The Art of Breaking-up With Someone Not Like an Asshole

Whether you are on the one cultivating the break-up or the poor sap on the receiving end of a cold dish they didn’t order called, “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” ("No sir, you can't send it back and order something else), I hate to point out the obvious but break-ups are not fun (like 8 hours of listening to the Crash Test Dummies not fun). First, there’s the possibility that this person you once called every night to say goodnight may not want to continue to just be your friend and will leave your life permanently. You’ll call them on their birthday, hoping that enough time has passed by and you two can at least be friendly but they won’t want to talk to you because to them you are still the same person who wanted to no longer sleep with them. Will you ever find another person who got every single Seinfeld reference you ever made? Maybe not but if you are going to break-up anyways here’s how to do it gracefully and kindly.

1. Don’t do anything that resembles cheating before you officially go your separate ways and a conversation had taken place.

The truth is, most people start emotionally detaching themselves from a relationship they are no longer happy in long before the break-up talk is had. As harmless and justified as online flirting (aka non physical cheating) seems while you are with someone you do not wish to be with anymore, it is not harmless nor is it a cool thing to do to your soon to be ex. For your own karma and sense of integrity, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you while still together, no matter how unhappy you are. It’s easy to seek the fun and ease you once had with your partner in the beginning but look for that after you officially break-up and go your separate ways. Pursue and/or be pursued when the other person knows that you two are officially done. It’s easier that way for everyone involved and if you really want to show that you are a person of quality, do not have someone lined up right after. Show yourself that you can be single and can mourn the end of a relationship in a way that is respectful to your ex, even if it you who is doing the breaking up. You just said goodbye to someone you spent 8 months with and though you know its the best decision long term, it will hurt and so let it hurt. Feel the pain, remember the good times and take some time to truly understand who you are and what you need.

2. Writing your thoughts out in an email or text is fine as a prelude but some face-to-face interaction should come as well.

We invite each other to our birthdays via Facebook, we express affection through emoticons we put in text and so why cant one start the break-up conversation via text or email as well? Now before you label every person who sent a break-up text as cold-hearted and/or cowardly, try to understand where they are coming from. Writing everything concisely and accurately in email or text allows one to express themselves clearly and firmly. You also give the other person a private moment to collect their thoughts, maybe shed a few tears and curse your name in vain without you being there (for both of your sake). After the email or text, you should see each other (granted they want to see you) and have an honest face-to-face conversation with the person already prepared and knowing your intentions.

Too many times I have heard people derail a break-up conversation because the other person got too emotional or somehow manipulated them to stay. With written words it is easier to convey and stay firm in what you are expressing. The truth is, you want out and chances are they probably already know it.

3. Make sure the first person you tell that the break-up is on the horizon is the actual person you want to break up with. 

It’s good to have friends that you are open with but I have always found it astounding how people talk more about their relationship problems with others than they do with their own partners. Do not tell your group of friends (or worse, mutual friends) that you two are headed for the end. Yes, its tempting to want to seek sympathy and get other people's opinion but give your ex and the relationship the privacy it deserves. Nothing is worse than seeing a mutual friend and them revealing all the problems you had with your ex they never revealed to you. The only people who should be involved in a break-up conversation are the two people who shared a bed together. Everybody else becomes this uninvited third wheel that makes everything awkward.Ever had a third person lay in your bed, believe me, its awkward.

4. Be gentle, patient and if your own strength allows, even a bit selfless.

I view break-ups in a very “what is meant for me is solely for me and will come for me” laissez-faire, new-age kinda way (you just rolled your eyes, I know). Simply put, I have the ability and emotional growth to still stay friends or at the very least be friendly with an ex (even if the poor bastard dumped me) but others may not and you need to accept that. Be kind when they throw something viscous your way and try to understand that their anger is just undealt pain and rejection. Be patient and know that they may not want to talk to you in a few days or in some cases a few decades. Be selfless in that you may need to curb the urge to reach out to them when you miss them because not talking to you is the best thing for them right now. Having someone you cared about leave you hurts. Respect and sympathize that their own growth, stability and mental health means that you two may never hang out again, no matter how well your intentions are.

5. Walk away with no regrets.

I’m not sure about all of you but I have never rejected someone I didn’t want back again at some point in time but I refuse to focus on the seemingly missed opportunity and instead choose to focus on the fact that something made me turn a corner in my relationship. Something made me doubt this person’s ability to love me and treat me the way I feel I needed to be. Something made me imagine my life without them and images of my life with them brought me worry. Something made me think that this wasn’t it for me and thus I let go. Trust your own instincts, silly premonitions (they aren't so silly after all, are they?) and believe that you know who can make you happy and who cannot.

If you are the one being broken up with, I feel for you. If you are the one doing the breaking up, I feel for you as well. We all deserve to be happy with someone who brings out the best in us. Break up with someone and take breaking up in a way that shows that you have integrity. Allow yourself to feel the pain but remember that the definition of real love is when you wish happiness for that person even if you are not part of the equation. Anything less than that just makes you an asshole, bro.

To Forgive and Forget in a Pain-Filled World(?)

