Friendships, Conflict and the Strength of Proverbial Bridges.

A tiffy with a co-worker (nothing serious) ended with an epiphany (most days should). When it was all said and done and we exchanged our, “Hope you are not mad at me”, “Oh no, hope you are not mad at me”, I realized something. We have uncomfortable sit downs with those we actually care about. Think about it, when something goes unresolved it leaves little holes of resentment that eventually ruin blankets of friendships; however, those we truly want to keep around we confront things about. In other words, unconsciously we do not want those pockets of unresolved issues to grow larger and more tattered. In regards to my co-worker, I feel I can express myself to her (and her to me) because at the heart of it, I actually really like this person and therefore I feel I can be honest and expressive. Think about it, aren’t your most closest friendships filled with friendly teasing and at times heated debates? Of course they are. It is those we want to keep at an arm's distance and don’t really want to get to know that we smile and nod even though our hearts and brains want to act otherwise. Why cause conflict with someone you don’t care about, right? Not worth the energy, right? It is those we truly like and want resolution and understanding with that we come (above all, take the time and spend energy on) and say, “Hey, that thing the other day rubbed me the wrong way. Lets talk”. Why do that with somebody who you don’t care about? You wont. Not only will you not burn that bridge but above all, there is no bridge to burn. Its all just one big illusionary bridge. Its not really there and above all if you ever step on it, you fall right through. Much like the friendship, there is no real foundation to it.

With that said, the whole proverbial concept of burning bridges is an underrated one and let me tell you why. It's not that I like having conflict with those in my life but rather I like to know exactly how strong a bridge I have with someone is and no test was ever as revealing as your first real argument . Sometimes testing proverbial bridges (however unpleasant) is a necessary action to determine who you have a strong foundation with; which bridges are truly solid enough to run through. Or, who will throw you a life jacket (ego and frustration aside) if others bridges you thought were real turn out to be illusions and you find yourself swimming in unfriendly waters. 

On that note, can immensely strong bridges (see: true friendships) ever truly be burnt and left with no trace? I don't think so. They might get tattered a bit but only illusionary bridges ever disappear. See, I rather have a few select, strong sturdy ones that will be able to hold me and all the shit I may have to cross with one day than look around and see bridge after bridge but know deep inside that if I ever do cross any of them I will fall right through.

Next time someone comes to you with something unplesasant and you get all, “Why is this conversation happening?” take a minute and try to remember my words: we fight, resolve conflict and keep trying with only those we truly want to keep around.  Those who have not said one ill word to you or have never expressed any form of disappointment probably don’t care enough to do so.

Shit New Agers Say

Anyone who knows me knows that I am all about the positive life but not if it means glossing over situations with rainbows and clichés that do not apply to the real world. The following are phrases I hear on the daily. Someone please, make it stop!

“Time is an illusion.”

It is? So you are saying I can show up to work 30 minutes late or make a friend wait for an hour and there will be absolutely no repercussions? Amazing, what an easy going life I have been depriving myself of! To those new to the blog (welcome, dear friend) this is me being sarcastic. See, I have a problem with thinking that there is an infinite amount of time to do whatever you like. Some of the most successful people I know set specific timelines and mental due dates with goals they want to achieve. Living your life with no concrete deadlines is easier (wont argue there) but how productive can you be? Lets get something straight; you don’t have an infinite amount of time. Even if you are a believer in reincarnation and think you will come back over and over to do the things you really want to, shouldn't you still make this lifetime count? Shouldn’t you still view time (your time) as precious? One of the worst things is to assume that you will have more time and more chances to do everything you ever wanted. Time is not an illusion. Rather, it is very real.

“Don’t have expectations.”

If you are a past reader then you know that I devoted a whole post  to how I think expectations get a bad rep. What’s so wrong with having standards that you and those around need to live up to? What's so demanding about having an expected way of how you want to be treated? The truth is, we all have expectations (whether we want to admit it or not); however, what you expect from others should also be expected from yourself. Expecting to be treated with respect and kindness, I’m guilty of that one. Maybe you should be too.

“Give Everyone the Benefit of the Doubt.”

In theory, this mantra sounds really nice. Believe and trust all. Never mind gut feelings, reputations and little things your subconscious picks up and transmits to your conscious, right? Wrong. Trust is earned, not given on a silver platter to everyone and anyone we meet. Same goes for yourself. Want to be trusted and liked? Make sure your actions and words correlate.

