How to Survive the Holidays with Estranged Friends and Family/8 Ways to Deal with Conflict.

In a perfect world, somebody hurts us and apologizes for it or at the very least acknowledges our discomfort. In a perfect world our families would be the people who have been there for us the most and hurt us the least. Neither scenarios are the reality for many of us; dare I say most of us. In a perfect world conflict between two human beings would be minimal and we would use our time and energy on things that make our lives bigger and better; on things that are actually productive and useful to the world and others. Nevertheless, conflict with people close to us is something that we have all struggled with.  Throughout the year we may not notice the distance between certain people as much because we keep ourselves busy but during the holidays a sense of sadness can rush in and overcome you when you see your friends posting festive group photos while you are reposting a Grumpy Cat Santa meme. This is a step by step guide, a self talk if you will on how to survive the holidays and above all, how to be able to be around those who you have had conflict with. 

1. Reach out first and get dialogue going even when it is you who is owed the apology first.

If it is not yet evident from my past blogs, I’m a big advocate on talking things out. I’ve never understood people who delete and/or block on Facebook and break down communication altogether. The way I have always seen it, the faster we talk the faster we can possibly solve this or at the very least agree to a truce. What is the point of letting things build up over time? There isn’t any. The faster two people talk, the faster things can be resolved.

“Why do I have to be the one that steps up and reaches out?” you say. I hear you and your ego loud and clear, but think of it this way, some people will never be the first to reach out, even when they know deep down they ought to. Be the bigger person and lead by example. Communication is truly the best way to resolve things or at the very least can make you walk away from a situation knowing that you tried.

With that said, invite your estranged family members and even the friends who may have had conflict with to your New Years party and any other celebration you throw in the future.  Show the world and naysayers that you are above it all. Shock your "enemies" by showing them that you will not be part of the drama. Besides, letting things drag out and escalate is so 2014. 

2. Don’t sweep things under the rug.

Modern society is a living and breathing oxymoron if there ever was one. We encourage people to speak their mind but we also shame those that do it unapologetically. There are many times in my life I have heard the words “confrontational” and “shit disturber” towards those who were merely stating how they feel when something occurs they do not like. As individuals we should be allowed to confront those who we feel wronged us. If they feel bombarded or taken back- that’s their problem and should never be a reason to stay quiet. Besides, if your delivery is polite but stern they will hopefully see that you are not berating them but having a conversation, that’s it!

If you can, try to carry out communication one on one in a private atmosphere and if you can help it, refrain from letting anybody other than the person know how you feel. The whole, “he said, she said”, broken telephone thing is very real and the last thing you want is to have this person hear from various other parties that you are upset before you even confront them.

If you are about to attend a social gathering with someone you have conflict with, ask them to meet one on one beforehand to clear the air. Have you ever been to a party when you stood there talking to your friends and you could feel the tension sucking up all the positive and fun vibrations? I have and it’s not pleasant. For the sake of your host, yourself and other happy-go-lucky attendees, clear the air with someone you have conflict with that you know you will see repeatedly at various events. And if they decline you can at least acknowledge that certain things need to be ironed out and you are open to resolving it when they are. Either way, win-win.

3. Be assertive but don’t add fuel to the fire.

My first and second point discussed how important it is to communicate and state what it is that has upset you and caused conflict but it is also important to remember what critiques will undoubtedly start another argument.

I have a guy friend I have known for close to ten years and there are certain things that he has said over the last year that I have not cared for. I confronted him, we briefly discussed it and never spoke about again. Why is that certain topic off limits for him and I? Because discussing it further will only ignite the fire. Besides, we want to continue to know each other and in my mind, what has occurred is small fries on a friendship that has spanned an entire fun filled decade. I don’t ever advocate sweeping things under the rug but sometimes you just have to understand that you have said all you could and now just need to move on.

If you are still hell bent that your sister threw your favourite toy car that you asked all year for out of the balcony in a fit of rage 10 years, you are allowed to be  (she knew it was your favourite toy car!) but what use is it to bring it up now? When around those we have had conflict with it is highly important that we focus on the now or at the very least not so distant past. Going down a list of everything that has ever annoyed you will not solve anything but will leave the other person feeling as if there is no solving this. Pinpoint the top 3 things that have hurt you or rubbed you the wrong way and give them a chance to speak. No more than 3. If you have a list that has over 10 things that they have done that you have not liked (and titled just that) then you have ask yourself: is this even somebody I want to make up with? 

4. Don’t be dismissive.

There exists a very popular (new age) philosophy that I’ve never liked: “Don’t take anything personally.” Did you roll your eyes just now, I did. If you ask me, life lessons such as this one breeds a culture of zero responsibility, passivity for one’s action and dismissiveness.

Don’t get me wrong, I get the allure. To view everything as someone else’s problem is actually quite easy because you get to leave every situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

Admit that sometimes you do screw up and sometimes it truly is you and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?” the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way and enjoy the holidays with one less person hating you.

5. Try to understand where they are coming from and be accommodating.

This point is directly tied to not being dismissive. Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes is not an easy task because a) your ego has to be left at the door b) you may see yourself as the one in the wrong when being on the other side of the table and 3) you may have to do something uncomfortable to make things right.

Personally speaking, such actions are merely small gestures that one can do to repair a friendship or rebuild family relations. What does it cost one to fix things with someone they have wronged? Not much in my book but as I have learned, such is not the case for others.

When you have hurt someone over something that you deem as trivial, recognize that the same perhaps cannot be said to the person on the receiving end. What you view as a “no big deal” remark can take somebody back to a dark place or a memory that they have tried to heal from. Besides, if you know that something you say or do will cause someone discomfort or pain then why carry it out? We are all a product of our experiences and relationships and some of us have been through things you can’t imagine so at the very least you can act as if you do.