There are a few things you can always count on when it comes to me: blogs no less than 1,000 words, my endless defense of the idea that Chinese Democracy was the best album of 2008 (I said quiet, haters!) and a heart that doesn’t bounce back as easily as I would like from pain that others have brought my way. You didn’t know the Karinmister is a very sensitive Cancer that is all mush inside and all hard shell outside? You do now. So much so that reliving through dialogue a fallout with an ex-best friend when I was 16 actually stung a bit. Confident and resilient me was transformed back to 2000 and it became clear that the pain associated with being betrayed was still real in 2015. “My god” I thought “I’ve never truly gotten over anything” and thus I ask: do we ever? Do we ever fully move on from anything traumatic that came our way? Do we ever look at the person who didn’t extend the slightest crumb of the compassion cookie the same way as we did as when we feasted with them on steak and martinis at N’awlins? Simply put, is there truly such a thing as forgive and forget?

Let’s break down the notion of forgive and forget shall we. The mantra urges us to act as a holy entity of sorts that can be misused, disregarded, thrown away, betrayed, called every name in the book and yet all will be forgotten the minute that person realizes they sinned. We will extend our arms and welcome them back into our lives because they apologized and a good person accepts an apology. Right? In theory, it’s a great mantra because it means that there is no such thing as burning bridges but rather only redemption filled lanes that oversee gardens filled with white lilies. I ask though- how practical is that because if a snake bites are you not forever hesitant of petting it again, no matter how much it claims to have changed? The forgive and forget mantra however urges you to pet the snake even though it bit you and left you bloody and bruised. And if you don’t you will be called an unforgiving snake hater whose heart does not know how to forgive and play nice with snakes. Yes, you will be the one in the wrong because you refused to pet the snake that almost bit your hand off. "Shame on you, unforgiving snake hater" some people will yell to you as you walk along Queen West. You don’t want to be that person, do you? Neither do I but I will admit it, I find it hard to pet a snake after it has bit me. Yes, that is the premise of forgive and forget. To pet a snake after is has bit you.

The reality however is that sometimes a certain snake bite is so hard that we spend years trying to heal from it or pretend the bite mark is not there altogether. Chances are you tended to your bruise by yourself and did the best you could to still live in the zoo and pretend you weren’t weary of every passing snake you saw. You might have even spent a night or two weeping while asking yourself, “Why did it hurt me, I never meant it harm” while clutching your bleeding hand/heart. Then, lo and behold, the snake that bit you reaches out and expresses some sort of regret for the bite. Though you want to move on and go back to playing nice with the snake (Lord knows you two used to have a lot of snake fun together), you look down at your bruise and you are reminded that this snake has bitten you. Your thoughts run back to that time you even cried yourself to sleep, clutching your arm and thinking, “I didn’t deserve this.” Most snake bites aren’t deserved though.

When face to face with the sorry snake that sunk its teeth into you, you think how great it would be to go back and play nice with the snake. To cover up the bruise you think of how you could wear a long sleeve shirt, add a little more ointment to your regular regime and you two can go back to the way it was. The reality most times however is that though you double up on the ointment, try to make sense of what happened and ultimately try to forget the bite mark was ever there, it is there. So I ask you- how do you pretend a bruise is not there when it is? That’s what forgive and forget means to me- to pretend a bruise is not there. To be around somebody who bite you and to not acknowledge that they did. To wear a long sleeve shirt, hiding my bite mark and telling people I’m cold when I'm boiling inside.

The truth is- I am hard on those wronged me because I’m afraid of getting in the habit of always forgiving and eventually becoming immune to snake venom. An interesting thing occurs when you start allowing people to hurt you and then walk back into your life as though nothing as happened- you start accepting that that is the way it is; despicable behaviour becomes this normalized thing that you are supposed to forgive the moment that person realizes they were wrong. 

Another interesting thing that occurs when one starts settling for less, it starts accepting it deserves less. But above all, forgiving every bite that ever comes your way makes you think that it is normal to be bitten. Personally, I’m afraid not holding snakes accountable for their bites and becoming this person who parades through life, singing to the tune of forgive and forget while wearing long sleeves and all while saying, “I’m okay, I forgave you” when the truth is, I didn't and I'm not okay (not even close).

And yet I am the first to say that forgiveness is first and foremost for the person who has been hurt. For that past pain becomes this unpleasant and present burden that they continue to walk around with while everyone else (who coincidentally did not get as hurt) has moved on. There was a theory I heard once and that is that if you are truly honest with yourself then you know that you will never get over any trauma fully and wholeheartedly. Now before you say, “That’s the most pessimistic thing I have ever heard in my entire life” listen to what it says. That everything that has hurt you is in some way a part of you. Every person who has ever hurt you has changed you and so every piece of trauma is engrained in you. To escape it, to forget that hurt is to not know yourself. To forgive and forget is to not be aware of everything that you have ever felt and consequently, lived through. To ask me to forgive and forget is to ask me to forget who I am and the things that have made up my character.

