The Death of Lemmy and The Glorification of Drug Culture

We live in a very contradictory world. The day after Black Friday ('Murica's version of Boxing Day on steroids) we LOL’ed at images of folks scavenging for new HD TV’s and biting, kicking (whatever it took really) to whoever stood in their way. In the same breath we like pictures of our friends’ new cars, just bought Coach purses and everything else under the sun that defines consumerism. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a brand spankin’ new pebble leather Coach purse, I’m just saying we are all walking, talking contradictions that hate on one thing but like (literally) the same thing just disguised in a more civilized and prettier package.

We do not however only practice such behaviour in relation to images on our screen but also to those we worship and consequently then mourn (and somehow look surprised that they died). On that note, I don’t know about you but show me everyday Joe Blow or Plain Jane who struggles with drug addiction and you will show me somebody who has lost the majority of his or her friends and family. Somebody who walks around the party with a scarlet letter attached to their Motorhead shirt that could might as well read, “Serious Drug User. Do not Approach and/or Approach with Caution.” 

Drug users live with a certain stigma that most almost never shake off (even when clean). And understandably so. However none of this applies if you are a successful musician as Lemmy Kilmister was. Your hardcore partying, bad boy, “I do as I please and go as I please” approach to life and love is praised and regarded as a holy doctrine of sorts in the bible of rock n roll. To some he is rock n' roll and to criticize him is to criticize the genre that so many (including myself) love.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hatin’ on good ol’ Lemmy (in fact a part of me wishes I had more of him and less of nagging, responsible me) but I am somewhat shocked at how much we are praising a man who proudly proclaimed to have slept with over 1,000 women, smoked, injected and snorted more than he probably needed all under the disguise of living life to the fullest.Why don't we praise everyday civilians who live like that? God knows many do. Maybe if they played guitar and wore all black they would be, right?

Musicians such as Lemmy often brand drug addiction in such a colorful, cool package that one cannot help but say, "This looks fun, can I has dat?" At what point though does one say enough when such a lifestyle starts deteriorating your health, your mind, our body, and above all, your talent and craft. Lemmy was a gifted musician, no one is denying that but make his life some kind of an example to an impressionable young kid and watch how fast he may end up as an STD ridden addict with no real future. 

Lemmy preached the rock n roll lifestyle till he died but what else was left for him to do? Tell us all that it's all just one giant lie that will leave you sick in the end. Break the hearts of countless aging but once young men who followed his bachelor lifestyle to a tee and are now living at home while some of their friends have wives and children. 

It's a hard thing I assume to be a walking, talking rock n roll God because at the end of the day you are merely a human being that may one day say, "I changed my mind." Personally, I've always believed that though people project a certain image and outlook it does not mean that at one point they wished their life had taken a different turn (even if they wont admit that to their friends, fans or even themselves).

Sometimes we preach a certain lifestyle so loudly and passionately and for so long that even when we want to change it, we feel almost ashamed to abandon the person we claimed to have known it all. Maybe at the end of his life Lemmy regretted his decisions to have been the poster child for drugs, sex and rock n roll. Before you message me with a “No of course he didn’t, silly girl!” please know that you do not know that. I don’t either. How Lemmy felt at the end of his life is something only he knows. Hopefully he died at peace or maybe he wished (just a little bit) he could do it all differently. Again, I don’t know that answer and you don’t either.

Going back to my original point- why do we shun everyday non-famous drug users but praise rich popular ones? They too are living life to the fullest, if you ask them. Is there a difference to them? Sure there is. Only to a fan though. Drug addiction is all about living "life like a video. When the sun is always out and you never get old. And the champagne’s always cold and the music is always good" until you witness somebody close to you become a shadow of who they once were due to them. After that, references to them in your favourite songs don’t seem so catchy anymore and any sort of praise by them by a celebrity is seen as an example of a blabbering drug addict who is trying to convince everyone that the party is still on and nothing is wrong. Even when everything is.

The Vulnerability of Being A Woman

When I was growing up in the suburbs of North York, things like gender and the repercussions of being born female did not dominate my mind. Kathleen Wynn had not yet implemented her radical sex-ed curriculum and the only times gender was discussed was when it was in relation to physical health. I lived my life with a type of rose-colored glasses approach that made me believe that I can be friends with males and it can be cool. I can walk around Bathurst and Finch at 11 pm with my headphones on blast listening to Aqua without so much as a bat of my mascara painted lash and the fact that I was a female put me in so less danger physically, mentally or emotionally than if I was born male. Silly girl I was. 

Going forward 15 years later and I am singing a different tune. Why? Because being friends with a guy usually meant that sometime in our friendship he’d sit me down, I’d take a breath (knowing what's to come) and hear him utter, “You know I like more than a friend right?” The next 10 minutes would involve me explaining to him that the fact that I bought him a drink the other night was just me being a generous friend. That time I threw him a birthday party; again just me being a good “bro” (if I didn’t have tits and a vagina). The next day he'd be upset and something along the lines of, "I can't be friends with someone who lead me on" would be waiting for me in my inbox. After a few of these I realized that because of my gender I could never just be another bro.