“Don’t judge anyone.”

I’d like to think that when someone sees me doing my best impression of one of the girls from “Rock of Love”, they don’t judge right then and there but rather they take a few minutes, talk to me, get to know me and then judge me. Judge me by my words and actions because quite honestly, what else do you have to go by? The truth is, you should judge people when you see patterns and consecutive actions. Give people chances to redeem themselves but hold them accountable for repeated mistakes. If you ever see me act up, be a pal, make me take ownership and please judge me when I fail to do so.

 “Don’t take anything personally.”

This particular mantra I hear the most. In theory I like it because once again it makes one leave a situation guilt free. Boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you? Don't take it personally, its their demons working away! Friend deleted you off Facebook? Who cares, they are probably going through their stuff anyway! Not my fault! Right? Wrong. Sometimes it is really is you and in order to fix the situation you must first admit that indeed you screwed up. Living your life by the “It's not me, it's them/you” belief will only work as a distraction from you taking responsibility for your mistakes. Remember that part about taking ownership for your actions? Well, how can you if it truly is never your fault?

If you never ever take anything personally you are also denying yourself emotional and mental growth because in order for that to occur we must first admit our mistakes and change our patterns. We do screw up and sometimes it truly is us and therefore sometimes it really is personal. The faster you can sit down and ask yourself, “Maybe it is me? Maybe they are merely reacting to my mistake?”, the faster you can apologize, learn and be on your merry way. Sometimes it really is you.

(Unresolved) Family Drama = Future Relationship Drama

Being the wannabe sociologist that I am, I sometimes look at contrasting groups of people in my life and think to myself, “Why does group X not behave or react to things the way group Y does?” For instance, I have girlfriends who meet a guy on a Tuesday and on Wednesday will be sending me texts saying, “Karina, I’m in love”. Then there are the girlfriends who meet somebody on a Friday and on a Monday just casually let me know that they met someone nice and they are curious to see what may happen. As someone who belongs to the latter group I often ask myself: what distinguishes the “boy crazy” and the “girl crazy” individuals from the non? Well, maybe some of you will yawn or get annoyed by what I have calculated but it comes down to one main common denominator: current family relations; specifically those that are healthy versus those which are not. Almost every single “boy crazy” girl I know is either estranged from her parent(s) or has unresolved and looming resentment for her family. On the other hand, the girlfriends I have who don’t spend their nights and days getting to know boys, chasing boys and then subsequently crying over boys, have pretty strong family relationships. Is this all a weird fluke and coincidence? I doubt it. See, what I am about to say is nothing revolutionary as it has been documented in countless psychology books but so many young people refuse to see that there are reasons why they continue to live a life and attract people who don't make them happy. If you didn't grow up feeling wanted and loved, that painful burden and lack of acceptance of oneself is carried over to adult relationships. You become so thirsty for affection and acceptance that you cling to anyone who shows you interest. The non-boy crazy girls on the other hand already have people who love and support them (their family) and thus they don’t get swayed by any Plain Jane or Joe Blow. They also know how real respect and love looks, smells and feels like and when they encounter the opposite in the form of a dysfunctional relationship, they run, not walk, away. From what I have noticed the men and women who continue to stay in relationships that do not fulfill them and/or base their season's goal as getting a partner, almost all have deep rooted issues with their families. Makes perfect sense if you think about it. Their first experiences with love were rooted in anger and pain by their family and so it is no wonder that as adults they stay in situations that a) are not healthy b) are not built on respect and love and c) justify the dysfunctional family relationships they had while growing up. In a way, its all they know and as time goes by the chain of dysfunctionality becomes a stronger one to break.

I personally grew up with a mother who loved and stuck by me through the thick and thickest. She played the role of amazing mother and father all in one and so when it came time for this bright eyed girl to date, rest assure, my expectations of how I wanted to be treated were unshakeable. My mom has taught me that real care and love is being patient with someone, at times putting their needs and wants ahead of yours and it is those mantras that I carried and continue to carry with me while I navigate through dating and relationships. I already have people who love me unconditionally and will be with me through everything so baby, you gotta bring just a little more for me to be interested. In other words, the unconditional love and strong bond I have experienced with my family is the reason I am not boy crazy and am not wrapped up in anyone who shows me the slightest show of interest or care. 

