On-and-Off Again Relationships: Why We Stay: Part 1.

If you know me personally you know that I do not give up on things easily. Blame it on my Russian and Armenian genes but passive and dismissive are words that have almost never been used to describe me. I’m a persistent girl, I’ll admit it and when things go to shit, I will spend every morsel of my being trying to undue the damage (even when I did not cause it). Brick by brick I make it a mission to put a proverbial broken unit back together if it kills me. Like I said, I don’t give up on things easily but this trait (whether I am cursed or blessed is still up for debate) has also transcended to my relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have never been one to give up on people when shown a side of somebody I did not like. In a fight or during somebody’s character relapse (you know that moment when you do or say something you do not mean and that which is not a representation of your real self) I will almost never get up, shake their hand, delete them off Facebook and be on my merry way. That’s just not me. The way I’ve always seen it, to truly accept and know somebody is to experience all of them; the good, the bad and the ugly (but of course within reason). I always knew I wasn’t a dismissive person but nothing made me realize it even more when I had my first (and hopefully last) on-and-off again relationship that lasted a whopping 4 beautiful and miserable years. I say beautiful and miserable because if you have ever had an on-and-off again relationship then you know that when its good, its disgustingly blissful (call in sick 3 days in a row, the both of you haven’t seen sunlight in god knows how long kinda blissful) but when its bad you cringe at the thought of ever being in bed with them (even though subconsciously you know you will be). Simply put, in on-and-off again relationships, when it rains, it pours (buckets no less) but when it’s sunny, its fuckin’ blinding.

In an on-and-off again relationship, there are moments so precious, so surreal that you wonder how you could have spent the last 4 months or the 6 months last year or the 3 months the previous year without them. However, there are also moments so painful and so physically and mentally debilitating that your drive and lust for life become fragments of your former self. Yet, you still go back. Every year. Same time. Same place. In my on-and-off again relationship, sometimes things were so consecutive (break up, make up, break up, makeup, repeat) that the years blurred together and many moments felt like a twisted version of déjà vu. And yet why did I almost always go back? Why do we usually go back to a person that you promised all your friends that you got over and have no interest in whatsoever? In on-and-off again relationships you become a good liar, to your friends, your family but most of all, to yourself. The question remains: why do we continue to stay in them? What are the reasons responsible for us continuing to invest our time, our minds and our hearts into relationships that history has shown us are not built to last? I can’t speak for everyone but these were some of mine.

The Comfort/ “We have so much history together” Factor.

There's a certain comfort to being with an old friend that you just don’t have (yet) with a new one. The never awkward silence, how you can start every sentence with, "Oh my god, do you remember that time we..." and the closeness you feel when somebody has seen you at your worse and still likes you. Similarly, in on-and-off again relationships, though they are saturated in large amounts of unpleasantness that never truly leaves (thus why it continues to not work), within it a comfort and a history exists that can be appreciated and felt lacking when it is gone. Much like a raggedy, somewhat funky smelling blanket, on-and-off again relationships keep you warm when you are cold. Nevermind that you leave feeling uncomfortable when it is off you.

The Stability/ “But we know each other so well”/ Factor.

In an unpredictable world such as ours, on-and-off again couples look to each other to be that stable aspect they may be lacking in other areas of their lives. When a first date with somebody goes wrong, you are the first they call. Why? They know you’ll pick up. When a new relationship fizzles out you find yourself conveniently in their neighbourhood. Why? You know they wont turn you away. But above all though, when you experience the pain and rejection associated with someone breaking up with you, they become that shoulder to cry on and eventually the lips that you will kiss. On-and-off again relationships are as unstable as they get but in a twisted way are consecutive and reliable. 

The Ego/ “I’ve already invested so much, I can’t have this fail” Factor.

I started off this piece stating how much I hate failing at things but I am not alone because every person who has ever had an on-and-off again relationship for a significant amount of time feels the same. With friends telling you you should have left months, even years ago and your family constantly rolling their eyes while blurting out, “Here we go again,” admit it, there is a part of you that wants to make this work to prove everyone wrong. You can make this work, no matter how many times you showed others the opposite, you say and a large part of not wanting to have this fail (again!) keeps you invested. The ego seldom can accept defeat, so do those to stay in on-and-off again relationships. 

The Loneliness/ “I don’t want to be alone” Factor.

If we are truly honest with ourselves we can all admit that everyone wants to be with someone. The problem with those who are in on-and-off again relationships is that the thought of not having anyone to spend a weekend with is enough to run back to anyone who will have them. Human beings are social creatures who are not biologically programmed to be alone. There's no shame in wanting company but most in stop-start relationships cannot fathom being single. To them such a categorization can actually translate to being unworthy of another.

When you are in an on-and-off again relationship there is always the availability of that person. You know that there is someone out there (nevermind that you haven't talked in months) that is thinking of you too and thus mustering up the strength to go on as a single man or woman seems like a option that you do not have to choose. Why would you? Though you deleted them off your phone and Facebook, you know you have their number memorized.

The Misguidance and Misconception of Isolation: Revelations from a Former Loner: Part 2.

When I used to refer to myself as a loner it was usually done with the kind of self-righteous that would make Charlie Sheen look humble. I took pride in my all night walks to Port Credit or as my mom called them, my one woman march to no specified destination for no particular cause that will hopefully not see me end up in the bottom of Humber River one day. I boosted how I’ve dined alone on a Friday night at a busy restaurant with confused looks from couples on dates sitting across from me. I bragged how I walked in by myself (buttered popcorn in one hand, fountain drink- no ice- in the other) in a packed movie theatre on opening night. But above all, I looked down on those I never saw outside large social circles and the comfort of their so called clique. What kind of a person has never spent an entire weekend by themselves with their phone on silent? Who would want to spend their weekend on a social kick?  Nah, I was above that. Those who never experienced being alone with their thoughts, by themselves and above all, away from everyone else made me question their sanity. 