After having several of such encounters in my life I couldn’t close my eyes anymore to what was so blatantly in front of me. My gender and the fact that I was born female would never allow me to inherent the effects of certain situations as a male would. I couldn’t be touchy feeling with a male I saw as my little/big brother without him thinking I wanted him. I couldn’t have a really friendly conversation with a male friend online without someone deciphering it as flirty and I definitely could not walk up to a guy wearing a GNR tee and wanna blab about Chinese Democracy without him claiming, “Karina just totally hit on me.” You can say I’m reaching but its happened too many times for it all just to be coincidence. 

I can no longer close my eyes and continue to sing the tune of, “I can do anything a man does.” I can’t and I’ve accepted that. I can also no longer close my eyes to the fact that because I was born female I am at risk every single day of my life to violence by a male. If you think I am exaggerating you obviously do not take public transit and or spend much time in crowded downtown places or are a woman. I do and I see women constantly being intimidated, called derogatory names, sometimes shoved and on a really busy day, a combination of all those things. I see some of them yell back or somehow position their bodies to look as though they are gonna make his day but we both know they wont. How can they? How can a 5’6 woman (even a fit one) go up against an average sized male? Sure I love the idea of tit for tat and women serving up a slice of never-disrespect-a-woman-again-Joe but how realistic is that? It’s not. Most everyday acts of physical mistreatment (it can be a simple fling of an arm in a busy walkway that can actually hurt if you have a much smaller, delicate arm) that women are faced with everyday of their lives goes unnoticed (not everyone is a writer and taking mental notes on everything that they see around them), unreported and above all, accepted and normalized as, "Listen, missy, this is Toronto. You are bound to get a little roughed up if you don't move fast enough." 

It is in those situations (where there is no polite, “Oh I’m so sorry miss, didn’t see you there; hope that didn’t hurt.”) that women are reminded that even if they are wronged there isn’t much they can do about it. You can yell back at him, “Hey, watch it, buddy!” (as I do) but even then sexism goes against you and you are left to look like the crazy one. The one overreacting over a simple brush of the hand. Ask any woman who has ever experienced "a simple brush of the hand" from a man how it felt. Some might even surprise you and tell you they noticed a small bruise the next day. That's what happens when somebody 2 times bigger than you brushes their hand heavily on your shoulder as you are walking out onto the busy street.

Don’t think the suppression of women only happens in crowded, urban spaces though. One needs to look at the intriguing yet dangerous world of the Internet to see the double standard that exists between the sexes. Aside from my own patriarchal thread bashing experience (read:  http://theocdmind.blogspot.ca/2015/10/online-mob-mentality-bandwagon-hating.html I’ve witnessed many posts and statuses that I think crossed the line. Don’t get me wrong, I can take and deliver a sexist, no ill will meaning joke like any bro but many I’ve seen oozed outright hatred and a sort of disregard for women that have made me want to call their mother and say, "Bang up job, madam." When I'd fantasize about doing that I had to remind myself that itself is sexist. 

Sexism is so inherently wired that we like to place blame on mothers (not fathers) for how children grow up. Ever watch one of those old school movies that are on Saturday nights? If there is ever a parent and teacher interview and little junior had been bad, almost always the mother gets a scolding too. The father is usually seen shaking his head in disapproval of the both of them. Sorta like, "Shame, shame, wife and son. What am I gonna do with the both of yous?" Fascinating ain't it?

Speaking of online sexism, a few weeks ago I had someone on my friend’s list post a viral video of a woman politely rejecting a male’s request for a date with the caption “Bitch.” I had a lot to do that morning but I couldn’t bite my tongue and calmly expressed to former Facebook friend how a) a woman is allowed to reject anyone, anytime, all day, every day and b) what did she do that made him categorize her as a “bitch.” His absurd remarks went on about how women play with guys and that is what makes them bitches (I think I’m quoting him actually). My heart broke just a little when he replied with that. Not because this was possibly going to be somebody’s father one day but that I live in a world full of millions of men who think they are entitled to women’s minds, bodies and above all, their time (our most precious resource, sir) for the simple fact that they are seemingly nice men just looking to chat you up. Sorry bruh, I never got that memo. You know that one that said that just because you are engaging with me I need to engage back and if I don't I am somehow an evil bitch. 

How fascinating would it be if the tables were reversed and women were allowed to put the label "asshole" on every man crush who shot them down. Instead they are encouraged to take rejection with grace and a sort of unemotional response that doesn't let things be weird. Heaven forbid they get weird? Doesn’t seem very fair to judge women for not being interested, now does it?

The day all men (and women) recognize that everything is a personal decision and whether to engage in something as simple as a conversation is also a decision that I have full right to terminate at any point in time, it is then that the patriarchal entitlement that suffocates women of all ages and races can be lessened.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a woman (almost) every single day of my life but the older I get the more I see the discrimination, the silencing and stigmatization of the woman (it gets even worse if you an overly expressive one like me). Next time you are out walking somewhere really busy, be mindful of who you may (accidentally) fling with your arm. If it is a woman, apologize and don’t act tough, for she already knows you in control at that moment.