On that note, if you are trying to repair a friendship or family ties do something small but meaningful such as allowing them to choose where they would like to meet. If you are inviting someone to a holiday party you are on shaky ground with, go out on a limb and ask them what is their favourite appetizer or dessert. Gestures such as these work as metaphorical white flags to show the person that you are open to resolving things and ultimately, still care about them.

6. Agree to still be civil and polite.

I don’t care who you are or what you did to upset me but the minute I sink to your level, I have become just as wrong as you are. Remember that part I wrote about being above things, well, still treating someone who has hurt you with some level of respect is the number one way that a) you keep your integrity in tact b) you lead by example and c) your karma is secure. Every unpleasant situation needs that one patient person who will swallow some of their ego and continue to be the adult, even when they really want to be the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone.

Whenever I want to lose my cool and get psycho bitch on those I feel deserve it I remind myself something, “If I am cool, calm and collected, I can never be wrong.” Isn’t that a comforting thought- that even you are in an ugly situation you can still escape it with class and integrity. Besides, who the hell wants to be known as the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone?

7. Give things time and space.

If you know me personally then you know that I don’t like things to be dragged out longer than they should and like my resolutions like I like my Caesars- fast. If something unpleasant occurred to me on a Saturday, best believe that on a Monday and maybe even Sunday you will get a Facebook message or a phone call letting you know that I didn’t appreciate so and so. Many times people are responsive and will admit that they were either rude or unthoughtful without meaning to be but then of course there are those who feel bombarded at the slightest trace of confrontation and will hide, block, ignore and do anything to escape being confronted. Recognize when you are dealing with somebody who will not understand you today, most likely will not get you 2 weeks from now but quite possibly might see your point a year from now.

Not everybody lives life by the mantra of mutual respect or having the ability to communicate and you have to recognize that.

If you are at a social gathering and it is evident that the person who you have conflict with is feeling uncomfortable being near you, then give them the space they need. As I mentioned, in a perfect world we would all have the ability to talk things out like grown adults but such is not the case but respect that nevertheless.

8. Put your own happiness and peace of mind above everything else.

Something happened to me last month that served as a lesson of sorts. I was in Ottawa with work and somebody had said something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Not wanting to escalate the situation over the steak dinner we were all enjoying (or ruin my professional relationships with others), I said nothing to defend myself. I went up to my hotel room that night and felt less than. So much so that the next day I experienced tears while holed up in my hotel room while on a long distance phone call with my boyfriend thinking whether or not I’d be allowed to take an early flight back to Toronto. After I hung up the phone I did what always makes me feel better; I went down to the hotel lounge, ordered some food and sat there quietly isolated writing in my journal. I wrote about exactly how I felt. How alone I felt, how this exciting trip was being ruined by a careless comment by a unthoughtful person. The more feelings I expressed the angrier I became at my own self. I was angry that I was allowing my trip to get ruined and my heart become heavy. I thought: how is me allowing myself to succumb to my emotions fair to my own self? It's not. Why am I allowing conflict with another ruin my trip? I shouldn't.

Every single conflict infested situation gets to the level of emotion it does because you allow it to. I allowed myself to get bent out of shape due to that comment. I made myself stay in my hotel room while others from my work were sightseeing. I denied myself pleasure at that moment, not the person who hurt me.

In a conflict situation involving estranged family members and friends one must never forget that it is their own heart that they are hurting in the end if they succumb to the ugliness. Be above that, my dear friends. Put yourself first and do not allow anyone to rob you of your own happiness.

And for those wondering what I did after I ate my soup and closed my journal: I went upstairs, changed and joined the rest of my group at that night’s holiday party and even smiled at the person who had made the remark. Not because I was now fine with what they said but because at that moment I put my own happiness and peace of mind above everything else. The truth is, we are not all meant to be close friends. Appreciate those who are and determine who is not worth a lot of your personal investment but nevertheless a minimal level of mutual respect. 

Conflict with those we are friends with, those we see regularly and those we are bond by with genetics and blood is not pleasant but it rarely needs to get to the level of ugliness we allow it to. Resolve things for your own sake and enjoyment. Hold people accountable but understand that forgiveness and conflict resolution directly affects your own happiness and peace of mind.

Thought of you today and it wasn't the same...
Went by your/our old stomping grounds and it wasn't the same.

Recreating moments I had with you with someone else and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless special. 

Allowing myself to be completely open (mind, body, heart) the way I was with you and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless comforting. 

Hearing our song, receiving good news at work, celebrating Halloween without you. 
Needless to say it isn't the same...
but nevertheless more sweet than bitter.

Life without you...
It isn't the same but still precious.

On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why Most On Should Stay Off: Part 2

If distance makes the heart grow fonder then on-and-off again relationships are not as crazy as they seem. Relationships such as these often stand on the premise that distance and time apart adds to it and makes it stronger than it was before. It makes sense; time apart will allow both people to grow and learn lessons they can’t or would not while together but have you ever met a really unified couple who just celebrated some kind of a milestone anniversary? I have and very few have done the whole stop and start thing. Sure some were separated due to a new (dream) job in a different city or family obligations that involved them traveling but have most broken their union by their own will over and over again? No, they haven’t and most (truly) happy couples do not have a history of being on-and-off again.

In some twisted way, people in on-and-off again relationships have it good. Single when they want to be but at the back of their mind know that they have a naked frozen person in their fridge ready to be defrosted and ready to cuddle with them when the urge strikes (I’m using metaphors again, no need to be scared). Or maybe they only like relationships during the honeymoon phase (who doesn’t right?) and if you are currently in an on-and-off again relationship then you know how entincing the beginning is every time you both get back together. Maybe that’s the reason you are coming back- to keep having the honeymoon phase over and over…and over.