To anyone who even seemed remotely interested in my loner tendencies I described how absolutely beautiful it was to simply enjoy your own company for days on end. I was so convincing that I even made my own self believe that the clarity of quietness and stillness found in loner activities could rival any bar hop or glitz of a packed club. But above all, I carried the belief that the lone wolf was more intellectually, spiritually and emotionally evolved than the social butterfly. A bold doctrine to live by, I know, but how often do we tell ourselves things to give our own lifestyle and choices that much more validity. Alcoholics tell themselves they can have a drink, people in committed relationships with a wandering eye simply deem themselves as friendly and when we are wrong we will almost always think that we are right (hello perpetual ego, how are you?) I truly believed that choosing to sit in on a Friday night reading Michel Foucault while others were socializing over drinks made me belong to some kind of superior group of individuals. The way I saw it, to choose one’s company versus being with others was strength. Coincidentally, choosing the opposite, I believed, was weakness.

Make no mistake though, when the time called for it I still was able to turn myself on social mode with the best of them. At birthday parties I made small talk, on a first date I never had awkward silence and when a Facebook chat opportunity with my crush presented itself, I almost always knew what to say. I knew how to be a social butterfly when I needed to but a lone wolf was my inherent identity and that which I felt the most comfortable with (key word comfortable).

A couple years ago I saw a Facebook birthday party picture where many of my friends were tagged in. As I looked at a plethora of happy faces I once knew so well a sense of sadness came over me. Why did I miss this? What was I doing that night that I deemed more important than celebrating a friend’s birthday (you only get one once a year)? The most important question however came when I asked myself: was I really happy as this independent lone rider or was there more to it? There was. There usually always is.

The more self analysis I conducted the more correlations I started noticing. My loner tendencies starting coming into effect when I stated experiencing painful situations. My habit of spending weekends by myself started after I learned what a painful break-up meant, how a a bitter fail out with a good friend felt and ultimately, how hurtful it was/is to feel rejection and nonacceptance from those you want to belong to. Gasp! My loner tendencies were born out of pain and disappointment , not some mythical need for independence and insatiable need to be with myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my assumption of superiority within the identity of the loner in comparison to the social butterfly was neither accurate nor entirely honest. Perhaps I had it all wrong; maybe it is the social butterfly who is more vibrant, confident and quicker on their feet than the independent and seemingly stronger lone wolf? 

When you think about it, it is the social butterfly that has a sharper ability to adapt to different social environments, various (at times conflicting) personalities and ultimately resolve conflict. Why? They deal with such on a regular basis due to their continual experience with different personalities, various social settings and everything else that involves being in a new place with different people. The social butterfly lives in a world where they are constantly liked, not liked, judged, accepted, questioned, challenged, invited, not invited, hugged, snubbed. Simply put, the more social person faces different unpredictable elements while in a social setting, the non-social person does not. The non-social person chooses to be alone and as a result usually gravitates towards the familiar and that which they are already comfortable with. Very seldom does the lone wolf's ego push them in a situation they are not familiar with and with people who may not accept them. Its easier to do the opposite, the ego says and they follow suit.

The social butterfly however actually lives in the world; ventures in it, gets embroiled in all of its beauty and ugliness, strong enough to endure all, patient enough to deal with the latter to eventually get to the former. The lone wolf spends its time in familiar places judging from afar. The social butterfly meets, it interacts, it loves, it hates and through those actions it constantly puts itself out there. The lone wolf rarely does any of that; insecure and afraid of judgment, rejection and falling face first in a crowded room. Their (fragile) ego cannot comprehend the idea that if they do fall face first in a crowded room, they will get up, laugh at themselves, order another drink and can actually go on enjoying the rest of the night along with everyone else. The lone wolf would rather sit in its proverbial and literal cannon; hidden, safe, reclusive. It remains at an arms distance from the world and those who live in it. Too hesitant (painful experience has shown it it should be) to leave the familiar place and identity it finds in this self categorization. If the loner is no longer the self described loner than who are they? To be anything else involves being outside of that identity and to search for a new one.

The non-social person does not consecutively deal with rejection and the unknown as it most often remains safe in the proverbial bubble that it has created for itself. The need for friends? What friends when I can read a book that will reiterate all that I already think? Romantic relationships? Hmm, there's a chance for rejection so I’m not sure if its worth it for me. Large discussion groups? But that means I might get questioned and heaven forbid realize that a certain ideology I hold so dear may not actually be valid.

In terms of learning and growth, in my most extreme loner phases I lived by the doctrine that I am my greatest teacher; there is nothing somebody can teach me that I cant somehow learn on my own. The truth is, to live a life where you continue to be your own sole teacher is like repeating a class you already passed but keep on taking anyways. Yes, you ace it and your ego feels fulfilled due to that but are you really learning anything new? In other words, there is only so much you can learn from your own self. Real growth is constantly and deliberately putting yourself in new situations and testing the waters of that which you like and do not like. How can you know who you are if your sole teacher and point of judgment is your own self? Throw yourself into the harsh tide of judgment and see how you do, lone wolf. If you are as strong as you think you are then you'll be fine, right? Right? 