I think another reason I find it hard to forgive and forget is because many times others do things I would never. I know it is brutally unfair to expect everyone to act like I would but believe me, if you know me personally then you know that going out of my way to hurt another human being is not something I would do. Make no mistake though when pushed, I will say, “Ouch, that hurt, don’t push” and when insulted I will utter, “Don’t be a rude bitch” but to throw the first blow is something that I seldom have done. And even when I somewhat retaliate because I have been struck first (I am only human, people) I still feel bad. For example, the other day I told an ex-friend that my boyfriend would bash his face in if he continued to talk shit (isn't it the most unbecoming thing when a guy becomes a gossip queen?) Though many said the threat of a face bashing was justified for the things I was called, it didn’t take away from the fact that I felt bad when made that threat. I still feel bad. For every person I have ever hurt as retaliation for being hurt I feel bad. And so I sometimes wonder: is it a gift or a curse that my heart hurts for those I have hurt? Is it a gift or a curse to be the one always trying to be my higher self and turn the other cheek even when I shouldn’t? Is it a gift or a curse to be mistreated and to not want to hurt them the same way they hurt me? I’m not sure anymore. I just know that when I hurt another human being as a retaliation for being hurt, I feel as if I am hurting my own self. But what is even more hurtful is that very few people feel the same guilt for the times they are the one dishing it out?

If you live by the idea that all anger is pain then you might understand why I have turned the other cheek more times than I should have. To anyone who has hurt me I have looked at and said “This is all pain, I will not retaliate” but I wonder if me not retaliating has brought me more resentment towards them than it would have had I retaliated and carried out even a smidge of what they dished out my way. Simply put, if you are someone in my life who had wronged me, came back and realized real fast that this is not an open arms welcome, please know one thing, I am not hate-filled nor do walk around being burdened by the pain you caused me. Rather, I am still shocked that you were able to hurt me in a way I would never hurt you. I am still shocked that you were able to disregard my feelings when I know I would never have the heart to disregard yours. I am still shocked that you were able to hit ignore every time I called to try to salvage things because I would never hit ignore on you.

Or maybe my desire to never want to get too close to the snake that bit me comes from the idea that if I get too close I will want to start petting like old times (because I truly petting) but the idea of being bit again makes the bruise that has just healed open up again. I don’t have enough ointment for tend to another bruise so step away, snake.

What I hope you take away from this piece, my dear readers, is that when you want to cause pain, when you want to use every foul name you could think of and no matter how justified you think you are (“But they did this to me, but they said this about me” I hear you say)- just don’t. Do not be the person that hurt others. Do not be the person that makes somebody else’s life a little darker. Do not be the person who has to make others wear long sleeves, no matter how justified you think you are. Not because we are all just trying to get through this crazy ride called life in one piece. Not because we are so fragile and precious but hide under very hard exteriors but because one day you may be that snake who longs to be pet by that former snake lover who pet you like nobody else could but you can’t now because you bit them too hard.

My Partner, My iPhone and the Generation of Entitled Singles

I’ve always believed that if you are someone of quality and possess that little thing called integrity, then you will seldom find yourself single for long intervals of time. Simply put, if you are a catch there will be people in baseball mitts at the usual places and even the unsuspecting spaces where singles frequent waiting for the coach to call them over. And yet a large percentage of good folks I know remain single. Is it possible that I am wrong and that the catches are walking around the city while everyone is glued to the golf game complaining that there's nobody around? Possibly. All I know is that the majority of my friends are good people. They have jobs, they are artsy in a non-pretentious way, they are genuinely nice and yet their Facebook status continues to read, “Single.” There is nothing wrong with being single (if that is what you want) but this post is primarily for the singles that want to add “In a relationship” to their current status.

When I myself recall back to being single, I remember being torn between looking for somebody who had everything I wanted and somebody who I just liked to spend my time with (sometimes they are not the same person). I would meet somebody I liked, realize that he didn’t possess the plethora of things on my wish list, end it, move on, end up on a bad date months later and ultimately long for the connection and ease I threw away so carelessly. "Why didn't I just focus on the fact that I liked him. What did anything else have to matter?" I often would ask myself as I tried to unsuccessfully reestablish that connection that I let go (FYI most guys have a hard ever forgetting that they were not your first choice to begin with, no matter how much you express differently). Yes, after every date that lacked those infamous butterflies and ended up with me chatting on Facebook with a girlfriend, I would often ask myself: am I an entitled single? Meaning, am I so dead set on meeting somebody who looks like X and sounds like Y that I am passing by a lot of potentially good guys who I could be happy with? Should I go on Date 2 with Indie Guy even though Date 1 was a bit bland? Should I not look too closely at the fact that it was Guy X who invited me to the date and didn't flinch when the bill came?

When I hear the same people complaining about why they are single I am both surprised and am not. Surprised that in the vast and mystical world of the internet, they can not find one person they can consider being with but at the same time, lets be frank, how can one focus with so many different choices online? As somebody who has never been much for meeting someone online (you just gasped, I know), what I do remember from my limited time on online dating websites is an extensive search engine that would spit out various potential partners based on your checked off points of preference. Thought Dan’s hair was a bit too long for your taste? No worries, Steve here has the blue eyes and the short hair that you have always wanted to reproduce with. 

