How To Handle a Breakup With Grace

Breaking up is hard to do, we all know that. Whether you are the one breaking up or the one being broken up, it is one of the hardest things we deal with when it comes to dating and relationships. There are so many ways one can respond. We can turn into a crying mess and beg for reconsideration and pity on our poor, bleeding hearts. Some cut off that person cold turkey and never look back. Others start dating and filling that void with another person. As someone who has handled breakups in every way imaginable I think I can offer insight on how to make the best out of an unpleasant situation. I've done the research brah, trust me on this one.

Do Not talk Shit About the Other Person

Whether you are the one doing the leaving or the one being left, our first instinct is to talk about it with others. And though many times our friends and family (God bless them) mean well they can make you enter a slippery slope of verbal diarrhoea regarding your ex. It’s a tempting offer to go on a crusade letting people know to be aware of this masked heartbreaker but doing such will never work out for anybody. Firstly, your ex will probably hear about this and it will cause a fight. Secondly, if you ever get back together you will both look like idiots and lastly, no good can come from it. It will just put you in a tailspin of drama, gossip and pain. You’re better than that.

If Need Be Cut Them Off
When I was growing up I was a big advocate for being friends with an ex and though that is a great concept in theory I have yet seen it work out for anybody. Friends wish each other well and have fun together, how can you possibly do those things with someone who just told you they don’t want you. You can suppress the bitterness and act as your higher self but being friends with an ex usually leads to jealousy, insecurity and further prolonging of the “getting over it" period. Or if you are the one doing the leaving, 3 am texts of proclamations of love will only confuse and may make you go back. You left them for a reason, never forget that. And if you stay awake at night worrying that maybe they need you for something or maybe they got into an accident and you are their emergency contact, don’t worry, they are a big boy/ girl, they can handle their own life.

Do Not Get in a Relationship With Someone Right Away

Remember that part that I said that I have dealt with breakups in every imaginable way possible? Well, many times I have ended one relationship and quickly got into a new one. I’ve always seen it as, “It’s not my fault there’s a lineup of possible suitors so why should I be alone?” And as cocky as that is, that is a fair point but  I don’t think anything real can happen when you jump from one bed to the next. Sure, you can meet somebody and have something real fairly quickly but make sure its not 2 weeks apart. Also, we sometimes misunderstand loneliness for feelings. Do you really want this person or do you just need to be wanted by anybody.

Understand That If Somebody Doesn’t Want to Be With You or You With Them, There Is a Reason

I’ve mentioned earlier how I have dealt with breakups every way imaginable. When I was in my late teens and through most of my 20s I handled breakups like a drug addict deals with going clean. I cried, I was in denial and I suffered physically and emotionally due to this heartache. To me being broken up with as the worst thing to have happened. I have called exs crying, begging them to take me back and even once showed up to one guy's house, convinced that if they saw the state I was in he would want me again (how can anyone deny a crying puppy eyed girl). Let's just say I was asked to politely leave and with tears in my eyes, I did. None of that ever worked for me and all it did was make the ex take a further step back from me and understandingly so. Nobody wants a crying mess begging for their love. And when I have been on the receiving end of tears I too thought, "Yikes!" It is only in the last few years that I realize that breakups are a God sent in a way. Gifts from the universe. Whispers from a higher being that says, “You deserve better.” I can honestly sit here and tell you that every breakup I ever had, no matter how heartbreaking, no matter how surprising and no matter how much I may miss them till this day, every single one was for the best. Every man who has ever left me did me a service. Every man I ever left with hindsight I am so glad I did because there and better and richer love was waiting for me on the other side. If only I knew that then.

Lastly, nobody is guaranteed as a life partner for the simple fact that you cant control anybody's life or destiny except your own. Some people leave those they love because they have different lifestyles and refuse to be in conflict for the majority of their lives. Other's leave those that they would spend the rest of their lives regretting they ever did. And some pass away and we must learn how to go on without them. In summary, life is meant to be enjoyed and if you find someone to enjoy it with then that is a beautiful thing but it can also be enjoyed solo- while dealing with a breakup or on the other side of the healing scope. However you go about your broken heart, do it with dignity and grace.