If you are still confused as to how I see myself, let me be blunt. Yes, most of my blogs have been written in isolation but all have also been inspired by those I have met, grew to know and had experiences with. And yes, I still like my days where I can get lost in Port Credit writing away in my journal with my Motorola Razr on silent but I’ve stopped denying the fact that life’s beauty is found within company and relationships with others. You are allowed, no you are encouraged, to find pleasure within your own self but if you are constantly rejecting the opportunity to interact, meet new people and strengthen friendships, it is then that self assessment needs to become a priority. As a former loner, I can tell you that I have had some amazing days by myself but they were never as fulfilling as those I experienced with another. Some of the most important lessons you will learn through your experiences (both disgustingly painful and deliciously blissful) with others. 

In my loner days I was so impressed with my ability to go on for days without needing to talk to anyone that I failed to see all the beautiful things I was denying myself. I was not better off as a loner. I am better off around people I admire, I respect and can learn from. Even in groups where there is a lack of those things that itself can be both rewarding and critical as it makes you realize what kind of a person you do not want to be, who you do not want to be with. 

If you are reading this as a self-proclaimed lone wolf much of what I have written may have annoyed; how dare I call you unconsciously fearful of others? Where do I get off debunking your perceived assumption that the social butterfly is a fake entity that is constantly wearing a face mask at a social masquerade while the lone wolf is the truest of them all? Much like I did, deep inside you know that this need for an overwhelming “me time” is a choice you are making out of insecurity. Do not allow yourself to be misguided by isolation and romanticized by the idea of a table for one. As someone who has had enough table for ones to last a lifetime, let me state how fulfilling it is to share your heart and mind with a human being over a pesto pollo for one. Do not deny yourself the pleasure of being with others. Do not become withdrawn and when you find yourself hitting “Not Going” to a Facebook event that looks like fun for no reason whatsoever, look within yourself and deal with that which you have not yet. Life’s (best) moments are meant to be shared, not taken selfishly and cowardly only for yourself. 

The Crush

I walk into a concert hall and don’t even look your way,
“She doesn’t give a fuck,” I’m sure you say.

Little do you know that I came just to see you and act all casual like I don’t want it to be me and you.

As much as I try to fight it, you keep entering my mind.

Same goes with my day dreams and dirty bedtime rhymes.

Its like you are camped out in my subconscious and you got the fire going all day.
I wanna stay there with you, hot and tempted by all that you have to say.

I want you, there's no other way to say this.
I wish I didn’t have to lay my heart out on this piece of juvenile tidbit. 

There's so many things about you that get to me.
Your tattoos,

Your smile,
Your attitude and of course,
Your bad boy style.

Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not just the superficial.
Don’t label me as just another fan girl whistle.

There's something about you that makes me think there is not another you but no tattoos and a B.A. just isn’t what you are used to.
That’s okay, I don’t mind, I’ve always had a thing for opposites.
Why?

Similar has just never blown my mind.

You think I’m a good girl and I am but don’t think I don't have what you need in this T.O. land.

Want somebody to hold you, I’ll be that girl.

You’ll play your new song for me and I’ll read you my next blog.
And then well do some lines and all will be good. 

Hand in hand, walking like we should.

I don’t easily like someone, that’s why this is so rare but it’s
also exciting because I think of all that can be there.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
A bad girl at heart.

Come on, corrupt me with your leather and all that dark.

5 Myths Surrounding Suicide Most People Won’t Talk About

1. You were weak. 

Not to get too graphic but if you look at some of the ways that certain people have bowed out, the last thing you can call them is weak. To make a decision and to go full force with it is not weak by my standards. If anything, that is one determined S.O.B. However, if we are going to be assigning characteristics then the common two among those prone to suicide are hypersensitivity and people pleasing.

I’ve always said, if you are someone with an above average sensitivity level, you are both cursed and blessed. Blessed in that you love harder than most, laugh louder than the average and feel happiness on a level others very seldom can comprehend. The cursed part is that you also feel pain on a level others cannot comprehend and will spend energy, tears and time on situations that most wouldn’t give a second thought to.

And there lies the second characteristic of those who are suicide prone; most are people-pleasers. If you are somebody who always puts themselves first then things such as guilt, regret and empathy are not always emotions one feels easily because to you, it's all about you. People who are suicide prone are many times thinking about somebody else’s needs, someone else’s request, what another asked them to do (heaven forbid they say no to someone) and most times it gets to the point where they will neglect their own feelings and needs. They have been helping to finish somebody’s else’s full plate for so long that they neglected their own as it was growing bigger and bigger. The result: clean plate and a full belly for everybody else and full plate and an empty stomach for them. 

Anybody who takes their own life is not weak. There is only so much food one can eat off a plate in one sitting by themselves. Do not get to the point where you are so overwhelmed that you just want to throw the whole thing away. There are new plates (stronger and imported ones), there are better food choices and there is always time to finish a meal. Never forget that.

It is strength to allow yourself to feel all the pain that is inside you. It is strength to realize that you are at the end of your rope. It is strength to be 150% honest with yourself. However, it is the ultimate sign of strength to do something about it.

2. You suffered from depression or mental illness.

If you have ever spoken to a friend or a professional about thoughts of suicide then you know full well that it is usually met with two questions: have you tried this (insert name of generic happy pill)? Have you been to that clinic? Though I do believe that many people who are suicidal are clinically depressed and may have an actual chemical imbalance, it does not however do anybody justice when every single person who has had thoughts of suicide gets lumped into an umbrella category of “depressed” and having mental issues.