That damn dating search engine is a gift for our modern single in that it works as a ready to go assistant that scouts out various guys who are your type while you browse within the comfort of having your unkempt bun and wearing that gravy stained shirt you've worn all day. However, it is not without its drawback as that exact assistant (built to find your ideal match - 6’1, green eyes, brown hair) also limits all the connections that you might have had with a 5’6 dirty blond that didn’t fit the criteria. Besides, do any of us ever truly know exactly how we want our future partners to look like? Remember that scene in the Terminator where Schwarzeneggar kills a bunch of wrong Sarah Connor cause it was programmed to kill Sarah Connor. Well, that's how I view the online dating search engine. Tailored to bring you exactly what you asked for but disregarding all the other people who you might have connected with. And so much like the Terminator the search engine kills off potential romantic matches that didn't fit your prescribed criteria. 

On that note, when we long for that connection, don't we long for the feeling that person will give us? That’s why I have refrained from online dating for the most part. The interpersonal connection that two people have or do not have cannot be interpreted with a search engine or even messages or chat rooms. Besides, haven’t you ever met anybody who was so charismatic and confident that you looked beyond that they were kinda basic looking? That charm gets lost in online dating and that guy or girl who could have been the table that closed the restaurant with you just got passed up.

With so many choices online you would think that two people who are looking to not stay single would be somewhat compatible but it is the opposite. With so many choices the human dimension associated with dating gets lost. Finding somebody you like becomes this complicated process that involves left and right swipes, going to the next page and looking for somebody who you find more attractive and all while remaining single and entitled. Entitled to receive exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Nevermind that the person who didn’t fit the whole physical criteria might have had more in common with you than the 6’3 hottie. So why are you searching solely for that 6’3 hottie and complaining about being single? Why be surprised that you are single if you view dating much like a boss goes through interviews (“Nope.” “Not a good fit.” “Dream on.”) Except you are not looking for a job, you are looking for that special connection with another human being. I am writing this piece not to urge current singles to throw away the wish list but to rather focus on the people you are meeting and to truly see the person that is awkwardly sitting across from you at the table.Or at the very least be open to the person who does not fit your ideal physical type.

People are not black and white dichotomies that can be understood or even figured out within a few encounters. Rather, human beings are like complex paintings that vary depending on which angle you are viewing them from. If you are looking at a person from only one angle and not liking them in a romantic sense then perhaps you should view them from a different angle altogether. Maybe you are single because you are looking at the paintings as one big whole versus seeing that each one is different; each one was (though similar) has an entirely different story to tell.

Though I continue to lurk the streets with an ancient phone that was known as the Motorola Razr (still working the same as the day I got it on a cold winter night in 07') I am not anti-technology. If anything I find it amazing that my aunt in Russia can ask me why I am not married on the phone and while skyping with me online. But what if our seemingly progressive, Sparksnotes, overwhelming availability in technology, clothing, fast food and what to do on a Friday night has bred a generation of overly entitled beings; fixated on receiving what they want, whenever they want; never happy with the now and are ready to upgrade at a moments notice. We are the society of the privileged who have transferred the fast food “I want what I want, when I want it” mentality to when we are choosing partners.

The same can be said with the frequency we upgrade our electronic carry on bibles also known as our cellphones. Have we also transferred the bigger, better, faster phone upgrade system to human beings? Do you shut someone down at the first moment of them running low on battery? Are you walking around with an iPhone 6 Plus (which you lined up all night to get by the way) but are now dreaming of the iPhone 7? 

If you accept the belief that every single person comes with their own luggage of unpleasantries and has a laundry list of shit they need to work on then you just might find somebody. If you accept the idea that you may just be happier with Motorola Razr then you may find somebody. If you continue to be the person looking for a very specific type then you are not allowing your own dating life to flow; for her or him to come to you naturally. When you accept the idea that your strongest connection may come with somebody who you least suspected, everything might then change. If you are looking for somebody who will never be needy, jealous, is always in a good mood and looks exactly the way they do in their Instagram, then you might just be alone forever. You and your iPhone going through Tinder while a real human being is eyeing you from across the bar. 

The truth is every girl and guy is kinda a hassle, will irritate you and make you second guess whether you should be with them. The beauty however is finding somebody you have a connection with in spite of that. Human beings are not like your phones- they are not always available, sometimes they are slow (even when fully charged) and sometimes they are not shiny and new (much like your phone on the first day you took it out of the box) but rather have markings of wear and tear. Some are even cracked from previous misuse. If you are chasing perfection and feeling entitled to it or worse are always have your settings set on upgrade then you might not allow yourself from ever having anything real and something that exists outside of the screen.

Is the truest love and the most sincere friendship when you are young? The seemingly misfortune of growing up and the shaming of the emotional.

