new meeting with someone new is- a fresh new room with brand new curtains and a never sat on sofa. Don’t ruin it by bringing in that old smelly rug you secretly still hate but keep cause you can't let go.

You Leaned With Materialism and Didn't Show Me Who You Truly Are

If I’ve said once, I’ve said it a thousand times, quality women will never stay with you just because you are ballin’. The “basics”, sure they will (what else are you doing?) but show me a driven, attractive and assertive woman who is looking for the real thing and it’s gonna take a lot more for her to get off the market than a flashy car and a big house. Not to say that she will not appreciate and admire what you have achieved in your life but if your dating profile pics have you holding stacks of cash and a gallery of your cars (seen all that and more), most women who have it together will be turned off and might actually feel sad that you think were all the same. Nice things are great but at the end of the day, if there's no spark, there's nothing. Besides, do you really want a girl who is just down for the party?

I use the same principle regarding posting only good bikini pics. Personally I have a link to my blog on my POF profile because at the end of the day I wont always look like the picture he saw in 2016, my character and ability to write however will. Case in point, gentlemen, take down all your flashy car pics off your profile, like now. Who are you really?

You Weren't Creative About the First Contact or First Message You Sent

I know it may be annoying but when you message me via a dating profile with a mundane, "Hey" to me you are just some guy messaging me to say just that. I have no idea who you are and you get lumped into the dozens of others who just sent me a “Hey, hows it going?” message. I need a little more to be interested. I’m not saying start writing me poems from the get go but comment on something that makes me feel like you actually took the time to read my profile. As mentioned I have a link to my blog and somebody who takes the time to read just one (it just takes one) blog that I wrote, is somebody who I will never ignore.

You Weren't Patient

What has always fascinated me is how persistent strangers can be. I have experienced guys sending multiple messages within a day that made me want to message them and say, “Buddy, this is not how you do it!” Once I even did. I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad but rather wanted to instill some wisdom in the poor sap who thought sending me, “Hey, got my first message?” or “You there?” was a turn on. It’s not, like ever.

Remember that girl that texted you her 3^rd message of the day before you even replied to her first? You didn’t want her right? She turned you off because, well, who wants to be badgered over and over. Well, women are the same way. Whoever told you we like persistent men got it right but there’s a fine line between persistent and making me feel like you are all about me before even meeting me; before we even connect. This applies to guys and girls. Ladies and gentleman, patience is a virtue. If they liked what they saw on the screen they will get back to you. No convincing or reminders needed. Comprendi?

You Weren't the Kind of Guy You’d Want Your Sister to be Messaged By

There’s a great quote I heard a few weeks ago that made me think. It said, “Are you the kind of guy who would be happy your daughter was dating if you had one.” On that note, would you like it if some dude sent your sister a dick pic or an invitation to bump uglies from the get go? No of course you wouldn’t. Treat online women who you do not see in the flesh with the same respect you would if she was in front of you. Some of you are shocked when women are not as open as you would like them to be from the get-go. Sorry babe, too many invitations for weird shit that have us a little hesitant. Nothing you can’t change though by being a genuine and sweet guy.

You Don't Understand What Women Want

With so much knowledge at their disposal it astounds me how lost some men still are to women. Have-it-together, good looking guys who are the epitome of a proverbial "catch" are making every mistake in the book (many of the ones I mentioned above and more). So here goes, I’m going give you advice that most females wont divulge and that is, what do women truly want and how do some of us get off the market? Personally, I think I speak for the majority of women who will tell you that they want to feel desired. When we believe that you actually care about what comes out of our mouth (more than what you would like in it) it is then that you have us. Walk into every romantic setting (online and off) with this knowledge (that a woman must feel as if you truly desire and care for her) and every hot girl you see online can be yours.