Yes, in some ways this diagnosis can help an individual get through their struggle but in many ways they can also harm them. Such labels stigmatize the individual, take away all personal identity and defines them as belonging to some society disapproved group that further puts them in a position of being less then. If you are having a bad day and you think that you may not be able to get through the next one, it does not necessarily mean that you are depressed or that some wire in your brain is off. It can simply mean that you have perhaps taken on more than you can chew and need to release all the anxiety, frustration and feelings of failure that you have accumulated. To be sad does not mean that you are depressed. It means that you are a human being who reacts to things. It would be weird if you didn’t. 

3. You only cared about yourself.

It is normal to first feel sadness and then complete anger for the person who purposely both ended their life and caused you pain as a result of it. “He/she didn’t care about anybody but his or her own self!” plays like a broken record when someone loses somebody to the choice of suicide (and make no mistake, it is a choice) but the truth is, anybody who has ever taken their own life did care about those around them. They cared a lot. So much so that their own perceived failure in the eyes of those they both loved and respected was unbearable. They did care about you and it was their assumed unworthiness in your own eyes that they couldn’t come to terms with. Little did they know though that them just staying alive (living and breathing) was all that we wanted from them. 

4. You were anti-social and an introvert.

I don’t think it needs to be said that those we never thought would, did. I always say, don’t worry so much about the person with the most melodramatic Facebook status, worry about the person who always seems happy. People who are prone to suicide lead very private yet social lives; always worried about burdening others with their own pain and thus keep most of it to themselves. They go out a lot, they date, they mingle. They play the part of social butterflies but little do you know that lone wolf tendencies are inherently them.

Not a single person is immune to pain so severe that they think it will never leave them. Sometimes the people we should be the most worried about are the ones we often are not.

5. You wanted to die.

The biggest misconception about somebody who takes their own life is that they wanted to die. I know what you are thinking, if they didn’t want to die they wouldn’t have killed themselves. Yes, from a logical point of view death is the ultimate relief where there is no rewind button but if you have ever talked to anybody who has survived their own suicide attempt, most will tell you that they never wanted to bow out completely. They just wanted to hit the pause button, start over and undo all their mistakes. Maybe have some relief from a devastating break-up, consecutive failure and on some level, a break from their own self.

We need to let go of the stereotypes that surround both who have attempted and survived it and those who were successful. Not everyone was suffering from depression and if you ask me, I believe that if given a second chance, most wouldn't go through with it. If given a second chance... 

What a pity that we don’t live in a world where you can take a month off from work (without getting penalized) to get your head together and get your emotional and mental self back on track. What a shame that we rarely have friendships so transparent that we can bear our hearts and darkest thoughts without the slightest fear of being judged or having it repeated elsewhere. How sad that most often than not, we have partners who do not take us exactly as we are; most partners want the cheerful and uplifted version of ourselves (hair and makeup better be on point too) and grow irritated when they are given the opposite. Maybe if we did most people wouldn’t feel so alone and see solvable problems (as most are) as not.

How I Survived a Milestone Birthday and Lived to Write About It

New agers call it a solar return, teenagers call it getting old and if you are somewhere between the ages of 24 to 28, chances are you can't even talk about it without breaking into a cold sweat. Yes, the milestone birthday. Whether you are turning 25, 30 or 50, this is a step by step thought process of how I survived mine and you can too.

My most prized possessions: my journals

I took the time and reflected.

Everyone has their own preference for reflection. For me walking has always been a great tool for decluttering my mind while journaling has worked as an extraction of the other noise, worry and concern that gets left behind.  Where am I now? Where am I going? What makes me happy? Where do I not want to be in 5 years? Spend some time and physically write out whatever comes to mind in relation to these questions. Not all of them you will have the answers to but knowing yourself inside out is not the end goal or what reflection is about. Formulating a somewhat level of consciousness, however, is. Documenting your thoughts, physically releasing ideas you don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else and formulating questions is a very useful tool to remembering not only how you felt but how far you have come. The best thing though- there's virtually no wrong way to do this. Lock yourself up in a space, get a piece of paper or open up Microsoft Office and write down whatever it is that is on your mind. You'll be glad you did. I always am.

I measured success by my own standards.

How I determine whether or not I am living life “to the fullest” is by asking myself, “Did I do more, see more, form more friendships than I did the previous year?” If the answer is a resounding yes then all is well. The trick is to keep going forward, doing more than you did before and to just keep moving. Even on your most darkest days, remember, left foot, right foot. Whatever you do, do not just stand in one place.

I reevaluated my friendships.

My rule for party friends is very simple: everyone and their grumpy cat is invited. My criteria for close friends is: if you don’t make me better (and by better I mean: adding wisdom, fun and that little something unexplainable you feel when you know you met special someone), then I’m not sure why we are hanging out and having dinner together? The way I see it, time is the most precious thing in the world. It’s our non-renewable resource and once it’s gone, its gone. Invest your time, energy and patience into those who truly make you happy. Everyone else, smile, be friendly, send a friend request but know that not everyone is meant to be in your inner circle.

I stopped creeping.

Social media has changed the way we communicate but it also changed the way we perceive ourselves in relation to others. With an influx of images and words in your news feed coming at you faster than you can say “Must be nice to go on vacation 4 times a year,” social media has widened the gap between the “I have this” and “you have this” category. However, before a milestone birthday (and anytime really) its important to remember that things are not always as they appear to be. There’s no point in taking a few shots and drowning yourself in Wiser’s after seeing that the goofy kid from your elementary class just launched his third business. There’s no use in feeling less than because certain people are in different (see: seemingly better) phases of their life than you are. Let others perceived success be your driving force, not the reason you say, “I’ll never get to that level, why even bother?” Enter this new decade with admiration for others but also with all the belief in your own self and your capabilities.