One of the oddest things I had felt in a long time was sitting in the same proximity as someone I used to share meals with, share laughs with and at one time, shared my heart with and not say more than one word. A friendly hello and not utter anything more for the reminder of the train ride from Davisville to Lawrence. Awkward glances in the midst of the both of us looking busy (her on her phone, me going over my daily planner) but nothing more. Not a single word or glance after the initial hello. My pride does not want me to admit this but since we are all friends here I will: I came home that night and I cried. I cried because there I sat on a crowded train four feet away (it felt like miles) from someone I once talked about moving to Vancouver with and now we were strangers. I cried because I thought of all the people in my life I had known, shared my life with and drifted apart from. I cried because it became abundantly clear, now more than ever, that I would never be okay with saying goodbye to people but above all, I cried because in that moment I felt like I would forever be the person feeling the most, over-thinking the most and ultimately, hurting the most.

Did my former friend come home and think of me and get sad as well? Did our awkward run-in spark her own blog post? I doubt it. If you are a regular reader then you know that I have a hard time saying goodbye to people. Not because I can’t but because I never truly want to. The way I have always seen it, once someone is in your hurt, aren’t they always? Once you care about someone, don’t you always? Once someone touches your heart, then shouldn’t they always? Is that too idealistic? Does that not hold people accountable for their misuse of you? Maybe but to me real friendship, real love is ongoing; for better or for worse, through the thick and thickest. Isn’t that the real definition of loyalty? To not give up on a person even when you want to, even when you should?

Of course there are certain situations that require you to walk away from somebody for your emotional or physical safety but the kind of world where two former good girlfriends can sit in a public place, a few feet away from each other, and not engage in conversation is not the kind of world I want to live in. Above all, it’s not the kind of world I think I can live in. How can someone like me live in a poker face encouraged society when I am the embodiment of heart on my sleeve?

Though I sat on that train looking busy I did want to engage in conversation. I did want to give her a hug and ask her what was new in her life. I did want to ask how we got to this place to begin with. How did we go from two girlfriends out on the town on College St. to strangers on a train? How did we go from nibbling and sharing from each other's pasta dishes to this? Neither of us approached the other so maybe I am not such a bad poker player after all. We just sat there, quietly, silently; politely minding our own business.

On that note, one of the biggest contrasts I have witnessed as I get older is the way people deal with drifting apart and fall outs. Admit it, when you were younger fights were more viscous but that is because you loved deeper and cared more. To be close friends when you were young meant you went to bat for each other any chance you got. Quietly drifting apart or being passive aggressive seldom happened. As you got older, one’s tactics for letting go or de-friending became less aggressive; quieter but also harsher.  I couldn’t imagine being a teenager, seeing a former friend on the train and the both of us acting like we were strangers. There would be no poker faces, only hurt hearts and possible tears.

I’m not sure if this is regression or spiritual evolution of the human self to be more diplomatic and less emotional. Maybe a little of both but the way I have always seen it, the most emotional person is the most honest person. What has happened that we have all become less emotional and thus less honest? I wasn’t emotionally open on that train ride and thus I wasn’t honest. I wasn’t honest with her or myself because the truth is I did want to reach out and reconnect but the overwhelming demand from the world to be less emotionally transparent stopped me. That little thing called pride was also a factor. “She wants to talk to me, let her approach me” I thought to myself.

On that note, why do we usually back off or suggest somebody to “relax, calm down” or shut them down on the spot when they are about to erupt with emotion? Is it because we keep our own emotions bottled up? Are our own emotions  so beneath the surface, drowning gasping for air, suffocated by the world or not appreciated altogether, that we cant deal with others (however explosive they might be)?

Ask anybody who is a former recovering overly emotional or expressive person and they will tell you of all the times they were told they were too much emotion, not often diplomacy, too often heart, rarely logic. Perhaps you hear that enough and you withdraw altogether. That faucet you had that leaked raw emotion got torn out. In its place a superficial closet to store shiny things was built.

What has happened to the children and young adults who spoke so freely and honestly? Have they been punished for being too verbal and grew up to be guarded and non-expressive adults? When you think of the kind of head games and demands that people put on relationships and friendships, I often wonder where the purity and innocence of their former selves has left them? Is the inexperienced heart and the young love the purest one there is? Is the crying adult in the corner of the bar (as off-putting as it is) the realest one of them all? Is the person who expresses themselves as sincerely as possible and reaches out first (even when they shouldn’t) the most evolved out of all of us? 

Maybe that is the reason there are so many single and disconnected adults in the world. Perhaps they keep comparing every romantic potential they had to the one they had when they were young? Comparing mundane dates discussing work to the sweaty palms and heart raising lunches at McDonalds.  Maybe it’s rare to see two girlfriends who have been by each other’s side for over 10 years because as adults we stop striving for friendships and relationships that are thoroughly transparent. Those where we feel we can express ourselves to the fullest; however raw. 

Or maybe that is just a part of growing up and becoming a full- fledged adult and I need to accept that once and for all. That being thoroughly honest with your emotions is not appreciated nor is it welcomed. That’s what the world has shown me and thus I sat on that train looking busy, going through my planner, not being my emotional and honest self.