My previous post outlined the reasons of why most stay in stop-start relationships but I failed to mention one of the biggest reasons and that which is not being ready for the “real thing” (this definition varies from person to person). If we are truly honest with ourselves we will admit that we seldom are ready for that great big love that will change everything. Maybe you wanna play the field a little longer? Or maybe you are not ready to be with that amazing person because you yourself are not yet amazing (but getting there). And those of you saying, I’m in an on-and-off with somebody I want to end up with but am not emotionally and mentally ready for something serious, make no mistake, I hear ya. Let me be clear though, when we meet the real thing we cant let go, even if we wanted to. If you are saying goodbye to somebody all the time, you are not experiencing the real thing. The real thing wants to work on problems because it knows deep inside it doesn’t get better than this person and thus they keep trying. The real thing doesn't know how to watch you be with other people while itself is seeing what else is out there. The real thing cannot stop; once it hits starts, its on .

Forgive me for revealing my true sappy colors (its not my fault all Cancers are born highly romantic) but isn’t love not being able to be without each other? How can you possibly claim to love someone when you deliberately decide to be on off mode and see what else is out there? When you are in love with someone the thought of a break, even a productive one, does not seem plausible. So I ask: those who continually stop and start, do you keep coming back due to the comfort, stability, ego and loneliness factor? How can you claim to be in love when you choose others over that person?

From my experience, every single on-and-off tries to capture the magic they had in the beginning and almost every time they realize they cannot. How can you when you’ve both gone off to do your own thing with other people? Simply put, that purity you had in the beginning disintegrates with every consecutive break-up. Besides, how can either of you respect each other? Is it just me or is there something repelling about an indecisive person or worse, somebody who comes back to you when nobody else is around.

However, anybody who has ever had a similar relationship will admit that the first few encounters of getting back together are usually pretty special but that wears down when you have your first fight and realize that every reason that made you break up in the first place still exists. Like a filthy little mouse you thought you got rid of, you gasp at the realization that it still lives in your home and gets in through that itty-bitty little hole you forgot about. The cruel part is, once you plaster this one you realize there are others you never noticed. In the midst of you trying to close holes left and right while waking up to new ones, one of you will hopefully stop and say, "This isn't fun anymore."

Another interesting aspects to relationships is momentum. Momentum is important and should never be trivialized because like all things that have momentum, once you lose it, its sometimes gone forever. In on-and-off again relationships momentum becomes that thing you try to recapture every time you get back together and every time you realize, you cannot. I like to use the analogy of someone who has always received straight A’s. There is momentum of doing well and succeeding and that same student feels a push to keep going (even when they didn’t study the night before). The moment they throw their textbook out the window, fail to show up for that test and receive an F (aka where couples part) it is then that the momentum starts slowing down. Same goes with couples who stop-start. There is something special about never throwing in the towel, even when you want to.

Call it co-dependency or youthful idealism its time I grew out of but there is something incredibly romantic in believing that the sun will not rise without that special person by your side. It is that belief and fear of wanting to see the sun rise that will make you keep trying. How tragic it is to part, wake up expecting to be in full nocturnal delight and instead awaken to a brilliant yellow. “What?! It’s still there?” you say in a bewildered voice. You parted, the sun still shined and your life kept going. The realization that the sun will rise and your life will go on without that person is a tragic one on some level. Hurray, you can indeed live without them and that crippling fear of losing them leaves you. If you are not big on metaphors and are still trying to decipher this one then let me be blunt, be with someone who cannot live without you. The person who comes and goes as they pleases (usually when they are single again) can indeed live without you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have ever left. 

Need another comparison? Think of an on-and-off again relationship as some kind of a tangible object. Would you keep a faucet that worked some days and kept you thirsty the other days? Imagine how crazy you would get if you woke up everyday not knowing if your faucet was going to work and whether you were going to shower and drink water. Would you keep it? No, you wouldn’t. You would be first in line waiting to replace this stop-start appliance demanding for one that works. Of course with time it will act up and will require your attention but bottom line, your faucet should work and allow you to have nice, fresh water you can bath in and drink water from. 

What I am about to write may contradict everything I have written thus far but as I mentioned in my previous posts my own similar relationship lasted “a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years” and when its all said and done, do I wish I left the second year when it was obvious this probably wasn’t going to survive? No I don’t. I am grateful for those 4 years because I can sit here without tears in my eyes and a heart that is healed. This kind of closure usually exists when you stay until there is not a single bit of spark left; the room is entirely dark and there's nothing left here for you. You leave when you have learned everything you needed to and not a minute sooner. 

Sometimes when you let go of something prematurely (even when deep inside you knew it was wrong) you spend much time thinking of all you may have fixed. When you stay in an on-and-off again relationship till the very bitter end you can look back and honestly say, “I did everything I could” and that itself will be helpful when you will be closing that particular chapter and opening up a new one. However, it needs to be said that time is a precious commodity; perhaps the most precious thing we have. While you are with Ms./Mr.Wrong you are denying yourself to meet Ms./Mr. Right. The universe cant give you something you claim you already have. Have I confused you even more now? Deep inside we all know who is good for us and who we stay in spite of that due to our own insecurities and fears.

If you are reading this while in an on-and-off again relationship that you know deep inside you do not want to be in, let me disclose what it will feel like when you fire the doctor, pull the plug and forget the address of the hospital. You undoubtedly will feel pain but most of all you will feel fear.  Yes, its over. Your Plan B for a good time is no longer an option. Yes, you no longer have a guaranteed back up plan when you have a shitty first date. Embrace it because if this was something truly amazing, it wouldn’t be stopping and starting. That’s the sign of something that isn't amazing but rather mediocre at its best. Embrace the fact that once you end something that does not work you indirectly tell the universe, “Okay, I'm ready for something that does” and usually the universe listens. I would know. Simply put, with the lose of a stop-start relationship you open yourself up to a better working one.

