The Shards of Being the Overly Expressive Girl

“Better to be slapped with the truth than be kissed by a lie.”

“An entirely open soul is just as inappropriate as an open fly.”

I once heard two contradicting Russian proverbs and liked both equally. The first one states that in life it is better to be taken back and be in a temporary state of shell shock by news that is nonetheless honest than be told things that remind you of a sweet, spring kiss that you find out later never truly existed; when you open your eyes you see that the moment was all in your head; the kiss, the feeling, simply never was.

The second quote draws attention to being discreet and using self-restraint when wanting to orchestrate a proverbial parade titled, “This is how I really feel.” It urges you not to. Don’t be fully honest and express exactly how you feel. Rather, keep them guessing, leave things up to their imagination. Do not divulge everything.

Yes, it is these two quotes that float through my head when I am in situation where I want to be the U.S., the person(s) facing me the people of Vietnam and I want to drop truth bombs like its 1968. In other words, when I have an abundant need to express exactly how I feel; expected gasps, possible tears, hurt feelings and all. I wish I could say I usually prescribe to the latter quote but that would be a lie because the truth is, I have a somewhat abnormal need to tell people exactly what I think and feel at all costs (gasps, possible tears and hurt feelings be damned). Before you start applauding and praising me for being the small percentage of people who lets it all come out, let me stop you and tell you that this is not particularly a character gift; still not sure if it’s something I was born with or developed throughout the years. My need to be overly expressive has burned more bridges than it has built, has caused more break-ups than hook-ups and have made me hear, “Whoa man, this is unexpected”, more times than I can count. Sometimes I feel like I am a truth fountain, realness pouring out of me but nobody is thirsty that day. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I am the overly expressive girl. Ready to dish it out and take it anytime of the day, morning or night, library or house party, tired or on a full night’s rest, dontcha worry, I just paused to catch my breath, there is always a comeback coming your way. Yup, I’m ready to tell it exactly how I think it is, whenever the urge arises.

As much as I think my longing to say what’s on my mind and in my heart is a refreshing change to the tight-lipped, smile in your face but wish you the worst when you leave percentage of people that dominate this planet, I have always been made to feel that this trait is a hindrance, a personality flaw if you feel. My own personal lethal weapon of mass destruction that has ravaged neighbourhoods and created truth floods of destruction. A chip in the motherboard that needs to be reprogrammed STAT. “For the love of God, remove the overly expressive chip and replace it with something more user friendly”, I could just hear some people say. 

The way I see it, a “truth sit-down”, as I like to call it, can be like one of those magic carpet rides. Yes, at times nauseating, unpredictable, will probably have you regretting you agreed to this once it starts up and even plain scary if you are a first time rider but at the end, like every horrifying roller coaster I dreaded going on as a child at Canada’s Wonderland, after its done chances are you will be relieved you had the guts to go through with it.

Why am I like this you ask? Why do I have a need to tell people how I feel and “hash things out” till I and they have nothing more to say? Do I think something physically horrible will happen if I keep things inside (there's actually a good amount of research that shows that there is a direct correlation between people who don't express themselves and weak immune systems but that's another post altogether)? Yes. Do I have too much time on my hands? Sometimes. Do I fear having friendships and relationships that are saturated in so much self-resentment from years of both people not expressing how they feel that they now have almost zero chance of ever surviving and ultimately will be categorized as just people I see and party with occasionally (the lack of honesty has turned it superficial)? You betcha. That’s really why I have such an abundant need to self-express, because I have seen too many friendships and relationships end because both people weren’t honest enough and eventually it got to the point where sweeping things under the rug became such a normal response to disregarding tension that when it finally became unbearable to walk on and the rug was lifted, the garbage underneath was just too much and both people walked away altogether. From years of not expressing how you felt there was just too much filth and dirt underneath to ever restore the rug. If you think the moral of the story is to buy a rug big enough to store (see: hide) all your crap, it's not. Rather, what distinguishes genuine friendships, friendships that have metaphorical rugs that are stained and are looking a bit tattered from years of wear and tear but nevertheless have nothing underneath them, from the type of friendships that look picture perfect from the outside but underneath have piles and piles of unresolved shit, is the amount of honesty and transparency that exists between two people.

And so I ask you, who should I continue to be? The overly expressive girl who can’t fathom having anything swept under the rug or do I join the large and increasing by the minute percentage of people who smile, nod, never lose their temper, always save face but very seldom express how they really feel. Maybe its not a myth, maybe some people are just that easy going. Or maybe they just don’t care anymore about anything or anybody. Or maybe they think life is too short to "hash things out" and perhaps they are right but isn't it also too short to hold things in?

And so lies my final question, why do we advocate for truth when deep inside we only want to be presented with our version of the truth? All those parents who wonder why teenagers lie about being sexually active, well, maybe if an admission of such didn’t follow a lecture and punishment, then the need to lie would also be avoided. Maybe if partners in a romantic relationship felt heard (and accepted) by each other there wouldn’t be such a need to hide fetish porn. Maybe then we would not live in a society where so much garbage has been stashed under the rug that we can no longer walk straight. Of course lifting up the carpet and going through the trash actually takes work, time and a really, really big garbage bag but so what? What’s a little manual labour if it means being able to walk straight or look people in the eye and know that you said things you’ve wanted to for a very long time. Besides, why should we tailor (see: compromise and curb) ourselves and our need to express to fit the comfort levels of others? You are respecting their need to not want to listen but are they respecting your need to express?

The irony of being somebody who is overly expressive is that though you are told that you need to change, the same people will still say that they prefer the honest and unfiltered truth over lies. It’s fitting though because who in their right mind would actually admit that they do not want the truth? In my experience however, people only want the truth if it fits their own particular comfort level. In other words, if it’s in line with their preconceived notions of the self, the world and the person bringing them this so-called truth. If it fits their version of the “truth”. If its not, well then I have full right to disregard everything you have said, label it as false/lies and jump back on the dismissive train. And while I’m at it I’m also going label you as confrontational and disregard your metaphor for the clean rug as new-age gibberish. That way, my ego remains intact, I don’t need to deal with anything and all is well in my world. Ah, what a life...

Even though that last line was sarcasm, I still sometimes think it would so much easier (emotionally, time wise, etc.) if I would just wake up tomorrow and started going through life brushing everything aside, disregarding the little voice in my that says, “Hey, this is not cool, say something so this doesn’t happen again” and pretending there is no metaphorical rug altogether. Fortunately (or unfortunately) though, I know better. People do need to be called out when they (repeatedly) screw up, individuals need to express how they see their side of the story and compare it to others and get resolution, and we need to stop living in a society where the need to express is labelled as confrontational. Lets stop walking on wobbly rugs and pretending the surface is flat when you know deep inside it’s not.

Or maybe the secret is really giving people self-expression in increments. Perhaps there is a reason that even die-hard steak lovers prefer a 10 ounce versus a 22 ounce portion. Maybe I need to change my self-proclamation from the “overly expressive girl” to the “overly(ish)" or "somewhat expressive girl”? Or maybe I should just stay the way I am and only welcome people who appreciate my need for “nothing swept under the rug” analogies, friendships and relationships.