4 Friends to Distance Yourself From To Get Your Mind, Body & Health to the Next Level

When I was growing up, my mom’s favourite thing to say to me was (insert Russian lady accent here) “Karina, tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” Like clockwork, I’d roll my eyes and answer (insert little girl Russian accent here), “Okay, mom.” while every fiber of my being had to contain myself from yelling, “You are wrong!” Instead I would just always nod my head and smile. I refused to believe that there was such a thing as, guilty by association. How could there be? Aren't we all individuals with our own quirks and characteristics? Also, I didn't believe that someone else's bad habits can become my bad habits just because I spent considerable time with them. That's crazy talk, I thought.

For instance, I considered myself entirely different from my teenage best girlfriends (never mind that any given day you could see us all rockin’ the same Le Chateau flairs in midnight blue). What my mom preached to me was complete nonsense I thought. Just because I was dating a guy who dabbled in a little coco here and there, didn’t mean I went near it. That went without saying, right? Right?! Everything my mom preached made no sense until I grew up and realized that who you surround yourself with is a mirror of what you value, who you value and (shocker) how much you value yourself. Below are 4 friends who may not be allowing you to get your life to the next level.

The always heartbroken, always broke, always unhappy friend.

I’ve always been told I am a natural nurturer (damn Cancers, all caring and shit) and thus most people gravitate to open up to me. Maybe I seem like somebody who wants to hear them and once upon a time I did until I realized that it’s draining to be friends with someone you have to be a life coach too. I mean, most days I’m busy playing life coach to this ol’ girl and some days working overtime as head life coach. Don’t get me wrong, if you are a close girlfriend or guy friend and ring me up at 3 am to tell me how Boy D or Girl P broke your heart, 99% chance I’ll spend the rest of the night consoling you and telling you how hot you are and that they didn’t deserve you in the first place. Why? Because that’s what good friends do but if this is a weekly thing, then we may have a slight problem. See, you might think I’m just reaching but some folks actually get off on being unhappy. It’s an identity they carved out for themselves and no amount of life coaching can help them because the truth is, they don’t want help, they don’t want change. They like being the always heartbroken, always broke, always unhappy soul that they claim to be. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be ringing you up every Friday like clockwork telling you the same ol’ story. Instead they’d be bettering themselves. The sad part is, if you continue to roll with this friend, it wont be long till you might end up being heartbroken, broke and ultimately, unhappy.

The always takes, seldom gives friend

I’m the kind of girl that notices when a friend buys me a drink. It’s a little thing, I know, but how could one not notice when there is a new, delicious drink in your hand (my fav double lime too) and I haven’t even opened up me new Rebecca Minkoff wristlet? Vodka crans don’t just pop up out of thin air, right? Hmm, wouldn’t it be awesome if they did though? Okay, were getting off topic. But yes I always notice when a friend treats me because the truth is, it feels nice to be treated but you know what else feels nice, to repay the favour; to make that friend feel appreciated. And I know some of you are judging and are ready to jump on this with a “Why do I need to repay a nice gesture when I didn’t ask for it in the first place?” and I understand where you are coming from however, in my friend role book, if you are a person of integrity, you have a genuine desire to treat those who treat you. This can be applied to many different scenarios. Case in point, if you are going to take, give back as well. Don't want or cannot give back, then do not accept and take, it's just that simple bro.

The “this wont work, that’s a dumb idea” friend.

If you know me personally then you know that much like myself, I love outspoken people. Loud, tell you how it is, straight, no chaser kind of folk. We need people like that in our lives to tell us when we could be hitting up Bovine just a little too often, dating a douche or douchette or just not acting right. However, there is a fine line between being that well meaning friend and the always-bringing-you-down-friend.

For instance, in the summer of 2014 while planning my milestone bday concert, I decided that I wanted to dive head first into concert promoting. I knew it would come off as a little bit of a shock to some because well, just because you are a staple in the Toronto concert scene, doesn’t mean you know a thing about promoting concerts. Luckily I did and do but not everyone felt that way. I will never forget how it felt telling one of my then close guy friends that I was going to do my first show and how excited I was. He wasn’t excited for me though. He actually told me I didn’t have what it takes to succeed in it and that I was wasting my time even trying. “But I have to at least try. That’s the kind of person I am…” I tearfully typed out to him on FB chat. He broke my heart that day. Not because of what he said but because I knew right there and then that he wasn’t a real friend. 