In Part 1 of this post series, I compared on and off relationships to a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket that keeps you warm when you are cold but what if there is a warmer and fluffier blanket out there for you? Cant get that one until you cut ties with the other one though. But what if there isn’t one you say? Well, then you’ll have to learn how to be a big girl/boy and keep yourself warm.  There is no need to ever regret the lose of something because truly if it was working, it would be working.

On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why We Stay: Part 1.

If you know me personally you know that I do not give up on things easily. Blame it on my Russian and Armenian genes but passive and dismissive are words that have almost never been used to describe me. I’m a persistent girl, I’ll admit it and when things go to shit, I will spend every morsel of my being trying to undue the damage (even when I did not cause it). Brick by brick I make it a mission to put a proverbial broken unit back together if it kills me. Like I said, I don’t give up on things easily but this trait (whether I am cursed or blessed is still up for debate) has also transcended to my relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have never been one to give up on people when shown a side of somebody I did not like. In a fight or during somebody’s character relapse (you know that moment when you do or say something you do not mean and that which is not a representation of your real self) I will almost never get up, shake their hand, delete them off Facebook and be on my merry way. That’s just not me. The way I’ve always seen it, to truly accept and know somebody is to experience all of them; the good, the bad and the ugly (but of course within reason). I always knew I wasn’t a dismissive person but nothing made me realize it even more when I had my first (and hopefully last) on-and-off again relationship that lasted a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years. I say beautiful and miserable because if you have ever had an on-and-off again relationship then you know that when its good, its disgustingly blissful (call in sick 3 days in a row, the both of you haven’t seen sunlight in god knows how long kinda blissful) but when its bad you cringe at the thought of ever being in bed with them (even though subconsciously you know you will be). Simply put, in on-and-off again relationships, when it rains, it pours (buckets no less) but when it’s sunny, its fuckin’ blinding.

In an on-and-off again relationship, there are moments so precious, so surreal that you wonder how you could have spent the last 4 months or the 6 months last year or the 3 months the previous year without them. However, there are also moments so painful and so physically and mentally debilitating that your drive and lust for life become fragments of your former self. Yet, you still go back. Every year. Same time. Same place. In my on-and-off again relationship, sometimes things were so consecutive (break up, make up, break up, makeup, repeat) that the years blurred together and many moments felt like a twisted version of déjà vu. And yet why did I almost always go back? Why do we usually go back to a person that you promised all your friends that you got over and have no interest in whatsoever? In on-and-off again relationships you become a good liar, to your friends, your family but most of all, to yourself. The question remains: why do we continue to stay in them? What are the reasons responsible for us continuing to invest our time, our minds and our hearts into relationships that history has shown us are not built to last? I can’t speak for everyone but these were some of mine.

The Comfort/ “We have so much history together” Factor.

There's a certain comfort to being with an old friend that you just don’t have (yet) with a new one. The never awkward silence, how you can start every sentence with, "Oh my god, do you remember that time we..." and the closeness you feel when somebody has seen you at your worse and still likes you. Similarly, in on-and-off again relationships, though they are saturated in large amounts of unpleasantness that never truly leaves (thus why it continues to not work), within it a comfort and a history exists that can be appreciated and felt lacking when it is gone. Much like a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket, on-and-off again relationships keep you warm when you are cold. Nevermind that you leave feeling uncomfortable when it is off you.

The Stability/ “But we know each other so well”/ Factor.

In an unpredictable world such as ours, on-and-off again couples look to each other to be that stable aspect they may be lacking in other areas of their lives. When a first date with somebody goes wrong, you are the first they call. Why? They know you’ll pick up. When a new relationship fizzles out you find yourself conveniently in their neighbourhood. Why? You know they wont turn you away. But above all though, when you experience the pain and rejection associated with someone breaking up with you, they become that shoulder to cry on and eventually the lips that you will kiss. On-and-off again relationships are as unstable as they get but in a twisted way are consecutive and reliable. 

The Ego/ “I’ve already invested so much, I can’t have this fail” Factor.

I started off this piece stating how much I hate failing at things but I am not alone because every person who has ever had an on-and-off again relationship for a significant amount of time feels the same. With friends telling you you should have left months, even years ago and your family constantly rolling their eyes while blurting out, “Here we go again,” admit it, there is a part of you that wants to make this work to prove everyone wrong. You can make this work, no matter how many times you showed others the opposite, you say and a large part of not wanting to have this fail (again!) keeps you invested. The ego seldom can accept defeat, so do those to stay in on-and-off again relationships. 

The Loneliness/ “I don’t want to be alone” Factor.

If we are truly honest with ourselves we can all admit that everyone wants to be with someone. The problem with those who are in on-and-off again relationships is that the thought of not having anyone to spend a weekend with is enough to run back to anyone who will have them. Human beings are social creatures who are not biologically programmed to be alone. There's no shame in wanting company but most in stop-start relationships cannot fathom being single. To them such a categorization can actually translate to being unworthy of another.

When you are in an on-and-off again relationship there is always the availability of that person. You know that there is someone out there (nevermind that you haven't talked in months) that is thinking of you too and thus mustering up the strength to go on as a single man or woman seems like a option that you do not have to choose. Why would you? Though you deleted them off your phone and Facebook, you know you have their number memorized.

The Misguidance and Misconception of Isolation: Revelations from a Former Loner: Part 2.