How is all this relevant, you ask? Well, for starters are you boy or girl crazy? If so, how are your family relationships? Solid as a brick and yet you still get easily attached with people you encounter? Okay, let me know my theory does not apply to everyone. However, if you are in the group that has had a very painful and hard time with relationships then I suggest first mending things with the first group of people who taught you how to both receive and give love or the lack thereof of the two. If everything is good at home then why would you ever spend your time chasing and/or staying with people who do not fulfill you? You wouldn't. Your family relationships are the foundation for all your future romantic relationships. Make them as strong as you can and the rest will come.

Advice Is Overrated, Trust Only Yourself

I’m not sure what to make of people who are overly confident and dismiss any negative comments about themselves or something they have created. At one hand I gravitate towards them because I love the magnetic vibrance (the not so subtle aroma of “I’m the shit” can be intoxicating) that surrounds them. On another hand I often wonder, how can growth and progression occur if somebody is not open to hear unfavorable feedback?
         
I pose this question because I’m not sure which of the two I should be when I get negative feedback from a piece I had written. Why do people assume that others actually want to hear negative feedback from something they spent a whole Sunday writing? Where does it say that all opinions are welcome and should not only be heard but defended? I remember somebody once telling me how if one had written a piece they truly stood behind then defending it should come easily and with enthusiasm. Upon hearing that I remembered some business advice I heard once on television from Sara Blakely (CEO and founder of the multi-million dollar women’s undergarment company, Spanx). She discussed how she did not let a single person in her life know about her business venture until it was literally on the shelves ready to be bought. An odd decision, wouldn’t you say? I would assume the woman would ask every man and woman she knew for their opinion on the look of the garment, the sizing, and colors but she didn’t. When asked why she had done that she talked about the direct correlation between opinions (which will most likely be negative and filled with changes you ought to do versus praise) and your own insecurity and belief in the product. When you think about this approach, it all makes sense. How many times have you suggested a somewhat unusual or far out there idea to a friend or family member and been given the eye roll? How many times after that have you thought to yourself, “Yeah it was a stupid idea anyways”, and thrown that whole action of going forth with it aside? What I am trying to say here is that we many times allow the chirping of negative feedback (no doubt meant to be helpful) derail us from making our own dreams come true. Give yourself permission to think that you are brilliant and allow very few selected people to give you feedback. Above all though, stop looking for validation in the form of feedback outside of yourself. I find that the comments we allow to enter our creative zone help in laying out the foundational groundwork for which your product (whatever it is) is produced. If the product is built on your (and only your) belief that “Yes, it is great. Yes, I know people will want to listen, read or buy this”,  then how can it possibly fail? If it is built on doubt and hesitation (a result of endless feedback) then yes chances are it will fail. 

So where is all this coming from? See, I live with the pessimistic belief that people will want to break you down before they will want to build you up (I've seen it too many times in my life to think otherwise). So before you offer anything that is not a positive, ask yourself- where is it coming from? I for one always catch myself when I want to say anything ill of a local musician. Why you ask? Well, quite frankly, I am not in a band, I don’t play an instrument and so why would I add my two cents on something I myself cannot do? Every naysayer and unintentional ego crusher should only comment on things they themselves can do better. Don’t like a song a band just wrote? Write a better one. Don’t agree and think a blog post is rubbish? Start your own and put me to shame. Don’t like a piece of clothing someone made themselves? You better start sewing before you open your mouth critiquing how poorly of a job she did.             

Me writing this is not me sticking my middle finger to constructive criticism but rather its me saying that we live in a world where we are encouraged to get opinions and ask how others feel about something you produced and created. Just think about all the energy and time, the precious, precious energy and time that one wastes, excuse me, spends, getting feedback and then defending their work. Think about all the time you spend defending a piece of work that actually could have been spent making a new piece of music, writing, clothing, etc. The point is, once you invest that hour and your energy defending whatever it is you do, it is then that that hour and energy can never be reclaimed back and for what? To oppose somebody who probably rolls their eyes more than they can actually do with their hands and brain? I wonder if Van Gogh or Michael Foucault ever wanted feedback on their work? Why isn’t it enough for the person writing, creating or producing it to like it? It is in my book.  