Appreciate those that believe in your big dreams as much as you do and most importantly, cherish those that see the hidden talents that you possess. Your real friends think you’re fuckin’ amazing and know you can do anything you put your mind to.

The secretly wants to see you fail friend.

This is quite possibly the hardest friend to cut loose. Why? Because you probably have known them for years. Hell, he or she might have slept over the night before. You may have even hit the bars together twice last week cruising for dudes/chicks. See, the painful truth is (and this is years of scientific proof speaking at you) very few people actually and sincerely want you to do well and become the biggest and brightest version of you. It gets better, 90% of those folks are your blood family that actually have a serious stake in your life as your success means they didn’t do so bad after all. Yes, this is a hard pill to swallow but its not that most people don’t want you to do well, they just don’t you to do better than they are doing. Sure jealousy is part of the human experience but if you have a friend that rarely congratulates you, secretly smiles when you fail, doesn’t come out to support you and you overall have always felt that something was off, look into that and don’t just categorize it as nonsense. Real friends have a genuine desire to see you happy, healthy and thriving.

You’re Not Okay, I’m Not Okay, We’re Not Okay and That’s Okay.

Have you ever felt really optimistic and motivated and then have it all go down the bidet the next day? Or even worse, wake up on top of the world (I like to start my day off with Rick Ross' Hustlin' when I feel such, don't judge y'all), ready to conquer and by dinner time feel like everyone and everything rejected you (forget conquering you just want to get through the day in one piece)? If you have checked yes to both of those things, congratulations, you are a flesh and blood human being with a beating heart.

It’s always amazed me how things go wrong when you least expect it or should I say, feel so strong and uplifted that you can't imagine feeling anything but those things. Sure, you get to a certain age and you expect a little wrinkle here and there but it’s no fluke that life often serves us a big dose of “Let’s see how you are going to handle THIS tough guy” right before you sat down and said to yourself, “Bring it, world, I got this!” You ain’t got shit, sweetheart. It’s okay. None of us really do.

Two weeks ago I was making sure my correspondence was up to date (Facebook, Yahoo email, POF, that sort of modern girl thing) and was feeling good. Like really good. Actually, the fact that I was catching up on my correspondence was a sign that I was feeling good because who wants to answer, “How are things?” with a truthful “Awful.” There I sat at my computer writing away, feeling light and carefree, happily replying to email after email with an honest, "I'm really good" then bam, like clockwork a not so nice message was calling my name. Who sent it and why is was sent is not important in this dialogue but rather what should be investigated is how fast the light and carefree girl from an hour ago transformed into somebody who had tears in her eyes trying to tell herself she was too old to cry over spilled milk or in this case, a mean girl who have no love for ol’ Karinie.

As I sat there, hurt and confused by the message I just received, I had a thought- if I truly was that carefree and happy girl from an hour ago, then how and why would this message affect me? If my feelings were genuine, then how can anything possibly touch me? Or more importantly, if the ground on which I stand on is rock solid, how can anyone ever shake me? It was right there and then that I realized that to be human, or in my case, to be a sensitive human, meant that there is no such thing as rock solid ground. Ever. You would think such news would have upset me even more but on the contrary, it uplifted me. 

What I was feeling, a good day turned upside down is what most people experience. I was no different from them and there was no shame in feeling happy and going to sleep feeling the opposite. 

The realization that life was both a rock solid marble concrete I walk on and a big bumpy playhouse underneath was comforting. Life really is an abundance of the both the good and the bad; carefree and light and painful hard in the same breath. No going around it. That’s what makes all of us human and that's the path that is in front of us.