The Inclusion of Loneliness and the Importance of Kindness

I’ve met a lot of people in my life. All were different. Some, like me grew up in the suburbs of North York while others had never ventured out of the safe haven that is Scarborough. Some had energies that I gravitated towards instantly and felt at home with by the first drink we had together. Others I met, tried to forge friendships with but instead both of us started resembling two stubborn children trying to put together a puzzle piece in a picture that it wasn’t meant to fit in. We just couldn’t and thus went our separate ways, usually politely and gracefully. When we didn’t it was often because the puzzle piece at one point fit perfectly but eventually the picture still came undone. Shattered puzzle pieces around us, leaving politely and gracefully was no longer an option. Without getting sidetracked, yes, I’ve met a lot of people in my life and they all had one thing in common: they all spoke of being lonely and felt a sense of isolation from those around them. If only I had a beer ticket for every person I heard say the words, "I don't think I was born in the right time. I just don't feel right in the current world." 

Some were the obvious choices; the ones I saw at concerts usually by themselves (bobbing their heads thoughtfully and carefully as to not look bored but we both knew they were); those that scratched their heads when they were encouraged to actually approach the girl they creeped online and the ones who talked openly and honestly about feeling out of place. They knew they weren’t really a part of the social world but were merely observers looking in; surrounded by a very busy world they felt had forgot them altogether.They didn't view themselves as participants, merely observers looking in (bobbing heads and all).

Then there were the ones who were not as transparent; social creatures you saw out and about doing what they did best.  Like a pack of pretty pigeons they mingled on Queen West, took selfies everywhere and anywhere and did an online check-in before they were handed out menus. Creep their Facebook on any given Sunday and you will pics galore of them club hopping on Friday and various plates they tried at restos on Saturday. They were the people you hit unfollow to because their party pictures made you feel like going out when you knew you couldn’t. They were the ones responsible for the increasing epidemic categorized as deactivating your Facebook. And yet on a rare occasion they would reveal something personal and surprising. A secret insecurity festered inside them. A loneliness consumed them and even within a big group, mingling and being their pretty pigeon selves, they felt alone. They needed the place to loud and dark; only then were they able to silence the little voice that still told them that nobody really liked.

It’s quite ironic when you think of it; feeling alone and yet never physically being alone. Think about it, when was the last time you were left alone for a good 20 minutes at work? When didn't someone come barging in asking to borrow something? We are constantly surrounded by people and yet the belief that you are alone is still as prevalent as always and that's because you are alone. We all are. 

If you think this post will be a step by step guide on how to overcome loneliness, save yourself some time and look elsewhere. What I have come to realize is that loneliness is an inherent part of being human. You will always be lonely. You might feel lonely after you come home from a packed show at the Opera House. You will feel sometimes feel lonely laying next to a good partner and you might just find yourself getting ready to raise a glass to wish your best friend a happy birthday, stopping for a moment, looking around a crowded room with familiar faces and feeling entirely alone. Who are these people? Do I truly know any of them? Just some of things you might ask yourself.

The beauty however is that the disconnection we feel is the common denominator that connects us. To be human is to belong to the inclusion of feeling lonely. Why am I shedding light on the seemingly defeating idea that we are all lonely? For starters, most of us feel as if there is something inherently wrong with us in that we feel lonely. Why can't I be like those mingling pretty pigeons on Queen West, you will ask yourself. The jokes on you though because they are just as lonely are you are because to be human is to be lonely. To be honest is to be lonely and to accept that one will never feel entirely and thoroughly connected to anything or anyone. 

The second reason for this post is to debunk the myth that being more social results in feeling less lonely. Sometimes the opposite effect will occur and you will feel more disconnected and out of place as you get busier and more social. Besides, the more people you meet the more your character and values are challenged. This will sting if you are not as strong as you think you are (most of us aren’t), being social will lose the allure it had when you first starting hitting going to ever Facebook event you were invited to. 

In your quest to meet people and be social, one of the most heartbreaking realizations will be that there are those that will go out of their way to make you feel more lonely. Why? Because they haven't come to terms with their own loneliness and act out due to it. Rather than have it be a commonality between the both of you, their own lack of consciousness towards such feelings might even make you a target and as a result you will withdraw and sink deeper into your loneliness. A vicious cycle continued by those who do not see that our loneliness connects us, rather than divides us.

To accept one’s loneliness is not to admit defeat or somehow decide to bow out from living within the world but rather it is to accept that we are all connected by the feeling of disconnection. The idea that we are alone exists because we are. Embrace it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ravish in it and let the idea that you truly only have yourself give you strength. The idea that you only have yourself is not a pessimistic one because it does not mean that there aren’t strong connections to be formed, true love to be discovered and heartfelt conversations to be had because the truth is there is. There is all of that but you will still feel alone.

So what does one do with this knowledge that we all feel disconnected from each other? If recent events have not worked as a catalyst to increase the use of kindness to towards each other then I hope your own feeling of loneliness will. Having an open heart and treating people with more care and consideration might come easier when you accept the idea that the disconnection you feel from the world, from your peers and from your own self, is the same burden that your enemies feel as well. Let your own pain and feelings of being forgotten drive you to create different experiences for others. It is so easy to just get lost in the loneliness and forget that it is the one thing that connects us all.

How to Survive the Holidays with Estranged Friends and Family/8 Ways to Deal with Conflict.