Crack Smoking Politicians and the Unhappy Society

Tuesday November 5^th was not a good day for Rob Ford but he wasn’t the only one who grew red-faced that afternoon while admitting that he did in fact smoke crack. I did as well seeing how I was part of the large assembly of very passionate people (by God we meant well) who engaged in pubic forums (Facebook threads count), snickered at Thursday’s new issue of NOW Magazine (see: boycotted the publication) and spent considerable time and energy engaging in dialogue with friends, strangers, hell, anybody who’d listen, all while using phrases such as, “You don’t know the whole story… maybe there really is no tape…its all those leftists trying to get him”. Yeah that was me. My desire to not want to jump on the Rob Ford bandwagon was not so much a result of being naive but rather I live my life by the mantra that when is somebody is already down, there is no use in kicking them, even if they deserve it or better yet, even if they tripped by their own stupidity and boy did he ever.            

I’m not sure who Rob Ford truly is and we probably will never know but I’m take a good guess and say that he is somebody who believed that with great responsibility will come great power and excellent health benefits and it did. I wonder if self fulfillment and peace of mind were two things he also wanted out of this job? Too bad for him that seldom do great monetary rewards also come with being happy. The first part he’ll get as mayor, the latter is a lifelong journey rooted in self reflection and restraint. And so begs another question- why are most politicians so screwed up? Hell, why are we all so screwed up? We have human beings who become mayors of the greatest countries cities in the world and yet are unfulfilled and looking outside both their marriages and what is legal to feel just a bit more alive. Or maybe we human beings are all guilty of self sabotaging our picture perfect lives because at the core we don’t want to be happy or lack the tools of how to stay happy. Maybe we truly do want our lives in chaos. Deep inside maybe he really did want to get caught. How else do you explain Ford’s neat trail of coke crumbs?

Rob Ford however is not alone as the cliche, rich kid turned politician, turned alcohol and drug fiend. There are countless stories of unhappy, dare I say miserable people who are in high profile positions making choices about your life and your future. I thought notoriety and good pay was supposed to make us happy and keep us fulfilled? Guess not. What about the average Joe or Jane who also reaches out for outside and illegal comforts? Why do we continue to live in a society where people can formulate a Facebook status on a whim but lack the how to express when they need emotional comfort and help? Who would we ask for help, anyways? With everyone’s 12 hour workdays (that’s something to marvel at nowadays) we have become the multitasking and highly busy society of bees, all working away but not really going anywhere. We as a society have stopped focusing on what is truly important and have gotten further and further away from the basics. We are overworked/stressed out and look at alcohol and drugs as an escape that only leads us deeper into the lives we do not want and further into becoming the people we never wanted to be.

This is all not to make you feel sorry for the big guy, though. We are responsible for our own self destruction, just as Ford is. We have become so obsessed with our sense of unhappiness and entitlement that we do not even see that our vices, those perks we use to balance out the mundane of everyday life, will add on to our demise. How do we combat becoming a sad statistic? For starters, how about going into careers that you are suited for. Rob Ford is no doubt pale in comparison to the Ivy league educated, diplomatic, suave politician we have seen year in and year out (think: Mitt Romney). So why is he in politics? Because most of us have grown up with the idea that high ranking positions and careers rooted in notoriety and great medical benefits will make us happy. As Ford and so many before him have shown, it wont.  Rather, if you are not somebody whose foundation and merit is strong, the pressure will get the best of you. Besides, the man is happiest coaching high-school football not arguing about taxes.

Now that the dust has settled a bit we can ask ourselves: what’s the moral of this tragic story? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck? Besides that. How about the idea that we are living in an incredibly self-centered world where ego will reign over right and wrong any day of the week. How about the notion that lost and overweight little boys who don’t deal with their issues grow up to be lost, overweight, and now humiliated mayors of first class cities. Or better yet, lets discuss how much we as a society love to see people go down in crack smoking flames? Knowing what I know now, I’m still not sure whether I would have changed my stance in mid May. In a way I like that I gave another human being every benefit of the doubt, never mind that he let me down in the end. Even now, I still refuse to take my seat on the Rob Ford hate bandwagon because I know this is just a small story of a man who lost his way set within a bigger, demented picture that is only becoming uglier as time goes by and all the tiny fragmented pieces are dissected.

I Dont Want to be Liked By Everybody and Churchill Didnt Either.