When I used to refer to myself as a loner it was usually done with the kind of self-righteous that would make Charlie Sheen look humble. I took pride in my all night walks to Port Credit or as my mom called them, my one woman march to no specified destination for no particular cause that will hopefully not see me end up in the bottom of Humber River one day. I boosted how I’ve dined alone on a Friday night at a busy restaurant with confused looks from couples on dates sitting across from me. I bragged how I walked in by myself (buttered popcorn in one hand, fountain drink- no ice- in the other) in a packed movie theatre on opening night. But above all, I looked down on those I never saw outside large social circles and the comfort of their so called clique. What kind of a person has never spent an entire weekend by themselves with their phone on silent? Who would want to spend their weekend on a social kick?  Nah, I was above that. Those who never experienced being alone with their thoughts, by themselves and above all, away from everyone else made me question their sanity. 

To anyone who even seemed remotely interested in my loner tendencies I described how absolutely beautiful it was to simply enjoy your own company for days on end. I was so convincing that I even made my own self believe that the clarity of quietness and stillness found in loner activities could rival any bar hop or glitz of a packed club. But above all, I carried the belief that the lone wolf was more intellectually, spiritually and emotionally evolved than the social butterfly. A bold doctrine to live by, I know, but how often do we tell ourselves things to give our own lifestyle and choices that much more validity. Alcoholics tell themselves they can have a drink, people in committed relationships with a wandering eye simply deem themselves as friendly and when we are wrong we will almost always think that we are right (hello perpetual ego, how are you?) I truly believed that choosing to sit in on a Friday night reading Michel Foucault while others were socializing over drinks made me belong to some kind of superior group of individuals. The way I saw it, to choose one’s company versus being with others was strength. Coincidentally, choosing the opposite, I believed, was weakness.

Make no mistake though, when the time called for it I still was able to turn myself on social mode with the best of them. At birthday parties I made small talk, on a first date I never had awkward silence and when a Facebook chat opportunity with my crush presented itself, I almost always knew what to say. I knew how to be a social butterfly when I needed to but a lone wolf was my inherent identity and that which I felt the most comfortable with (key word comfortable).

A couple years ago I saw a Facebook birthday party picture where many of my friends were tagged in. As I looked at a plethora of happy faces I once knew so well a sense of sadness came over me. Why did I miss this? What was I doing that night that I deemed more important than celebrating a friend’s birthday (you only get one once a year)? The most important question however came when I asked myself: was I really happy as this independent lone rider or was there more to it? There was. There usually always is.

The more self analysis I conducted the more correlations I started noticing. My loner tendencies starting coming into effect when I stated experiencing painful situations. My habit of spending weekends by myself started after I learned what a painful break-up meant, how a a bitter fail out with a good friend felt and ultimately, how hurtful it was/is to feel rejection and nonacceptance from those you want to belong to. Gasp! My loner tendencies were born out of pain and disappointment , not some mythical need for independence and insatiable need to be with myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my assumption of superiority within the identity of the loner in comparison to the social butterfly was neither accurate nor entirely honest. Perhaps I had it all wrong; maybe it is the social butterfly who is more vibrant, confident and quicker on their feet than the independent and seemingly stronger lone wolf? 

When you think about it, it is the social butterfly that has a sharper ability to adapt to different social environments, various (at times conflicting) personalities and ultimately resolve conflict. Why? They deal with such on a regular basis due to their continual experience with different personalities, various social settings and everything else that involves being in a new place with different people. The social butterfly lives in a world where they are constantly liked, not liked, judged, accepted, questioned, challenged, invited, not invited, hugged, snubbed. Simply put, the more social person faces different unpredictable elements while in a social setting, the non-social person does not. The non-social person chooses to be alone and as a result usually gravitates towards the familiar and that which they are already comfortable with. Very seldom does the lone wolf's ego push them in a situation they are not familiar with and with people who may not accept them. Its easier to do the opposite, the ego says and they follow suit.

The social butterfly however actually lives in the world; ventures in it, gets embroiled in all of its beauty and ugliness, strong enough to endure all, patient enough to deal with the latter to eventually get to the former. The lone wolf spends its time in familiar places judging from afar. The social butterfly meets, it interacts, it loves, it hates and through those actions it constantly puts itself out there. The lone wolf rarely does any of that; insecure and afraid of judgment, rejection and falling face first in a crowded room. Their (fragile) ego cannot comprehend the idea that if they do fall face first in a crowded room, they will get up, laugh at themselves, order another drink and can actually go on enjoying the rest of the night along with everyone else. The lone wolf would rather sit in its proverbial and literal cannon; hidden, safe, reclusive. It remains at an arms distance from the world and those who live in it. Too hesitant (painful experience has shown it it should be) to leave the familiar place and identity it finds in this self categorization. If the loner is no longer the self described loner than who are they? To be anything else involves being outside of that identity and to search for a new one.

The non-social person does not consecutively deal with rejection and the unknown as it most often remains safe in the proverbial bubble that it has created for itself. The need for friends? What friends when I can read a book that will reiterate all that I already think? Romantic relationships? Hmm, there's a chance for rejection so I’m not sure if its worth it for me. Large discussion groups? But that means I might get questioned and heaven forbid realize that a certain ideology I hold so dear may not actually be valid.

In terms of learning and growth, in my most extreme loner phases I lived by the doctrine that I am my greatest teacher; there is nothing somebody can teach me that I cant somehow learn on my own. The truth is, to live a life where you continue to be your own sole teacher is like repeating a class you already passed but keep on taking anyways. Yes, you ace it and your ego feels fulfilled due to that but are you really learning anything new? In other words, there is only so much you can learn from your own self. Real growth is constantly and deliberately putting yourself in new situations and testing the waters of that which you like and do not like. How can you know who you are if your sole teacher and point of judgment is your own self? Throw yourself into the harsh tide of judgment and see how you do, lone wolf. If you are as strong as you think you are then you'll be fine, right? Right? 