The fact that you can be in a metaphorical tropical climate and feel hot and want to remove a layer of clothing and then feel cold when put in a proverbial ice storm and long for that warm sweater you just took off, doesn’t mean that your thermometer is off but rather you react to both the cold and the hot. As every human should. Would you ever want to be the person that is in the heat and then the cold and says both feel the same? I don’t. Human beings are reactionary creatures and really have the ability to experience every emotion and feeling there exists when living in a world where anything can happen to them.

Or maybe the plan is to always keep you guessing. You know, never allow your head to get so big and your heart so strong from never feeling heartache that you forget what sadness does feel like and have no way of understanding (see: comforting) someone suffering. To make you have enough in your emotional bank account to feel good but not so much to that you start believing that nothing can ever touch you.

Or maybe if you are constantly on unsteady ground, always knowing that a boost of suffering and heartache can come at you any time or day then maybe you can start appreciating your happy times just a little bit more. As cliché as it may sound, the truth is, the happiest happy have suffered the most and thus actually appreciate good times like nobody else can understand. “Why are you so in this moment” they might ask and you’ll reply, “Cause I know it wont last.”

The good news is, mean girls (and mean boys), just like emotions, come and go. None of them hold on to you indefinitely. Nothing can. If you can remember that on your darkest day then there is nothing you won't get through.

Everyday we are walking on unsteady ground. Wake up with a smile on your face on Tuesday, cherish it, it may not be the same story on a Wednesday. Same goes for you who went to bed with tears in your eyes on a Friday. Cheer up, something amazing might happen to you next Saturday. Feel hurt by a certain person. Guess what, they too are going to be coming and going. Remember that part I said about nothing being able to hold on to you indefinitely? Same thing goes for those you meet, for those you hate and sadly, even those you love. Nothing and no one can hold on to you indefinitely. Find comfort that nothing lasts forever; not your popularity, not your loneliness, not your youth, your sadness, and as my favorite lyrics said to me on a very dark 1999 October day, “Not even cold November rain.”

Would Rather Have Riches Than Love/ I Walked Away from Love

Would Rather Have Riches Than Love

Would rather have riches than have love.

Would rather have a Chanel purse than a hug.
What's the point? That hug you'll give to somebody else anyways when I am away from you and another has her arms wide open.

Would rather have a vacay than a bittersweet kiss that will be held by someone else's lips that bear no resemblance to mine.

Would rather have a new pretty dress than be written a love song. 
One day after you had sung it and proclaim that it was meant for me (and only me) you'll change all the Karinas and greenish-blueish eyes to something else.
She'll never know and the song will be hers and I will sit pretty and loveless in my new pretty dress.

Would rather have riches than love.   

I Walked Away From Love  

I walked away from love because it made me complacent.
I walked away from love because that at times numbing and yet fiery longing and hunger for more left me and was replaced with warmth, empathy and compassion when I fell in love.
That hectic, wild storm that scared me and yet thrilled me became a calm body of water that provoked in me a state of stillness when I had love.
I walked away from love because it made me complacent. 

I walked away from love because when we were in bed I no longer cared if I missed a workout and if that stomach he kept kissing was utterly flat enough. That's a problem when I need my stomach to be flat.
That need to conquer the day and save the world was gone, banished as if it was never there. Only to be replaced with wanting to save him and I and only him and I. That's a problem when I need to save the world and it isn't just him and I. 

That filthy, greedy desire to make more money and show off became an afterthought that started to hold little substance. How can one ever  be full from materialist shit when one was already from just his touch?
I walked away from love because it made me complacent. 
So forgive me, my love, that I walked away from love. 

How to Love Yourself Authentically and Sincerely

You might think that writing a piece on how to love yourself is redundant or better yet, unnecessary in a world that puts so much emphasis on self-fulfillment and pleasure. The irony however is that even with so much emphasis on the self, today’s grown adults seldom know how to love themselves. I mean truly themselves and as a result most don't know how to love others. I’m not talking about a quest rooted in ego and self-absorption but rather authentic care and sincere love for one self.