In a sea of smiles that almost instantly turn into grunts when both people are no longer face to face, I sometimes wonder; how strong and real are the connections with the people we socialize with? But the bigger question is this, am I the only person who thinks they are doing something right/living an honest life when I find out that I've rubbed a few people the wrong the way? We all want to be within the circle of familiar interests and ideas that bind together strangers (that’s a given) but theres something incredibly unsettling about the person who is buddies and has nothing but smiles for everyone they have ever encountered. Have you ever come across someone who has never had a single confrontation with another? I have and I don’t envy them. Rather, I want to say to them, who are you, non-confrontational and lukewarm person? No, who are you really? Are you just a watered down version of who you truly are? Is making nicey nice with everyone that important to you?  I never did understand people who get along with everyone and have no enemies and maybe I never will. Its great if being liked is top priority but I cant help but feel that as we age and grow into the person we are meant to be, our circle of those we have a real connection with becomes smaller and tighter and consequently stronger.

I'm not liked by some. 

I've been misunderstood by a few.

I've rubbed people the wrong way and you know what, I like it like that.

"You Sold Out, Man!"

Few pictures in the music industry caused more backlash and fan resentment than the above image of the then newly short-haired boys from Metallica on their 1996 album, Load. I've never particularly liked talking about the politics of music (past and present) but last night I was reminded once again how public image and fan worship, or in this case, fan ridicule, lives on indefinitely. I’ve also never been of the theory that looks or most specifically, the length of one’s hair was the overriding factor to the credibility of the musical genre they belong to.  With the emphasis that it really should be all about the music why do we continue to want our rock stars long haired and in studded leather jackets. If it truly is all about the music then the foundation that is built on the credibility of a metalhead is never shaken because they now choose to have a crew cut.  With that in mind, last night I spent a good ten minutes being told that Metallica sold out in 1996; when they cut their hair and when Load became too “dancey” (their words). I wish it was the first time I heard this sentiment but unfortunately it was not. It was not the first time I heard someone view an individual or a group as a “sell out”. Rather, the words “sell out” and “poseur” are so entrenched in Youtube’s music video comment thread that one expects to be involved in a long discourse on it if they are bold enough to comment on a video they like. Few things are also more entertaining than witnessing people on a Facebook thread discuss who “sucks” and who “sold out”. With our frivolous categorization of who is a poseur and who is a sell-out by the length of hair and amount of riffs on an album, I gotta ask, whats next? Are were going out to count who has more glued on studs on a jacket to determine who is more badass? On that note, it always boggles my mind how fans and non-fans of a band think they are the overriding authority on who has 1. sold out 2. who is a “poseur fan” and 3. who has changed their music to appeal to a bigger demographic. Lets get one think clear- human beings are multidimensional and forever changing (and so are their musical preferences). Same goes with the musicians who make the music. If members of Sepultura woke up tomorrow and wanted to make a melodic country album, guess what? They can! Its called being a multifaceted human being and refusing to be pigeonholed into any sort of musical category.

Another fan friendly topic is who became “too mainstream”. Nowadays its as though fans get upset when “their” band gets moved to a larger venue. No, no, more people want to see them, it’s a good thing. And don’t even get me started if a self proclaimed die hard fan shows up to a show and does not approve of the demographic in attendance (usually by one's lack of black). So what if average Joe went to see Watain in his khakis and flannel shirt? Is the band no longer as heavy? Or better yet, is average Joe a poseur? Of course not! But being an ignorant purist fan has its drawbacks. Once you establish that you do not own a band or dictate the musical journey that will lead them, life will be so much better and maybe you will even get to discover new bands and sounds that you didn’t even know you liked because as much as you do not care to admit it, you too are multidimensional and non stagnant . Above all though, once fans curb the musical snobbiness that plagues the plethora of Toronto concert venues, we can actually have a music scene that is saturated in inclusion and belongingness rather than exclusion and the lowering of volume of a Euro dance song that you just happened to be in love with while wearing your studded black jacket and long beard. You can be into metal and like Euro dance, its ok metal soldier, they’ll understand. Even after you cut your hair.