I got out of my comfort zone and took on new projects.

We are endlessly referring to this so called comfort zone but what exactly is this place that has gotten such a bad rep? Wikipedia defines the comfort zone as a, “behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.” I however have a different definition for it. If you are feeling zero fear and anxiety (be in a job, a relationship, etc) then you sir/madam, are in the comfort zone. Your life should be filled with butterflies, end of story. I want to enter this new decade feeling both fear and excitement but having the latter trump the former.Who's with me?

There are also a few projects that I always wanted to do but didn’t. Why? Because they seemed too out there and that’s why now, this new decade, is the perfect time to see them through. Soft cushy corners, a bed you know so well and cabinets that house all your favorites be damned, life is too short to live in the proverbial comfort zone. Throw yourself into a new room, close the door and don’t come out till you are comfortable with new furniture and ultimately a stronger version of you.

I planned something exciting for my birthday.

If you are a really busy person then you appreciate whatever down time you have. If your day is filled with to-do lists and things that absolutely need to get done then your mind seldom wanders and that is exactly why I did not spend any considerable time leading up to my birthday feeling anything but excitement. I was too busy to be worried or to feel sorry for myself because I had to plan a birthday concert for me and my friends. Where will we rent the PA system for the bands? Will Ammo make a guest appearance? What do grown adults want to get in a loot bag? These are the questions that ran through my head leading up to the big day, not fear and anxiety.  

Birthday at the Izakaya House; June 2014

 

Birthday Invite

The way I see it, if you have something amazing to look forward to then your birthday does not mark you turning some kind of society disapproved number but rather involves celebrations, cake and your nearest and dearest. Trust me, planning a birthday concert, picnic and anything else which involves celebrations will keep your mind off any negative. It will also make you focus more on the exciting upcoming new phase in your life and most importantly all the festivities that will involve that big day. May you have a blast. I did.

I got rid of things I no longer needed or that which held no value in my present.

Remember that part about re-evaluating your friendships and letting go of those that no longer add to your life? Well, it also applies to tangible goods you are holding on to. You don’t want to take off into this new exciting decade with bags of junk from your past, do you? I didn’t. I wanted to start my new decade feeling light and not being weighed down with things that I probably don’t even need. Besides, everything you really need is within you; all that extra stuff is just stuff.

A former high school dropout gets her Honours B.A.;York University

I focused on what I already achieved.

When thinking about all we have not yet done we sometimes forget to give ourselves a big pat on the back for all that we already have done. Make no mistake kiddo, it was you who woke up early to go to your 8:30 am (insert name of class or tutorial you dreaded the most in college or university); it was you who calmed yourself down and took the responsible route when you wanted to clock out or to tell your boss to take a hike; it was you who flyered up Queen West for your first gig at the Bovine; it was you who has spent, energy and maybe even a few tears to get yourself to where you are now. So be proud of yourself and all that you have done already.

I became grateful for who and what I had. 

If you are reading this somewhere warm and on your personal computer or smartphone then chances are, you are a lot better off than other people in the world. The truth is, the sun is still shining and whatever you went through you survived. How do I know you survived? Well, you are still here; living, breathing and getting up in the morning. Be grateful that you are. I am.

I stopped being afraid of failure and realized that there really is no time like the present.

There’s a quote I heard once that really resonated with me: “hesitation will kill more dreams than failure ever will.” Have a big dream that you think is too out there? Go for it anyways! Afraid to approach your crush? Send them a Facebook message inviting them to go somewhere. Want to launch a new business but think you are not mentally or financially prepared? Guess what, you may never be! In other words if you are waiting to do something when you are 100% mentally, emotionally and financially ready to, then I hate to break it to you but that day may never come. If you regularly put things on the back burner, I have a feeling I will meet you five years from now and you will say the exact same thing, “I just need one more year.” Don’t be that person. Realize that there is no such thing as 100% ready for anything. This should be a comforting thought though, not a scary one because ultimately it means that even though you feel hesitant and not up to par, you should still go forward.

I allowed myself to feel all the worry, anxiety and fear I was feeling.

If you know me personally then you know that I’m a big advocate for allowing oneself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Want to get angry, get angry. Want to be so excited that most people think you are on something? Jump off the walls, ol’ girl! Whatever you do, don’t keep it all inside. Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling but remember that nothing gets accomplishment if you are continually in a space of frustration or even worse, regularly beating yourself up. If anything, doing that will leave you so proverbially tattered and bruised that you may not have any energy leftover to actually do anything to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and self loathing. Remember, you are always allowed to feel whatever it is you are feeling but make sure there's a purpose to it.


I stopped being hard on myself and realized that I did the best I could.

I've always felt that having high expectations (mostly for myself) was my achilles' heel. Admirable in that mediocre results never cut it (moi, average?) but in many ways it is that same drive for amazing that has caused me disappointment. When I say I stopped being hard on myself I mean that I gave myself a break. Not to say that I gave myself a hall pass to stop being productive but rather I started thinking of how to go about getting the things I really want.  Dwelling does nothing but set your focus backwards.

The truth is, we’ve all been through difficult times that we may still be healing from. You are only human and chances are you did the best you could for that time with what you had.

All in all, it may not be easy welcoming a milestone birthday but the trick is to pick yourself up from the pool of, shoulda, coulda, woulda and enter this new decade on a foundation of: I should, I could and I will. Imagine your ideas, dreams and aspirations as a flower. As long as you are listening to them and seeing them blossom versus forgetting to water them altogether then you are doing alright.  This is a new ride for you, so take your “Ugh” and turn it into “Hell yeah! Lets do dis”  and you will.