If you are still confused as to how I see myself, let me be blunt. Yes, most of my blogs have been written in isolation but all have also been inspired by those I have met, grew to know and had experiences with. And yes, I still like my days where I can get lost in Port Credit writing away in my journal with my Motorola Razr on silent but I’ve stopped denying the fact that life’s beauty is found within company and relationships with others. You are allowed, no you are encouraged, to find pleasure within your own self but if you are constantly rejecting the opportunity to interact, meet new people and strengthen friendships, it is then that self assessment needs to become a priority. As a former loner, I can tell you that I have had some amazing days by myself but they were never as fulfilling as those I experienced with another. Some of the most important lessons you will learn through your experiences (both disgustingly painful and deliciously blissful) with others. 

In my loner days I was so impressed with my ability to go on for days without needing to talk to anyone that I failed to see all the beautiful things I was denying myself. I was not better off as a loner. I am better off around people I admire, I respect and can learn from. Even in groups where there is a lack of those things that itself can be both rewarding and critical as it makes you realize what kind of a person you do not want to be, who you do not want to be with. 

If you are reading this as a self-proclaimed lone wolf much of what I have written may have annoyed; how dare I call you unconsciously fearful of others? Where do I get off debunking your perceived assumption that the social butterfly is a fake entity that is constantly wearing a face mask at a social masquerade while the lone wolf is the truest of them all? Much like I did, deep inside you know that this need for an overwhelming “me time” is a choice you are making out of insecurity. Do not allow yourself to be misguided by isolation and romanticized by the idea of a table for one. As someone who has had enough table for ones to last a lifetime, let me state how fulfilling it is to share your heart and mind with a human being over a pesto pollo for one. Do not deny yourself the pleasure of being with others. Do not become withdrawn and when you find yourself hitting “Not Going” to a Facebook event that looks like fun for no reason whatsoever, look within yourself and deal with that which you have not yet. Life’s (best) moments are meant to be shared, not taken selfishly and cowardly only for yourself. 

The Crush

I walk into a concert hall and don’t even look your way,
“She doesn’t give a fuck,” I’m sure you say.

Little do you know that I came just to see you and act all casual like I don’t want it to be me and you.

As much as I try to fight it, you keep entering my mind.

Same goes with my day dreams and dirty bedtime rhymes.

Its like you are camped out in my subconscious and you got the fire going all day.
I wanna stay there with you, hot and tempted by all that you have to say.

I want you, there's no other way to say this.
I wish I didn’t have to lay my heart out on this piece of juvenile tidbit. 

There's so many things about you that get to me.
Your tattoos,

Your smile,
Your attitude and of course,
Your bad boy style.

Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not just the superficial.
Don’t label me as just another fan girl whistle.

There's something about you that makes me think there is not another you but no tattoos and a B.A. just isn’t what you are used to.
That’s okay, I don’t mind, I’ve always had a thing for opposites.
Why?

Similar has just never blown my mind.

You think I’m a good girl and I am but don’t think I don't have what you need in this T.O. land.

Want somebody to hold you, I’ll be that girl.

You’ll play your new song for me and I’ll read you my next blog.
And then well do some lines and all will be good. 

Hand in hand, walking like we should.

I don’t easily like someone, that’s why this is so rare but it’s
also exciting because I think of all that can be there.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
A bad girl at heart.

Come on, corrupt me with your leather and all that dark.

5 Myths Surrounding Suicide Most People Won’t Talk About

1. You were weak. 

Not to get too graphic but if you look at some of the ways that certain people have bowed out, the last thing you can call them is weak. To make a decision and to go full force with it is not weak by my standards. If anything, that is one determined S.O.B. However, if we are going to be assigning characteristics then the common two among those prone to suicide are hypersensitivity and people pleasing.

I’ve always said, if you are someone with an above average sensitivity level, you are both cursed and blessed. Blessed in that you love harder than most, laugh louder than the average and feel happiness on a level others very seldom can comprehend. The cursed part is that you also feel pain on a level others cannot comprehend and will spend energy, tears and time on situations that most wouldn’t give a second thought to.

And there lies the second characteristic of those who are suicide prone; most are people-pleasers. If you are somebody who always puts themselves first then things such as guilt, regret and empathy are not always emotions one feels easily because to you, it's all about you. People who are suicide prone are many times thinking about somebody else’s needs, someone else’s request, what another asked them to do (heaven forbid they say no to someone) and most times it gets to the point where they will neglect their own feelings and needs. They have been helping to finish somebody’s else’s full plate for so long that they neglected their own as it was growing bigger and bigger. The result: clean plate and a full belly for everybody else and full plate and an empty stomach for them. 

Anybody who takes their own life is not weak. There is only so much food one can eat off a plate in one sitting by themselves. Do not get to the point where you are so overwhelmed that you just want to throw the whole thing away. There are new plates (stronger and imported ones), there are better food choices and there is always time to finish a meal. Never forget that.

It is strength to allow yourself to feel all the pain that is inside you. It is strength to realize that you are at the end of your rope. It is strength to be 150% honest with yourself. However, it is the ultimate sign of strength to do something about it.

2. You suffered from depression or mental illness.

If you have ever spoken to a friend or a professional about thoughts of suicide then you know full well that it is usually met with two questions: have you tried this (insert name of generic happy pill)? Have you been to that clinic? Though I do believe that many people who are suicidal are clinically depressed and may have an actual chemical imbalance, it does not however do anybody justice when every single person who has had thoughts of suicide gets lumped into an umbrella category of “depressed” and having mental issues.