The Beauty and Inclusiveness of Indefinite Emptiness

A few weekends ago I had found myself flipping through Netflix options and was asking the eternal question that has plagued my generation, that being, "What do I watch?" I had noticed the just released comedy special by Dave Chappelle titled "Sticks and Stones" and since it had infiltrated my Facebook feed many claiming that it was everything from, "highly offensive", "boring", "not funny" to, "the best thing I have seen in years" I knew I needed to watch it. I'm from the school of thought that if its controversial it will spark conversation and conversation causes engagement and that is almost always a positive. In other words, if its offensive, I want to watch it. I didn't know that 30 minutes into the special I would be inspired to write this blog piece but as mentioned, that's how controversial things work- they make you think; they inspire you and as is the case here- one thought caught on to another thought and a whole discussion about something entirely unrelated was born. Funny how inspiration is similar to human connections- most are random and found where we least expect it.

As expected the comedy special was indeed funny, very funny to be accurate. I laughed out loud several times but it was also dramatically thought provoking. My Facebook friends were all right, yes it was offensive, yes it was political, yes it was at times crass but it was also thoroughly hilarious. One subject matter that really caught my attention was when Chappelle had mentioned the suicide of Anthony Bourdain. Chappelle was baffled that he would ever do such a thing and went on to say, "the man hung himself in a luxury suite France!" An unfunny moment for survivors of suicide and the families of those who lost those to it. Chappelle went on to compare Bourdain to an unsuccessful high school friend who had never even contemplated taking his own life though Chapelle had suggested that perhaps he should have judging by the state of his life. "This man was 45 and the manager of a Footlocker living in his mamas house." The audience erupted in laughter because everyone understood that Chappelle did not in fact want this man to take his own life but rather he was making the comparison how those who you would think would want to do such a thing, are the last ones to. And as was the case with Bourdain, specifically those we view as successful and living in abundance and would never think would to want to not go on. At that moment I thought to myself, what was the difference between those who live being content with lives they should not and those who suffer while living in seeming abundance? And then it hit me, it is the acceptance of the void. The acceptance of the void and full understanding that the human experience involves living with an undefined level of emptiness indefinitely. The difference between misery and contentment is how much you accept the void and understand that it is there indefinitely.

After this epiphany I turned to the person sitting next to me and started ranting. I usually sound like a crazy person to him but by the look on his face I realized tonight, it was more so. "I think the secret to surviving life is accepting the feeling of emptiness and understanding that you will have a void no matter what." He looked at me with a blank stare on his face but that did not matter because in my mind I had just discovered an invaluable lesson about life.

The moment you realize that there is not anything wrong with you because you feel a sense of emptiness is when you obtain the ability to conquer and survive the human experience they call life. The ability to sit in a room, by yourself, feel that void, give into it, taking it in fully and realizing that the emptiness and sadness that you feel is normal is the secret to surviving life. So many (myself included) feel a tremendous amount of guilt about ever having sad thoughts because as pop culture likes to remind us, "If you have a smart phone you are better off than most" and though I agree with that statement, it does not take away that we are still left to sit in a room, by yourselves, feel empty and wonder, "Whats wrong with me?" The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. I need you to read this again, nothing is wrong with you. And now for the people in the back, nothing is wrong with you.

To feel the void ans emptiness is merely to be human. To understand that this is something we all feel no matter who you are or will become is the secret to survival. I don't know the highschool friend Chappelle was referring to in his skit by I imagine he had better coping mechanism for this void than Boudain as he is still walking, talking and living.

For maybe the most simple people understand that no matter how many commas or zeros exist in your bank account, no matter how many "fuckboys" you can turn into "relationship guys" and no matter how much you gain which you think will complete you, if you understand that none of this will ever fill you emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually, then you can survive this life.

Chase all that with the belief that it will make you happier and you too might one day find yourself in a fancy French suite by yourself and the feeling of emptiness will be so vast that you wont be able to escape it. You cant escape it. Nobody can. All you can do is give into that feeling and know that every single living and breathing human being suffers from the same.

It is the human experience to search and still be empty.
It is the human experience to feel alone in a crowded room.
It is the human experience to feel that something is wrong with you because you feel empty at a time when you should feel full.
And lastly, it is the human experience to feel all this. Give into it and enjoy the shockingly amazing and the overwhelmingly empty experience it is to be human.

How to Cut Off Toxic People/ Toxic Habits From Your Life

When I was growing up, I hated the word, “toxic”, so much so that I started to believe that “toxic” was a buzzword invented by mainstream society that helped categorize anyone or anything that did not jive with you. If anything I felt the need to not label anything toxic, no matter how much it was causing me harm. “It’s all in my head,” I would tell myself whenever I was in a situation involving someone who made me wonder if in fact they were harmful to me (chances are usually, if you are questioning whether someone is harmful, they are). For some reason or another I denounced the word "toxic" and promised to only use it seldom. Years later I look back at how much toxicity I allowed myself to endure and refused to label as such.