How Your Over-Conscious, Over-Thinking Self is Not Allowing You To Lead the Life You Want

You know who had it right all along? Nike. No, I’m not talking about the fact that they had celebrity endorsement deals before it was a thing (can you imagine rocking a Yeezus sneaker in 1994?) or that they brought every kid growing up in BNS a little bit of the capitalist dream every time our allowance, Hanukkah and birthday money hit the triple digits. I’m talking about the emphasis of just going for it or as the infamous saying went, “Just Do It”

If I can climb into a time machine and tell 24 year-old me anything it would be that exact phrase, “(Bitch) Just Do It”. Don’t think. Certainly don’t analyze and for the love of Yeezus (2^nd reference of the day) don’t spend weeks weighing your options (until it wasn’t even an option and the opportunity passed) but just act. Now before you label this as rash advice promoting careless and urge-oriented decision making, I’m here to tell you its not. Rather, it’s a less thinking, more doing mantra that sees dreams materialize into tangible things you can create, produce and maybe even tag on Facebook.  

It’s great to have goals (actually I highly recommend you start having them like now) but something horrible happens as you sit on a dream; looking at it, admiring it, breathing it in but not actually digesting it? With enough time it rots. Yes, even the most bound to ripe dream will rot. Not because it was a bad dream or because you didn’t have the heart, the drive or the brains to make it happen but rather it rotted for the simple fact that you left it on the shelf too long. Neglected coupled with the inaction of not doing anything allowed it to decay and what was once shiny and new became stale and redundant.

That’s the interesting thing about human beings. We are so instant gratification seeking that we are actually hesitant about doing anything that will not produce results within the week or month. I wonder how many Zuckerbergs there were until one actually took the time, had the patience and laid out the steps to see a plan out? I’m guessing a few.

On that note, why do we have good ideas but rarely implement them. Or start experiencing a lack of confidence and start questioning, “Why me?” It is that same “Why me?” attitude has made you not reach out to that guy you have always found attractive and you think you have a spark with every time you two talk. It is that same “Why me?” attitude that has made you stay quiet when you knew that answer in your grade 12 English class. Though I belong to the “Why not me?” category of people I understand those who belong to the latter. It may be hard to believe but I am a former recovering, "Why me?" 

The "Why me?" group is made up of those individuals who think great things are meant for other people; they will take the leftovers (granted there are some left). Those whose conscious is so on and in overdrive that every mistake, every road block is so carefully orchestrated (and already coming at you if you believe in the whole, think it and it will come rule of attraction) that you already failed, in your head, sitting at home on the couch, before you even tried. Doesn’t that break your heart? 

 

Me for instance, I wanted to start my own blog but my over-conscious self (and some well meaning peeps) told me nobody would get me, it would be hard to get readers, no one would enjoy reading long essays but rather prefer short tidbits of advice they can read within 5 minutes. None of those things stopped me though they are still valid (I'm sure some still don’t get and probably never will). I went forward with a dream and sit here with 55+ blog posts. Never mind who reads them and who doesn't. Dreams are foremost for yourself. What a pity that most forget that. Had I not done this blog it would have been added to the other pile of “I wanted to but this and that happened” and that’s wasn’t fair to me.

How many life goals would you say you had over the course of the last 5 years that you gave too much time to just sit there and collect dust? Fifty percent of them? All of them? You forgot to tend to it and before you knew it the dream mummified. You tried to resurrect it, bring it back to life but just like the magic in a once stellar relationship approaching its 3 year mark, once its dead, it isn’t coming back. That’s why tending to dreams, doing anything to keep them alive, much like relationships, is so pivotal to success.

The truth is every action has pros and cons. Even getting out of your front door is risky business depends on who you ask but you still do it right? Do you actually get out of bed? Of course you do. For most of us it’s a no-brainer and so why not approach big dreams with that same ballsy attitude. You have been getting out of bed like a boss for so long you just might write a book on it (see: Russian girl gets out of bed like a boss everyday). Why do you get out of bed like a boss? Because you just do it. You don’t think about it and lo and behold, it gets done. You don’t lie there in bed thinking whether or not to get up. God damn it, you just get up. You just do it. Imagine if you pursued anything you ever wanted with the same no-brainer attitude as you did with getting out of bed?

Instead we think about our dreams and goals, weigh our options get either scared or lazy. Or put them somewhere on the proverbial back burner that we forget about altogether, or rather they lay with us in our bed, forever; never seeing the light of day.

Remember that part I was saying how I belong to the “Why Not Me?” category of persons? Well, I still think I do but that doesn’t mean I too do not have a list of things I never got to because I was scared, I procrastinated, I didn’t want to do the work at the time. Believe me, I do, however, I focus on what I can do today to see them materialize instead on dwelling that they didn’t.

My advice to you (and myself) is to not let your dreams die but rather pursue them. Afraid of failing? Yeah we all are but how cool is that one you can look back and say you were a blogger and promoter at one point in time? Or pursued being a blogger and promoter at one point in time.

Why am I so motivated you ask? Well for starters, I secretly fear death and with every birthday I realize that I have one less year to do everything I want to. Or maybe as I get older I develop more confidence and self-love to actually pursue things that serve me and not waste times on those that do not. Or maybe it’s a mixture of both. And besides, why not me (or you) indeed? 

Or maybe some of want your dreams to be like an old stuffed animal you don’t wanna let go of. You just need to hold it and see that its still there. Whether you pursue it doesn’t matter, you just want to have them to comfort you when you need it.