Yes, in some ways this diagnosis can help an individual get through their struggle but in many ways they can also harm them. Such labels stigmatize the individual, take away all personal identity and defines them as belonging to some society disapproved group that further puts them in a position of being less then. If you are having a bad day and you think that you may not be able to get through the next one, it does not necessarily mean that you are depressed or that some wire in your brain is off. It can simply mean that you have perhaps taken on more than you can chew and need to release all the anxiety, frustration and feelings of failure that you have accumulated. To be sad does not mean that you are depressed. It means that you are a human being who reacts to things. It would be weird if you didn’t. 

3. You only cared about yourself.

It is normal to first feel sadness and then complete anger for the person who purposely both ended their life and caused you pain as a result of it. “He/she didn’t care about anybody but his or her own self!” plays like a broken record when someone loses somebody to the choice of suicide (and make no mistake, it is a choice) but the truth is, anybody who has ever taken their own life did care about those around them. They cared a lot. So much so that their own perceived failure in the eyes of those they both loved and respected was unbearable. They did care about you and it was their assumed unworthiness in your own eyes that they couldn’t come to terms with. Little did they know though that them just staying alive (living and breathing) was all that we wanted from them. 

4. You were anti-social and an introvert.

I don’t think it needs to be said that those we never thought would, did. I always say, don’t worry so much about the person with the most melodramatic Facebook status, worry about the person who always seems happy. People who are prone to suicide lead very private yet social lives; always worried about burdening others with their own pain and thus keep most of it to themselves. They go out a lot, they date, they mingle. They play the part of social butterflies but little do you know that lone wolf tendencies are inherently them.

Not a single person is immune to pain so severe that they think it will never leave them. Sometimes the people we should be the most worried about are the ones we often are not.

5. You wanted to die.

The biggest misconception about somebody who takes their own life is that they wanted to die. I know what you are thinking, if they didn’t want to die they wouldn’t have killed themselves. Yes, from a logical point of view death is the ultimate relief where there is no rewind button but if you have ever talked to anybody who has survived their own suicide attempt, most will tell you that they never wanted to bow out completely. They just wanted to hit the pause button, start over and undo all their mistakes. Maybe have some relief from a devastating break-up, consecutive failure and on some level, a break from their own self.

We need to let go of the stereotypes that surround both who have attempted and survived it and those who were successful. Not everyone was suffering from depression and if you ask me, I believe that if given a second chance, most wouldn't go through with it. If given a second chance... 

What a pity that we don’t live in a world where you can take a month off from work (without getting penalized) to get your head together and get your emotional and mental self back on track. What a shame that we rarely have friendships so transparent that we can bear our hearts and darkest thoughts without the slightest fear of being judged or having it repeated elsewhere. How sad that most often than not, we have partners who do not take us exactly as we are; most partners want the cheerful and uplifted version of ourselves (hair and makeup better be on point too) and grow irritated when they are given the opposite. Maybe if we did most people wouldn’t feel so alone and see solvable problems (as most are) as not.

How I Survived a Milestone Birthday and Lived to Write About It

New agers call it a solar return, teenagers call it getting old and if you are somewhere between the ages of 24 to 28, chances are you can't even talk about it without breaking into a cold sweat. Yes, the milestone birthday. Whether you are turning 25, 30 or 50, this is a step by step thought process of how I survived mine and you can too.

My most prized possessions: my journals

I took the time and reflected.

Everyone has their own preference for reflection. For me walking has always been a great tool for decluttering my mind while journaling has worked as an extraction of the other noise, worry and concern that gets left behind.  Where am I now? Where am I going? What makes me happy? Where do I not want to be in 5 years? Spend some time and physically write out whatever comes to mind in relation to these questions. Not all of them you will have the answers to but knowing yourself inside out is not the end goal or what reflection is about. Formulating a somewhat level of consciousness, however, is. Documenting your thoughts, physically releasing ideas you don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else and formulating questions is a very useful tool to remembering not only how you felt but how far you have come. The best thing though- there's virtually no wrong way to do this. Lock yourself up in a space, get a piece of paper or open up Microsoft Office and write down whatever it is that is on your mind. You'll be glad you did. I always am.

I measured success by my own standards.

How I determine whether or not I am living life “to the fullest” is by asking myself, “Did I do more, see more, form more friendships than I did the previous year?” If the answer is a resounding yes then all is well. The trick is to keep going forward, doing more than you did before and to just keep moving. Even on your most darkest days, remember, left foot, right foot. Whatever you do, do not just stand in one place.

I reevaluated my friendships.

My rule for party friends is very simple: everyone and their grumpy cat is invited. My criteria for close friends is: if you don’t make me better (and by better I mean: adding wisdom, fun and that little something unexplainable you feel when you know you met special someone), then I’m not sure why we are hanging out and having dinner together? The way I see it, time is the most precious thing in the world. It’s our non-renewable resource and once it’s gone, its gone. Invest your time, energy and patience into those who truly make you happy. Everyone else, smile, be friendly, send a friend request but know that not everyone is meant to be in your inner circle.

I stopped creeping.

Social media has changed the way we communicate but it also changed the way we perceive ourselves in relation to others. With an influx of images and words in your news feed coming at you faster than you can say “Must be nice to go on vacation 4 times a year,” social media has widened the gap between the “I have this” and “you have this” category. However, before a milestone birthday (and anytime really) its important to remember that things are not always as they appear to be. There’s no point in taking a few shots and drowning yourself in Wiser’s after seeing that the goofy kid from your elementary class just launched his third business. There’s no use in feeling less than because certain people are in different (see: seemingly better) phases of their life than you are. Let others perceived success be your driving force, not the reason you say, “I’ll never get to that level, why even bother?” Enter this new decade with admiration for others but also with all the belief in your own self and your capabilities.