With that said, let us break down the term “toxic” by its literal definition, that being, “something that is poisonous, or something harmful or bad.” So in simpler terms, “toxic” can be anything or anyone that causes you harm. Bottom line, if it disrupts your peace, it’s toxic. And with so many things having the ability to cause us harm maybe I was wrong about that word and it is in fact underused, rather than overused. Maybe, my failure in life was that I never labelled enough things as toxic. As that infamous meme said, sometimes I think, "I wish I told more people to f#$ck off."

Why Do We Allow Toxicity In Our Lives 
It seems like a no-brainier, if something hurts you, you would think that you would not have it in your life. I often think of my favorite quote from George Orwell’s 1984 where he states, “To hang on from day to day and from week to week, spinning out a present that had no future, seemed an unconquerable instinct, just as one’s lungs will always draw the next breath so long as there is air available.” In other words, we as a human race are all programmed to survive, no matter the obstacles ahead. I would like to take it even further and state that, we as people are programmed to be instinctively happy or search for happiness. And so begs the question, why would we ever be around anything or anyone that would cause us loss of that happiness? Why do we stay in toxic situations and repeatedly engage with toxic people? Answer to that is below.

We Don’t Feel It Is Toxic 
Up until a few short years ago, I never used the word “toxic” because I believed it was a buzz word created to unjustly label anything one may not like. I detested when Id hear person X say that person Y was “toxic”. It is only when I lost touch with some people and felt better about it that I realized that there was such a thing as toxic people and toxic relationships. To put it in symbolic terms, imagine if one ate a very high carb, high fat breakfast every morning and went about their day as they always do. Now, introduce a diet that is filled with nutrients and vitamins and you would certainly feel different throughout the day but one would have to give up the former to know that the latter was better for them. With not giving up the unhealthy breakfast, one thinks they can snack on bacon everyday and still fit in their favorite jeans. Right? I view toxic relationships and toxic situations very similarly. Many times we don’t know that we are in bad situations or that we are being mistreated and consequently we mistreat ourselves. When you come home after a date with a certain someone, ask yourself, how do I feel post-date or romantic weekend? Do you feel energized and fulfilled or do you feel emotionally drained and lacking? After you see a group of friends, do you come home feeling good about yourself and that you belong to a group or community that truly cares and loves you or do you come home feeling like you should not have said this or that? Do you question who you are and if you are likable when hanging out with friend X?  Categorizing people in our lives as either toxic or not is a very difficult thing because there are so many components to be considered. What I advise anyone to really look at when deciding who is toxic or not is pure feeling while with that person. If you are nervous and on guard with a close friend then maybe there is lingering resentment that has now evolved into a toxic relationship. If you get ready for date night and are routinely doing a mental checklist of what not to say so there is no argument, then perhaps there are toxic elements of that relationship that need to be addressed. 

The same can be applied for habits. There are many people that have toxic eating habits and everyday make the choice to put toxins in their body. Being overweight, not having the same energy level as you used to and overall not looking as you would like are the side effects of having a toxic eating pattern. Rarely do people with those habits ever look in the mirror and say, "Everyday I choose to not love myself enough to give myself proper nutrients." No, nobody says that. Most people say, "I love food" or "It's cheat day everyday for me." All toxic habits, be it in food eating patterns or who you interact with are all excused by the simple fact that the person does not feel that they are allowing for toxicity to enter their life. In other words, we rarely know when our habits or people are being toxic. 

We Don’t think We Deserve Better 
There are many relationships, both romantic and platonic that we know are not right but we continue to stay and have no plan of ever leaving. Sounds crazy, right? Yes, there are people getting ready to meet up with partners that put them down. You go out with friends that routinely and most times unknowingly go out of their way to  make you feel bad about who you are. You would think we would recognize how we feel and start planning an escape/goodbye plan? But no that is not usually the case. The reality is that toxicity runs rampant in our lives. Some people do it knowingly. Such is the case with smoker's who have an endless supply of medical research to prove that every time they light up, they are causing harm to their body. Other toxicity is harder to spot. It comes in the form of people who claim they care and they mean well but are not good for your spiritual and mental growth. I'm not a psychiatrist but I believe most people have self-loathing tendencies that convince them they don't deserve better. That partner that puts them down, they read this behaviour as "They are teaching me to be better." Why is current you not good enough just as is? Why does anyone need to teach you anything about how to act, especially if it leaves you feeling less? That's how toxic relationship work. They are sometimes so subtle that we don't notice the harm it brings. I wonder how we would all live our lives if we woke up  and thought, "I deserve better" and actually believed it. 