What I have learned, if you do not pursue a dream you let the dream fester inside you till it altogether gets swallowed by doubt. When you do not pursue a dream it become dehydrated and eventually it dies. Died from natural cause the corner will probably say but you will now better, you died because you let it die.

Untitled.

You’ll reach out one day (unlike you) and I wont reply. Very Unlike me.

You’ll reach out one day and I’ll have to pull back.

You’ll label it as coldness, I’ll categorize it as keeping my sanity.

You’ll reach out one day and I wont answer (though I’ll want to).

You’ll label it as moved on, I’ll label it as still healing; maybe I'll always be healing.

You’ll reach out and ask to meet and a rush of (good) memories will wrap me up in the same rush that you once gave me. I’ll decline, though I will want to say yes (I will want to say yes more than you will know).

You’ll reach out one day (typical of you) and I wont reply. Very typical of me.

An Open Letter To Single Girls in Their 30s, 40s... How To Be at Peace at Being Single at 30, 40...

My mom loves to say that those who want everything seldom end up with anything or as a date once reminded, “she who asks for too much gets nothing” (he didn't get a second one, in cause you were wondering). Before you judge my sweet, old school European woman of a mother, or him, hear me out. My mom has seen me go through various relationships. Some guys she didn’t mind, one she never even wanted to meet (actually said at one point, “I never want to see him in my house”) and one in particular she loved like her own son. She actually cried when I broke up with him and though I scolded her for caring more about what she thought I wanted and who she thought I should be with versus who I actually want to be with, the truth is, when she cried, deep inside, I cried too. If only she knew that I stayed as long as I did because the thought of us together made her happy; I was happy she was happy. Her little girl was with someone who she knew would take care of her, never walk out on her if a child was involved and someone she would be proud to call a son in law.

Till this day (after one serious and a few not so serious relationships), my mom will be sitting quietly on the couch and I know, I just know, she is thinking of him and maybe even imagining how it would be if I never left. Maybe when I am getting dolled up to go to my next show she is looking at me and thinking how much more fulfilled I would be if right now I wasn’t going out but had a family to tend to. Sometimes though she is not so subtle and actually tells me, “You had a good guy but you are looking for this mystical man that you may never meet.” Yes, my heart sinks every time she says that. Not because it’s hurtful but because somewhere deep inside she may be right.

The truth is, I am selective when it comes to partners and I do want it all. Did someone say mystical man? I do want to be with someone who takes my breath away and will take my breath away everyday of our life together but so what? What is wrong with wanting that fairy tale? Why are girls who never wanted to settle (not in the slightest) branded as having princess syndrome? Why are we made to feel as if the boat has sailed and all we could do now is fantasize and dwell that we never got on it. Why are we encouraged to doubt ourselves and believe that that big fancy boat was our ticket out of this and would bring us somewhere bigger and better? Why are we made to feel that we should spend just a little of our day saturating ourselves in guilt with thoughts of the one we should have held on to but instead let go of?

The truth is, there are days where it’s hard to feel anything but guilt when thinking about a certain person who was ready to offer you love and fidelity but instead you let go of (there's an interesting correlation between that feeling and a bad day at work, bad date). Sometimes it’s hard to not feel regret when you go on dates with potential suitors who are not even half the man you left. It’s hard to not ask yourself if you made the right choice because if you didn’t then that means that what you wanted the most you had once but foolishly and carelessly let go of. It’s hard to silence the internal monologue that we single girls past 29 say to ourselves. It’s been years since I let go of the man my mom wanted to see me marry but even now I will have a day where I will miss the fact that I cant call him to ask for his stellar advice and stellar advice he always gave.

At times I am even regretful but I remind myself of one thing and one thing only- when it’s true love you feel it in your bones. When it is the real deal there is no hesitation or doubt but only the belief that this is it. Had I or you had that in our previous partners then there really would have been nothing that would have been so great that we could have imagined a life without then. I, much like you, would have stayed because something in me would have known that such a connection was too precious, too rare to let go of. But you didn’t feel that way and like myself, you let go. The fact that you left is the most poignant sign that this (for whatever reason) was not it.

I am writing this piece for every girl who has felt that way and maybe even continues to feel this way. Who followed not only her heart but also her gut; even when the mind was saying, “Stop, what are you doing?!” I am writing this for all the girls who have had to face every emotional, financial burden and life setback on their own. Be damned the people who say you don’t believe in love and marriage. If anything maybe you are like me, you hold love and marriage in such a sacred place that the thought of spending your life with someone you were not 1000% sure about is something you could not bare.

I am writing this for every girl who believes that we all have just one love of our life. I am writing this for every girl who wants her soulmate in a world of “Mr. Right-Nows.” The girls who never gave up on the dream and continue to dream. The girls who are brave enough and strong enough to stand alone because they cant bare the thought of standing next to someone they are not sure about.

The truth is, life is too short to settle, even a little bit. The thing with settling is, when you start settling with partners then what is to say you will not start to settle in every other aspect of your life as well? Think about it, even at 40, 50, 60, one is always too young to be with someone just because they are afraid being alone. Even though truth be told, we are all afraid of being alone. It’s not all Sex and the City bar hopping and second round of cosmos with your best gals. In fact, sometimes being single at a certain age is downright difficult. And then there are days where you know deep inside you are on the right path, being lead to the right person.