Two people will look at one picture and see two different images and the same can be said with this self-made meme. As all things in this blog, you are allowed, no, you are encouraged to read it and take from it what you want. Reconstruct my words, turn it all around, make them yours. Feel free to interpret this meme as you see fit but if you must know this image is my response to the plethora of very positive statuses and images that self proclaimed "new agers" or everyday folks post almost daily on social media. The question remains though: do these well-wishers live by an entirely different set of rules in their own “real” lives? Do they practice what they virtually preach? I need only to log into my Facebook and see a splash of encouraging statuses and shared images of the Dalai Lama to see that yes indeed people wish me, you and everyone around them love, peace and tranquility but how accurate and realistic is all this bombardment of positive thinking? Above all though, how much of what these so called neo-hippies preach is actually practiced? Even more interesting, what is the "blocking" activity of these do-gooders? You would think none, right? I personally have noticed that there is an increasing tendency to view any form of non-agreement as "negative" energy that needs to be dispelled and rid of immediately. Better yet, some are even labeled as "toxic" beings that need to be virtually erased. I wont disagree that some people are not meant to be friends but I will however argue that the term "toxic" is overused and at times can be seen as justification in the fight to silence those who do not agree with us.
 
Lets dissect the word blocking for a minute and look at it in its defined form. 

To block: 

1. The action or process of obstructing movement, progress, or activity, in particular.
2. Obstructing or impeding the actions of an opponent

If that does not yell out "I am passive aggressive" I am not sure what does. 

I for one do not have a single person on my block list in any of the social media accounts that I own. Is it because no one has ever said anything I have taken offense to? Is it because no one has ever upset me or made me angry? Not at all. Quite the opposite actually. So why have I never used that oh so tempting block button? Is it my above average patience? Is it the fact that I can deal with conflict and confrontation? Or is it because I have somewhat of an abnormal level of tolerance for people? Its a mixture of all three but at the core its because I believe that we all suffer from what I like to call "relapse in character" or maybe we are just having a really bad day, week, month. Or maybe we are just misunderstood. Blocking is saying, "I am taking away your right to ever contact me, Goodbye!" If they ever wanted to come back and apologize, should you not give them that right? Would you not want that right if the roles were reversed?  

At the end of the day this post is not intended to make a mockery of the actions of a certain group in society but rather is a call to action to think before you block. If you are truly about love and inclusion and above all, acceptance of others than there is so such thing as toxic people but rather only those who need that extra bit of time and understanding.

Good times on repeat, every Friday.
Hugs, air kisses, and debauchery is on the agenda.
Come Tuesday, no one can be found.  

Lines and bottles you will surely finish together but tears you will experience alone. 
Past trauma and delicate hearts are not of importance here.
This venue is too loud and flashy for a heart to heart, anyways.
Remember, smiles and body sparkles, only.

Reach out to one of them on a non-weekend and conversation will be flat. What commonalities exist anyways?

Who do I spend time with? 
Who are these people I am buying drinks for? 
How many of them will remember my birthday next year?

The Allure and Facade of the Party Friends.

 

Expectations and Other Beliefs They Tell Me I Should Lose.

For the last two years, advice from those who mean well has usually started off with, “You gotta let go of your expectations.” It is then followed by a short speech on how doing so will lead to a happier me in the long run. On the contrary, it is when I let go of expectations that complacency creeps in and I feel the void of no longer thirsting for something bigger, better and seemingly maybe even a bit unattainable. I want to start off by saying that somehow, somewhere those who have expectations from themselves, their lives and those around them have been pegged as demanding. Not to say that all who have expectations are not, but I on the other hand have always equated expectations with standards; also known as having an above minimum level of quality that one expects from situations. Now, doesn’t that sound healthy? To think that one is worthy and deserving of a certain level of quality. To think that one does in fact deserve to be treated and have a life that is filled with a certain (high) level of standard simply because they are.
Another reason used in the fight against expectations is the belief that those around you will feel discouraged by the belief that they are not up to par with the assumed expectations that are given to them. I entirely understand how that can be as it is never a good feeling to know that somehow you do not measure up to how others think you should or can be. That feeling of containment felt by what others expect of you can be unpleasant but in my life it has been the opposite. I have found expectations to actually be encouraging rather than discouraging. How do you figure, you ask? I can tell you that pursuing post-secondary education and doing well in it was not an option but an expectation my family had of me. While friends branded my family as “critical”, I did not see it that way. I saw the expectation of me going to university and doing well as a compliment. If my family thought I was not able of doing well, they would not expect that from me. It was me wanting to live up to those expectations that made me do well. It was the pressure of hearing, “I know you can do so well” that made me go that extra mile. It is the high expectation of me by my family that made me expect the same from myself and transcends to this day in other areas of my life. 