In a perfect world, somebody hurts us and apologizes for it or at the very least acknowledges our discomfort. In a perfect world our families would be the people who have been there for us the most and hurt us the least. Neither scenarios are the reality for many of us; dare I say most of us. In a perfect world conflict between two human beings would be minimal and we would use our time and energy on things that make our lives bigger and better; on things that are actually productive and useful to the world and others. Nevertheless, conflict with people close to us is something that we have all struggled with.  Throughout the year we may not notice the distance between certain people as much because we keep ourselves busy but during the holidays a sense of sadness can rush in and overcome you when you see your friends posting festive group photos while you are reposting a Grumpy Cat Santa meme. This is a step by step guide, a self talk if you will on how to survive the holidays and above all, how to be able to be around those who you have had conflict with. 

1. Reach out first and get dialogue going even when it is you who is owed the apology first.

If it is not yet evident from my past blogs, I’m a big advocate on talking things out. I’ve never understood people who delete and/or block on Facebook and break down communication altogether. The way I have always seen it, the faster we talk the faster we can possibly solve this or at the very least agree to a truce. What is the point of letting things build up over time? There isn’t any. The faster two people talk, the faster things can be resolved.

“Why do I have to be the one that steps up and reaches out?” you say. I hear you and your ego loud and clear, but think of it this way, some people will never be the first to reach out, even when they know deep down they ought to. Be the bigger person and lead by example. Communication is truly the best way to resolve things or at the very least can make you walk away from a situation knowing that you tried.

With that said, invite your estranged family members and even the friends who may have had conflict with to your New Years party and any other celebration you throw in the future.  Show the world and naysayers that you are above it all. Shock your "enemies" by showing them that you will not be part of the drama. Besides, letting things drag out and escalate is so 2014. 

2. Don’t sweep things under the rug.

Modern society is a living and breathing oxymoron if there ever was one. We encourage people to speak their mind but we also shame those that do it unapologetically. There are many times in my life I have heard the words “confrontational” and “shit disturber” towards those who were merely stating how they feel when something occurs they do not like. As individuals we should be allowed to confront those who we feel wronged us. If they feel bombarded or taken back- that’s their problem and should never be a reason to stay quiet. Besides, if your delivery is polite but stern they will hopefully see that you are not berating them but having a conversation, that’s it!

If you can, try to carry out communication one on one in a private atmosphere and if you can help it, refrain from letting anybody other than the person know how you feel. The whole, “he said, she said”, broken telephone thing is very real and the last thing you want is to have this person hear from various other parties that you are upset before you even confront them.

If you are about to attend a social gathering with someone you have conflict with, ask them to meet one on one beforehand to clear the air. Have you ever been to a party when you stood there talking to your friends and you could feel the tension sucking up all the positive and fun vibrations? I have and it’s not pleasant. For the sake of your host, yourself and other happy-go-lucky attendees, clear the air with someone you have conflict with that you know you will see repeatedly at various events. And if they decline you can at least acknowledge that certain things need to be ironed out and you are open to resolving it when they are. Either way, win-win.

3. Be assertive but don’t add fuel to the fire.

My first and second point discussed how important it is to communicate and state what it is that has upset you and caused conflict but it is also important to remember what critiques will undoubtedly start another argument.

I have a guy friend I have known for close to ten years and there are certain things that he has said over the last year that I have not cared for. I confronted him, we briefly discussed it and never spoke about again. Why is that certain topic off limits for him and I? Because discussing it further will only ignite the fire. Besides, we want to continue to know each other and in my mind, what has occurred is small fries on a friendship that has spanned an entire fun filled decade. I don’t ever advocate sweeping things under the rug but sometimes you just have to understand that you have said all you could and now just need to move on.

If you are still hell bent that your sister threw your favourite toy car that you asked all year for out of the balcony in a fit of rage 10 years, you are allowed to be  (she knew it was your favourite toy car!) but what use is it to bring it up now? When around those we have had conflict with it is highly important that we focus on the now or at the very least not so distant past. Going down a list of everything that has ever annoyed you will not solve anything but will leave the other person feeling as if there is no solving this. Pinpoint the top 3 things that have hurt you or rubbed you the wrong way and give them a chance to speak. No more than 3. If you have a list that has over 10 things that they have done that you have not liked (and titled just that) then you have ask yourself: is this even somebody I want to make up with? 

4. Don’t be dismissive.

There exists a very popular (new age) philosophy that I’ve never liked: “Don’t take anything personally.” Did you roll your eyes just now, I did. If you ask me, life lessons such as this one breeds a culture of zero responsibility, passivity for one’s action and dismissiveness.

Don’t get me wrong, I get the allure. To view everything as someone else’s problem is actually quite easy because you get to leave every situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

Admit that sometimes you do screw up and sometimes it truly is you and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?” the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way and enjoy the holidays with one less person hating you.

5. Try to understand where they are coming from and be accommodating.

This point is directly tied to not being dismissive. Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes is not an easy task because a) your ego has to be left at the door b) you may see yourself as the one in the wrong when being on the other side of the table and 3) you may have to do something uncomfortable to make things right.

Personally speaking, such actions are merely small gestures that one can do to repair a friendship or rebuild family relations. What does it cost one to fix things with someone they have wronged? Not much in my book but as I have learned, such is not the case for others.