Below are a few pointers that help me continue to be a happy(ish) single girl in my 30s.

Let Go of Guilt and Regret:

If you are a regular reader than you know that I live by a very simple relationship mantra, “If it was working it would have worked.” In other words, focus on the fact that something was missing in your past relationships and pride yourself in being strong enough to realize that. Feelings of guilt, regret and shame will only leave you doubtful of every move you ever make. Trust that you did the right thing.

Do Not Be Ruled By Loneliness:

Whenever one of my girlfriends loses her shit over a guy I always like to look her in the eye and ask one and only one question: do you think this was the love of your life? If there is even a morsel of doubt to that answer then I know that all her tears and longing are the ego’s way of dealing with rejection. We humans hate rejection (even when it is enforced by someone we did not want). Doesn’t that blow your mind? Most of the time we lose our shit when a relationship ends not because we are experiencing heartache but because we are hurt that person X no longer wants our exclusive company. Don’t let your ego fool you and do not be ruled by loneliness. If it will make you reach out for people who you are not suited for and will bring you a lot of perceived heartache that really is just the ego not wanting to be alone.

Do Not Focus on Happy Couples Online

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, so if you are the type of person to feel less than because your ex-best friend just posted her wedding pictures, please stop. Number one, you are doing yourself a disservice and secondly you may be idealizing what may not exist. Maybe one day that relationship you idealized will be ending while you will be posting your own fairy tale wedding while they will be idealizing you. Case in point, we all have our own journey. Focus on yours.

Believe in Destiny, Love and Above all, Yourself.

Sometimes my friends are shocked how fast I bounce back from a failed romance but the truth is, if you believe in destiny and hold on to the idea that the right person will come at the right (or wrong but nonetheless come) time then there really is not much to get hurt about. If this was it then it would have been it but it wasn’t so therefore it isn’t. Never stop listening to that voice inside you. The one leading you to where you are meant to be and ultimately guiding you to the right person (no matter how much a well meaning mother tells you otherwise).

If you truly want Bonnie and Clyde (minus the deaths) then do not settle for Ike and Tina. If you want Ashton, then wait for Ashton and do not spend years with Macaulay. If you are looking for take-my-breath-away then why settle for just steady breathing?

Online Mob Mentality, Bandwagon Hating and Why We Stopped Giving a F*ck How Others Feel

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was involved in my first ever Facebook comment backlash (see: got my first ever verbal beat down like my name was Mike). Mind you I have had my share of debates on threads but this was different. It consisted of folks I've never met, a few I knew casually and even some I've raised beer glasses with that I watched "like" comments that put me down, insulted me and did it in such a hateful manner that I deleted the post altogether (yes, me doing so might be misread that they won and I lost but my sanity is more important than my pride and besides ain't nobody got time for a hateful thread when you are trying to re-elect a federal representative). It was tough, it was hurtful but above all, it was kinda disturbing.

It was disturbing to see grown adults make comment after comment about how wrong I was, how silly my comment was, how dumb I was for suggesting such a thing but it was also fascinating how they came in droves (the hatemobile was packed that day, my friends). At the rate that my Facebook was giving me alert updates you would think I would have posted a naked throwback photo but alas no, just a comment that others did not care for. You would think just one would say, "She got the point, we can stop now" but no, comment after comment came; figurative slap after slap was committed and another example of mob mentality and bandwagon hating was put next to the thousand of other examples that exist everyday. Yesterday was my day. Lucky me.

As I mentioned they came in droves and most bandwagon hating does. It's interesting how ideas get stuck and become your own and you start to express as your own even if they are not. Same thing happens with positive things too. Show me a female that Boy A thought was slightly above average looking and watch how fast he will change his mind about her when Boys B-H categorize her as "Super hot." I imagine the same thing happens with online hating. You notice a comment, think to yourself, "Hmm, what an out there comment but maybe this chick has a point." 10 people disagree with her and before you know it you are right there in the mud with the others. 

You can say I asked for it by posting a comment on a public event page seen by everyone who had access to it but did I really? Am I not allowed to make a comment that I know goes against the popular norm in a respectful manner without getting hated on? 

Before you roll your eyes let me be clear, this is not a "woe is me" piece, nor is it a "poor me" piece but rather it is a "poor we/us" piece. I hate to point out the absolute obvious but we love putting others down. And I don't mean we get off on seeing someone in an uncomfortable spot, but we genuinely have gotten in the habit of making others feel less than. Have you met your putting-others-down quota today? No, not yet? Better get to work, junior.  

Though I didn't see them, I'm sure some were salivating that I was getting a verbal beating. Strong girl who thinks she can comment as she pleases? Not on my watch, little girl! Even now I think back to some of the comments and I think, did that actually happen? For my idealistic heart I'm gonna assume it didn't. I wanna rewrite the past and I wanna imagine that somebody (even if they disagreed with me) came to my side and at the very least said, "Guys, chillax, agree to disagree." I'm gonna assume that the world is still filled with gentlemen who didn't feel comfortable bashing a girl when others were already doing that for them. I know you are out there gentlemen, even if you were silent during the thread.