True self-love is rarely advertised as the world does not encourage us to love ourselves authentically and sincerely but rather promotes a superficial kind of love that starts hot and heavy in the summer and dies bitterly and alone in the dead of winter; a one night stand kind of love. Hot and heavy but no real substance. All show and tell but when the chips are down, you are lost. You know that kind of fake love, where you are friendly and go through all the motions of love but cant think of one thing you honestly like about her or him. Secretly you cringe when you see them hit going on events you are at but will both be nothing but hugs and smiles when the two of you finally do meet (yay frenemies unite). That is the kind of superficial, unauthentic self-love that the world encourages for ourselves. No wonder so many seemingly confident people crash and burn the moment their life starts to unravel and it is revealed (sometimes even they are surprised) that they never had any authentic self-love to begin with.

Below are 6 ways that you can practice authentic self-love:

Put Yourself First and Feel Free to Say “No Thank You” With Ease.

When I was growing up, if I wasn’t working on my own projects and essays, I was working on my little brother’s. I have so many memories of me as a tween, staying up till 1 am all messy hair and my little hands all tired from writing and/or drawing while my brother was fast asleep on his second dream. As far as I could remember my mom always told me that good sisters help their brothers whenever they can and it is that exact mantra that drove me to stay up and do grade 8 homework (again) when I really wanted to sleep. Years later I noticed I adapted that same philosophy over to friends and relationships. I found myself helping and being there for those that I felt drained me of my time and energy but whenever I wanted to pull back I'd hear myself say a revisionist version of my mom’s mantra, “A good girl/friends help others.” I continued to spend my time and energy on those that I felt needed me because as my mom’s advice with my brother, I too believed that to be a good friend or girlfriend, you had to put the other person first. Never mind what I needed, these people had bigger fish to fry, so I thought. In other words, whatever time and energy I had leftover from solving other people's problems I could unapologetically put towards mine.

It has taken years to undo this way of thinking and nowadays if I do not care to go somewhere or really do not care to speak to someone, I will not think twice as to say, “Busy at the moment, catch you another time.” I am no longer frantically looking for WiFi so I can reply to an email or message instantly (heaven forbid I reply the next day) but rather I conduct myself in a way where I am not in uncomfortable situations to please others. I have learned that I need to please myself first. That’s true self-love. To identify what you need and get it. That is way more important than having others identify what they need and ask you for it. Authentic self-love will always put your needs first.

You might say that this approach to friends and relationships is a a bit selfish and is a form of character regression rather than a progression because truth be told, I agree that the world is a better place when we help each other but in my life I have learned that the most helpful and giving people are also the most hurt. Think about it, if you are constantly giving and spending time on others, what time and energy is there left for you? What time and energy do you have to heal your own scars and wounds if you are bandaging up others?  The way I see it, putting others before yourself is like bleeding from an open wound but using a cloth to wipe the sweat of a friend that just ran 10 KM instead of using it to hold pressure on the wound. That’s what lack of self-love looks like. Constantly bleeding but worrying how others are feeling.

Eat Right and Take Care of Your Body

Feel free to judge me but I’ve never met an overweight person I believed when they told me they loved themselves. Same went for ultra skinny minnies who lived on salad and grilled chicken once a day. To love yourself authentically and sincerely is to nourish your body and truly listen to it when it is hungry and when it is full. It is to feed it colourful veggies and fruits and indulge in chocolate cake when the mood strikes. To love yourself is to feed yourself but also have the love of oneself to say, “I don’t need that 3^rd slice of cake.”

To love yourself authentically and sincerely is to listen to your body and slow down when it is telling you to do so. In the same breath, when it is telling you it feels like running for no good reason except that it needs to, listen to it. Did I ever tell y’all the time I ran from Queen and Palmerston to Queen and Ossington with weird glances all around me. If anybody would have asked me why I was running I would have replied, “My body felt like running and I love it so I listened.” Nobody ever asked though- pity. 