I got out of my comfort zone and took on new projects.

We are endlessly referring to this so called comfort zone but what exactly is this place that has gotten such a bad rep? Wikipedia defines the comfort zone as a, “behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.” I however have a different definition for it. If you are feeling zero fear and anxiety (be in a job, a relationship, etc) then you sir/madam, are in the comfort zone. Your life should be filled with butterflies, end of story. I want to enter this new decade feeling both fear and excitement but having the latter trump the former.Who's with me?

There are also a few projects that I always wanted to do but didn’t. Why? Because they seemed too out there and that’s why now, this new decade, is the perfect time to see them through. Soft cushy corners, a bed you know so well and cabinets that house all your favorites be damned, life is too short to live in the proverbial comfort zone. Throw yourself into a new room, close the door and don’t come out till you are comfortable with new furniture and ultimately a stronger version of you.

I planned something exciting for my birthday.

If you are a really busy person then you appreciate whatever down time you have. If your day is filled with to-do lists and things that absolutely need to get done then your mind seldom wanders and that is exactly why I did not spend any considerable time leading up to my birthday feeling anything but excitement. I was too busy to be worried or to feel sorry for myself because I had to plan a birthday concert for me and my friends. Where will we rent the PA system for the bands? Will Ammo make a guest appearance? What do grown adults want to get in a loot bag? These are the questions that ran through my head leading up to the big day, not fear and anxiety.  

Birthday at the Izakaya House; June 2014

 

Birthday Invite

The way I see it, if you have something amazing to look forward to then your birthday does not mark you turning some kind of society disapproved number but rather involves celebrations, cake and your nearest and dearest. Trust me, planning a birthday concert, picnic and anything else which involves celebrations will keep your mind off any negative. It will also make you focus more on the exciting upcoming new phase in your life and most importantly all the festivities that will involve that big day. May you have a blast. I did.

I got rid of things I no longer needed or that which held no value in my present.

Remember that part about re-evaluating your friendships and letting go of those that no longer add to your life? Well, it also applies to tangible goods you are holding on to. You don’t want to take off into this new exciting decade with bags of junk from your past, do you? I didn’t. I wanted to start my new decade feeling light and not being weighed down with things that I probably don’t even need. Besides, everything you really need is within you; all that extra stuff is just stuff.

A former high school dropout gets her Honours B.A.;York University

I focused on what I already achieved.

When thinking about all we have not yet done we sometimes forget to give ourselves a big pat on the back for all that we already have done. Make no mistake kiddo, it was you who woke up early to go to your 8:30 am (insert name of class or tutorial you dreaded the most in college or university); it was you who calmed yourself down and took the responsible route when you wanted to clock out or to tell your boss to take a hike; it was you who flyered up Queen West for your first gig at the Bovine; it was you who has spent, energy and maybe even a few tears to get yourself to where you are now. So be proud of yourself and all that you have done already.

I became grateful for who and what I had. 

If you are reading this somewhere warm and on your personal computer or smartphone then chances are, you are a lot better off than other people in the world. The truth is, the sun is still shining and whatever you went through you survived. How do I know you survived? Well, you are still here; living, breathing and getting up in the morning. Be grateful that you are. I am.

I stopped being afraid of failure and realized that there really is no time like the present.

There’s a quote I heard once that really resonated with me: “hesitation will kill more dreams than failure ever will.” Have a big dream that you think is too out there? Go for it anyways! Afraid to approach your crush? Send them a Facebook message inviting them to go somewhere. Want to launch a new business but think you are not mentally or financially prepared? Guess what, you may never be! In other words if you are waiting to do something when you are 100% mentally, emotionally and financially ready to, then I hate to break it to you but that day may never come. If you regularly put things on the back burner, I have a feeling I will meet you five years from now and you will say the exact same thing, “I just need one more year.” Don’t be that person. Realize that there is no such thing as 100% ready for anything. This should be a comforting thought though, not a scary one because ultimately it means that even though you feel hesitant and not up to par, you should still go forward.

I allowed myself to feel all the worry, anxiety and fear I was feeling.

If you know me personally then you know that I’m a big advocate for allowing oneself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Want to get angry, get angry. Want to be so excited that most people think you are on something? Jump off the walls, ol’ girl! Whatever you do, don’t keep it all inside. Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling but remember that nothing gets accomplishment if you are continually in a space of frustration or even worse, regularly beating yourself up. If anything, doing that will leave you so proverbially tattered and bruised that you may not have any energy leftover to actually do anything to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and self loathing. Remember, you are always allowed to feel whatever it is you are feeling but make sure there's a purpose to it.


I stopped being hard on myself and realized that I did the best I could.

I've always felt that having high expectations (mostly for myself) was my achilles' heel. Admirable in that mediocre results never cut it (moi, average?) but in many ways it is that same drive for amazing that has caused me disappointment. When I say I stopped being hard on myself I mean that I gave myself a break. Not to say that I gave myself a hall pass to stop being productive but rather I started thinking of how to go about getting the things I really want.  Dwelling does nothing but set your focus backwards.

The truth is, we’ve all been through difficult times that we may still be healing from. You are only human and chances are you did the best you could for that time with what you had.

All in all, it may not be easy welcoming a milestone birthday but the trick is to pick yourself up from the pool of, shoulda, coulda, woulda and enter this new decade on a foundation of: I should, I could and I will. Imagine your ideas, dreams and aspirations as a flower. As long as you are listening to them and seeing them blossom versus forgetting to water them altogether then you are doing alright.  This is a new ride for you, so take your “Ugh” and turn it into “Hell yeah! Lets do dis”  and you will.

Remember, the best is yet to come. Actually, scratch that, the best is right now. May we all have many more milestone bdays to celebrate!