Speaking of gender, perhaps our expectations of females has only changed on the surface. Maybe we still think big mouth Russian girls should know their place and not speak up when it is in regards to seemingly powerful men who have droves of people waiting to jump to their defense if she ever forgets where she stands. Or maybe we just don't like expressive people altogether? Or maybe we've become the culture of "You're wrong, I'm right," to keep us all in line. Break down every original thought we ever had so the only thing that exists is the status-quo.

A positive did come out this though, I gained a new level of empathy. Now I know how Drake feels. Hell, now I know how everyone who has ever been criticized online by strangers, by so called friends has felt. Should I not have made my comment? Perhaps. But if you are delivering in a respectful manner then shouldn't you get the same in return?

Or maybe yesterday was a social experiment; my way of identifying those who got no love for ol' Karinie. Were you liking statuses that put me down? Sorry bud but I may not be so friendly next time I see you. 

If I can give you just one takeaway from my experience it is that if you must disagree, do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel less than. If you see a group hating on one person in a way that goes beyond the subject at hand, point it out, be a hero and say something. Am I being too idealistic again? 

It's so easy to get lost in a hateful thread and hell maybe its even fun signaling someone out because you disagree with them but if 10 other people have already done the work for you why beat a dead horse when its already kicked? Why beat a horse at all?

To You, Whoever You Are: Part 2

On a day like today I wish I had already met you.
On a day like today I wonder why I haven't.
If you would see inside my heart you would see how much I want to.

On a day like today I wish our paths crossed sooner than the universe plans them to.
I wish our lives were already intertwined and came together by chance but nonetheless madly and deeply.

On a day like today I wish I could call you and you'd cheer me up, like only you could.
On a day like today I wish I had you to come home to (is it my turn to make dinner or yours?)

On a day like today I wanna run, not walk, to where you are.
If only I could hit "soulmate" on the GPS (if only).

On a day like today I wish I was stronger but the thought that I need you to be stronger comforts me.
On a day like today I wish I had your arms to hide in, your words to sooth me and your heart to heal mine.

On a day like today, when my thoughts creep into dark rooms I thought I locked up, I try to be optimistic because somewhere out there you need me as much as I need you. 

On a day like today the dream of you runs through my mind like a river- abundant and heavy.
On a day like today thoughts of you keep me sane.

On a day like today I wish I had already met you. 

Ice Queen mode is in effect
Cool, stoic, unfazed
Flick of a button and a big heart has finally burst.
Too big for its frame, too big for the world.
Exploded, bleed out.
(Please excuse the blood on the walls)
Still looking for the girl you once knew? 
I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.
Moved out a couple weeks ago, didn’t take anything either.
I’ll tell her you called though. 

Intuition, Interpreting Intent and Other Survival Skills We Forgot About.

Do you know why most human beings fail at interactions, have more frenemies than real friends on their Facebook or are just floating through life not exactly knowing what the hell is going? Have you ever asked why some people view themselves as CEOs of their lives and others barely hold the entry position and dream of quitting? I've always believed that what sets apart those that are always in a jam, are always in the midst of a breakup or falling out or are routinely writing their next melodramatic Facebook post (have you ever noticed that most start off with, "I really don't like sharing my personal life here but..." is lack of intuition for the latter group.

In other words, we have not taken the time to master the art of being intuitive. We are whizes at texting while exporting that excel sheet you have been working on for the last hour for your boss (while simultaneously liking your friend's penguin kissing vid on Facebook). We are pros at deciding and voicing our opinion at which actor we think should have played Batman and lastly we have become experts in deciphering things that are pretty obvious and are right there in front of our eyes. For example, that person who snubbed and didn't even look your way as you gave them your famous smiley, "Hey doll!" Yeah they don't like you. But what about when things are not as transparent? What about those that are happy to see you but you constantly get bad vibes off? (Question: are vibes still a thing? Answer: Yes)

Speaking of which, I have always found myself attracted to the hotheads. Not because I feel they get my fiery, European "Everything is a big deal, people!" side but because I've always felt that if shit was ever gonna go down, they'd be the first to tell me. A hothead will look at you and probably tell you, "Okay, I'm gonna go off on you right now and this is why." The non-hot heads will play coy, pretend everything is good, routinely admit, "It's all good" (insert fake smiley emoticon) but deep inside you know it isn't. And yet that little voice that says it isn't we often silence. 

We have become so dependent on sheer actions that we silence whatever motherboard inside is trying to send the following message, "Stop, what you are seeing in front of you is not reality. Please act accordingly." We have become so focused on the physical and the tangible that we forgot that things are seldom as they appear. The tangible and the physical does not always represent the truth.   

Transcribing peoples' intent (not what they say or do but what they really want to say and do) is, in my opinion, the most important survival tactic that one can develop. What do people really mean? What do they really want from you? Are they actually happy to see you do well? Who actually smiles when you post something terrific that has just happened to you? Who actually suppresses that human inborn characteristic to feel bitterness and who tries to curb their natural urge to be competitive but is actually happy that you are happy?