Another example of expectations as a driving force for assumed above average intellect and ability can be seen in the workplace. Look at where you work, are the “star employees” being expected nothing of? No, they are not. Rather they are expected to be on time, produce high quality assignments, lead group projects and all because there is a certain high level of productivity that has now been associated to them due to their past work. The most laziest and unproductive worker on the other hand can come in 30 minutes late and not much will be done. Why? A lower standard has been attached to their name and reputation. Why expect blood from a stone, as they say.

The last and most popular reason for letting go of expectations is the belief that lack of them will produce a much more freer and easier life and I will not pretend to disagree with that but is easier better? Is an easier life that houses no expectations and minimum standards more rich and fulfilling? If one never expects things from themselves then one can surely never be wrong because if you didn’t expect anything from yourself, whatever you get is seen as a bonus of sorts.

Aside from all this I also find that looking at expectations as either a purely positive or negative concept is problematic. The late Michael Foucault encouraged us to not look at things from a purely singular perspective and this is most abundant in the following excerpt in his take on power and control in society: 

“We must cease once and for all to describe the effects of power in negative terms: it excludes, it represses, it censors, it abstracts, it masks, it conceals. In fact, power produces; it produces reality; it produces domains of objects and rituals of truth...”

Yes, expectations create a mental built-in self checklist of sorts but they also set a certain level of self discipline and above all, creates an atmosphere of accountability. Expectations of oneself also produces a timeline of productivity results that has potential to take an average life to great heights. Switching gears for a moment, I am thinking of a popular underground Toronto band that has been planning to release their debut album for years. What do I think is the reason for their lack of musical tangibility? My thoughts are, an easygoing, no expectations filled attitude and an abundance of conversations that include phrases such as “Well get it done eventually”. I can only imagine where this motley crew of talented mid 20 year olds could be in 6 months, in a year, if they adapted a high level of expectations in regards to making this album a reality. Expectations (within reason of course) can work as a motivator and above all as the antithesis to complacency. Next time someone accuses you of having them, be happy that you do.

TWENTY-NINE

My first Saturn Return

Though I could have sworn the plane ticket said, “Welcome to Your Mind Fuck.”

Directions for flight takeoff read: “Ladies and gentlemen, please make sure you are strapped in, this is going to hurt.”
Stewardess passes out a survey, “Be sure to answer either ‘yes’ or ‘no.”

Questions are as follows:
Is your life up to par?
Are you up to par?
Have you done enough you are proud of?
Is your life a testament to all that you can do?
I jot down a quick “no” beside each. 

The in-flight movie is my life the last ten years.

Youthful idealism and the inconsistent pursuit of dreams is the theme of this romcom/drama/b-rated horror flick.

Turbulence.
“Is it always this shaky?” I ask.
“Just the beginning. Smooth sailing towards the end” I hear from someone in the back.
Something to look forward to.
My first Saturn Return

Social Media and the Loss of the Right Here and Now

Lets admit it, we are a pretty self-indulgent society and when we look at our priority list, feeling alive and the pursuit of happiness tops the list. As it should, right? The overwhelming need to feel alive is also complimented with one's consent to be a participant of an online show and tell because to feel alive is simply not enough. Spending as much as we have and doing as much as humanly possibly to prove to ourselves and everyone around us that you are in fact alive and having fun, however, is. I need only to scroll down my Facebook news feed to see a sea of shiny and seemingly happy faces on vacations, at concerts, restaurants and other neo-bourgeoisie dominated arenas to get the sense that one’s validation of a good time can only truly be justified if the physical evidence comes in the form of pictures plastered on the screen. Went to a party and had the best time of your life but don’t have pictures to share? Did it even happen? Went around the corner and had a mediocre time but tagged a picture of you and the neighborhood bassist doing shots? Welcome to the club, my friend! With that said, it is my belief that social media has contributed, contrary to popular belief, to the loss of the here and now, versus the development of it. Rather, it has made us all live in what I would like to call the “after moment of the now”. Our thirst is not for the here and now but the gratification that comes after the moment has passed and has been shared.  

It is the future Facebook “likes” and comments that make us capture moments on video and camera. It is the future validation of our peers that make us sit down before a meal and without even hesitating whip out our phones to document this glorious feast (picture first, sip of red wine after). It is the future slight mind trance of positive feedback and digital ego strokes that make us stand at a concert and look at the recording screen that has become the extension of our human hand versus the performing body that is in the here and now in front of us.