Tune out the B.S.

When you have authentic and sincere self-love the opinions of others don't hurt as much. When you lack self-love pleasing every walking talking person that enters your life will be your priority. You wont even care about the person per say but their unflattering opinion of you will work as a mirror of sorts to who you think you are. When you have self-love the only mirror you know to be true is the one you hold.  

The biggest lesson I have learned in the last 10 years (and this goes back to the first point of putting yourself first) is that I do not have an endless amount of time nor energy. The more time I spend energy on the thoughts of others, the less time I have to focus on my own dreams and aspirations. Besides, some will hate you for the simple fact that you have self-love and are doing well.

Also, keep in keep that when others have self-love the way they will criticize you will be in a way that may be a wake-up call but it wont be one that feels like they are metaphorically bashing your face in just for you to see their point. Rather, they will come to you calmly, firmly and gently. When you have self-love you will do the same.

Surround Yourself With Those that Truly Love You As You Are 

I’ve always been bothered by the quote, “Surround yourself with those that accept you as you are” because many times we grudgingly accept things we do not love. For instance the majority of us have accepted that our boss does not appreciate us, but that doesn’t solve the situation. I don’t know about you but I love to surround myself with those that not only get my craziness but admire it. The other day I had a friend tell me, “I wanna be Karina happy. I bet you walk into a supermarket smiling from ear to ear.” This is in contrast to those that tell me I am too loud and that I should use my “inside voice more”. Guess which friend I want hang out with more? The former of course and not because my ego loves being stroked but because when you are constantly around those that tell you they think you are too loud, too outspoken and not patient enough it is then that those traits that define you will be the exact same traits you will be ashamed of. You will start to believe that you are too loud, you are too outspoken and you need to work on your patience. Before you know it you become this quite, afraid to raise her voice kinda girl. You’ll hate her and miss that loud crazy chick that was authentically you.

Surround Yourself With Those That Truly Want to See You Do Well

I’ve always lived my life by the theory, “Be nice to everyone but only trust a select few” and so far it’s worked. I’ve met many people who I didn’t think wished me well and distanced myself from them even when others said I was not warranted to act that way. The truth is, wolves sometimes come in really fabulous faux- fur and its important to differentiate who will be the wolf that will want to bite you the first minute they are able to. Save yourself the heartache and allow people to prove themselves to you. Those with real self love know that trust is earned, not just given out to anybody that enters your life. Think a friend or boyfriend did something weird that questions their loyalty- ask them about it. The number one way to decrease your self-love is to surround yourself with those that secretly do not want you to do well and to make yourself believe that it’s all in your head. How do I define those that don’t want you to do well? They secretly wish they had what you had and most probably they will betray you at the first available chance. Having self-love is walking away from those kind of people.

Develop and Trust Your Own Instincts and Intuition

I had written a whole post a few months back on the importance of trusting your intuition and I still stand by it (for those curious: http://theocdmind.blogspot.ca/2015/08/intuitiveness-intent-and-other-survival.html). In my life I have noticed that I am the most spiritually awake and coincidentally have the most ability to be instinctually right when I have the most self-love.

When you love yourself authentically and sincerely, your intuition becomes your compass of who to be with and where to be at. When you lack that self-love and coincidentally start looking for it in others it is then that you start questioning your own instincts and intuition and sometimes find yourself in the wrong circles and most importantly, with the wrong people. When you start questioning your own intuition (the number one sign that your love tank is dry) that’s usually when everything gets messy. If you truly love yourself, trust your instincts and know that they are leading you to where you need to be (no matter what you hear otherwise). 

You may be reading this and have to ask yourself, how do I know I lack self-love. I think the biggest indicator where you are in the self-love scale is how to treat other people. The world is your reflection and if you're frustrated and have a disdain for others, chances are those feelings are also found in relation to how you feel in regards to your own life. Think the world is full of idiots and you are the last surviving rational person? Hmm, maybe you gotta check that self-love monitor of yours.