We have forgotten to pay attention to not only the actions but what they didn't say; what they didn't do and take that all into account when deciding how to go about interacting with them. Honing your intuitive skills will allow you to notice the small things they didn't want you to notice; they didn't want you to see. Seeing through the facade, the many "likes", what lies beneath the vale, is how one will decrease their pain and make time for those that truly wish them the best. 

If you think that I am advocating for one to solely listen to what feels good, you are wrong. Being intuitive and listening to your heart are two different things. Sometimes the heart leads you to places that you do not belong in. The heart may put you in arms that are not meant to hold you and the heart may put you in situations that bruise your intuition and make you second guess yourself. Intuition, unlike the heart, is a mix of emotion and brain; its rooted in the balance of what feels right and what is right. If it were a parent, unlike the heart that loves you unconditionally and cant punish you when you cut curfew and act out, intuition sees all (the good, the bad and the anticipated actions to come) and decides the course of action using that criteria. Unlike the heart, that will make you stay when your brain has a thousand reasons to leave, intuition just inherently knows that it must leave. 

Being intuitive and seeing true intent is not something that WikiHow can teach you (pictures wont help either) but rather is inside every one of us at all times. The longer you spent your life silencing that little voice (it turned out to be not so little after all), the longer it will take for it to start speaking up again and helping you on your journey. Imagine if you were a kid sitting in the classroom (front row mind you) and you knew the answers to the questions but were silenced and told you were wrong every time you wanted to give your response. With that said, be patient if it takes some time for it to speak up again but it will. How can it not? It is there to be heard. Your intuitive voice is wiser than you will ever be. It sees more than you are ever able to and is there to guide us through life and make sure that the ones by your side are the ones that belong there and the places you are you are meant to be in at that point in time. 

Bonnie + Clyde

Real love is forever...
It does not hurt, it does not break, it does not retaliate.
If anything it loves harder and stronger than yesterday.

It may want to hurt back (if ever hurt) but it does not know how for it knows only to love.
Programmed that way and set on indefinitely.
Want to switch the button to nonchalant but never seem to be able to move it.

Even when the mind tells it to bow out, hit restart with someone else and hurt back, real love will only love...

Stronger, deeper, harder than it did before. 

It will love today,
It will love tomorrow
It will love forever...

The Immense Power of Personal Growth through Trivial Actions

 
When I was younger I used to say that love was the meaning of life. To have love, to be loved was why we are here. Nowadays as a wiser(ish) and more mature(ish) gal, I live by a slightly different mantra: growth is the meaning of life. To know more, to do more and ultimately to be more is the reason we are all here. In other words, experiencing mental and emotional growth is the most important thing in my current to-do list. I would say that I really started adapting this mantra in the last two years but I hadn’t yet fully implemented or rather seen it materialize in my physical actions as much as I did last week. What did I do that made me say, “Holy shit, I am experiencing growth.” Well, to be honest, I simply walked out of a movie midway with a half eaten bag of popcorn. Yes, trivial to you but immensely metaphorical to me. Let me explain.

I’m someone who always prided myself on staying and watching a movie in a theatre till the end; no matter how much I disliked it. I felt I owed this to the people who made it (one day Michael Bay will send me a personalized thank you note for watching Transformers 2 from start to finish), the awkward kid who served me my buttered popcorn but above all I felt I owed that to my own self. I always felt that I needed to stay until something was officially done, until the credits rolled, the house lights came on and the chatter began because that was the right thing to do. I actually would feel guilty if I ever wanted to leave before a movie finished because to me it somehow meant that I was becoming the type of person that I detested. You know, the type that walked out of situations the moment they were no longer having fun or enjoying themselves. I also used to think, “Well maybe the movie will somehow take a triumphant turn for the better and become one of my all time favourites.” Needless to say that never happened. Does it ever? Usually a movie I thought was not memorable or enjoyable in the beginning was not memorable or enjoyable till the end. 

To stay till the very end was my mantra but last week I changed that, I walked out of a movie because I simply was no longer enjoying what was projected in front of me. I was no longer stimulated or having fun and if you are no longer stimulated or having fun, what’s the point? Maybe the type of person I detested all these years (the leave when its no longer fun type) had it right all along and it was I who had it backwards? Not even the extra buttered popcorn I was gobbling on could take away my boredom. I thought to myself, “There are so many other things I could be doing right now” and that's when for the first time in my life I got up (slowly and quietly, no need to make a disturbance for those that liked watching grown women swoon and get giddy over oiled up male entertainers traveling in a frozen yogurt truck for one last hooray) and left. Yes, not even Channing Tatum could have changed my mind about staying.

I left Empress Walk that night feeling empowered and with a new approach to experiences and that is, if I am not enjoying my time somewhere, I will take myself out of it. Weird looks, judgment and a half eaten bag of popcorn be damned. Why? Because I only have one life and to spend it on activities that I am not enjoying is not how I wish to live it.

We’ve all stayed and watched movies we didn’t necessarily like (maybe it was a free movie, maybe you felt you owed it to the person you were watching it with or maybe you hated knowing that all eyes would be on you as you tiptoed down the barely lit steps) but to continually repeat the cycle of being in situations that do not feed you (mind, body and soul); to remain seated when you want to get up and run out; and to feel as if you should be at point H when you are at point B is not a life I think any of us deserve to live. 