Remember, the best is yet to come. Actually, scratch that, the best is right now. May we all have many more milestone bdays to celebrate!

12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 2

This may go without saying but just so we are clear, I do not think my "12 Golden Rules" should be set in stone nor do I think every point can be applied to every situation. I am simply sharing what I have experienced, seen what has worked, what hasn't, etc. This piece is meant to be a foundational starting tool for attracting the right person as well as navigating the unpredictable world of dating in the modern world. The truth is, there are so many factors that go into the makeup of a good pair. Some say destiny and timing also play a role (to what degree is purely your choice to decide) but those two things you can’t control so I suggest working on those you can. With that said, I present to you, Part Deux.

7. Learn from every romantic entity that enters your life but know who you want your partner to be and be strong enough to realize when you are with somebody who simply isn’t him/her.

I’ve spent time with many guys who I knew I wouldn’t end up with and thus didn’t. It’s absolutely cool to have a few Mr./Ms. Right Now(s) in your dating repertoire but don’t you dare think Mr/Ms. Right Now can substitute Mr./Ms. Right because he/she can’t (though they may be somebody’s else’s Mr/Ms. Right). It’s funny how we get comfortable with people, time passes and before we know it we just spent 4 (tumultuous) years with somebody we knew wasn’t right for us from the get to. Isn’t it interesting how human beings will suppress their own gut feelings and inherent instincts just to have a warm body to lay next to at night?

Realize that some people you are meant to know, like, love and above all, learn from but eventually are meant to move on from. Do not stay too long in situations that aren’t meant to be long term. You don’t want to pass by Mr./Ms. Right because you were at home fighting with Mr./Ms. Right Now, do you? I don’t want you to either.

8. Remember that like attracts like.

I am in no way suggesting that both people have to listen to the same music or frequent the same concert venues in order to be happy. If anything opposite tastes in those arenas can enrich and bring growth to the both of you. Personally I like conversations that go something like, “Oh my God, you’ve never heard of the Dead 60s? No, I haven’t. Do you listen to Kendrick Lamar?”, but there is no way two people who have entirely different lifestyles and priorities will stay together. You also have to be on the same page when it comes to the big stuff. Not only does like attract like but like stays with like.

I also don’t understand (and forgive me for using a superficial numeric code) how average 6s think they deserve to be with got-it-going-on 10s? At least strive for an 8, sweetheart. Wanna a 10? Become a 10. Want a boss, baby girl? Gotta be a boss. Nuff said.

9. Pursue.

I have too many guy friends (and girlfriends) who I know for a fact want a certain person but will do nothing about it but interestingly enough will also continue to post the same cryptic Facebook status about being alone. You want somebody? Let it be known. I’m not advocating for grand gestures (though some people like that) but a simple invitation for a drink, a meal or a concert is you being proactive in wanting to see them and get to know them better but it is also harmless enough where its not entirely known that you are full on interested (as you may or may not be yet). Don’t forget that admiring from the across the bar or liking every Facebook picture they have is not you pursuing. That’s just you admiring from across the bar and hitting the Like button.

But I’m also not putting all the pressure on the guys. Women need to be a little more vocal as well. Though I personally think the guy should initiate the first date or one on one hangout or whatever the kids call it these days, however I am not above making it known that I do want to be asked out and that I would like to spend time with him one on one. Whenever I hesitate towards somebody I keep thinking back to my April post about Missed Connections (my second most popular piece, thank you dear readers) and I ask myself, what’s the worse that can happen? Rejection? Meh, been there, done that, still here.  

Bottom line, if you don’t pursue, initiate and be honest with people about how you feel you will look back on your life and regret all the people who you possibly could have had something with. Trust me on this one.

10. If you are nervous and hesitant about meeting new people, please know, the other person on the date, in the club/bar is too; they just hide it better and are probably just more drunk than you are.

If you walk into a date or a social gathering with the attitude of, I’m not entirely hideous, I know how to hold a conversation, I’m fun, then what is there to be afraid of? Please know that the majority of those who frequent online dating websites, know every speed dating shindig in the city and are regulars on the club scene are looking for the exact same thing you are: somebody to meet, somebody to spend time with, somebody to have fun with and somebody to possibly have something meaningful with. As author and anthropologist Helen Fisher once said: “Millions of years ago we evolved 3 basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love, and an attachment to a long term partner. These circuits are deeply embedded in the human brain and they are going to survive as long as our species survives on what Shakespeare called his mortal coil.”

So trust that you are not alone in feeling hesitant, a little scared, cautious to be vulnerable and all those other emotions that run through you when you are opening up to somebody about who you truly are. Who are we truly you ask? I like to equate it to an after hours amusement park. When the shiny and brightly colored rides and attractions that are you stop going full speed, the lights are off, the painted face clown clocks out and it’s just stillness and realness. No fast rides, no bells and whistles, just you. The right person will accept the real you, imperfect and all. And the ones who just want a flashy and neon decorated 24 hour show, tell them to go elsewhere. There's a height requirement for entering the after hours. 