Make no mistake though, this post is not me saying I am outside of the above group because I am not. Like you, I too take a picture and anticipate (usually right after I hear “OK, on 3!”) if it will be FB profile worthy.  I am no better. I do however want to reclaim my moments of the hear and now. I want to go out with a group of friends and not take any pictures; mental photographs only. I want to go to Czechovski and not take “food porn” stills. I want to have an amazing day and not feel the need to have a matching post to go with. One day...

           

Top 5 Reasons to Have a Blog and 5 Top Reasons Why It Will Be the Worst Decision You Ever Made

Why You Should:

1.  Digital Documented Diary

With the plethora of things to do and people to see we have stopped documenting our thoughts, our feelings and even the mundane part of what we did the day before. The result can be a blurred vision of one’s past week. Documenting what you saw, heard and what interested you is a way to not only improve your memory but digitally capture moments of your life.

2. Legacy

Face it, one day you will not be here but the work you leave behind potentially will and with that you may create a legacy. Leaving behind a legacy and the dream of being remembered years after you are gone is a large part of why musicians pick up an instrument, an artist a paint brush and myself a pen (or in this case a keyboard).

3. Visual Your Growth

If you are someone like me you find importance in determining how far you have come in your life or sometimes, how much you have regressed in some areas. Keeping an online database of what you once thought is another way you can document either your progression or regression or the combination of both.

4. “Sharing is Caring”

Chances are, if you have been through it there are dozens of other people who are going through it at the moment and thus your insight as being someone on the other side of the issue can bring clarity and a unique perspective to those still struggling/dealing/trying to figure out the issue. Sharing unsolicited advice, tips (feel free to label it as rambles) that I hold dear to my own life and that which is the foundation of my own truth is the groundwork for the writing you will experience in this blog.

5. Less Paper, More Blog Posts

When you write as much as I do the result is a vast collection of journals and papers upon papers that contain my thoughts. This is what happens when you have an overwhelming need to write daily. With this blog now housing my thoughts, I am saving paper and helping the environment. How very new-age of me.

Why You Shouldn’t:

1. “I Don’t Wanna Remember My Old Life, Don’t Make Me”

A blog can work as a collection of past online diary entries and chances are there will be some you will read years from now and think to yourself, “Was that really me?”, “Did I really have that much time on my hands.” Do you also want to be reminded how self-indulgent and “you centered” your life was before marriage and children?

2. Change is Inevitable

As people we change, actually we should change. If you know someone and they have not changed their car or hair color for the last 3 years, be afraid, be very afraid. With that said, there is good reason to believe that everything you write one day will make my eyes roll (at my own former self).

3. Judgment Overkill

Lets start off by agreeing on one thing: human beings judge and those who say they don’t are liars and you should stay away from. It’s a survival mechanism we inherited from our ancestors and is pretty much the way our brain categorizes who to mingle with and who to stay clear of. The ones you should get close to are the ones who do indeed judge but stop themselves and ask “Why am I judging?”, “Why am I annoyed or angered by them and what is the true source of my annoyance?” Not being agreed with is not on my list of worries or concerns with this blog but to be misunderstood, to have my words altered and reread with the lose of their true intent, that is something that comes with the territory of posting things online. You know those Sade lyrics, “No place for beginners or sensitive hearts”? Well, I have a feeling I am going to learn that blogging is indeed no place for beginners or sensitive hearts such as mine. On that note, my only wish for myself is to become stronger and wiser than the day I started this blog. In others words, progress, not regress.

4. This Will Either be Time Well Spent or Time Well Wasted

Writing/blogging, rewriting/reblogging, editing and scrapping a piece altogether you just worked on for the last hour is time lost, never to be reclaimed again. With every blog post, I am reminded that it is one less conversation with my mom, one less Skype session with my family in Russia and another moment, afternoon or day that is gone.

5. The Privacy Issue

With a blog (and the same can be said about other social media platforms) a large part of the privacy you once had has now been relinquished to the online community and the people who are going to read, dissect and interpret your work. You are not the only one affected by this though. As a writer the pieces you write are not only inspired by your own personal experiences but also by those who are close to you- your friends. As a blog grows and so does the amount of information on it, it will become normal for people to have a conversation with you and then proceed to ask, “This isn’t going to go in the blog, right?” No real names will be used, I promise.