How to Say Goodbye/End Toxicity

If you know me in real life you know that I'm a paragraph text kind of girl. Meaning, if I don't like something I will express it thoroughly but what I've come to realize is that sometimes it's best to just walk away with no explanation. No paragraph text, just a dismissive thumbs up. That may seem cold and impersonal but I find that leaving toxic relationships cold turkey is the only way to do it. Most toxic relationships are very complex and they are usually with people we have a long history with and I find that expressing all the ways they have ever made you feel bad actually adds gasoline to the fire. See, most toxic relationships can't be fixed because if they could have been, they would have been already fixed. Let me repeat this for those that need to hear this again, if you were around people and things that uplifted you, they would be uplifting you but they are not so go elsewhere. I mean, you can take away as much sauce as you'd like and even add medium fries instead of large, but that's still a McDonald's quarter pound meal that you are ingesting. What I am trying to say is, don't ingest McDonalds and say you are all about the fit life. Same goes for toxic people. Some days you might have a good night with them but they are still toxic.

If this was not toxic for you, it would have invoked other feelings in you. You would not be reading this and thinking of a particular person and wondering if they are toxic. Chances are they are toxic if you are considering they are.
You Cant Turn Toxic Into Joy
It is very rare to turn a toxic relationship nontoxic. I mean, the goal is to be around those that uplift you and add to your spiritual growth, not be around those that didn't hurt you today so I guess you guys are good now. It's not just toxic relationships that we must rid ourselves of but also habits that hurt our bodies and drain our spirit in the long term. Drug use and alcoholism are two activities that are often masked under the veil of, "I'm just having a good time" but the truth of the matter is that both vices cause harm to one self. I urge everyone reading this to love themselves enough and take away the toxicity in their lives. If you love yourself and I mean TRULY love yourself, then you would want to live a life that is filled with healthy habits and people that bring you positive feelings. That is the ultimate depiction of self-love and self-care.
So many people convince themselves that certain people are not toxic because they do have positive traits overall and that's a valid point but I for one want to be around people that make me happy almost always. I'm told that is unrealistic and idealistic. But I say, it is that way of thinking that has excused toxic behaviour. Life is short, we have heard that our whole lives and you know what, that cliche saying is true, it truly is. We must rid our lives of toxins and anything that keeps us up late at night. We must love ourselves so much that we only tolerate people and things that truly make us happy and give us an abundance of peace. Should that not be the goal for us all?

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You

Get them the fuck out of your life ASAP.

Show them the door without a fuckin explanation because you don’t really owe them one. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. You owe that person happiness and peace.

Fuck anybody who is in your life but doesn’t truly wish you the best. In fact they wish you harm. They might be at your shows. They might even be at your birthday party.

Fuck the users who just want something from you.

Fuck the haters who talk shit but have never so much as shared a meal or a conversation with you. Get the fuck out of my space and don’t smile when you see me.

Fuck the jealous who secretly envy and hate that they’ll never be you. Ask them if they envy you, they’ll never admit it. Fuck them the most. They are the most dangerous. They secretly smile when things go wrong in your life. Never to your face though. Fuck them.

Fuck anybody who you opened up about your trauma and they turned around and did the same thing.

Fuck anybody who you showed you trusted and they turned around and fucked you over.

Fuck anybody who tells you little jabs here and there that make you feel less than. You’ll turn around and you’ll say, "'That hurt, why did you say that?''' and they’ll turn around and say, ''Don’t be so sensitive.'' Fuck them. The next time you are having taking food porn pics or a selfie and somebody makes a little jab tell them to go fuck themselves and to mind their own business.

Fuck anybody who doesn’t think you are fuckin amazing exactly as you are.

Fuck anybody who makes you feel that you are not living your life the right way or call you dumb because your life is different than theirs.

Live at home and you have a friend that makes you feel bad that you do. Tell them to go fuck themselves.

Working at a job just to get by and somebody criticizes you and makes you feel less than, tell them to go fuck themselves.

Not married and no kids and somebody has the audacity to tell you you are living your life wrong, tell them to go fuck themselves twice. Once is not enough for this type of person.

Fuck Anybody Who Has Ever Hurt You.