11. Realize that some people are just not meant for you and will not be until they deal with their own issues.  

If you have been dating for at least 10 years then you know full well that there are many variations of people in the world. Some sparkle like diamonds but are all cubic zirconia inside and some seem like dehydrated flowers that somebody forgot about but on closer examination and given the chance, will eventually bloom brighter than any rose you have ever laid eyes on. With that said, there will be people that will grow more distant and cold the more caring and giving you’ll be. You need to realize that dating grown adults is complicated stuff, not only because adults are complicated stuff but because we are a mixture of all the good and bad experiences (some we never had a choice or whether or we wanted to experience) that came our way. Realize that some people just cannot accept love and as sad as it is, may spend their lives thinking they are unworthy of it. When you do something amazing they’ll just scratch their heads and say, “What is this? Why are they treating me so well? I’m not used to this. I’m scared, later girl.” When you encounter this kind of person two things need to happen. 1. They recognize that perhaps for the first in their life they are in a healthy situation and it is their lack of self-worth that is acting out and working against the both of you or 2. You go your separate ways, they grow and come back to you when they have learned what it is they needed to.

I believe (good) romantic relationship heal the scars we start accumulating at a very tender young but I also think we as adults should constantly work on ourselves so we don’t repel those who have our best interest at heart. Like I said, dating grown adults is complicated stuff, so be kind, be patient but don’t hesitate to let them know that their burdens are not your burdens. If you find yourself being a full-time therapist, run! You deserve somebody who has done the work, learned the lessons and can give you what you give them.

12. Stay idealistic but have both feet on the ground; don’t get jaded and believe that you deserve whatever it is that you are looking for.

Who knows for certain why some people gravitate towards each other and others count down the minute until the movie is done, they can hail a cab, join their friends at the neighborhood bar and tell them all about how they just had “the worst date of their life.” Who knows why certain people meet and can talk for hours while others look at the shrimp fettuccine they ordered as the highlight of the evening.

In terms of growing tired and feeling jaded that certain relationships have not materialized, there’s a quote I like to use (that was not meant to be applied to dating): “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” The way I see it, if you settle for somebody who has 60% of what you are looking for because you are tired of trying, going on countless dates with the meal as the highlight, pursuing and being rejected, and you give up altogether or settle, who is to say that the person for you (the one who had what you wanted) was just a chance week meeting away? Silly you though bowed out too soon and are now holding cubic zirconia when you could have had a diamond. Do not ever think that you are alone in wanting something real and amazing. Don’t settle, wait for somebody you makes the sun shine just a little brighter and he or she who makes your day better for the simple fact that they are in it. Every single person deserves that, including you.

Trust that the right person will not reject you or suddenly pull back. Trust that the relationship you are looking for will happen when it’s meant to (perhaps when you least expect it) but above all, trust that you are worthy of being with somebody who truly wants you. Until that happens though, work on yourself, date, have fun, meet people and do not allow anybody to alter what it is that you want for yourself. If you want that crazy, mad love affair with somebody, go for it. If you want to just have fun your entire life and have so many notches in your belt that it’s hard to tell if there are even spaces in between, that’s cool too. Just remember, like attracts like. 

Lastly, as they say, you may have to kiss a few frogs (though that same frog is a future prince to somebody else) and meet a few basic girls (though exceptional to those they are meant for) before you meet somebody who is a good fit for you, but so what? Maybe that happens so when we do meet somebody special we appreciate them that much more. Believe that somebody for you is out there, looking for you too and is just as eager to meet you. Just make sure you are the person you want to be when you do.

12 Golden Rules for Dating in the Post-Golden Age, Part 1.

I don’t want to toot my own horn but among certain friends, I’m kinda known as the relationship whisperer. Is it because I am an endless vessel of wacky ideas and theories that nobody asked for? Maybe. Is it because I have a hard time keeping my two cents in my wallet? If you are a regular reader you know this self-proclaimed overly expressive girl can’t keep her mouth shut (perish the thought!), but what has really earned me my rep as the “relationship advice go to girl” is the amount of experience I have in them. Long term, short term, flings, amazing first dates where we never see each other again (I swear this happens), undefined get-togethers where I am not sure if he is really, really into me or is royally turned off by me; you name it (date wise), I’ve had em’. More importantly though, you name him (type wise), I’ve met him. Yup, I’ve seen a lot in my day. With that said, though there is an undeniable amount of similar dating lists online perhaps mine will bring something new to the mix. Here’s hoping.

1. Brace yourself for bipolar dating, aka. the cycle of the hot and cold dater. 

Bipolar dating occurs when you meet somebody who seems really into you right off the bat. You appreciate the attention this person is giving you (as most human beings will) but right when you start reciprocating or just as well, keep acting as you did when they first got into you, bam, they pull away faster than you can say, “Fuckin’ Capricorns, you’re all the same!” You need to understand that nobody is immune to having this done to them and coincidentally nobody is immune to being interested on a Tuesday, being turned off by something that was casually said or done on a Friday and fully checking out on a Saturday. As frustrating as this may be, this will happen. Maybe you two will be in the midst of a simple chat session, communication breakdown occurs, they say something that you are bothered by (what is trivial to them may be a deal breaker for you), a wire in your brain crosses, and you never look back. You are Scarlett O’Hara, gone with the wind, never to return again. Though another case of bipolar dating to you, “I’m glad I got to see this side of her before I really committed”, to him.

If you have done this it doesn’t mean you are a bad person and if you had this done to you then it is equally as important to remember that they too are not a bad person. Chances are, they weren’t that interested to begin with because real feelings do not change overnight but make no mistake, they are allowed to change. Simply put, people are allowed to change their mind, their feelings, their partners, etc. Besides, until the both of you are official you don’t owe each other anything and thus are both free to be turned on and off as you see fit. Yes, its frustrating and even hurtful when it is done by somebody you actually thought you had a connection with but its common so brace yourself kiddo, until you find somebody who will accept you as you truly are and will want to be with you regardless of minor hiccups for what you may say or do, you are seated in a ride that goes up and down and no doubt passes through hot and cold waters. So buckle up and wear layers, it’s about to get messy.