When you have hurt someone over something that you deem as trivial, recognize that the same perhaps cannot be said to the person on the receiving end. What you view as a “no big deal” remark can take somebody back to a dark place or a memory that they have tried to heal from. Besides, if you know that something you say or do will cause someone discomfort or pain then why carry it out? We are all a product of our experiences and relationships and some of us have been through things you can’t imagine so at the very least you can act as if you do.

On that note, if you are trying to repair a friendship or family ties do something small but meaningful such as allowing them to choose where they would like to meet. If you are inviting someone to a holiday party you are on shaky ground with, go out on a limb and ask them what is their favourite appetizer or dessert. Gestures such as these work as metaphorical white flags to show the person that you are open to resolving things and ultimately, still care about them.

6. Agree to still be civil and polite.

I don’t care who you are or what you did to upset me but the minute I sink to your level, I have become just as wrong as you are. Remember that part I wrote about being above things, well, still treating someone who has hurt you with some level of respect is the number one way that a) you keep your integrity in tact b) you lead by example and c) your karma is secure. Every unpleasant situation needs that one patient person who will swallow some of their ego and continue to be the adult, even when they really want to be the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone.

Whenever I want to lose my cool and get psycho bitch on those I feel deserve it I remind myself something, “If I am cool, calm and collected, I can never be wrong.” Isn’t that a comforting thought- that even you are in an ugly situation you can still escape it with class and integrity. Besides, who the hell wants to be known as the temper tantrum kid making a big fuss in front of everyone?

7. Give things time and space.

If you know me personally then you know that I don’t like things to be dragged out longer than they should and like my resolutions like I like my Caesars- fast. If something unpleasant occurred to me on a Saturday, best believe that on a Monday and maybe even Sunday you will get a Facebook message or a phone call letting you know that I didn’t appreciate so and so. Many times people are responsive and will admit that they were either rude or unthoughtful without meaning to be but then of course there are those who feel bombarded at the slightest trace of confrontation and will hide, block, ignore and do anything to escape being confronted. Recognize when you are dealing with somebody who will not understand you today, most likely will not get you 2 weeks from now but quite possibly might see your point a year from now.

Not everybody lives life by the mantra of mutual respect or having the ability to communicate and you have to recognize that.

If you are at a social gathering and it is evident that the person who you have conflict with is feeling uncomfortable being near you, then give them the space they need. As I mentioned, in a perfect world we would all have the ability to talk things out like grown adults but such is not the case but respect that nevertheless.

8. Put your own happiness and peace of mind above everything else.

Something happened to me last month that served as a lesson of sorts. I was in Ottawa with work and somebody had said something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Not wanting to escalate the situation over the steak dinner we were all enjoying (or ruin my professional relationships with others), I said nothing to defend myself. I went up to my hotel room that night and felt less than. So much so that the next day I experienced tears while holed up in my hotel room while on a long distance phone call with my boyfriend thinking whether or not I’d be allowed to take an early flight back to Toronto. After I hung up the phone I did what always makes me feel better; I went down to the hotel lounge, ordered some food and sat there quietly isolated writing in my journal. I wrote about exactly how I felt. How alone I felt, how this exciting trip was being ruined by a careless comment by a unthoughtful person. The more feelings I expressed the angrier I became at my own self. I was angry that I was allowing my trip to get ruined and my heart become heavy. I thought: how is me allowing myself to succumb to my emotions fair to my own self? It's not. Why am I allowing conflict with another ruin my trip? I shouldn't.

Every single conflict infested situation gets to the level of emotion it does because you allow it to. I allowed myself to get bent out of shape due to that comment. I made myself stay in my hotel room while others from my work were sightseeing. I denied myself pleasure at that moment, not the person who hurt me.

In a conflict situation involving estranged family members and friends one must never forget that it is their own heart that they are hurting in the end if they succumb to the ugliness. Be above that, my dear friends. Put yourself first and do not allow anyone to rob you of your own happiness.

And for those wondering what I did after I ate my soup and closed my journal: I went upstairs, changed and joined the rest of my group at that night’s holiday party and even smiled at the person who had made the remark. Not because I was now fine with what they said but because at that moment I put my own happiness and peace of mind above everything else. The truth is, we are not all meant to be close friends. Appreciate those who are and determine who is not worth a lot of your personal investment but nevertheless a minimal level of mutual respect. 

Conflict with those we are friends with, those we see regularly and those we are bond by with genetics and blood is not pleasant but it rarely needs to get to the level of ugliness we allow it to. Resolve things for your own sake and enjoyment. Hold people accountable but understand that forgiveness and conflict resolution directly affects your own happiness and peace of mind.

Thought of you today and it wasn't the same...
Went by your/our old stomping grounds and it wasn't the same.

Recreating moments I had with you with someone else and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless special. 

Allowing myself to be completely open (mind, body, heart) the way I was with you and it isn't the same...
but nevertheless comforting. 

Hearing our song, receiving good news at work, celebrating Halloween without you. 
Needless to say it isn't the same...
but nevertheless more sweet than bitter.

Life without you...
It isn't the same but still precious.