It’s such a comforting thought to know that we have choices, is it not? You can choose who you would like spend your time with. You can choose whether you would like to see a movie solo or with a companion and you can choose whether to stay or leave anytime you want, whenever you want, wherever you are. Anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

I left a movie midway last week because I couldn’t spend another morsel of my healthy, productive and beautiful life not feeling as if I am exactly where I want to be. Growth is building, rebuilding, transforming and structuring your life in a way where you can close your eyes and are exactly where you want to be. And my apologies to the folks that actually liked Magic Mike XXL.

How to Give Yourself Closure in a Dismissive and Busy World.

If you have ever held a grudge, you know that doing so creates an electric shock barrier of sorts that makes you feel detached from those around you. The ones that do still come around risk being zapped the minute they touch you. You may not even notice when you are embroiled in Hurricane Anger but if you look back at your life and are completely honest I think you will admit that the times you were the most angriest is also the times you were the least liked. I know such is true for myself.

I’ve always compared carrying around anger similarly to wearing a really old smelly shirt that you think you look great in but everyone around walks away as soon as you enter the room. “Sorry gotta run, places to be, people to see” they will tell you even though both of you know that is a lie. And it is for that reason I have always looked at conflict resolution and heart-to-hearts as gifts of sorts that we give to each that make everyone in an unpleasant situation sleep just a little better (never mind that we also replace our old shirts with fresh ones). Have I lost you with that overly cliché last line? Hope not because at the root living with resentment and lack of closure is something I do not think anyone should live with. And yet how does one give themselves closure when the person is unwilling to talk or is not physically here to have that conversation with you.

As someone who had lost their father at a young age I’ve had many conversations with my dad through me imagining he was here with me listening to me or even through the action of a letter I pretended he would read one day. Though it may sound strange- writing a letter for a dead man, it never felt strange. After every one-on-one conversation with my father I felt lighter and though I knew he was not there in the physical to hear what I needed him to hear, I always walked away feeling better.

It is that kind of dialogue that does not necessarily need the existence of the other person that I would like to suggest to those who are looking for closure and not receiving it.

I want you to lock yourself in a room, pretend the other person is there and say everything you need them to hear. It is important to note that the “response” is not what matters because in this case there will not be a response of sorts (though sometimes I do imagine what my father would say to me in return) and that’s okay because closure is for yourself. Closure, at the root, is about you, not the other person and so one does not necessarily need them in order to get it.

If anything, you may appreciate the action of having a “pretend” conversation where you express everything you need.

1. Time constraints is not an issue.

I don’t know about you but I am sort of infamous for going on and on (I blame my stellar verbal skills) and at times I have been told “Ok, I get it, you can stop now” and though I understand where they are coming from, I still feel I have more to say to them; more of what I need them to hear from me in order to move in. In a situation where you pretend the other person is with you, there is no risk or being cut off as the conversation exists for as long as you need it too. You are there to talk as long as you’d like without fear of being told to stop talking.

2. Living or dead, you still get to say how you feel.

One of the many unfortunate things about having someone die is the living person going on with their life knowing that they would never again have a face to face and say the things they wanted to. That is completely false. As I mentioned I have conversations with my father all the time and though you might think that it does no good to talk to a dead man, let me tell you, that it does. Relationships and bonds transcend the physical and so just because someone is not here in the physical why should you pretend they are not here at all? If you have someone in your life that you feel you owe an apology to that is no longer here, take some time, pretend they are with you and tell them everything you need to. It will help, trust me on that one.

3. No one will interrupt or confuse you.

Have you ever had the perfect speech in your head and then have it all go to hell because the other person brought up something completely unrelated or somehow used manipulation tactics? In a conversation involving only yourself there is no risk of being interrupted, getting the subject derailed or having your mind go blank after hearing something that triggers an emotional reaction and everything that you prepared to say is now overshadowed by either confusion or anger. Lack of closure also occurs when a conversation had taken place but you talked about something unrelated or you felt as if everything you brought up was met with resistance and more questions.

The misleading aspect regarding closure is that you need at least two people to make it happen. That is not true as closure can be found in writing letters to someone who may or may not receive them and continuing to have conversations even when the other person is not there physically.

So tonight, sit that person down metaphorically and express everything you need to. It may take some getting used to but believe me the action of hearing words out loud that have been in your head and heart for perhaps years is a tremendous feeling. The actual verbal expression of things you need to say is what will give you closure. Never mind that the person is not there to actually hear them because closure is first and foremost for yourself.  Besides, you said your peace, you put the words out in the universe and so why is that not enough?

Sometimes closure is realizing that there is no resolution, no happy ending that mends a friendship or relationship but that itself is closure. We all have people in our past and present who owe us apologies, who coincidentally we may also owe apologies to and that is why conversations- even with our own selves- are so important. All the power you need to feel different is within you. Never mind those who hurt us for no good reason and never even came back to see the damage they caused. You are your own personal paramedics.

If you have ever taken anything away from my writing I hope it is that you must always say how you feel and in this case even if the other person is nowhere to be found. Closure takes an investment in precious time, energy and emotion as you are forced to hear the other person to the fullest. Sometimes we are not given any of those things but that does not mean we cannot give ourselves the gift of closure. And what a gift it is.