2. Learn to handle rejection gracefully.

This may go without saying but rejection happens to everyone. No, it does. The truth is, gorgeous and successful women get rejected. Guys who are walking and talking prizes that have all their shit together sometimes don’t get a second date. And so why should you be any different?

Secondly, the more times you get rejected the better you will be at dealing with it. At 14 rejection usually invokes tears, howls, diabolical screams and understandingly so. Why? Well, you simply don’t know any better. However, the older you get the better you get at this whole rejection thing. The better you are at handling showing up at a restaurant all dolled up, thinking you are going to order the pasta al pesto, have a magical evening that may or may not end with you on your back but instead are met with a lukewarm embrace and are told its over. Done diddly over, just like that. As mentioned, 14 year old you would lose her shit but 29 year old you excuses herself, goes to the ladies rooms, looks in the mirror, wipes a few tears and says, “You’ve been here before, ol’ girl, you got through it and by God you’ll get through it again”, comes back with reapplied mascara and finishes her pasta al pesto.

Lastly, there is something that I have really taken notice of in the last few years and that is the fact that something amazing happens when you get rejected, remain cool as a cucumber and say, “Okay, I understand.” No, one after the other text messages, repeated phone calls demanding explanations about what happened, what could have gone so wrong; how dare they no longer prefer your exclusive company?  None of that. Just a simple, “I understand” and be done with it. Not only will the person doing the rejecting be taken back by the lack of your enraged full on ego (remember, cool as a cucumber),  but I’m willing to bet 3 shots of Gran Patron that you will leave them thinking, “Am I wrong about this? How can I not be with someone so cool, so collected and above all, so unshacken by me?!” Hey, it always worked on me. Just ask the last guy I uttered the words “I’m not sure we are compatible” to. He stayed calm, collected and didn’t lose his shit in the slightest and do you know what he got?  He got a very flirty (and may I add regretful) Karina messaging him a week later asking, “So how are you ;)”. Too bad the poor bastard couldn’t get past the fact that my moment of doubt and expression of “rejection” was just that, a moment. Oh well, can’t win em all. Neither can you. Rejection happens, deal with it.

3. Talk on the phone, make time to actually see each other (No, Skype doesn’t count).  

Don’t rely on social media as your only form of communication and while you are at it, squeeze in a phone call here and there. Flirty texts can be fun but they are also cliché, redundant and impersonal. I sometimes even think, how do I know I am actually talking to so and so and not just a robot set on conversational flirting? The way I see it, if we can’t have an exciting conversation on the phone for at least 15 minutes, were not meant to be more than just friends. I know, I know, I’m actually asking for communication without emoticons and abbreviations. It’s official, I’ve seriously gone mad. ;) LOL

Also, some people are exciting texters and online chat companions but are (hate to say it) dull and coy in person. Don’t you wanna know who you are really going to be with?

4. Compatibility is not black and white.

I was always of the belief that some people just “click” or have a natural compatibility for each other but the older I get the more I think maybe there is no such thing as natural chemistry or an “effortless conversation”. Maybe the level of compatibility is only determined by how hard one tries to understand/get to know another person and work with them rather then against them. Meet somebody who may have never heard of your favourite band or has never read your favourite author? Don’t write them off right there and then or deem them as “incompatible” with you. Give it a chance, you’d be surprised who might be a good match.

5. You get what you give.

I’ve always said, we are the society of entitlement. We want our partners to be this and that and to have everything from lists A-K but we sometimes neglect to have expectations as to what we are willing to offer them; where is that long list of what you are going bring to the table. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards or refusing to take the hand of anybody who asks but the way I see it, if you want amazing, then you will need to put in the work.

Some people think that if they want the cow, they can not only get the milk for free but they can order it online, have it delivered when it suits them, have somebody else feed it and take care of it and they wont have to lift a finger. That’s not how you get a cow, people! You gotta get up, you gotta get dressed, you gotta travel (you may even have to pay the highway fee) and you will need to get on that farm and choose the cow you want. What I’m trying to say is, if you want something substantial you will need to put in the work. Did I lose you at the word “work”? Hope not. I’m not saying its going feel like a chore but in the dating world you’ll actually have to try and put your best foot forward.

On that note, some girls want to be treated like princesses and to that I say, get it girl, but if that is what you think you deserve then you my dear need to treat him like a prince. Simply put, you get what you give. Don’t expect the moon and stars but only give the bare minimum. It’s probably not going to happen (unless you meet somebody who doesn’t care how they are treated and in that case run) and it’s just not fair. Amazing relationships happen when both people give 100%. Complacent, see ya when I see ya, look elsewhere relationships give each other 60% at best. Decide which one you want to have. 

6. Get off the “It’s not me, it’s them” train and actually be honest as to why you may be single. 

One of my least favourite traits in a person is dismissiveness. Rather than filing every “bad date” or “failed relationship” as “that chick was just crazy” or “that guy will never be happy with anyone,” ask yourself: how come I repeatedly attract the same “wrong” person and have the same lacklustre date? Sometimes it really is you and sometimes it’s not; highly important to distinguish if it’s the former or the latter. If you have been single for a good couple years ask yourself, why am I? Warning you though, this may hurt a bit as self reflection sometimes does but the good news is, it’s entirely worth it. Bettering yourself (mind, body and soul) will not only do wonders for other areas of your life but most importantly, it will not repel the right person when they do come along.